kupdadtawn
04-20-2010, 05:10 PM
Just joined here- have to let out my thoughts somewhere w/ some annoymous feedback and support from somebody/ANYBODY who might feel like I do so I dont feel CRAZY.
A more formal intro into my world will be posted when I can exhale...
I am so so so so so so sick of screaming on the inside. Sick of my MIND constantly on overdrive. I think people who hear the dx "Anxiety" think that looks like lots of energy and cant sit still, etc. For me it's extreme fatigue, sleepless nights even on Halcion, Paxil everyday (after taking a million other meds- still don't know if it's working).
I'm so irritated. Can't focus or keep my attention on work. Distracted but tired so I get nothing done then ruminate over not getting anything done. Then smoke too much. Then worry about smoking and dying. Then worry about money- what if I can't take care of myself financially and am sick? I feel so lonely but avoid everyone. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I'm ashamed when I let my s.o. really hear my talk about the craziness in my mind. I feel like to the world any "problems" I have are ridiculous because I have more than others so what is there to "whine" about?
I hate the way my mind works. I don't remember ever NOT feeling this way.
I used to drink and "party" when I was younger. Now if I drink ANYTHING I have such extreme REMORSE and physical symptoms for DAYS/WEEKS later that it's not worth drinking. I guilt myself if I drink even just a beer and irrationally overanalyze what I did while drinking when I didn't do anything! If I change my routine at all then I feel like my world is thrown off and I am even more irritated and off balance.
I wish I could take a pill, a drink or a smoke that would keep me in a daze that I dont ever have to wake from. EVER.
I wish I could go somewhere alone and crawl up in a ball and never come out, never tell anyone where I am, never speak to anyone.
Everyday feels like an effort to be "in the world."
I feel like if anyone really "knew" me they would put me in a hosptial.
I am in Therapy with a great therapist. I am on meds and have been for a long time. I need to pursue finding a good psychiatrist to really intensly look at meds but how do I take the first step when I am distracted just trying to make coffee? Its a struggle to take a shower and brush my teeth. Its a struggle to even get out of bed but I am also always in pain from muscle tension and having nightmares that I have to get out of bed.
I don't know if anyone will read this but if you do, and you have ever felt this way, please chime in. I would love to hear that I'm not the only one. Thanks.
A more formal intro into my world will be posted when I can exhale...
I am so so so so so so sick of screaming on the inside. Sick of my MIND constantly on overdrive. I think people who hear the dx "Anxiety" think that looks like lots of energy and cant sit still, etc. For me it's extreme fatigue, sleepless nights even on Halcion, Paxil everyday (after taking a million other meds- still don't know if it's working).
I'm so irritated. Can't focus or keep my attention on work. Distracted but tired so I get nothing done then ruminate over not getting anything done. Then smoke too much. Then worry about smoking and dying. Then worry about money- what if I can't take care of myself financially and am sick? I feel so lonely but avoid everyone. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I'm ashamed when I let my s.o. really hear my talk about the craziness in my mind. I feel like to the world any "problems" I have are ridiculous because I have more than others so what is there to "whine" about?
I hate the way my mind works. I don't remember ever NOT feeling this way.
I used to drink and "party" when I was younger. Now if I drink ANYTHING I have such extreme REMORSE and physical symptoms for DAYS/WEEKS later that it's not worth drinking. I guilt myself if I drink even just a beer and irrationally overanalyze what I did while drinking when I didn't do anything! If I change my routine at all then I feel like my world is thrown off and I am even more irritated and off balance.
I wish I could take a pill, a drink or a smoke that would keep me in a daze that I dont ever have to wake from. EVER.
I wish I could go somewhere alone and crawl up in a ball and never come out, never tell anyone where I am, never speak to anyone.
Everyday feels like an effort to be "in the world."
I feel like if anyone really "knew" me they would put me in a hosptial.
I am in Therapy with a great therapist. I am on meds and have been for a long time. I need to pursue finding a good psychiatrist to really intensly look at meds but how do I take the first step when I am distracted just trying to make coffee? Its a struggle to take a shower and brush my teeth. Its a struggle to even get out of bed but I am also always in pain from muscle tension and having nightmares that I have to get out of bed.
I don't know if anyone will read this but if you do, and you have ever felt this way, please chime in. I would love to hear that I'm not the only one. Thanks.