SeekingAid
03-13-2010, 02:28 PM
Hello all! I posted here a good while back and am back again looking for advice. This is going to be a rather long post but I need to express everything I deal with in order to get the proper help.
So where to begin...well, my family has a history of anxiety, depression, OCD, and whathaveyou. When I was young, I had pretty intense OCD. I used to say "perfect" after a lot of things, I used to say "I love you" even when I didn't want to, and perhaps one of the most annoying things I had to deal with...if any of you remember the prayers you say before you sleep (Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep) etc...I used to have to say that over and over again until I did it without mistakes (else I'd have to repeat it again). I eventually got over all of this as it was mostly early in my youth, but now I'm 22 and I still feel like I have to touch the soap if something I deem as unacceptable crosses my mind or if people I deem as unsavory come over. I actually even wipe down the bottoms of my feet if I leave my room (only if someone I feel is "unclean" comes over and only if it has been in the last few weeks). Sounds silly, I know, but these are not the worst of my problems. Hell, I've managed to live with this kind of thing so far, but it does get a little old as one could imagine.
Being young, I was raised on video games. I've had just about every gaming system imaginable (except for the newest ones today). I've owned: Commodore 64, NES, Sega, SNES, PS1, PS2, GBA, N64, and a PC. If I can recall my youth, I used to play basketball when I was in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade, but every other time I was in my room playing games. I'm surprised my eyes aren't really bad because I spent most of my time in front of a television.
I've also had anxiety in my life...I didn't get a license until I was 19, nor did I learn to drive until that age. I was actually very terrified of it. Even when I got my license, I refused to drive without a GPS (because I worried that something awful would happen if I got lost). I can drive places that I know of without my GPS, but I'm uncomfortable if I'm going somewhere new without it. I fear that this will cause me to be unable to find my way anywhere once I actually start living. To add to my anxiety, I've never broken a bone, been seriously ill, nor have I been in a wreck. I also have floaters in my eyes that irritate the hell out of me. On top of this, my right eye is worse than my left in terms of vision. None of this stuff is relevant to driving, but these are things that are constantly going through my mind.
I don't want to be like those people who claim they have ADHD and really don't, but I will say that it's very difficult for me to focus. Reading a book is almost out of the question because I'm always thinking about something else that I can do. I can force myself to read, but I find myself re-reading paragraphs, sentences, words, etc. just to capture what I'm reading. I'm very tall 6'4", almost 6'5", and very thin (140 lbs). I'm constantly moving (anyone that knows me will tell you this) and I cannot gain weight for the life of me. As you can tell, I'm incredibly thin. I will get into money issues in a bit, but I live at home with my grandparents (not that old, only 60!) and as you can imagine they eat horrible food. Yes, the classic dietary or low-calorie meals are what they typically indulge in (meaning there isn't really food for me to eat around the house unless I buy it) but they do provide good dinners (Grilled steaks, pork chops, hamburgers, sometimes ordering pizza or bringing Taco Bell). I feel as though my metabolism is basically through the roof, but there are many times (almost every day) where I skip breakfast or just suffer through pangs of hunger until my grandpa brings food home (I'm very stingy with what little money I DO have).
