Can a relationship survive anxiety?

[SleepyKitty]

I should start by saying that I know this post is ridiculously long - but PLEASE, please take the time to read and reply. I cannot express how much I need to talk about this and how much it would mean to me to hear back from others.

My problem began two years ago - just before graduating college, my fiance was offered an important internship that would have led to a good, steady job after graduating. He became very ill with stomach problems - vomiting, stomach pain, couldn't eat, and so on. Because he does have GIRD and acid reflux, everyone assumed that his problems were physical. However, he was oddly reluctant to see any doctors about it. He was say things like "They can't help me anyways" or "There's nothing they can do - life will always be like this and I better get used to it." He lost his job, and also proposed to me right before losing his job. Things went downhill from there - he has not worked since and was almost always ill. He would get very ill, then a little better, we would think things were turning around, and then he'd be sick again with these stomach problems. I finally convinced him to see a doctor, but over those two years he kept only 3-4 appointments.

Finally, a month ago, things got very bad, worse than they'd ever been. He got REALLY sick (which had happened before) and did not get better (which hadn't) - constant vomiting, he lost 15 pounds in a week and a half because he couldn't eat, had two ER visits in that week, and finally started making statements about how he would rather die than live like this, about how he wanted to die, about how he could drive his car into a tree and no one would know he had done it on purpose, that I was his only reason for living and he'd ruined my life so he might as well die anyway. I was terrified, and insisted he go to his doctor and get a referral to a therapist.

Well, he did and he's been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Both his primary care physician and his therapist believe that his stomach problems have all stemmed from the anxiety (I should note here that his GI specialist has never been able to find any problems with his stomach that would cause these symptoms). Where we are today: he's only seen his therapist twice, so things are in the very early stage as far as that goes, but he's been put on medication and it's helped him so much. Things aren't perfect, and he still has physical as well mental symptoms of the anxiety, but it's like I've gotten the man that I fell in love with back - after all, it's been two years since I've seen him.

So what's the problem? Well, now that things are getting better finally, I find myself resentful, angry, and selfish. I always believed that love would get us through and I would stand by him through anything, but reality has been much harsher than I ever imagined. Now that he's getting better, and I'm not totally focused on getting him through each day, I look back over those two years and see everything I have sacrificed for him. I have been increasingly unhappy - he isn't working or trying to find work, and up until a few weeks ago he was always sick. To add to this, we live with his parents and have been for the last several years because he hasn't worked and therefore couldn't contribute financially to us moving out. I could afford to support myself living alone, but not both of us - but I am really unhappy living with them and feel desperately trapped.

Over the two years of his illness, we completely lost our connection - any time we spent together was overpowered by the fact that he was sick. We never talked, never enjoyed our time together, and never left the house. I feel like I have been strong for so long and have supported him (emotionally, monetarily, in all ways) for so long and now I just can't anymore. Where did my patience go? I feel like I got him through to the point where now he has help and hope, and now I'm done and I just don't want to do anymore. All I want is a normal life, an apartment, independence, and a guy who will take me out to dinner once in awhile - I want things to be easy, for once. On the other hand, I still love him and the thought of hurting him kills me. I don't want out because I don't love him anymore - I want out because I'm exhausted and so sick of supporting someone else and so tired of being unhappy all the time. I feel like an old woman at 24 and I'm so resentful that he - and his illness - ALWAYS comes before me.

To add to all of this the fear of me leaving him is a huge anxiety trigger for him. I can't have an open conversation with him about how unhappy I am because even hinting that we might not be together forever is enough to at best make his physical symptoms (nausea and stomach pain) reoccur, and at worst send him into a panic attack. If I say there's a problem with our relationship, he immediately assumes I'm going to leave him, and I spend my time reassuring him rather than actually discussing the problem - it's enough to make me want to leave him!

Please be brutally honest. Am I a horrible person to want to abandon the man I love because I can't deal with his illness anymore? Is there any hope for our relationship? Has anyone else dealt with this issue? How can I talk to him about this without making him sick again? Please, I'd love to hear from anyone in a relationship where one partner has anxiety problems - how do you make it work?

[forwells]

Hi Sleepykitty :)

Sorry to hear what you are both going though.

Just a quick question about your fiance , what i read into it is more depression than gad . I say this because how can anyone be diagnosed with GAD when they are sick .Ask yourself do you think if your fiance felt better he would be happy and feel better about himself ?
At the moment i am depressed , its not a diesease but is part of what i have been though the last 18 months . They can't help me anyways" or "There's nothing they can do This is very common and i say this alot to myself but i also learn to add that i will get though it . Maybe your fiance has lost his hope and his way and dont know what to do .It can be very hard when the people that help you are not helping you .

Anxiety dose not just come out of nowhere it builds and to be told that your anxiety is from your thinking when there is a medical problem is crazy , they need to be treating that problem and then the anxiety would go away .

Anyway thats just my take but i would be getting tested if he hasnt for it being sometthing that he is eating that is upsetting him and then his anxiety from having it for so long is feeding it .Go back to a very basic natural diet and give the gut time to heal. Trust me being sick with no one helping you can in itself cause huge anxiety and lost of hope at times .

OK onto you . Your doing a great job . It is what he needs at the moment . Everything you are feeling is normal and you know what he know just how you feel . Everyday he would be worried about you , worried about the way you feel , worried that he is effection your life in a negitive way , worried that you will be pushed to far and one day leave . The reason he knows this is that in can place himself in your boots and see how much you are taking . I was in the same place with my wife .
You have a right to feel all you do and yes it is understanding that you would want to have a normal life , go out etc .
My tip would be to tell him , i know you said it dosnt work but try harder , infact one tip that i did with my wife is i wrote it down , See i would say that you and him just cant talk about it because there is too many emotions behind it now . See you only have to say something like I want this or that and the first thing he will think is to blame himself .He thinks it is all his fault.Its not his fault no one wants to live like he is and you need to see this , it is not a chose he has made but one he is stuck in . If you love him which i think you do , then write it down and tell him , tell him you dont blame him , tell him that you are there for him and you love and surport him but you also need time for yourself , you also need him to invest sometime into you. If you do love him he needs to know that you are there for him and wont leave him , that is his biggest fear , He would feel so alone with his problem and you would be the one thing that would be getting him though this and every day he is scared that may be gone one day . He will understand that you need surport also for yourself .

You can make it work if you want but you need to talk and take the power back from his problem , you both need to be honest about the way you feel so that you are not both second guessing what the other is thinking. The biggest tip is you need to say everyday , i know this sucks but we can get though it and we will.

Like i said the biggest tip is to both write down what you feel and then you can talk about it from there , both of you will not tell each other the turth because you are to scared to hurt one another and that alone is getting in the way . I think his fear of you leaving is unfounded , you would be long gone by now but he cant see that so you need to show him but also work on yourself at the same time .

cheers kev :)

[MikeJsimon]

Anxiety in relationships can also be caused by people who have self esteem issues. If you feel like you are not worth being loved because of how you look, you are suffering from a complex. Also, there are people who are just anxious of the future and afraid because of the unknown. Whatever reason you have, anxiety in relationships can be overcome only by facing your fears. You need to confront your problems so that you can relax and conduct a peaceful relationship. If you feel like you are not pretty enough to impress your partner, it is time to look within and know the person you are. We are capable of being loved no matter what we look like. You need to discover that beauty from within so that you can feel it on the outside. You need to seek professional help and this way; you will be guided on how to love yourself again. Remember, this kind of anxiety can really cost your relationship.

Quoted from:
http://www.articlesnatch.com/Article/Overcoming-Anxiety-In-Relationships/484552