Uber intense fear of death

[FearOfDeath]

Well, I was always a bit anxious ever since I was a kid, my most common symptom back then was nausea, and I often skipped school because of it. Later on, I developed a new symptom, shortness of breathe (which is still active), and I started skipping school because of it. Later on, I found myself in a new school, which was way better than my previous one, and I made real friends in there. Barely noticed my my anxiety for 1.5 years (which was the time I was in that school). After that, I was free of school for about 6 months, and in that time I barely got out of the house, so I kinda got my anxiety back, but it didn't strike that hard. After those 6 months, I went back to the same school but with a different class, which was really nice at the beggining, but later on I kinda noticed that they weren't what they seemed to be at the beggining, and I kinda started feeling down and didn't feel like going to school, so I started skipping it once again. After a year or so, I decided to quit it and find a job or something else, and since then I've been doing nothing but staying home and going out once in a while. I've developed a new symptom right before I decided to leave school which was depersonalization/derealization, probably due to the excessive stress I had to deal with because of choosing between staying in school or quitting it. It's been haunting me me for 7/8 months now, but these last 2 weeks I've developed something that's even worse in my oppinon, which is the fear of death. I constantly think about it, I fear that theres nothing after you die, that you'll simply fall into an eternal sleep, and even though you know it's going to be painless, it's scary because you also know you won't ever come back. I've been trying to believe that theres actually something after death but I just can't, and this fear is overwhelming. Today I had the biggest panic attack because I kept on thinking about how the world works, and how useless I feel when it comes to death. It's not really the death part that scares me, it's what comes after (or what doesn't)... I just don't see myself doing anything in life if someday i'll just die and everything I've done didn't count for anything, because even though other people will know what I did, I won't, plus it is said that the world will end someday and then it won't count for anything.. I'm just so scared, I really don't know what to do :(

[IHatePanicAttacks]

You know one way you can think of this is that death is not necessarily a bad thing. There have been so many people out there that have had near death experiences, where they were actually "dead" for a little bit and they said it was one of the most exilerating feelings ever. They saw bright white light and said they just felt so calm and wonderful. SO, maybe thinking that it is not a bad thing will help you?

It has helped me deal with the same feeling quite well.

[FearOfDeath]

Well I actually know that you'll probably feel good or that you won't feel anything I mean, until you were born it was just like as if you were dead right? And you didn't feel bad.. you didn't feel anything at all.. but what really scares me is knowing that I'll be gone for eternity, it's so hard to get positive thoughts right now :(

[FearOfDeath]

I think I actually didn't quite explain myself as I'm not really affraid of death itself, I'm more affraid of what comes after. I'm affraid to even think that theres a possibility that the world/universe that I know will stop existing someday and I just can't accept that for some reason.. I feel like everything I always knew is just gone, and it will be completely gone whenever I die because the universe will end up disappearing.. probably doesn't make sense to some, but thats perfectly normal as anxiety induces senseless fears on people, and this might also be due to my intense depersonalization/derealization, which kinda causes me the need to know everything and fear the unknown.

[vivalavida00]

Well something similar happens to me I'm also afraid of death and when I am feeling really bad I question the meaning of life and what we (humans) are searching for, why do we work so hard for money and for our dreams if in the end we are all going to die what is even the point? It is a scary feeling but at moments it goes away and I am able to enjoy the satisfactions of life. Also something that has increased my fear of death is seeing young people die, I feel guilty because even though I'm only 20 people my age or younger than I have died and I am here afraid....I also suffer from depersonalization and it is the worst thing ever!

[mamascrazy1985]

exactly "viva" i was thinking the same thing which i am sure that my kids would keep my stuff but still we work to live and die.... i am 25 and turning 30 scares me and i envy those younger kids

[FearOfDeath]

Yeah... Most people say "Meh I'm getting old" , but they say it in a "funny" way, not like they are worried about death or anything. I'm still 20 but I just feel like it doesn't make sense that you and everyone else do actions that later on won't matter since the universe will end or whatever.. I'm just so affraid of the unknown, to be honest I don't recognise myself anymore.. All I have is vague memories of who I used to be and how I used to "enjoy" stuff in life :(

Edit: I also notice that whenever I think of sleeping forever, like imagine that when I die I won't wake up anymore I get a terrible headache which is probably due to the intense anxiety and fear.

