A Citalopram Diary

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Ive finally taken the plunge, and a year after my first panic attack, and six months after being prescribed them have decided to give the citalopram a go.

So going forward, for a couple of weeks, i am just going to record how I go with them, partly for myself, to be able to look back and see how they have affected me, if they have affected me, but also so that other people can read my experience. One of the biggest reasons I have not taken them up to now was fear, fear of the side effects, fear of various things, I had never thought about suicide, but seeing suicide on the side effects scared the hell out of me. There has also been some determination to do it myself, without drugs, I thought i could beat it, I coudlnt.

A brief background. I had a stress induced panic attack in february 2009, at first we thought it was a stomach infection, and i carried on working etc with regular dizzy fits and not knowing what was going on. Eventually it was diagnosed as anxiety/stress, and i was signed off for two weeks, being told that i just needed to relax. This carried on for about three months, being signed off, relief for a week as i was able to relax, and then three of four days of panic prior to my doctors appointment worrying that they would make me go back to work. This went on for months, with no real progress being made, just a neverending circle. By early summer i was put on a stress managment course, which frankly did nothing, we where given a booklet which the person taking the course just read out to us, concentrtion is a problem for me and this was just hell, but if nothing else it got me out which was an achievement.

Things improved slightly, and by late september i was able to go to the shops occasionally, enjoy the odd night out, but the number of times we left the house and had to turn back where more than i can remember. Relaxation helped, various cd's i had to listen to, and thankfully since sepetember i havnt passed out from a panic attack, but still having to deal with constant anxiety. I also got a gum shield for sleeping, i had been grinding my teeth for several years without knowing why. the night time gum sheild worked wonders, no more waking up with a sore jaw.

In november i as a result of things on this forum, and various other things i had read on the internet went down the vitamin b, d, cod liver oil, amino acid route. That has helped, the vitamin B certainly has been a great help, i notice when ive not taken it, but as the one year anniversary of my condition approached i made the decision that now i was ready to take the citalopram and made the decision in january, that i would start the tablets in february when my partner was on half term holiday..
The last week has been hell, my sleeping patters have been all over the place, spending hours trying to get to sleep at night, waking up in the night, waking up with anxiety. Gradually getting worse towards the first day of the tablets..

So... Day One..
Pretty tough day as i had to visit the doctors in the morning twice, after not a lot of sleep, and by 11am when i returned i was already worn out. I had what was now my second breakfast prior to taking the tablets as eating with them was recommended, and finally got the courage up and took the first one.
Im not going to pretend it wasnt a tough afternoon. By 1pm i felt sick as a pig, and frankly weird. I also found myself feeling really really sad. Sad to the point where i just wanted to give up, go to sleep, cry, and never wake up. Was the strangest feeling. Succesfully had two arguments with the wife, both of which ended in tears, but somehow we pulled through it.
By about 2pm, i just felt strange. Completely overcome by a weird melancholy that I was aware of but coudlnt do anything about. I tried putting things on the tv that might make me laugh, but even fawtly towers didnt raise a smile.
Over lunchtime, from about 1pm till 3pm, 2 to 5 hours after taking the tablets my anxiety hit an all time high, which coupled with the sadness scared the hell out of me. I was hiding glasses, knives anything that looked dangerous as i was scared i was going to go mental and grab it and do something stupid. Was seriously scary, but, by about 6pm the anxiety died down a bit and i started feeling, well, just weird.
WE took a walk to the shop at about 6 just to grab a few groceries, and again, for a rare time i didnt feel any anxiety, just a weird blurry sadness. Very very strange.. AS for other side effects, ive been clammy all day, sweating constantly, and a mouth as dry as a desert.
Went to bed about 1am, and for the first time in a long time i fell asleep within about half an hour, at least i remember seeing 1.30am on the clock , but i dont remember seeing 2am.

How much is caused by the tablets i dont know. The sadness could be the tablets, it could be the arguments or the stress of the morning, it could be dissapointment with myself for feeling a bit of a failure for having to rely on the citalopram when i was determined to do it myself.

But thats day one out of the way, it wasnt so bad, sadness, anxiety peek about 2 hours after taking them, clamminess, dry mouth, and just weird feeling.. But, it wasnt so bad as I feared.

