anxiety-king
05-13-2010, 10:04 AM
I have spent numerous months reading through forums and understand many symptoms that I can relate to that some of you have, however at times even though Im suffering from an anxiety disorder I often easily convince myself its something else.
BIT OF A LIFE STORY COMING UP SO I APOLOGISE BUT SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE GONE THROUGH SIMILAR EXPERIENCES.
To start Ive always been a worrier in life, but like most people in life you find something to do in life and your thoughts disappear. Ive probably worried about most things (social status, health, work, relationships, life goals) as ive got older. I can also be prone to jealousy and almost a sense of laughing at other people in my head if I find they are not as fortunate as I am with a certain subject.
However the last 6 months I have definately got worse. I tried quitting smoking a year ago and became very moody and felt as if part of my happy side died in me. Often I took my frustrations out on my girlfriend who is at times a bit needy but in my mind the sweetest person ive ever met. As the end of last year drew towards the end I noticed I become a lot more withdrawn from people around me and found I often nattered to myself in my mind, I would often notice it and become frustrated. At this time I was really hating my job, I was overweight, was drinking frequently and binging heavily, was occasionally dabbling with drugs which I hadn done really for a couple years. I would often go out with my friends who the majority of were single and watch them chase girls around the club whilst I stood alone getting more smashed telling myself im not happy. At this point I could feel myself pushing my girlfriend away and was considering quitting my job and going travelling which was one thing that definately got me excited. I was quite stressed and suffering from heart palpatrations which were getting me more stressed and more anxious. At this point all my thoughts were on whether I would lose my job before I chose to leave, my heart and whether I would enjoy travelling as much as I thought I would.
The first time I had a panic attack was at work, I was worrying about my heart and sitting on the internet when a fairly important person at the company walked past and I freaked out as I thought he may have seen that I wasn't working! Within a couple of seconds I had a full blown panic attack and had the usual symptoms that come with it. Though I was worrying about the thought of having a panic attack after the thoughts about it were quite mild. However over the next couple days I had a few more panic attacks and it seemed my thoughts about it became more intense and more frequent. A day or so later I was out for a birthday and I was constantly worrying about my heart, however the more I was drinking the more the thoughts went but the following morning I was in a bad way as the hangover made me feel a million times worse, the thoughts of "im ill, im gonna die, whats wrong with me" were constantly in my head and I had 3 panic attacks that day. For a few weeks after I spent my life worrying about having a panic attack and why I had one, and worrying why I keep thinking about it!
Since then Ive had these constant thoughts in my head, and new worries have now entered my mind. The previous worry about my heart that dominated my mind so much for months has gone, I lost interest over my travelling plans which may have set off some sort of depression panic? Now it seems my new fears (which I think about 24/7) are that im going crazy. A few weeks after these panic attacks I was watching a program about Zimbabwean refugees and they were talking about AIDS, and it almost seems like in my mind I told myself "Oh I don't wanna start worrying about this" then spent a couple minutes arguing with myself that I will not think about this, and since then its occupied my mind.
Since the panic attacks like a lot of people ive lost my appetite and at times feel lethargic, so with the weight loss I have had in recent months I convince myself that this is what im suffering. I focus on symptoms like my skin and convince myself again such as small dots and marks on my forearms and the fact I have many moles all over me even though that has always been the case since I was a child.
As with a similar instance to the above one I was watching a program when a young child was on screen, again it was almost as if I told myself "imagine if you thought about pedophilia how bad would that be" and it almost set me off on a mad moment of my brain going crazy. Just to be clear I do not think disturbing images, but just the word alone enters my mind and makes me feel like Im going crazy.
I also constantly think about the term anxiety, and again spend time thinking about worrying about anxiety, and worrying why i keep thinking the same things over and over again. I will tell myself or remind myself how I have become repetitive and often start wondering what it is im thinking about. I also have developed a small tourette/tic/spasm, where I think about the top of my back having a spasm and its almost as if Im forcing the issue. The occasional thought of a brain tumour and testicular cancer enters my mind.
To a degree I understand all of these issues are in my head, however convincing myself of this is another issue. I miss the old times of watching a TV program where my mind is blank and im only focusing on the TV content, not timing myself in my head of how long ive gone without thinking about intrusive thoughts, whether it be about going insane, health, horrible words, anxiety over anxiety, anxiety over my lack of eating, anxiety over whether ill get over this. Seems strange thinking about this, but I miss the part of me when I was fat and unhappy with my job as those were "normal" things to worry about and were not frequent.
Im wondering how to overcome this mind chatter that constantly dominates my mind, I want my old self back.
Just a quick question - anytime someone worries over something new, do they wish for the previous worry back as it "seemed" less intent?
