Berren
04-13-2010, 06:41 PM
Hello. I'm pretty terrible at these introductions, but I'll try my best to explain my situation. I want to say how relieved I am at finding a forum for this though, my gratitude to everyone here, especially the board owners.
I'm nearly 15, female, from England- I'd rather not say whereabouts though.
I've been out of school for about a year now (because of bullying). In this time I've become very reclusive, and I've severed all contact with the one person I really got on with in school. I haven't been out of the house alot since leaving school, and when I do it's only been at night time (and always with someone). Up to press, I haven't been out more than once this year though. And I think the issues I have with stepping outside have really gotten worse this year too; The other day my dad missed the shop and told me I had to go and get the electric the next day. I was pretty terrified so my mum offered to go in my place, and we agreed not to tell my dad (as far as he knows I'm just lazy). They never offer for me to go out with them though, so I never really have to explain myself.
I sometimes feel emotionally neglected by my parents too, both of them are alcoholics; my dad only drinks at night (9pm till about 12am when he goes to bed, and every night). My mum often has episodes where she will start drinking at around 5-6pm, and then she might go out and come in before 12am. My dad locks the door when he goes to bed (only when my mum is out though..), and me and my older sister (who lives with us) aren't allowed to open it for my mum. As you might of guessed, my parents' relationship is nothing short of dead. My mum wants a divorce, but never goes about getting one. My dad is happy just to not speak to her and sit in the front room every night. My mum has been sober for the last few days though, but unlike most days she is sober she's much more enthusiastic about actually being sober and trying to get off the drink for good. She needs a car under her butt to go out sober though, otherwise she'd have to drink to go anywhere (since we don't have a car we always use taxis, and it was on the day that I was supposed to go and get the electric that I payed for the taxi fair for my mum to go up).
Previously me and my mum would fall out a bit over her drinking. On the odd days that she was sober we would start talking about her getting a divorce and stopping drinking/smoking and just bettering herself in life. It would always turn into a shouting argument though, because even though I was trying to give her advice on how she could stop I always felt that she was defending her own right to have a drink, because she never seemed to agree with me. And because it always seemed to end in an argument I would get really depressed over her not 'embracing' my support, (I would of thought anyone in her situation would of appreciated any bit of support they could get) and I just start to feel worthless and I usually end up crying over it when that happens.
I have total 3 sisters, one who I mentioned lives with us , and then there is one with 4 children. (My other sister isn't really relevant to this since I don't see her all that often)
The one with 4 children is up here almost everyday; We had about 2/3 weeks of peace from her since she had fallen out with my mum because she refused to babysit though, but she would always come up, pretty much everyday (maybe a Sunday off in a week) and leave her children to my mum for caring. Because they're so loud and messy and noisy I always retreated up to my room whenever they came, and also I don't really like This Sister much. I'd always ask my mum if That Sister was coming up, and my mum would always get annoyed because apparently that was ''all I went on about''. I would then ask my mum if she could tell her to leave her alone for just one day (mum would complain about That Sister being ungrateful to her, and that her kids were tiring everyday) but my mum would never say yes, and I'd get really frustrated and angry with her, so I usually stormed off, sometimes I'd kick things along the way, but then I'd end up crying in my room. I felt emotionally neglected because my mum would never give me a break from the children's noise, and there was no way I was staying downstairs to chat to her with screaming kids everyday. Whenever That Sister came up, my mum would always seem to ignore me and just start caring for the children too. I remember we were talking in the kitchen and unexpectedly That Sister came through the door, and even though my mum had seemed to be against babysitting if she actually did come up that day, she complied straight away to That Sister's request. I just felt as if I was obligated (unwillingly) to abandon any conversation I might of been having at the time just so She could dump her kids here for the day.
I'm also terrified about how I'm going to support myself when I move out of this house too. I talked to my dad a bit about houses and jobs a little while ago, and even then when I was asking him 'how will I support myself when I'm older' I could feel my eyes starting to tear up. But I managed to sneakily wipe them away, though I never really got an answer to my question. My dad said that he will always look after me, and he even said he'd pay for a car and driving lessons when the time comes that I want to learn (which by the way, I do) but he's already bought me expensive computers and hardware for it, I just feel like I'm always burdening him with my asking for this stuff. So this year I don't want him to get me anything for my Birthday or Christmas, and I certainly don't want him to be paying for me to leave this house either. Me and a friend I met on-line (I've known them for about 2 years) have discussed rooming together, so that gives me a little comfort on this subject.
I have an extremely difficult time talking to my parents about this kind of thing. I haven't even tried explaining this to my dad out of fear, and the other day I basically broke down when I was talking to my mum, but I barely scratched the surface of the 'whole problem' I seem have. Before I broke down I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and though I knew what I had to say to her I just couldn't open my mouth and actually say it. When we went up to her room to talk more privately she pretty much said it for me.
I want to be able to go outside without being terrified of every stranger I walk past, and I want to not have to depend on my dad for financial support, but right now my future is looking so bleak. I couldn't even bare the thought of going to the doctor when I thought I had appendicitis not too long ago.