[FearOfDeath]

I'm sorry for double posting again, but I really want to know if theres anyone else out there with the same symptoms, and if they know any coping techniques, because this is really striking me hard. I manage to feel better sometimes, I even get "uber" happy randomly and feel like jumping around, but after a while I get back to this state that lasts for way longer than happiness. When I had depersonalization symptoms only (I still do have them but along with this) I could still manage to go out and "have fun", kinda worked to boost my mood a bit up, but now I don't even know what to do I'm like totally lost, these thoughts are more than terrifying :,(

[vivalavida00]

Wow I feel the same way and I also get those headaches they are really bad and I have them almost everyday. I also feel sometimes like I don't even know what is going on anymore, sometimes I don't even feel like a human being and I don't remember what it felt like to be happy, I can't believe that at some point in my life I did feel happy and normal. At times I wonder if I feel this bad because I am going to die soon or something, because at moments it feels like I'm not even here but in some weird way I know that I am. I don't know how to get rid of all this yet, but I guess you can start by going to the doctor and telling him all this.

[FearOfDeath]

Wow I feel the same way and I also get those headaches they are really bad and I have them almost everyday. I also feel sometimes like I don't even know what is going on anymore, sometimes I don't even feel like a human being and I don't remember what it felt like to be happy, I can't believe that at some point in my life I did feel happy and normal. At times I wonder if I feel this bad because I am going to die soon or something, because at moments it feels like I'm not even here but in some weird way I know that I am. I don't know how to get rid of all this yet, but I guess you can start by going to the doctor and telling him all this.

Yea I feel just like that, plus I get some kind of "flashbacks" of my life before I had this, where I was happy and couldn't care less about everything bad that was happening, and could get fun out of nearly everything.. And sometimes I ask myself, "Is this really happening? Do I really have a mental disorder?" Because honestly, I never thought I would go trough something like this :S

[Charmbracelet81]

I have generalized anxiety disorder and panic. I am in cognitive behavioral therapy. My thoughts are always about death and dying. I mostly put my concern to my heart. I have had all the tests imaginable, but still panic every single time I experience a "skipped" heart beat. I to random "pulse checks" everyday. I envision how it will feel when my heart stops. Will I suffer? Will someone find me fast so my kids arent home alone while Im dead? Then it gets deeper, like, well I didnt get to say goodbye, will my husband be able to handle everything without me? Why the F am I even here anyway?!?!?!!?!?!?! Trust me, I can get myself goin! Most of the physiological symptoms have gone down while in therapy, and "re-teaching" my brain. It's crazy what anxiety and other mental disorders can make you feel and think. Just know you arent alone. Also, there are many people that dont have a disorder that wonder why they are here and whats gonna happen to them when they are gone ect. Its natural for all of us to wonder about the unknown. :console:

[eyeeye]

I got really bummed out with this one too. Having recently lost a few loved ones. It really made me think. I think it;s what set my anxiety off in the first place. It's amazing how many friends I have spoken to that have also had these feelings. It's pretty scary when it hits us that we are mortal. I can't say I've fully accepted it or got my head around it but everyday I just try to see the short time we have here as a gift-and then I kick myself for sitting around feeling shit. I don't know why we're here or where we'll go-I guess we just have to try and enjoy it because it's all we have...I know it's easier said than done when you're feeling how you are now. It does get a little easier day by day-honest.

[wastecasket]

If you have an intense fear of death and/or what comes after death, you are not alone, although I know it feels you are. And I'm sure that you feel even more isolated because so many "normal" people (and even therapists) do not truly understand what you are feeling (or, more correctly stated, what you know).

In fact, I have seen some pretty lame attempts to address this issue... for example, one of the silliest assertions I have ever read on the subject: "Fear of dying is an intense fear of something that poses no actual danger." No actual danger? Hmmm...

When you feel a truly intense, unbearable fear of death what you are feeling is grief. It's the same grief you would feel if you're spouse or child died, or what you would feel if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness. Some people, like you and me, feel grief about death (our own, our loved ones, and everyone for that matter) on an ongoing basis. The reason is simple - because you are unusually aware of the fact that you (and everyone else) does indeed have a terminal illness - a terminal illness called "living". All adults know this, of course, but some of us have a more clear and present awareness of death than others.

So, how can so many people live normal, seemingly happy lives, yet you and I have to deal with such an intense fear and constant realization of our eventual demise? Well, it's fairly simple...

Most people are quite accomplished in what Earnest Becker calls "the vital lie" - the ability to suppress the reality of death so deeply that it rarely, if ever, reaches their conscious mind. Sometimes that vital lie is shattered by the death of someone close or perhaps by a serious diagnosis. Many people can "recover" and get back to that state of blissful disbelief, back to the vital lie that allows them to function as a normal person without constant, intense grief... and some can't.