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Day 2

Slept better last night than in a long time. I think maybe i had jsut been getting myself so worked up about taking them that it had been effecting me. I hadnt been thinking about started, but subconsciously maybe i was. But slept great till about 11am.

Woke up and had breakfast, and took my second tablet along with my usual vitamins. The big difference today was that i had no fear in taking it and didnt struggle to swallow it..

1pm. bang on que, 2 hours after taking it, and i felt weird. Anxiety appearing, and weird sadness back again, but, not so much as yesterday.
Decided to tackle the sadness head on and mess about a bit, played kerplunk (remember that) and just had a general mess about , but it didnt really cheer me up. The wife was taking a shower and not wanting to be alone i decided to join her, we just had a cuddle and a tickle, and for the first time in a while i found myself having a giggling fit. felt really good to giggle.. Ive laughed plenty over the last year, but not giggled and just been really silly. (as a side note, despite sharing a shower with my wife, the tablets have completely killed any sex drive, ten naked virgins wouldnt wake me right now)

4pm as i write this, and i just feel wishy washy, but not anxious, it cant be the tablets working yet, they take two weeks or more, but strangely i feel less anxious. Again, i think i must just have been so worried about the tablets that i am more relaxed.

My mood is going up and down though, one minute im sad, then just restful, then agitated, then sad, then just dazed. One thing is for sure though, my head is clearer and i am able to type this post without my concentration wandering or getting de-realisation.

I dont think its the tablets, it cant be after just two doses, i think im just releived to have finally taken then step and my body is pleased about that.

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Day 2 Continued

4pm Had lunch, bad move, felt sick as a pig afterwards.. Maybe scrambled eggs where not such a good idea. Dont feel so clammy today. Anxiety is coming and going, but not lasting long, drifting between mildly anxious, feeling spacey, and tension. Very up and down though, shakey hands occasionally, and constant burping.. The whole evening has been up and down, moments of anxiety, moments of giggling. Very very strange. at times im feeling sadder than ive felt in months, but at times feeling happier. very up and down and odd.
Not sure how much of it is placebo as far as anxiety dropping at times goes, might be me just blaming the tablet now for anxiety instead of my self.

Definately easier than the first day though, and nowhere near as bad as i thought it would be. Glad someone is here with me, no way on earth I could have been here alone, but not nearly so bad as I had imagined for all these months.

One thing i have discoverd is nicotine and citalopram are a seriously bad mix. I gave up caffiene a year ago, alcohol on the whole in the last 12 months i have had rarely, but i have carried on smoking albeit at a lower level. Twice earlier in the day i had a cigarette, both times it didnt make me feel to great (i smoke roll your owns), the last one at 10pm i had about 4 puffs.. Span me out like crazy, palms sweaty, palpitations, major anxiety. Guess i have no choice but to stop now.

2 days down.. :D

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Day 3

Got to sleep ok again last night, thats two days in a row now. How much of this is the citalopram, and how much its me, and maybe just relief and calm that ive taken the step i dont know.

Lying in bed last night i felt my heart beating, you know that beating that feels like its going through your hold body, when you lay your head on the pillow you feel like its beating in your ear. The kind of beating that usually leads to panic, will make me worry, that makes my heart beat faster and louder and before you know if its 5am and you are having another sleepless night with worry.

That didnt happen last night, i actually lay there almost enjoying the sound of my heart beat.. and thinking about what i would say today about it, I was even aware of the fact that i wasnt worrying about it. And that didnt even worry me..

What is the tablets, and what is just me i dont know. They cant be working yet, it must just be me, having finally got to the point where i was willing to accept medical help, and not just rely on myself i think has just relaxed me. The biggest anxiety has been will i ever be free of anxiety, am i always going to be like this, and I think taking this step, my brain has just though "well there you go, youve started, it wasnt that bad" and as a result ive relaxed a bit..

Took them this morning at 11.30 so that two hour bit is approaching where the last two days of gone downhill, so gonna grab a shower, take lunch, watch some fun tv now, and hopefully the bad bit wont arrive today.

regular as clockword, two hours after taking the tablet, and the weird sadness is back. Started feeling a little lump in my throat and immediately worried that the side effect "problems breathing, airway getting blocked" was upon me. Again really glad i chose to take the tablets while the wife was on holiday. Helps to have someone telling me its just the dry throat thats making me think that, and its going to go away. Its getting easier to understand whats going on. I felt sad but i was able to tell myself "its the tablets, they have done this for the last three days, it will go away". Eyes felt like they where burning breifly, but again i was able to tell myself it was just the tablets.