I've never really had a girlfriend, which I do deem as a huge problem. Yes, I'm still a virgin, even though I've had multiple opportunities to have sex I've chosen not to because I'm incredibly picky and turn them down. I want nothing more than to have someone in my life I can care about and hang out with and just generally have a good relationship with. I've resorted to meeting girls online via dating websites and have been on numerous dates (more than 10 different girls) in the time I've been there. I'd say about 5 or more of them have been wanting more than just that first date, but I never give it to them. A typical scenario as of late is this--I meet a girl online, we talk quite a bit, we go on a date. The date is going well, and sometimes I will even enjoy the company. But then, and I feel that I may just be unlucky, they will start bringing awful drama (for example, one girl told me how she was locked in a closet for 2 weeks) and I will shun them. That girl mentioned previously was a fine date, but I found many problems with her (some physical but most dealing with her personality). She wanted to cook for me and was asking me what I was doing for my birthday (which was the week after the date) and I felt very claustrophobic. I told her to back off, and she did. It isn't as if I'm unattractive...I think I would be a thousand times more attractive if I was fit (wouldn't we all) but I do have MANY self-image problems that I don't tell anyone. The main problem is that I'm too thin, my teeth aren't perfectly straight and white, my nose is too big (and I think it was broken when I was younger making it slightly crooked, though I don't remember breaking it) and so forth. I've even had a girl drop her number off for me at work, we went on a date, and after the date she called me and was talking, and snuck in that her ex won't stop calling her and her stepdad held a gun to her head when she was 5 and all this nonsense. As you can see, it's incredibly frustrating. I've never really met a girl and pursued her if I didn't meet her online. I don't even know if I'd know how to flirt or attract a girl without talking to her on the internet, as sad as that sounds. Long story short, I'm 22 and have never had a girlfriend AND am still a virgin, and just feel incredibly pressured all the time to change it (but can't).
I was incredibly terrified of getting a job, but I managed to force myself to search for one as soon as I got my license. It took me half a year, but my first job landed was washing dishes at a brand new restaurant (I was part of the opening crew, and got to open the restaurant...neat experience). Well, I had training at another restaurant where I asked tons of questions to the dishwasher who was training me and I managed to get through my shift with only a few mistakes. Near the end, I almost passed out from what I deem as dehydration (but I had the same feeling when I was taking my first AP exam in high school and a similar feeling when it was my first day at my bookstore). It might have been something else, but I don't know. Whenever something new is about to happen (interview, first day on the job, driving exam) I get an incredibly nervous stomach, feel nauseous, and will find any excuse not to do it. When I'm actually DOING whatever it is I'm fine, it's just the nervousness beforehand. Well, long story short, I quit the job washing dishes because I didn't like it. It was $8 per hour (this was over 2 years ago so minimum wage wasn't $7.25) and 32+ hours a week. I actually quit after the first day, and was incredibly depressed after doing so. I actually couldn't stop myself from crying. It was very strange, and I never cry. In fact, that was the last time that I did (barring funerals) and the time before THAT was years before it as well.
So, I took another hiatus and locked myself away in my room. Finally, I randomly filled out an online application for my bookstore and got hired (and they NEVER hire because it's so popular and no one ever quits). That was 2 years ago, and I started at $7.25 an hour. I now make $8.00 an hour. The hours I used to have were around 20 per week and I covered every shift I could. I learned how to do basically everything except for managerial duties and I benefited from having the training necessary to do certain jobs when need be. Well, now it's 2 years later (and apparently the economy isn't getting any better still) and now I'm getting 9-13 hours a week. Minimum wage was raised from $5.25 to $7.25 RIGHT as I got my raise to $8.00, so of course I'm not getting a raise to compensate for the cost of living going up. So, after 2 years, I'm barely making above minimum wage. I like my job and I like the majority of the people I work with and have made some good friendships there and at the adjacent stores, but I need another job. I have said this since I started realizing how expensive life is but I haven't acted on it. I don't know why. I'm off today, but I'm here at my computer typing this message. I HAVE applied to places around, but I don't know what to do nor have I tried anywhere else except for a 5 mile radius (largely because of my GPS handicapping me). My money dilemma causes me to be incredibly stingy--I rarely go places unless it's cheap or free. I make roughly $400 a month and have $45 for a cell phone, $120 for insurance, $120 for a loan I got to replace my transmission, $40 for gas, and I'm left with basically nil. As I mentioned earlier, I feel like I can't gain weight because there is never food around here and I can't afford to buy myself groceries every week.