Sorry for long post, tried to give you guys everything that was on my mind and what may have contributed to it.
Thanks,
BIT OF A LIFE STORY COMING UP SO I APOLOGISE BUT SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE GONE THROUGH SIMILAR EXPERIENCES.
To start Ive always been a worrier in life, but like most people in life you find something to do in life and your thoughts disappear. Ive probably worried about most things (social status, health, work, relationships, life goals) as ive got older. I can also be prone to jealousy and almost a sense of laughing at other people in my head if I find they are not as fortunate as I am with a certain subject.
However the last 6 months I have definately got worse. I tried quitting smoking a year ago and became very moody and felt as if part of my happy side died in me. Often I took my frustrations out on my girlfriend who is at times a bit needy but in my mind the sweetest person ive ever met. As the end of last year drew towards the end I noticed I become a lot more withdrawn from people around me and found I often nattered to myself in my mind, I would often notice it and become frustrated. At this time I was really hating my job, I was overweight, was drinking frequently and binging heavily, was occasionally dabbling with drugs which I hadn done really for a couple years. I would often go out with my friends who the majority of were single and watch them chase girls around the club whilst I stood alone getting more smashed telling myself im not happy. At this point I could feel myself pushing my girlfriend away and was considering quitting my job and going travelling which was one thing that definately got me excited. I was quite stressed and suffering from heart palpatrations which were getting me more stressed and more anxious. At this point all my thoughts were on whether I would lose my job before I chose to leave, my heart and whether I would enjoy travelling as much as I thought I would.
The first time I had a panic attack was at work, I was worrying about my heart and sitting on the internet when a fairly important person at the company walked past and I freaked out as I thought he may have seen that I wasn't working! Within a couple of seconds I had a full blown panic attack and had the usual symptoms that come with it. Though I was worrying about the thought of having a panic attack after the thoughts about it were quite mild. However over the next couple days I had a few more panic attacks and it seemed my thoughts about it became more intense and more frequent. A day or so later I was out for a birthday and I was constantly worrying about my heart, however the more I was drinking the more the thoughts went but the following morning I was in a bad way as the hangover made me feel a million times worse, the thoughts of "im ill, im gonna die, whats wrong with me" were constantly in my head and I had 3 panic attacks that day. For a few weeks after I spent my life worrying about having a panic attack and why I had one, and worrying why I keep thinking about it!
Since then Ive had these constant thoughts in my head, and new worries have now entered my mind. The previous worry about my heart that dominated my mind so much for months has gone, I lost interest over my travelling plans which may have set off some sort of depression panic? Now it seems my new fears (which I think about 24/7) are that im going crazy. A few weeks after these panic attacks I was watching a program about Zimbabwean refugees and they were talking about AIDS, and it almost seems like in my mind I told myself "Oh I don't wanna start worrying about this" then spent a couple minutes arguing with myself that I will not think about this, and since then its occupied my mind.
Since the panic attacks like a lot of people ive lost my appetite and at times feel lethargic, so with the weight loss I have had in recent months I convince myself that this is what im suffering. I focus on symptoms like my skin and convince myself again such as small dots and marks on my forearms and the fact I have many moles all over me even though that has always been the case since I was a child.
As with a similar instance to the above one I was watching a program when a young child was on screen, again it was almost as if I told myself "imagine if you thought about pedophilia how bad would that be" and it almost set me off on a mad moment of my brain going crazy. Just to be clear I do not think disturbing images, but just the word alone enters my mind and makes me feel like Im going crazy.
I also constantly think about the term anxiety, and again spend time thinking about worrying about anxiety, and worrying why i keep thinking the same things over and over again. I will tell myself or remind myself how I have become repetitive and often start wondering what it is im thinking about. I also have developed a small tourette/tic/spasm, where I think about the top of my back having a spasm and its almost as if Im forcing the issue. The occasional thought of a brain tumour and testicular cancer enters my mind.
To a degree I understand all of these issues are in my head, however convincing myself of this is another issue. I miss the old times of watching a TV program where my mind is blank and im only focusing on the TV content, not timing myself in my head of how long ive gone without thinking about intrusive thoughts, whether it be about going insane, health, horrible words, anxiety over anxiety, anxiety over my lack of eating, anxiety over whether ill get over this. Seems strange thinking about this, but I miss the part of me when I was fat and unhappy with my job as those were "normal" things to worry about and were not frequent.
Im wondering how to overcome this mind chatter that constantly dominates my mind, I want my old self back.
Just a quick question - anytime someone worries over something new, do they wish for the previous worry back as it "seemed" less intent?
Sorry for long post, tried to give you guys everything that was on my mind and what may have contributed to it.
Thanks,