Please help, and thank you for taking the time to read this.
I also understand this is quite an elaborate 'introduction', but I thought it was a necessary explanation.
I'm nearly 15, female, from England- I'd rather not say whereabouts though.
I've been out of school for about a year now (because of bullying). In this time I've become very reclusive, and I've severed all contact with the one person I really got on with in school. I haven't been out of the house alot since leaving school, and when I do it's only been at night time (and always with someone). Up to press, I haven't been out more than once this year though. And I think the issues I have with stepping outside have really gotten worse this year too; The other day my dad missed the shop and told me I had to go and get the electric the next day. I was pretty terrified so my mum offered to go in my place, and we agreed not to tell my dad (as far as he knows I'm just lazy). They never offer for me to go out with them though, so I never really have to explain myself.
I sometimes feel emotionally neglected by my parents too, both of them are alcoholics; my dad only drinks at night (9pm till about 12am when he goes to bed, and every night). My mum often has episodes where she will start drinking at around 5-6pm, and then she might go out and come in before 12am. My dad locks the door when he goes to bed (only when my mum is out though..), and me and my older sister (who lives with us) aren't allowed to open it for my mum. As you might of guessed, my parents' relationship is nothing short of dead. My mum wants a divorce, but never goes about getting one. My dad is happy just to not speak to her and sit in the front room every night. My mum has been sober for the last few days though, but unlike most days she is sober she's much more enthusiastic about actually being sober and trying to get off the drink for good. She needs a car under her butt to go out sober though, otherwise she'd have to drink to go anywhere (since we don't have a car we always use taxis, and it was on the day that I was supposed to go and get the electric that I payed for the taxi fair for my mum to go up).
Previously me and my mum would fall out a bit over her drinking. On the odd days that she was sober we would start talking about her getting a divorce and stopping drinking/smoking and just bettering herself in life. It would always turn into a shouting argument though, because even though I was trying to give her advice on how she could stop I always felt that she was defending her own right to have a drink, because she never seemed to agree with me. And because it always seemed to end in an argument I would get really depressed over her not 'embracing' my support, (I would of thought anyone in her situation would of appreciated any bit of support they could get) and I just start to feel worthless and I usually end up crying over it when that happens.
I have total 3 sisters, one who I mentioned lives with us , and then there is one with 4 children. (My other sister isn't really relevant to this since I don't see her all that often)
The one with 4 children is up here almost everyday; We had about 2/3 weeks of peace from her since she had fallen out with my mum because she refused to babysit though, but she would always come up, pretty much everyday (maybe a Sunday off in a week) and leave her children to my mum for caring. Because they're so loud and messy and noisy I always retreated up to my room whenever they came, and also I don't really like This Sister much. I'd always ask my mum if That Sister was coming up, and my mum would always get annoyed because apparently that was ''all I went on about''. I would then ask my mum if she could tell her to leave her alone for just one day (mum would complain about That Sister being ungrateful to her, and that her kids were tiring everyday) but my mum would never say yes, and I'd get really frustrated and angry with her, so I usually stormed off, sometimes I'd kick things along the way, but then I'd end up crying in my room. I felt emotionally neglected because my mum would never give me a break from the children's noise, and there was no way I was staying downstairs to chat to her with screaming kids everyday. Whenever That Sister came up, my mum would always seem to ignore me and just start caring for the children too. I remember we were talking in the kitchen and unexpectedly That Sister came through the door, and even though my mum had seemed to be against babysitting if she actually did come up that day, she complied straight away to That Sister's request. I just felt as if I was obligated (unwillingly) to abandon any conversation I might of been having at the time just so She could dump her kids here for the day.
I'm also terrified about how I'm going to support myself when I move out of this house too. I talked to my dad a bit about houses and jobs a little while ago, and even then when I was asking him 'how will I support myself when I'm older' I could feel my eyes starting to tear up. But I managed to sneakily wipe them away, though I never really got an answer to my question. My dad said that he will always look after me, and he even said he'd pay for a car and driving lessons when the time comes that I want to learn (which by the way, I do) but he's already bought me expensive computers and hardware for it, I just feel like I'm always burdening him with my asking for this stuff. So this year I don't want him to get me anything for my Birthday or Christmas, and I certainly don't want him to be paying for me to leave this house either. Me and a friend I met on-line (I've known them for about 2 years) have discussed rooming together, so that gives me a little comfort on this subject.
I have an extremely difficult time talking to my parents about this kind of thing. I haven't even tried explaining this to my dad out of fear, and the other day I basically broke down when I was talking to my mum, but I barely scratched the surface of the 'whole problem' I seem have. Before I broke down I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and though I knew what I had to say to her I just couldn't open my mouth and actually say it. When we went up to her room to talk more privately she pretty much said it for me.
I want to be able to go outside without being terrified of every stranger I walk past, and I want to not have to depend on my dad for financial support, but right now my future is looking so bleak. I couldn't even bare the thought of going to the doctor when I thought I had appendicitis not too long ago.
Please help, and thank you for taking the time to read this.
I also understand this is quite an elaborate 'introduction', but I thought it was a necessary explanation.