Never Been This Bad - I need HELP!!

[Razz]

My story in brief. I have had an anxiety disorder since the age of 19, many years ago before they knew what it was. I was hospitalized and given shock therapy and I was worse on getting out.

I was house bound for two years but started doing my own desensitization work and eventually recovered and earned a PhD with 9 years of college.

I always struggled with a sensitive nervous system and life was difficult...but also had wonderful times. Had I known more about living with a sensitive nervous system it would have been better.

Fast forward: in 1989 I had loads of stress come at me...LOADS. My anxiety went out of control so I gave up never wanting to take drugs and started Xanax. It made me sick almost immediately but I kept trying finally got off after two years.

I went into three years of a horrid withdrawal, could not work and spent most of my days pacing and crying...but recovered. I have tried every class of anxiety drugs and my body can not take them so I am stuck doing this naturally.

After many years of being pretty OK in 2007 huge stresses hit again and I had a major health scare ( does not take much as health fears are a main trigger). Not only did I go into a major anxiety breakdown but ALL the benzo withdrawal symptoms came back...after so many years.

It has been 40 months and I am not any better, in total torture, can not work and am going crazy. Were it not for a wonderful wife I doubt I would be alive.

I have spent years reading books on anxiety, 7 years with 4 different therapists. Before this breakdown we took excellent care of ourselves, do not smoke or drink, worked out or exercised every day, meditated daily an eat organically.

I am terrified and seem to be getting worse, all I do is walk, pace or lay in bed digging my fingernails into the covers. I don't see anyone else this sick and especially this long.

I have worked so hard on my condition and now I am sicker than ever...I need help and there is no medication and I have no one that understands or anyone to talk to like me.

James

[njmom]

My story in brief. I have had an anxiety disorder since the age of 19, many years ago before they knew what it was. I was hospitalized and given shock therapy and I was worse on getting out.

I was house bound for two years but started doing my own desensitization work and eventually recovered and earned a PhD with 9 years of college.

I always struggled with a sensitive nervous system and life was difficult...but also had wonderful times. Had I known more about living with a sensitive nervous system it would have been better.

Fast forward: in 1989 I had loads of stress come at me...LOADS. My anxiety went out of control so I gave up never wanting to take drugs and started Xanax. It made me sick almost immediately but I kept trying finally got off after two years.

I went into three years of a horrid withdrawal, could not work and spent most of my days pacing and crying...but recovered. I have tried every class of anxiety drugs and my body can not take them so I am stuck doing this naturally.

After many years of being pretty OK in 2007 huge stresses hit again and I had a major health scare ( does not take much as health fears are a main trigger). Not only did I go into a major anxiety breakdown but ALL the benzo withdrawal symptoms came back...after so many years.

It has been 40 months and I am not any better, in total torture, can not work and am going crazy. Were it not for a wonderful wife I doubt I would be alive.

I have spent years reading books on anxiety, 7 years with 4 different therapists. Before this breakdown we took excellent care of ourselves, do not smoke or drink, worked out or exercised every day, meditated daily an eat organically.

I am terrified and seem to be getting worse, all I do is walk, pace or lay in bed digging my fingernails into the covers. I don't see anyone else this sick and especially this long.

I have worked so hard on my condition and now I am sicker than ever...I need help and there is no medication and I have no one that understands or anyone to talk to like me.

James

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time. Have you ever been on anything other than the benzo's? They are only a short term, few hour help. I only had incapacitating anxiety for a few months and couldn't deal anymore and went on meds (lexapro). I had so many crazy physical symptoms and sensations that it has gotten rid of. Things that I was sure couldn't possibly be related to anxiety (toe numbness, tightness on my skin, all kinds of pain all over, wierd sensations in my head, you name it). It has done wonders for me. I have xanax too but have never taken it. You seem to be an intellectual person, so I know that you know what you are going through is just a physiological response. Distractions are key in getting through things for me... but being able to get past these feelings to do them is the hardest part. The biggest thing that has been helping me has been working out in the yard. It is something I thoroughly enjoy but actually getting up and doing it can be excruciating some days. Is there anything you used to really enjoy that you can make yourself go do?? Have you stopped the exercising?? I know you realize that is a huge help for many anxiety sufferers and if you've stopped doing it, it could really start helping you again. My meds have given me that little edge I needed to get back into things and start thinking clearly again.

[Kryztina]

James, first I am sorry you are feeling so bad. You are not alone. I was once a lot like you and through hard work, therapy and meds I have my life back to a managable place.

I would agree with Razz in that if you really push yourself to engage in some positive activity each day (even though it won't seem like it at the time) it will help you tremendously. Baby steps, that's all. Even a short walk would be a start in the right direction. What ever you can tolerate and then you can build on that.

It sounds like you have a very supportive spouse and that is so wonderful. Fight to get your life back, you deserve it and so does oyur wife. I wish you all the best in your journey. There IS hope, don't ever think differently. You can change this.