One of the things I want the most is just to be out of here. I live with my grandparents (who are 60) and my uncle lives here as well (he's 38). My uncle is probably one of the most intelligent people I know, but he has a lot of social anxiety, agoraphobia, or whatever. He works 40+ hours a week, but the time that he's off he spends playing PC games. He isn't really out of shape as he did martial arts for a long time and still does on occasion, but his time is spent much like my time is spent. I've adopted many of his mannerisms and habits. When I'm off work or not going to class (I attend college as well, more on that in a bit) I'm on the computer or watching television in my room. Looking for jobs? No. Being social? Only when people call me. Getting a girl? Nope. My grandparents never push my uncle to move out, and I'm afraid I'll get caught in the same trap. I want a full, productive life, and I do NOT want to end up like him. He's almost 40 and hasn't really had a girlfriend that I've ever seen until now (and she's really annoying...she's 88 pounds and acts like she's "part of the family" and even bugs my uncle. I won't get into that, though).
Games have been a release for me (kept my mind off of all my problems) and I can't escape from them, it seems. A typical cycle is I will purchase a game or two, play them until another one comes out that I want, and then latch on to that one. It's just a relentless process which is so difficult to wean myself off of. I do have healthy habits, like playing guitar, singing, and writing, but I haven't written in a really long time and I feel I have plateaued on my instrumental progress (but I can't afford lessons and I don't want to play with the people I know that DO play).
Another huge problem I have is with sleeping. My uncle is on Xanax (don't know if that matters) but ever since I can remember he has slept 10 hours at a time. That's the same thing I do. I usually work morning shifts (get up at 6 A.M., shower, skip breakfast, go to work until 11:30 A.M., come home) and will usually take a nap after I get home. Sadly, I will set my alarm, fall asleep, and get up when my alarm goes off to just turn it off and go back to sleep. I tried to fix this by putting my clock across the room, but I still walk over, turn it off, walk back, and go back to sleep. I do this on my days off, as well. I would like a normalized sleeping schedule, but this is typically what happens...I will wake up at noon-2 P.M. on my day off, do nothing all day, play games, etc...then, I won't go to sleep until about 2 or 3 A.M. So, I will get up at 6 A.M., go to work, come home, and nap, thus screwing up my schedule again. I am usually off for 4 days in a row because of how few hours I'm getting (from noon Thursday to 7 A.M. Tuesday) and my schedule will always slip (waking up at 9 A.M., then 11 A.M., then 2 P.M. and being screwed again for when I have to get up at 6 A.M. the following morning). I don't know why it's so difficult for me to wake up. I sleep through a lot of things, and as I said, my alarm wakes me up but I simply turn it off. I lack the willpower to STAY awake and I don't know why. I can get up when I have something to do, but when I don't, I will procrastinate and simply say "I'll look for a job tomorrow". I tend to wait for things to come to me.
I consider myself an outgoing person, but I get depressed very easily. My mother was diagnosed as being bipolar, but I'm not sure that's relevant as I don't have faith in psychologists anyway. I'm really outgoing when I do go places...I can easily be the life of the party, but as soon as I go home I deem myself a failure and get depressed about it. This isn't always the case, but I'll give you yet another example. I went out with some friends to a bar in Buckhead (yes, I live in Georgia in the suburbs around Atlanta). Everything is fine, we're having fun, then they start talking about sex stories and past girlfriends and I get depressed because I'm immediately shut out of the conversation. I can't contribute because I have nothing to add. As soon as the attention shifts from me to someone else I get upset.
I also have a short temper. I don't lash out at people or visibly get angry, but on the inside I'm usually boiling mad. I would never act on it in anything other than yelling at someone, but it makes my life miserable. I get angry about menial things...I think playing competitive PC games has caused a lot of this anger. I get mad when a girl I know gets a boyfriend, I get mad when people get more money, I get angry when people have their parents baby them when I actually have to pay almost all my money toward my own bills. Essentially, I'm angry when people have what I don't have. I work retail, so no matter how mad I get I always have a smile and give great customer service. Strangers don't really bother me unless they are absolutely out of control. Nothing has really caused me to want to quit, though. I think strangers getting mad is humorous more than taking it to heart. My friends are the ones that make me angry. I have started to think that women have it way easier than men in the relationship department. I have always tried to get a relationship but failed, and women that are at least moderately attractive get a guy no problem. These are probably skewed viewpoints because of my failed love life.