Dry mouth, less clammy than usual, and the lump in my throast subsided by about 5pm.

Again though, tobacco and citalopram really DO NOT MIX. Only two attempted cigarettes today. Both left me anxious and spinning. If i can keep down to 3 ciggies today, then maybe less tommoro.

Taking citalopram and giving up smoking in the same week really would be an achievement.

Its getting easier, going to try and go shopping later. Day four beckons.

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Day Four..

Not so good a night, but my own fault. WEnt to bed a little later than i should have done, 1am, bout about 5 hours after dinner so i went to bed a little hungry, and i can never sleep when im hungry. Got up at 2, grabbed some food, and went back to bed and fell asleep pretty quickly. Im certainly sleeping better..

Today, the side effects seem to have dropped off a bit. still getting the sadness a couple of hours after taking the tablets, and still a bit sweaty but not nearly so much. I think im through the worst of it. Im just knackered all the time.

One thing i have noticed is my appetite has taken a bashing. I generally have four rounds of bread at lunch, today ive struggled to eat three, dinner is usually two chicken breasts, or two pies, with potatoes, salad etc, last night i struggled to eat two, and one probably would have been better. Im not fat or anything, 11 stone, skinny if anything, just always eaten a lot (hyperactive metabolism) but my appetite has really dropped..

However, that generally feeling of unease is starting to return, mild anxiety that has been missing for three days is back, the odd ache is starting to appear..

im guessing that its going to work something like this..

Day 1-3 Side Effects
Day 4-10 Normality (or back to anxiious etc)
Day 10-60 The meds start kicking in, so now its just a matter of waiting.

Only 1 cigarette so far today, and that one ive had in dribs and drabs through the day.. If i can get away with two cigarettes today, then tommorow maybe only one. :D

I did manage to burn lunch again today for the first time in three days.. good to see the memory is back to its usual useless self..

If you are reading this, and as i did, worrying about the various side effects etc, dont, they are not that bad, at least they havent been for me. Certainly nothing compared with a panic attack, or full on anxiety attack.

[1970]

it sounds like the medication is starting to kick in for you and the side effects are getting a bit less each day

stick with it and i hope it keeps improving for you

not smoking is probably a good thing as well, thats coming from a smoker too

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Day Five - Yeeeurgh...

Good nights sleep again, tablet about 11am, and 1pm boy did i get hit summat bad. Out of the blue from completely nowhere panic just appeared, numb fingers, head starting going numb, and hot as hell, and off i started drifting..

Thankfully the wife was here, and came straight over, comforted me and i didnt pass out, took about half an hour just to get straight.. Interesting thing is, i stayed calm, concentrated on my breathing, and still my head went numb, I didnt hyperventilate, but still started passing out.. grrrr...

3pm now, and still feeling a bit odd, and tense, but mainly just worn out from that attack..

That was right up there with one of the worst ones ive had, and ive not felt like that in probably two months..

Im bored with the sideeffects now.. On the posituve side, ive not had the same sadness ive had for the first few days, i feel down, but not the same "i just want to sit here and cry" kind of sadness...

edit: 7 hours after the tablet and im calm again now, i was probably rough for about an hour, in that 2-3 hour after taking the tablet period again.. gradually calming as the day goes on.. That overrulling sadness has definately dropped off, not had any scary, hide the knives and glasses feelings today, just really bad anxiety hit early afternoon..

Wife is going out tommoro, but got a freind coming over to keep me company for the day, and shes only a phone call away.

Five down....

Made it till 7pm without a cigarette today, and then just had a couple of puffs.. not enough to spin me out but enough to satisfy the craving..

Seriously, if you are smoker and considering medication, GIVE UP FIRST, because theres no way you can smoke through the first few days of the meds.. not a chance..

Rest of the evenings been good.. seems a definate method to these tablets..

take them in the morning, 1 or 2 hours later you feel like absolute crap, and then the next three hours you seem to just spend resting worn out from feeling crap, then by about 6 hours later Im feeling pretty good, no real tension, no real anxiety. if i can feel like i am for those last couple of hours of the evening, all day long then I will be pretty happy.. In fact, take away the side effects, and the three hours recovering from the side effects, the rest of the day is pretty damn good..

