Helping My Boyfriend

[mirrors]

My boyfriend suffers from anxiety disorder, much of it stemming from trauma and abuse that has occurred throughout his time at school, and after graduation (he's 22 now).

Throughout the years he never really dealt with any of the things that he went though - using cigarettes, alcohol and painkillers and weed as a crutch to avoid his problems.

I'm a very unjudging and supportive person (with my own issues with anxiety) and so I encouraged him to start opening up to me about the things he went through, so he could discuss them in a safe place.

Over the past month he's quit smoking (he used to go a pack a day) and greatly cut down on drinking and basically doing anything that would let him escape his problems.

Over the past two weeks (we talk almost every day about things that have happened, how he's feeling, etc) - he's started experining a growing sense of anxiety as has seemed to be 'triggered' almost daily, causing him to basically relive the events that we talked about. He could be washing the dishes and suddenly something hits him and he starts feeling everything he felt on a particular night of trauma. He broke down and started crying one night while talking to me (something very unusal for him to do) which has been happening very frequently.

With this, the stress is effecting him physically and he's getting terrible stomachaches and headaches and is constantly feeling sick. Last night he had a severe panic attack, and was obviously very shaken about it.

I'm being very supportive, like I said, and am always there to encourage him to breath deeply, relax - I've been listening to him and making him tea and going on long walks.

My question is this - it is normal for him to get worse before he gets better? I really care about him and I'm worried that helping him overcome some of the baggage he carries around might be harder on him then just carrying it...


Thank you so much for reading this. Please offer any advice.

[dimspace]

Firstly, he is very lucky to have you. Someone supporting him and even taking the time to come here and ask questions. He is a very lucky man.

Ive had anxiety for about 16 months now and i can only go on my experience, but the talking about the past etc for me too made me worse. I tried councilling and we have a good idea what the root of some of my problems are, but trying to talk about them and get them out the open for me was just too mcuh, my panic attacks got worse, my anxiety got worse, and i had to stop talking about them. its something i need to do, but i plan to do it when i am much much better.

WHile burying things completely is not the right thing to do, it may just be, that at the moment talking about things is not the answer for him. talking works for some people, for people like myself who are used to just dealing with things, covering things up, talking does not always work straight away. (i actually had exactly the same problem when i did the dishes for years and never knew what it was)

For now, i would just concentrate on some lifestyle changes, its very good hes given up smoking, giving up caffiene will also help a lot. Many people myself included find vitamin B a great help (high does about 50mg vit b), spending time together just relaxing (ive got a very good relaxation exercise on mp3 here> http://www.dimspace.net/Anxiety/Unknown ... 20MALE.mp3 (http://www.dimspace.net/Anxiety/Unknown%20Artist%20-%20Relaxation%20CD%20-%2005.%20Full%20Relaxation%20MALE.mp3) < that i was given on a session which is a great once a day 25 minutes just relaxing and following the exercises and really does help).

If you do talk about things leave him to start the conversations.. I know i have been an impossible patient, i want people to ask how i am, but it drives me mad when people say "how are you". I want to talk about things, but sometimes i just want people to shut up, so i sit there getting more and more stressed thinking "shut up" under my breath. Maybe just let him know that anytime he does want to talk he just has to say, but also let him know that at any point he wants to stop talking he just has to say, it can be really hard when as an anxious person you want the conversation to stop and cant stop it.

ive rambled terribly.. and probably makes not a lot of sense.. ive been there, but its hard to explain because, well, half the time when i was in that position i didnt know what i wanted or what was going on.

For now, maybe not talk so much and just work on being more relaxed and calm, and also filling the gaps in his life where alcohol and drugs , even tobacco used to be. his body is still getting used to not being dependant on those and it really needs to find things to replace those before it can move on. If canabbis kept him calm he needs to find new ways to calm, or if it blocked things out he needs to find new ways to occupy his mind.. if making a cigarrete or smoking one gave him something to do he needs to find something to replace that.. then i would try really talking

but again, hes very lucky to have someone who cares so much.

[Lyndsey]

I do agree with the person above talking about things isn't always the answer. I always live by a rule now since my past drove me to the point of being insane.

The past is in the Past live for the present because everything good or bad that has happened to you. Helps shape the the person you are.

its easy to say hard to do, you are only on this world once and you need to make the most of it.
Go for a weekend away or do fun things like go out to dinner, chill out on the beach. Enjoy being a young couple for a while, It really just help just having a laugh and smiling together even if you dont want to getting out and doing something instead of talking will make you feel so much better for you and for him!