I go to college, I'm only a sophomore. I have a great aunt/uncle that are paying for it, but I never talk to them outside of asking for tuition (because they are very religious and try to press their views on me. I consider myself Christian, but I don't really care for organized religion and they actually own a church and he's the pastor). I decided to do all of my core classes first so I would have time to think of what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be stuck in an office or in front of a PC, nor do I want to be involved in corporate bullshit that lacks job security. I wouldn't mind owning my own business but I don't even know what I like to do anymore. This semester, I decided to take 3 classes (one core and 2 to see if I'd like it) and I dropped the other 2 almost immediately. Now I only have one class and next semester will HAVE to be me starting my major (I'm currently undecided). It's very hard for me to be decisive (again, friends will tell you that I have a hard time even picking things to do because I'm socially weakened for living at home so long. Sheltered, perhaps). I feel like I should be meeting so many people in college. We have 20,000+ students but I don't have a lasting relationship from any of them. Any class that I can skip, I do. I have never failed a class, and have been an A/B student the whole time. I feel the classes I take are almost a joke...maybe it's because I consider myself intelligent or "above" it, I'm not sure.
So my situation right now is this...I can't focus, I have no motivation, I worry about silly things, I find reasons not to do things. Girls are hard to attract because every time I fail with the girls I want I take a hit to my self confidence. Every girl I DON'T want wants me, and the cycle continues. I want to move out, but I have debt that I feel I have to pay off beforehand, and don't see an end in sight. I am making shit for money, but I can't get myself to spend my days off searching for a job. I get angry at every little thing, I still have OCD and anxiety that I can't shake. I can't stop playing games because they kill time and make my day easy instead of filled with decisions. I can't improve my self image because I genuinely cannot afford the food I would have to buy to conquer my metabolism and I'm already too self conscious to go to the gym by myself. I want to break out of this cocoon of a room and find myself, but I can't seem to pull the trigger. If you all have read this far, I really commend you. This post basically encapsulates my life and what I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I really look forward to your responses and will be glad to clarify anything if it will help me to learn to live.
Thanks!
So where to begin...well, my family has a history of anxiety, depression, OCD, and whathaveyou. When I was young, I had pretty intense OCD. I used to say "perfect" after a lot of things, I used to say "I love you" even when I didn't want to, and perhaps one of the most annoying things I had to deal with...if any of you remember the prayers you say before you sleep (Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep) etc...I used to have to say that over and over again until I did it without mistakes (else I'd have to repeat it again). I eventually got over all of this as it was mostly early in my youth, but now I'm 22 and I still feel like I have to touch the soap if something I deem as unacceptable crosses my mind or if people I deem as unsavory come over. I actually even wipe down the bottoms of my feet if I leave my room (only if someone I feel is "unclean" comes over and only if it has been in the last few weeks). Sounds silly, I know, but these are not the worst of my problems. Hell, I've managed to live with this kind of thing so far, but it does get a little old as one could imagine.
Being young, I was raised on video games. I've had just about every gaming system imaginable (except for the newest ones today). I've owned: Commodore 64, NES, Sega, SNES, PS1, PS2, GBA, N64, and a PC. If I can recall my youth, I used to play basketball when I was in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade, but every other time I was in my room playing games. I'm surprised my eyes aren't really bad because I spent most of my time in front of a television.
I've also had anxiety in my life...I didn't get a license until I was 19, nor did I learn to drive until that age. I was actually very terrified of it. Even when I got my license, I refused to drive without a GPS (because I worried that something awful would happen if I got lost). I can drive places that I know of without my GPS, but I'm uncomfortable if I'm going somewhere new without it. I fear that this will cause me to be unable to find my way anywhere once I actually start living. To add to my anxiety, I've never broken a bone, been seriously ill, nor have I been in a wreck. I also have floaters in my eyes that irritate the hell out of me. On top of this, my right eye is worse than my left in terms of vision. None of this stuff is relevant to driving, but these are things that are constantly going through my mind.