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Day six

And touch wood, i think im through the worst.. Wife was out today so a freind came over to keep me company, and for the first day i didnt get full on side effects after two hours, and although ive been a bit anxious, the sweating and sadness seems to have gone..

Interestingly the first real bit of tension ive had today is typing this and talking about it. A real tightening of the chest as I type, which is just typical..

But it looks like after six days the worst of the side effects have gone..

Big test now is monday, home alone for the first time since taking them, as the wifes back to work.. And an early morning tuesday seeing the doctor.. But we shall see.. Positive thinking..

Now hopefully its just a matter of waiting for them to work..

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Day Seven

Hmm... write this one off... Dont remember much of it..
Slept for about 12 hours last night, woke up tired, took tablet, stayed tired, no side effects, except feeling completely worn out and tired and slightly vague.. actually slightly vague is an understatement, i was off with the faeries most of the day..

One of those days where people talk to you and you have no idea whatsoever what they are saying...

Yawn.....

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Day Eight..

And it seems the worst is over.

Wife went back to work today, so the first day taking the tablets and home alone. Slept really badly last night, but that was partly as its the wife first day back after half term so she always stresses a bit. was about 2am before we both got to sleep, and i woke up again at 6 when she went to work, before falling asleep and waking up about 12.

10 hours sleep, far too long, and woke up tired.

Took the med about 1, and apart from a few wobbles, probably due to worry about taking it while being alone at home, no real side effects.

Not really sure how i feel, i dont feel overly anxious, but i dont feel any different, Im in a sort of weird phase where i dont feel overly anxious, dont feel overly bad, but avoiding doing to much just in case.

A weird void..

Doctors tommorow which will be a big test, didnt really leave the house much last week due to sheer exhaustion, tommorow is the day. doctor at 8.30am and then see how the day goes. Is normality just around the corner?

On the hunger front, my appetite is really dropping, struggled with dinner last night, today im just not hungry, but going to eat in a minute. In the other hand, ive only had two puffs on a cigarette today. the desire to smoke is just non existant, really really weird, after 20 years smoking, i just dont feel like i need to smoke at the moment, must be the citalopram...

Maybe its a sign that im less anxious??? That i dont need to reach for that calming cigarette all the time????

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Days 8, 9 & 10

Not been too much to write in the last three days.. The doctors visit went ok, and on the whole in the last three days the sideeffects have been minimal..

Slight sick feeling sometimes after taking them but nothing major, so im definately over the worse.. now its just a matter of waiting and seeing if they work.

I am more relaxed, but there is still mild anxiety there, but i do feel a bit more in control. Which led me to a big step....

For the last year my anxiety has been kept pretty quiet, only the closest of family on the wifes side know, and a couple of freinds, even my own family dont know, we had kept it secret from everyone. So on tuesday i took the took the decicision that it was time to be open, and via facebook wrote up everything that had happened in the last year, and tagged it to everyone who matters.. everyone who we had let down by cancelling appointments etc, everyone who i should have told.

The response from my freinds has been overwhelming, not least the discovery that more than 10 of my freinds suffer from anxiety or depression themselves, and many of them where revealing it publicly on my note for the first time.

No more hiding, no more secrets, its out in the open.

That was a big step, and i can only think i must be improving or i simply wouldnt have had the courage to do it.

[rodey]

well i take my hat off to you ,

you seem to be getting threw it ,
it is an awfull way to be but there must be an end to it ,
iv been very up and down but when i read your post it really makes me think,

theres a hole lot of us in it so we will get there,
take care mate.

[forwells]

Hi dimspace :D

Interesting thread

I don't so much wish to comment on your drugs as i never used them for my anxiety but i can understand why people do .

