Looking for a little reassurance

[kokushozero]

Afternoon all. I am coming down from a panic attack at the moment and have compiled a lengthy (sorry) diary of the events of the day. I have the urge to post it online as a reassurance method. If you have any advise for me I would love to hear it, or any comments at all.

Thanks for reading! ':D'

_______________________________________
Anxiety Journal 26/02/2010

Today is Friday and the last working day of the week. I started
the day being aware that I was calm and thinking quite rationally.
The thought that "what other people think of me doesn't matter"
and "it's up to me to be happy and not let anyone else be in
control of it" was solid in my mind.

The morning started off fairly slowly, however I was comfortable.
Then I went to lunch. I expected to get anxious, and I hate
that I do that. I walked up rundle mall, starting off feeling
okay. I watched the crowd. I saw people laughing whilst sitting
in a cafe. I thought to myself, "wow that would be difficult for
me to lose my inhibitions in the middle of a work day like
that. Why can't I?". I thought about what these people's
characters are like. How would they act in my shoes?. I intended
to go to EBGames to put a pre-order on a particular game. A
trivial task indeed. As I approached the counter I prepared for
the conversation with the staff member to order the goods.
I thought "How would a charismatic person deal with this
situation? If I want to be charismatic and social how should
I go about this interaction".

The conversation went on without any individualism and I felt
that I had failed. How am I supposed to represent myself as
charismatic and confident if I couldn't stir the pot in such
a simple situation. If I can't push small talk with someone
who clearly would have things in common with me how will I do
it with a more foreign encounter. I walked back to work upset.
I was thinking to myself on the way back things like; "Is my
cognitive ability broken? Have I been anxious so long that
I have to live some sort of disabled life? What did I do wrong,
and how can I prevent the same thing occurring again?".

Then I started thinking about how this will affect me in achieving
my goals, like living in Japan and being a DJ. I can't see how
I could become successful in either avenues without these
fundamental conversation skills.

I thought about the people I have already associated with in
the past. I have been able to break the ice with people before.
Has that changed? It would seem that I must time encounters
when I am least anxious for the best results. How do I do that?
How do I ensure that I am always in the optimal position, I
have no way to rapidly turn of my anxiety as such.

I am sick of my anxiety dominating how I feel. I can't trust
myself to take to correct path in each situation because the
anxiety is buried so deep in my psyche that my whole outlook
on the world and my future changes daily.

I'm sad. What am I doing wrong, I'm trying my best in every
aspect I can. I'm so tired. I used to be so arrogant. I thought
I could literally do anything I put my mind to, now I don't know
how I will behave in any future endeavour. It all depends on how
my brain chemistry is at the time and place. That is so weak.
Maybe I was too introspective when I was a teenager, perhaps I've
done this to myself. It's so depressing because if I actually
make an achievement I no longer think "good for me, you nailed it"
but now it's just "you've got through that". I can't even be
sure that I can get through it the next time it happens, I can't
have achievements, only dodge bullets daily. Hilariously last
week I thought I was almost "cured" of anxiety and was positive
about the future, and look at me now. How can I expect to make
significant decisions about my future if this is how rapidly
my world perception can change.

Is this my fault? Am I in some way too lazy? Am I currently
letting myself get too worked up when I shouldn't be? I just
feel that this needs to be addressed NOW. I know I will feel more
rational later this afternoon\tonight but I need to know how to
stop this from ever happening again. It's unacceptable to just
wait till I feel better and only live a portion of my life when
my mood is "convenient". I feel like I'm going crazy. No normal
person would write this sort of journal, feel the way I'm feeling.
If I were to show this to anyone here in the office I can only
imagine what people would think. They'd probably back away slowly
and think that I have been putting up a front to them as long as
I've known them. I really want to cry but I have to hold my
composure. I'm hoping that I'll be able to find clues in this
diary to prevent the same thing happening again. I will read it
when I feel rational and hopefully I will be able to find something
to help myself.

I'm so tired of trying to help myself, to cure myself of this. If
I give up what is the alternative? Death, insanity... those things
are certainly worse. What if I become violent, my personality
might become poisoned.

I so badly want to be able to be proud of myself. I'm sick of
living moment to moment just trying to ride things out until
the anxiety goes away and I can think clearly. How will I even
know that my anxiety is gone? Last week I thought that it had
and now look at how I've dived right back in. Where was the
trigger?

I want to move to Japan, take a challenge. If I'm struggling with
working life in Adelaide doesn't that mean that it will be even
worse in a country like Japan, whose work ethic is stronger than
ours? What the heck can I know that I'm capable of? Just because
I perform a task well in no way means that I won't feel anxiety
doing the same thing at a later time. I was good at socialising
in the past and look at me now.

Am I already crazy. I'm starting to shake now. I'm so tired, I
really want to go to sleep. I want to distract myself but I feel
that I would be procrastinating and avoiding the anxiety.
There's nowhere to hide from this fear, it can strike me no
matter what the circumstances.

[MartinC]

Hi there Kokushozero,

Thank you for taking the time and courage to write in.

However, let me say this,- acknowledging it, and taking action is half the battle, in my opinnion.

In many cases, the anxiety is your reaction to a past situation or experience, (You were not born anxious).

I have found that a starting point is to actively retrain the mind to react to situations differently.

You mentioned that you were letting others affect how you feel. I undersatand that, but with time, and confodence building, you will be able to rise above what others think.

I have found that for me, drinking a lot of water helps as well, as well as taking the natiral approach, and practice.

What do I mean? Well, it is a mindset.

Naturallym it may take a l;ittle longer to apply if you are suffering regular anxiety attacks, but no mtatter what the aituation, I try not to react at foirst, but rather look at what possible good I can find, or make from the situation.

I know it is easier said than done, but I think that by recognising you weant to improve the situation, you are well on your way.

Good for you.

Hoe this helps bolster your Confidence.

MartinC

[Metzy]

Sounds similar to my lunch breaks, I have to sit in a small canteen with my 2 bosses and 4 other staff members, I dread to think what they think of me, I have worked there 6 months and I am still too scared to open my mouth infront of them, my personality has been eaten away by anxiety, I used to be the centre of attention when amongst friends, a funny, whitty bloke with lots to say, now the only people i feel like i am truly myself infront of is my wife, and if that ever changed i would probably commit.
I behave like a drone, i have no distinguished features in my character, i used to be fun to talk to now i can barely think about anything other than anxiety and what they are thinking about me, my vocabulary has been destroyed.

[ThePhoenix]

Hey,

Thanks for taking the time to share that with us, as hard as it is I think your putting way too much thought into things and dont worry we all do it! At the end of the day other peoples thoughts are irrevelent anyway, try not to over analyse things and recognise when you are! If you start to go down that road put it aside for another time.

We are all guilty of doing it, even people who dont suffer from anxiety we can all get ourselves stuck on repeat and analysing things to a ridiculus level so dont feel alone in that regard. :)

[kokushozero]

Thank you everyone that posted. It's comforting to see that people would take the time to read and reply to simply help another soul. You are all diamonds in my book!