whatif
02-19-2010, 09:56 PM
I am so lonely. This anxiety is killing me, it’s killing my marriage, I know it will kill my relationship with my son eventually (he's 6). I know I’m not supposed to question God, but why God did you allow this to happen to me? Why me? Why must I suffer from this dreaded illness? Why can’t I leave it behind me, why can’t I be “normal”? I’m sinking…I try to pull myself up, but I’m sinking. Why would you surround me with people who either don’t understand or simply choose not to help me? I need support and I don’t have it…why? Why can’t I count on myself for that support I long for? Why can’t I beat this thing by myself? Why can’t YOU remove it from me? I want to be an independent woman, I want to read to my child’s classroom on Friday’s without fear of freaking out! I want to go to the grocery store and stay for an hour, 30 minutes, hell, even 15 minutes without feeling as if I’m going to hyperventilate and DIE. I want to provide stability for my husband and son. I want to drive without fear, I want to go places with my son, just he and I, without fear, I want to shop without fear, volunteer without fear, I want to LIVE without fear!
I trust that you are having me go through this so I can be closer to you, so that in some way this illness of mine might have a good outcome for someone, sometime…but who and when and how much longer do my family and I have to suffer?
I am so lonely, I am so lonely…I am so alone and I’m sick of this damn illness. If I could HATE it away, it’d be long gone, if I could CRY it away, it’d have disappeared a million tears ago, I don’t want to give up on life, but it’s getting harder and harder to live like this.
Please, dear God, have mercy on me, please remove this anxiety or give me the ability to ignore it.
I trust that you are having me go through this so I can be closer to you, so that in some way this illness of mine might have a good outcome for someone, sometime…but who and when and how much longer do my family and I have to suffer?
I am so lonely, I am so lonely…I am so alone and I’m sick of this damn illness. If I could HATE it away, it’d be long gone, if I could CRY it away, it’d have disappeared a million tears ago, I don’t want to give up on life, but it’s getting harder and harder to live like this.
Please, dear God, have mercy on me, please remove this anxiety or give me the ability to ignore it.