I don't want to be like those people who claim they have ADHD and really don't, but I will say that it's very difficult for me to focus. Reading a book is almost out of the question because I'm always thinking about something else that I can do. I can force myself to read, but I find myself re-reading paragraphs, sentences, words, etc. just to capture what I'm reading. I'm very tall 6'4", almost 6'5", and very thin (140 lbs). I'm constantly moving (anyone that knows me will tell you this) and I cannot gain weight for the life of me. As you can tell, I'm incredibly thin. I will get into money issues in a bit, but I live at home with my grandparents (not that old, only 60!) and as you can imagine they eat horrible food. Yes, the classic dietary or low-calorie meals are what they typically indulge in (meaning there isn't really food for me to eat around the house unless I buy it) but they do provide good dinners (Grilled steaks, pork chops, hamburgers, sometimes ordering pizza or bringing Taco Bell). I feel as though my metabolism is basically through the roof, but there are many times (almost every day) where I skip breakfast or just suffer through pangs of hunger until my grandpa brings food home (I'm very stingy with what little money I DO have).
I've never really had a girlfriend, which I do deem as a huge problem. Yes, I'm still a virgin, even though I've had multiple opportunities to have sex I've chosen not to because I'm incredibly picky and turn them down. I want nothing more than to have someone in my life I can care about and hang out with and just generally have a good relationship with. I've resorted to meeting girls online via dating websites and have been on numerous dates (more than 10 different girls) in the time I've been there. I'd say about 5 or more of them have been wanting more than just that first date, but I never give it to them. A typical scenario as of late is this--I meet a girl online, we talk quite a bit, we go on a date. The date is going well, and sometimes I will even enjoy the company. But then, and I feel that I may just be unlucky, they will start bringing awful drama (for example, one girl told me how she was locked in a closet for 2 weeks) and I will shun them. That girl mentioned previously was a fine date, but I found many problems with her (some physical but most dealing with her personality). She wanted to cook for me and was asking me what I was doing for my birthday (which was the week after the date) and I felt very claustrophobic. I told her to back off, and she did. It isn't as if I'm unattractive...I think I would be a thousand times more attractive if I was fit (wouldn't we all) but I do have MANY self-image problems that I don't tell anyone. The main problem is that I'm too thin, my teeth aren't perfectly straight and white, my nose is too big (and I think it was broken when I was younger making it slightly crooked, though I don't remember breaking it) and so forth. I've even had a girl drop her number off for me at work, we went on a date, and after the date she called me and was talking, and snuck in that her ex won't stop calling her and her stepdad held a gun to her head when she was 5 and all this nonsense. As you can see, it's incredibly frustrating. I've never really met a girl and pursued her if I didn't meet her online. I don't even know if I'd know how to flirt or attract a girl without talking to her on the internet, as sad as that sounds. Long story short, I'm 22 and have never had a girlfriend AND am still a virgin, and just feel incredibly pressured all the time to change it (but can't).
I was incredibly terrified of getting a job, but I managed to force myself to search for one as soon as I got my license. It took me half a year, but my first job landed was washing dishes at a brand new restaurant (I was part of the opening crew, and got to open the restaurant...neat experience). Well, I had training at another restaurant where I asked tons of questions to the dishwasher who was training me and I managed to get through my shift with only a few mistakes. Near the end, I almost passed out from what I deem as dehydration (but I had the same feeling when I was taking my first AP exam in high school and a similar feeling when it was my first day at my bookstore). It might have been something else, but I don't know. Whenever something new is about to happen (interview, first day on the job, driving exam) I get an incredibly nervous stomach, feel nauseous, and will find any excuse not to do it. When I'm actually DOING whatever it is I'm fine, it's just the nervousness beforehand. Well, long story short, I quit the job washing dishes because I didn't like it. It was $8 per hour (this was over 2 years ago so minimum wage wasn't $7.25) and 32+ hours a week. I actually quit after the first day, and was incredibly depressed after doing so. I actually couldn't stop myself from crying. It was very strange, and I never cry. In fact, that was the last time that I did (barring funerals) and the time before THAT was years before it as well.
