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View Full Version : Help! over assertive vs doormat



korgoosh
05-20-2010, 02:22 PM
I'm trying to figure out the difference between assertiveness and being too assertive/aggressive.

I am anxious and tend to worry about what people think of me and want to be liked/seen as a nice person... bit of a people pleaser. I am trying to get better at standing up for myself (I used to hardly stand up for myself at all) but sometimes I worry that I go overboard now and then I end up feeling really bad after.

For example I had a situation with tenants who live downstairs in our house. They are pretty nice people and have dogs that are fairly well-behaved. Because they are nice and I have to live in close proximity to them, I didn't want to offend them, but we were having issues with dog waste being left on the lawn. My husband and I each told them in person we'd appreciate them cleaning it up.

A while later there was still a lot of mess on the lawn (they have gigantic dogs who they rarely walk, just let out on the lawn by themselves) so I called them and left a message on their voice mail and told them I'd appreciate it if they picked up immediately because even with periodic clean ups, with 2 giant sized dogs, its a lot of waste, some visitors had stepped in it and mowing the lawn was difficult. I was trying to be nice about it... saying I know its a pain but this is what I always had to do when I had dogs and so on.

They wrote back by email and said they didn't have time to pick up right away because they work nights.

A few days later I emailed them since there was still lots of mess and said we couldn't tolerate it, they had to pick it up and that most people around here walk their dogs and pick up after them rather than leaving it on the lawn (which is true in my urban neighbourhood). They wrote back indicating their offence taken by my apparent insult to their "capacity as dog owners," though they would try to pick up asap. Since our previous 3 attempts to get them to comply didn't work, I was intentionally coming on stronger... I wasn't trying to criticize them for their dog caretaking abilities or because they didn't walk their dogs, but I was trying to justify my position by saying how most people in the neighourhood dealt with the waste issue. I felt terrible about what they perceived as insult to them.

So, this is typical of how I deal with confrontation - I feel I have to justify my position (I'm probably doing that even right now!), I am perhaps too nice at first, then I come on stronger and then I feel terrible about it after. How do I tell the difference between being a doormat, being reasonable and assertive, or being aggressive / offensive so I don't feel bad after for either getting taken advantage of or being too aggressive?

timm
05-20-2010, 05:32 PM
Interesting. My first thought when I was reading through the history was, most people pick up the poop on-the-spot, and then you mentioned it later. I have a big dog, and it's gross, and I hate doing it, but there is tremendous public pressure to to scoop it immediately.

I don't see what you said as an over-justification. I think it was reasonable to speak with them about it, and then escalate reasonably by commmunicating your position, in writing, as, it was clear, thet they were being non-compliant. It's all reasonable.

Doing nothing and/or picking it up yourself would be door-mattish, and blasting them without some fair warnings would overshoot the mark. You did neither.

I would feel mortified if I was the tenant for not doing what I should have been doing to begin with!!, and I would be out there faster than you could shake a stick, cleaning it up, out of personal shame, if my landlord had to ask me! It's funny how people are wired differently.

I think the balance point (between weakness and strength) comes, in general, when you don't feel bad about it after you've had some time for the emotions to ease off a bit. If you're feeling bad about the bad dog owner stuff, I don't think it's door-mattish to soften that up a bit later with a positive comment to smooth things over, but only if the behaviour has changed and they're cleaning up.

korgoosh
05-21-2010, 02:58 PM
Thx for the reply! Good idea re mentioning something (after they deal with the situation) about them being good with the dogs... which is true other than the poop problem!

drertudge
06-16-2010, 02:10 PM
Hi All,
I am pushing ever forwards with my technical ignorance, and I need some help.
I am trying to send an html announcement, and when I preview, it comes up ok, but when I send a test to myself, it simply shows the html as text.
Am I doing something really simple???
Thanks,
Gordon