So, what can you do to help yourself suffer less? The most I can offer is simply what I have discovered for myself (so far). I'll give you a little background and then discuss some of the things that seem to make it better for me.

When I was young (6 or 7 years old) I could lie in bed at night and work myself into a terrible panic by simple trying to comprehend eternity. I can still do it now at 43 years old (not that I want to).

These days when I'm lying in bed and going to sleep I have to proactively keep my head clear of thoughts... if I think about death (even accidentally for a second) I will end up having a full scale panic attack and, as you know, that just intensifies the thoughts of death to an unbearable degree... where you feel like you've passed the point of no return (to sanity). These attacks seem to happen much more often when I am either very stressed or very tired, or both. They happen more at night but do sometimes happen during the day.

Thinking about how my children will feel if they have the same fear/realization of death that I have causes me great stress and can send me into the fear-of-death panic spiral. And when your 4 year old comes into your bedroom at night and says "I don't want to die, daddy"... yikes! That sucks. FYI, I answer with "don't worry sweetie, you'll be in heaven where everything is wonderful and we will all be there too". Luckily 4-year-olds will believe anything you tell them. It seems to me that that is how religion got invented... someone didn't have the heart to tell their kids the truth... and I can't say that I blame them.

I don't believe in god, thank god... because if I did I would have to deal with the concept of being around for all eternity... which for me induces just as much panic as does thinking about death. Ironic I guess, but true. It seems obvious to me that death will be exactly the same for me as things were for me 100 years ago... I didn't exist before and I won't exist then. For me that is actually a comforting thought ("Normal" people wouldn't understand this, but you might).

So anyway, I have found that despite my best efforts, this is something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. Here are some thoughts and things that I have found that help me to manage my "problem" and live a reasonably productive life despite the meaninglessness of it all.

Obviously, death takes all the meaning out of living... People that assert otherwise are just kidding themselves. However, a simple work-around for that problem is to create your own meaning for life. So what if it's pretend? It can still feel good. Create your own vital lie and live it out one day at a time.

Lower your stress level. More easily said than done, I realize. I think that our brains are hard-wired to be oblivious to death when you are not under a lot of stress. I guess you can try to brave it and live close to death if you want... but I don't think you need to. In my own experience, when I have less stress I think less about death... and I don't mind the respite.

Light. Simply turning on the lights in my house and especially in my bedroom can make me feel much better. I can often reduce the intensity of a panic attack simply by turning on the lights.

Distraction. Reading (and sometimes, but not always TV) can help me relax and get back to a more-or-less "normal" state.

Laughing. I like reading and watching comedy and I keep a bunch of funny movies and books around for when I'm feeling stressed.

Goals. Working towards a specific goal does 2 things. A) It creates meaning for me at that moment and B) it keeps me distracted and suppresses idle thoughts - idle thoughts that would ultimately lead to painful thoughts if left unchecked.

I'm not diabetic, but I was curious to know if there was any correlation between how I was feeling and my blood sugar level, so I started testing it regularly. I've found that when I feel bad physically my blood sugar is high and when I feel bad mentally my blood sugar is generally pretty low - sometimes really low. When I'm feeling good my blood sugar is normal to slightly elevated. This is certainly not a scientific study and it's definitely not medical advice... but it seems obvious that moderation (and avoiding extremes of overeating or starving yourself) is probably going to help you feel better.

In some respect, the "old you" has already died many times and and been replaced by the new you. If you think about it, we all change over time... and more importantly, our situation changes. If you lived a million years you would completely evolve into a new person many many times. It's both sad and comforting to me to observe that my childhood (and the person I was at that time) are totally gone... dead, basically.

Stop worrying about what will happen after you die. Common sense can tell you that you won't exist at all. You don't even exist when you are sleeping (for all practical purpose anyway). It's not like your soul goes to bed when you do. You do not have a soul... so don't worry about it.

A couple of final thoughts...

This may not be of any use to you, but I feel like writing it down anyway... Since I'm basically a materialist, I believe that someday humans will have all the powers that we currently ascribe to god - such as the ability to create life, to "back up" their consciousness, to live forever (or at least billions of years)... It seems unlikely that this will happen it time to "save" me, but I really do believe that someday people will only die if they choose to.

If you want to do some real hard core reading on the psychology of death, try to read "The Denial of Death", 1973 by Pulitzer Prize winning author Earnest Becker. But don't read this book looking for answers that will make you happy... it will merely confirm what you already know: Death is real, most people suppress that knowledge quite effectively, but regardless, the reality of death manifests itself in their behavior (wars, mob mentality, heroes and idols). A very difficult but fascinating read.

Take care.