What i would like to comment on and commend you for is the fact that you came out with the fact you have anxiety . I believe there is a few problems with anxiety , first is it is regarded and placed in the mental illness basket when it really is not a true mental illness and infact a connection between the body and brain that effects the mind with some of its symptoms , Second is the fact that even though one in 4 people will get anxiety it is so hidden in public . By you going out and saying you have anxiety on face book you have giving people hope and shown that this is not something that we should be ashamed of . You have shown people that they are as normal as the rest of us and that they are just going though a hard time . It just takes away those question that we ask ourselves when in high anxiety , I am strange , This cant be normal , people cant be suffering like i am etc . This and this alone is why i believe that people end up taking their own life because they lose that hope and feel that they will never get past it but by you showing them that someone they thought was as normal as can be has a problem with anxiety it give them hope that they are just like many others around them even though it is hidden

I wish you well in your journey and don't forget you will get better and infact come out the other side better than you went in

cheers and good luck kev :D

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Thank you for that...

The main reason I started the thread, is when i was first prescribed citalopram there was a real lack of constructive information on the net, theres a lot of "oh i felt awful", "oh the side effects where terrible", "it worked for me" etc but nothing that really detailed the experience. I had no idea when i set off on writing it if the outcome would be good or absolute hell, and to an extent I still dont know, but it gives people the opportunity to read first hand how it was for me.

As for the facebook thing, this was for me all part of a process. When i first was diagnosed i thought it would just go away and really i did nothing active to fix it. When it was clear it wouldnt just go away I tried the therapy route etc none of which worked. I was prescribed drugs i really didnt want. So it then came down to, how much could I do and then what help could the drugs give me.

For me keeing it to myself, and seeing what i could do with vitamins, cutting out stimulants, relaxation and exercise was the way to go but always with the plan that once i got to a certain point then the next step would follow. Medication is part of that next step, but admitting to freinds and family the problem, and telling people was always a big part. BUt i never could have done that at the height of my anxiety. And my plan was always, if i got through the side effects and came out the other side, then that was the time to tell people (i didnt want people knowing beforehand as i didnt want any advice on medication, or people trying to influence me)

NOw ive done the hard bit, im through the side effects and now just need to wait and see if it works. Im still going with vitamins, minerals and relaxation, and have a meeting with the job people in three weeks to see about voluntary work, maybe just one day a week to start with. I dont know if i will get better, but now its out in the open i have the support of freinds if i need it.

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In the intrests of openness.. my facebook post.. ;)

Well what a shitty old year.. Some of you may know why, some of you wont, some of you might be wondering what this note is all about..

Well, if youve been tagged in it theres a reason. Maybe over the last twelve months Ive let you down in some way, not turned up for a gig, not showed up for a night out, made an excuse as to why I couldnt be somewhere. Maybe we worked together. Maybe youve been there to support me and this is a thank you. Maybe you are someone I really should have talked to and explained what was going on but didnt, maybe your someone who going forward may be able to help, offering me a bit of voluntary work, or know of a group, or something that I can get involved with to put myself back into normal life again. or maybe your just someone who I know cares about me. You will all know which category you fit into.

Some of you may remember about 18 months ago at Beautiful Days I was suddenly whisked off in an ambulance. Id got cold, dizzy, and had passed out unconscious. The medical staff put it down to hypothermia and a few hours later I was on my merry way. What I didnt know at the time was that this was my first panic attack. Last february at work I suddenly got dizzy for no reason, started gasping for air, started feeling my body going numb, I collapsed, unable to breath, slowly feeling myself going unconscious, again, an ambulance was called. I was taken to hospital, tests run, heart checked, and I was given a clean bill of health and it was put down to some kind of stomach infection. I carried on working for three weeks, suffering constant dizzy fits, moments of weakness, panic, coming close to passing out on multiple occasions, and eventually after pressure from Jay went to see the doctor. The doctor said it was stress and signed me off for two weeks, and so became an endless cycle, being signed off, resting for a week, then spending a week worrying about seeing the doctor, then being signed off again, and so it went on, until finally in about april I was diagnosed with anxiety.

The last twelve months are difficult to explain, if youve never suffered anxiety its almost impossible to convey what its like. Waking up in the morning terrified for no reason, waking with your stomach tied up in knots, your hands shaking, your head tense, jaw aching and you dont know why. Suddenly in the middle of a supermarket panicking and feeling you need to leave, lighting making you feel dizzy and faint like you are about to pass out. Sitting in a pub listening to music and suddenly feeling dizzy, hot and have a desperate need to get away, run from the pub because if you dont you will pass out. And the more you think about getting away, or escaping the worse it gets. Planning to go out, and spending the day panicking about it so much, what if I have a panic attack, what if someone notices im not well. But all the time knowing that these feelings are completely irrational, but not being able to do anything about them.A constant dry mouth, needed a drink with you every minute of the day, and if you dont have one, you panic.