So, I took another hiatus and locked myself away in my room. Finally, I randomly filled out an online application for my bookstore and got hired (and they NEVER hire because it's so popular and no one ever quits). That was 2 years ago, and I started at $7.25 an hour. I now make $8.00 an hour. The hours I used to have were around 20 per week and I covered every shift I could. I learned how to do basically everything except for managerial duties and I benefited from having the training necessary to do certain jobs when need be. Well, now it's 2 years later (and apparently the economy isn't getting any better still) and now I'm getting 9-13 hours a week. Minimum wage was raised from $5.25 to $7.25 RIGHT as I got my raise to $8.00, so of course I'm not getting a raise to compensate for the cost of living going up. So, after 2 years, I'm barely making above minimum wage. I like my job and I like the majority of the people I work with and have made some good friendships there and at the adjacent stores, but I need another job. I have said this since I started realizing how expensive life is but I haven't acted on it. I don't know why. I'm off today, but I'm here at my computer typing this message. I HAVE applied to places around, but I don't know what to do nor have I tried anywhere else except for a 5 mile radius (largely because of my GPS handicapping me). My money dilemma causes me to be incredibly stingy--I rarely go places unless it's cheap or free. I make roughly $400 a month and have $45 for a cell phone, $120 for insurance, $120 for a loan I got to replace my transmission, $40 for gas, and I'm left with basically nil. As I mentioned earlier, I feel like I can't gain weight because there is never food around here and I can't afford to buy myself groceries every week.
One of the things I want the most is just to be out of here. I live with my grandparents (who are 60) and my uncle lives here as well (he's 38). My uncle is probably one of the most intelligent people I know, but he has a lot of social anxiety, agoraphobia, or whatever. He works 40+ hours a week, but the time that he's off he spends playing PC games. He isn't really out of shape as he did martial arts for a long time and still does on occasion, but his time is spent much like my time is spent. I've adopted many of his mannerisms and habits. When I'm off work or not going to class (I attend college as well, more on that in a bit) I'm on the computer or watching television in my room. Looking for jobs? No. Being social? Only when people call me. Getting a girl? Nope. My grandparents never push my uncle to move out, and I'm afraid I'll get caught in the same trap. I want a full, productive life, and I do NOT want to end up like him. He's almost 40 and hasn't really had a girlfriend that I've ever seen until now (and she's really annoying...she's 88 pounds and acts like she's "part of the family" and even bugs my uncle. I won't get into that, though).
Games have been a release for me (kept my mind off of all my problems) and I can't escape from them, it seems. A typical cycle is I will purchase a game or two, play them until another one comes out that I want, and then latch on to that one. It's just a relentless process which is so difficult to wean myself off of. I do have healthy habits, like playing guitar, singing, and writing, but I haven't written in a really long time and I feel I have plateaued on my instrumental progress (but I can't afford lessons and I don't want to play with the people I know that DO play).
Another huge problem I have is with sleeping. My uncle is on Xanax (don't know if that matters) but ever since I can remember he has slept 10 hours at a time. That's the same thing I do. I usually work morning shifts (get up at 6 A.M., shower, skip breakfast, go to work until 11:30 A.M., come home) and will usually take a nap after I get home. Sadly, I will set my alarm, fall asleep, and get up when my alarm goes off to just turn it off and go back to sleep. I tried to fix this by putting my clock across the room, but I still walk over, turn it off, walk back, and go back to sleep. I do this on my days off, as well. I would like a normalized sleeping schedule, but this is typically what happens...I will wake up at noon-2 P.M. on my day off, do nothing all day, play games, etc...then, I won't go to sleep until about 2 or 3 A.M. So, I will get up at 6 A.M., go to work, come home, and nap, thus screwing up my schedule again. I am usually off for 4 days in a row because of how few hours I'm getting (from noon Thursday to 7 A.M. Tuesday) and my schedule will always slip (waking up at 9 A.M., then 11 A.M., then 2 P.M. and being screwed again for when I have to get up at 6 A.M. the following morning). I don't know why it's so difficult for me to wake up. I sleep through a lot of things, and as I said, my alarm wakes me up but I simply turn it off. I lack the willpower to STAY awake and I don't know why. I can get up when I have something to do, but when I don't, I will procrastinate and simply say "I'll look for a job tomorrow". I tend to wait for things to come to me.
