New here

[Leelee]

Hello i am a 32 year old single mother of 4. I suffer from anxiety, social/ general, low self esteem and depression.

I joined this forum because i'm lost.
I'm feeling like a mouse on a wheel and intermittently overwhelmed by my life's challenges.

I'm really not sure what to do because i have seen so many counsellors over the years most dissapointing, unhelpful or plain scary (-seriously).

As a result of those experiences i have come to the conclusion that no 'professional' can help me and so i go through cycles of anger/numbness, depression, despair and a sort of fragile easily shattered optimism.

I sometimes utilize the anger deep inside me to spur me on when i am very low but eventually it fizzles out and i am in despair again. Sometimes i think i am strong when i'm going through what i like to call a 'numbing faze' like that but in truth it's me internally giving up and shutting down, or trying to anyway.

I have all these feelings that i really don't know what to do with.
If i try talk about them the people close to me get upset most of the time, so i try to keep it in. Old habits die hard i guess :(

I hope to find solace here in understanding other people with similar problems and that maybe someone here will get what i am saying and we can help each other through the darker days.

And possibly someone out there has been where i am and can offer me hope through their experiences.

I'm a good listener too so maybe i can be of help to someone else as well.

Anyway, hi.. :)

[dodge2toughgirl]

I have went to several counslers in the past. The never helped me. I felt they were listening but I always answered my own questions. Waste of money. I feel finding a good friend that understands what u are goin thro is better than any counsler. But for me know one understands fully what I am going thro. Then friends and relatives get tired of hearing about it. Take medicine u will get better do this do that. Even down to breathe in a bag and it is upseting that ppl do not know what u r goin thro. Sum of my friends have anxiety but none as bad as mine. So if u need to talk I am here to the end. We can work thro this 2gether. U will get thro tis u just have to have faith and keep goin no matter how bad u feel. I have low self esteem to a point. But I am married and obviously he likes me or he would be gone. Ttyl

[Leelee]

It's messed up hey? Your family is supossed to be there for you.

I agree about the counsellors. To me there are just a stranger who doesn't care about you who probably never had anxiety so they don't truely understand what this is like, how you can get stuck in a loop and how life can be nightmareish. They just refer to their books. And go home to their normal happy lives.

I had a very hard time when i lost my baby son to sids in 2000. The pastor who was present at his funeral was also a counsellor/phsyc and offered me free sessions.
He was very strange.
He said some things that disturbed me greatly regarding his daughters and appeared to be comming on to me.

Now i was sexually abused for years as a child and i can't tell you how much that F*8ked me up hearing that. It's like i want to feel safe but every where i turn there are smiling faces that warp into mosters.

All i've ever really needed was to have someone genuinely care about me and thats been lacking most of my life particulary where family is concerned on all sides. There is not even one person in my family that i could turn to.

I have a gorgeous boyfriend now and he's my world. He does his best but he suffers from this to a degree also and can get bogged down if the people around him are low. So for this reason when i'm not feeling great i do my best to deal with it on my own.

It's nice to love someone so completely though and be loved back. He's my best friend.

I am pretty insecure which can be annoying to him. I feel awful when this happens i try my best to talk myself out of this stupid mindset. It's so hard though. I wonder if anyone really understands just how bloody hard it is to change your mind.

I also have the most beautiful great big Mastiff x boy (dog) and he's been a god send. We just found out that he has an aggressive form of cancer. We can't afford the expensive surgery at the moment and every day it grows and bleeds.
I am worried about losing my boy.. so thats another thing :(

Ok i've had my winge for the day.

How's you?

[dodge2toughgirl]

Well I was gonna start taking my meds and I caught a cold or sumthin. But I find when I stressed I get sick easier. Then when I do get sick my anxiety can play a roll in how I feel too. Lovely. I was abused as a child also and this prob plays affect on how I am today. I never had my mom or dad play a big part in my life. Although I always wanted and needed it. Then after my mom commited suicide I feel apart. I always wanted that bond between mother and daughter. But her depression got in the way. I understand 2day y she was the way she was. But her not gettn help due to she was scared of addiction to medicine. I found I am alot like her on that sense. But I want to change for my kids. So if a few sides effects is what I have to bare than so be it. I'm tired of fightin this crap everyday. I just have to try to get on the lexapro once again and fight. Because at one point it did help me. Just I don't like feelin spaced out and low. But I guess I feel that way now. I am not myself at all at the moment. I like to joke and have a good time and atleast enjoy some fresh air. But I stay cooped up like a damn hermit. Wow sounds fun!!!

[bobby25]

Hi all,

I'm new to all this web forum stuff and in itself is causing me anxiety that I might be 'found out' or not be taken seriously. I'm here as I need someone to understand how I live my life and that I'm not completely mad. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16 and have been on and off anti-depressants for 14 years now. They have always helped, and in the main my doctors have worked with me to monitor the dose as needed, but over the last 3 years I've had horrendous anxiety that is only getting worse and I can't get any doctor to take me seriously. It's always attributed to my job, which is stressful I admit, but that has always been circumstancial and I feel that I don't get taken seriously by my doctor's because of this. I spend everyday doing 'CBT' but I'm tired of thinking all the time, and the CBT makes you think constantly and I can't sleep. I'm now seriously thinking that it's always been anxiety that's cause the depression. This week, due to constant heightened anxiety (for no reason) I've had very little sleep and have honestly felt like I was on the verge of a psychotic episode. I feel like I'm existing and that is all, I feel guilty for everything, even if it's nothing to do with me, I feel like I'm the problem with everything that ever goes wrong, I permanently feel like I should be punishing myself and I can't go on like this. I hope that hearing other peoples stories I can feel less alone as I keep everything to myself to avoid my friends and family knowing about it as much as possible and I also hope that I might be able to listen to others who feel bad too

bobby25 xxx

[bobby25]

To: Dodge2 Tough Girl

You sound like a very strong person and I admire you with what you've been through in your life and have come through. I've always been a bit worried about taking meds but the side-effects generally for meds these days are mild and shouldn't interfere too much with daily life, there are new meds for anxiety that have few side-effects and are worth a try for a better quality of life. I would try and talk to your doctor about how you are feeling and guage what response you get.

This probably isn't much help to you, but I've been taking meds for years now and although (don't get me wrong) right now they're probably needing reviewed, the side-effects are outweighed by the positives of them. I've always been a big believer in checking out meds on the internet and finding out as much as I can myself about emotional and mental health to make sure the doctor doesn't try and tell me what to do, and I stay in control (to some extent considering I'm on here for help too!!)

Stay strong xx

[dodge2toughgirl]

Thanks for that. My problem is I research the drug to much and my anxiety feeds on it. So when I start the meds I think I am going to get the side effects and well I do. Ur mind is very powerful even tho u don't think ur scared of the side effects in ur mind somewhere u r. Then come the side effects. Lexapro did work for me. I don't know if my chemicals have changed or I am fenning for this drug. They are just as addictive in my eyes as benzos. Everyone says there not but the withdraws aren't fake. I am strong but enough anxiety is enough!!!!