Lying awake at night unable to sleep because you are terrified that if you go to sleep you wont wake up. Your heart racing at 140bpm for no reason, and everytime it happens thinking you are about to have a heart attack. Being convinced that there is something the doctors have missed and that there is something seriously wrong with you. In april they thought I was diabetic, I had tests for sugar levels, and two days later had a phone call saying my sugar levels where not good and they needed to do another test, but they could not see me for a week. What a week that was, being told I might be diabetic but I wouldnt know for a week. Everytime I ate something sugary and felt a bit dizzy I was panicking, did I have to much sugar, everytime I felt week I was grabbing for a mars bar.

It controls your life, everything you do revolves around it. Simple tasks like hoovering or shopping become complicated. Do I need to eat first in case I get weak, all the time thinking what if, what if, what if...

You wake up in the morning scared. You make breakfast and a tiny bit of cereal gets stuck in your throat, you panic fearing you will choke, the same when you drink, if you run and get breathless you fear you are dying, every headache is a brain tumour, every pain is an illness, and all the time you know its irrational but you can do nothing about it.

What caused it.. Who knows, we have some ideas, but they are not things that need to be talked about. There are certainly things from childhood that caused it, but many of us have fucked up childhoods, im not the only one. One things for sure, my determination to always do to much, to try to hard, has contributed, and my determination to always appear strong, to never show weakness, to hide emotion leads to it all boiling up inside and eventually you just cant hold it in any more. I remember as a kid, the biggest kid in my class starting on me, I dont even remember why, he started to hit me and I just stood up to him and took it, told him he couldnt hurt me. So he carried on, but I never budged, and from that day I was known at school as the kid who wouldnt cry. What happens then, every bully in the school wants to try and be the one to break you. None of them ever did, but maybe, just once, breaking down and showing that I could be hurt would have done a lot more good than harm in the long run.

Things did improve towards the end of the year, a combination of relaxation, vitamins, minerals and various other things brought the anxiety down to more manageable levels. Levels where we managed to go away for christmas, managed to go out for two hours on new years eve and spend time with people who we cared about. Managed to get out a bit more, and feel if not normal, like there was an improvement. There are even days when I am not worrying about everything.Last week after months of putting it off and putting it off I finally gave the medication a go. Its only mild but it could be the difference. The side effects where shit, im not going to deny it. Jay spent every minute with me and when she couldnt be there steve came around and sat with me for the day to make sure I was ok. But now the side effects are gone, and things are starting to seem a little clearer.

So why am I telling people this, and why now?

Now, because I think finally, I might be through the worst, and life may, hopefully, soon return to normal, although to be honest, I dont really remember what normal is. A mix of vitamins and minerals helped me, cutting out caffiene, alcohol, and cutting down on nicotine helped until I reached last week the point where I could cope with trying low dose medication. The side effects frankly where shit, but they have passed, the hard bit is done and now its just a matter of waiting a few weeks to see if they actually work.

But also because one of the biggest problems about mental health issues is embarrasment, fear of what people will say, or think of you for being less than 100% mentally fit. We all want to appear strong, me more than ever, those that know me well know that I do not show weakness, I dont want people knowing my anxieties, that means letting people in. But why be embarassed, why be ashamed. We cant help who gets struck with illnesses.

They estimate that something like 1 in 5 people in Britain will suffer mental health issues during their lifetimes. So sorry guys, but if ive tagged 10 people in this note, then statistically 2 of you are gonna go mad just like me :D

One of the reasons I probably ended up in this mess was not dealing with things, not dealing with stresses and not dealing with emotions, so now, as I start to feel as if there is light at the end of the tunnel its time to start being open, honest and start dealing with things.