I consider myself an outgoing person, but I get depressed very easily. My mother was diagnosed as being bipolar, but I'm not sure that's relevant as I don't have faith in psychologists anyway. I'm really outgoing when I do go places...I can easily be the life of the party, but as soon as I go home I deem myself a failure and get depressed about it. This isn't always the case, but I'll give you yet another example. I went out with some friends to a bar in Buckhead (yes, I live in Georgia in the suburbs around Atlanta). Everything is fine, we're having fun, then they start talking about sex stories and past girlfriends and I get depressed because I'm immediately shut out of the conversation. I can't contribute because I have nothing to add. As soon as the attention shifts from me to someone else I get upset.
I also have a short temper. I don't lash out at people or visibly get angry, but on the inside I'm usually boiling mad. I would never act on it in anything other than yelling at someone, but it makes my life miserable. I get angry about menial things...I think playing competitive PC games has caused a lot of this anger. I get mad when a girl I know gets a boyfriend, I get mad when people get more money, I get angry when people have their parents baby them when I actually have to pay almost all my money toward my own bills. Essentially, I'm angry when people have what I don't have. I work retail, so no matter how mad I get I always have a smile and give great customer service. Strangers don't really bother me unless they are absolutely out of control. Nothing has really caused me to want to quit, though. I think strangers getting mad is humorous more than taking it to heart. My friends are the ones that make me angry. I have started to think that women have it way easier than men in the relationship department. I have always tried to get a relationship but failed, and women that are at least moderately attractive get a guy no problem. These are probably skewed viewpoints because of my failed love life.
I go to college, I'm only a sophomore. I have a great aunt/uncle that are paying for it, but I never talk to them outside of asking for tuition (because they are very religious and try to press their views on me. I consider myself Christian, but I don't really care for organized religion and they actually own a church and he's the pastor). I decided to do all of my core classes first so I would have time to think of what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be stuck in an office or in front of a PC, nor do I want to be involved in corporate bullshit that lacks job security. I wouldn't mind owning my own business but I don't even know what I like to do anymore. This semester, I decided to take 3 classes (one core and 2 to see if I'd like it) and I dropped the other 2 almost immediately. Now I only have one class and next semester will HAVE to be me starting my major (I'm currently undecided). It's very hard for me to be decisive (again, friends will tell you that I have a hard time even picking things to do because I'm socially weakened for living at home so long. Sheltered, perhaps). I feel like I should be meeting so many people in college. We have 20,000+ students but I don't have a lasting relationship from any of them. Any class that I can skip, I do. I have never failed a class, and have been an A/B student the whole time. I feel the classes I take are almost a joke...maybe it's because I consider myself intelligent or "above" it, I'm not sure.
So my situation right now is this...I can't focus, I have no motivation, I worry about silly things, I find reasons not to do things. Girls are hard to attract because every time I fail with the girls I want I take a hit to my self confidence. Every girl I DON'T want wants me, and the cycle continues. I want to move out, but I have debt that I feel I have to pay off beforehand, and don't see an end in sight. I am making shit for money, but I can't get myself to spend my days off searching for a job. I get angry at every little thing, I still have OCD and anxiety that I can't shake. I can't stop playing games because they kill time and make my day easy instead of filled with decisions. I can't improve my self image because I genuinely cannot afford the food I would have to buy to conquer my metabolism and I'm already too self conscious to go to the gym by myself. I want to break out of this cocoon of a room and find myself, but I can't seem to pull the trigger. If you all have read this far, I really commend you. This post basically encapsulates my life and what I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I really look forward to your responses and will be glad to clarify anything if it will help me to learn to live.
Thanks!