So there you go, Dan, Rory, Dave G, thats why we didnt make your gigs, or left early, or didnt seem ourselves, Emily, theres why we didnt make your gig on my birthday, Ed, theres why countless times ive let you down by not being somewhere, Malcolm/Ellie, theres why we never seem to make your fire parties, Sammy, damn didnt I do a good job of hiding it when you and the kids came down for the day. Simon B, Sparky, I probably should have talked to you guys, I know you would have been there to support me. Lil, thank you for you and oss's support and keeping things to yourself for me, Steve, Danu, Simon and countless others who did know, thank you for your support, James, sorry work was such a fuck up in my absence, Nat/Andy, sorry I didnt make your wedding, I would have loved to have been there. And Jay, none of you will ever know just what shes had to go through over the last year, living with someone who simply wasnt the man she met. She is an absolute fucking legend, dealing with not only her own stresses at school, but mine as well. Her patience has been tested beyond belief on multiple occasions. She is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life, and if and when im through this, I owe her everything.

Im not better yet, far from it, but im a lot better than I was, im getting there, and after the worst year of our lives, both myself and Jay are now optimistic that things are about to get much much better again. And being open and honest with you guys, for me, is another step towards being myself again.

Theres no real need for anyone to reply to this note. Im not after sympathy, those who know me well know thats the last thing I would want. Save the sympathy for people who really need it, who have suffered loss, or life changing illness, not me. But I am sick of having secrets, im sick of hiding it, sick of being ashamed of it.

Time to move on.

Dave xx

[rodey]

one word,
BRILLIANT.

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Day 12

Nothing to report.. Nearly two weeks of medication gone through.. Side effects are certainly over, i can take a tablet in the morning and not worry about it all day. Amazing looking in the packet and thinking that its almost half gone will need another prescription soon. I cannot believe how quickly the last 12 days have passed. It seems like yesterday that i was panicking and feeling depressed beyong beleif after that first tablet.

Time has flown by.

And anxiety is definately dropping.

Im a bit rough that first hour when i wake up, until ive had my vitamins and had breakfast, woken up a bit, but then, its a lot easier.

Im still anxious when there is something to be anxious about, or for instance when i get hungry, or thirsty etc, but that constant nagging anxiety seems to have gone. And my concentration is definately improving. watched an episode of 24 last night with no problems (and that normally makes me tense no matter how much I love it)..

I think they are starting to kick in.

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Day 16

My head has been clear as a bell all day.. might just be a good day, we all have them, then again, maybe its not...

Lets see what tommorow brings..

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Day 17 (I think)

Proof today that the citalopram are doing something.

Rough nights sleep last night, wife was away and didnt get to sleep till 5-6am.. that wasnt the citalopram.. just me..

BUt meant i didnt wake up till about 3pm and took my tablets then.

3pm till about 7pm was absolute hell, anxiety through the roof. Shows maybe they are doing something, as the anxiety may well have been because there was no medication in my system.

The lesson there, even if i wake up at 10am and go back to sleep, take the tablets then, then go back to sleep.. Taking them 5 hours late really is not good. :/

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well, are they doing anything..

the last three nights, and ive got to sleep on average at 4-5am.. I was warned by someone who had taken citalopram that about two weeks in they had a week of insomnia, and its arrived.. Four nights with pretty damn poor sleep, and as a result not waking up till lunchtime..

And theres me thinking the side effects where done..

On the whole though anxiety is down, the anxiety i AM getting is from being tired all the time through lack of sleep and through being about 4 hours behind every day.

Hopefully it will pass.

Nearly three weeks in, new prescription ordered today. sticking on 10mg for now.

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Well nearly at the end of the first four weeks.. First week was hell, next ten days was great..

Last seven days? My sleep patterns have gone to hell. Its taking me two to three hours to get to sleep at night, last two nights ive taken two nytol and even that isnt doing anything, lying awake for two or more hours, not anxious, just completely unable to sleep.

Last night i was still awake at about three, but to make matters worse Im waking up at 8.30 in the morning, the result, completely worn out, and this morning felt like i had the worst hangover in the world.

The knock on, well the tiredness and just being worn out is having a knock on and my anxiety is back, now i cant tell how bad it is. If i sit down and analyse it, its not worse than it was before i started taking the tablets, which makes me think that i had actually seen an improvement. the fact that now i feel like hell, but no worse than i did before tells me that the previous two weeks had actually been pretty damn good..

I just want this insomnia to pass now, i want my ruddy life back.

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An update: 5 Weeks in.

Five weeks in, and it seems like the bulk of my anxiety has gone, for me citalopram really seemed to have worked. Things arent normal, but they are better. Yesterday i went shopping in tesco with no problems. Not proper relaxed shopping, I still have to take things slow, and easy, not rush, take my time and be calm, but there was no anxiety.

I wish id taken these six months ago.

The downside, well i still have insomnia, two weeks on. Regularly not getting to sleep till 4-5am, one night i was still awake at 9.30am. The result is im constantly knackered which doesnt really do much for me. Before anxiety was slowing me down, now constant exhaustion is.

Interesting thing is, this harks back to my pre anxiety days. I regularly didnt get to sleep till 4am, and i used to be back up at 7am for work. I probably used to survive on between 3-5 hours of sleep most nights, i was used to it. Probably a contributor to the mess ive been in for the last twelve months.

Wish i knew how to get a good nights sleep.

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Five and a Half weeks...

Still not getting to sleep till 4-5am but shall we have some

GOOD NEWS....

Did an hours work today.. after one year of not being able to work. Wrote some letters to the local charity shops on monday looking to do some volunteering. I was a retail manager for 15 years, so retail is what I know (i dabble in web design and photography but retail is my trade)

went in for a chat with the PDSA yesterday, and today I did an hours work. Only sorting through some old clothes and putting them on hangards but its a step in the right direction. The great thing about the place is I can do anything from the most menial tast (sweeping, tea making) and as i improve i can do more and more. Technically, i could run the place but mentally cloth folding is my limit. BUt at least the is the opportinity there to gradually progress as my health allows it. Maybe in a few weeks put some stock in the shop, in a few months serve a few customers. The woman who runs it is great as well. She has 20+ volunteers and almost all are either long term sick, long term unemployed, or people who have had mental health problems. Shes like a manager and social worker all rolled into one.

Im worn out mentally and physically, the amount of organisation it took me today to prepare for just one hours work was immense. But its a start.

Wish id taken the ruddy tablets six months ago.

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Well, what a really good read that was! I don't think my anxiety is as debilitating as yours and I'm managing to hold my job down, although it's a struggle day to day. Some days I feel reasonably confident and have a tinge of a happy feeling and my work goes well. Most days though I am anxious and worrying about when I am going to mess up, although I never actually do! I just go round in this abstract world of 'what if?' and then when some pressure is applied I start to panic.

Anyway, you don't want to hear about me. What I'm interested in, in your recovery, is your decision to take the meds, especially after following Hanino's advice to try the supplements. I too tried the supplement route and I'm still taking vitamin B's, magnesium etc but any progress I feel I might have made seems to have stalled somewhat. I'm also trying the CBT self-help route and even trying to adopt the Buddhist method of mind control, which has helped me. I'm just wondering though whether or not to go back on escitalopram to help me to recover more.

I can't make my mind up though. My wife says I was much more stable on them (18 months ago) but I came off them to try and find the real me first, the person not effected by drugs. I'm just a bit fed up (that's an understatement!) of the roller coaster ride and could do with some stability in my working life.

I am fortunate that whatever I have (stress, anxiety, depression, a bit of each?) is manageable in my private life away from work, although my working stresses effect my private life most of the time. I just can't make that leap of faith to go back on the meds which feels like a backward step. I was just wondering what your take on this would be?

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My decision to eventually take meds was down to a few things..

I guess first, the reason i didnt want to take meds. Ive never been a big one for drugs, mother always practised alternative medicine, I know more about arnica than I do antibiotics. Ive never taken painkillers except on one occasion I had an ear infection. Im a great beleiver in pain being there for a reason, if you hand hurts, its to prevent you using it, and stop you doing further damage. If you take painkillers you hide the pain, and could damage the hand further. Interestingly, that argument could be used for any drugs used with mental health. The anxiety is there for a reason, covering it up with drugs does not solve the problem.

The other problem was fear. Basically the side effects i read about scared the hell out of me.

The final reason, was a determination to do it on my own. Ive always been very strong. I worked 50+ hours a week on 3 hours a night sleep. I was always top of the class, I never ever saw something that i didnt beleive i could not do. Ive self taught myself everything, from building computers, to diy, to whatever.. I read books, learn and do things. And I was determined to try and beat the anxiety myself.

About november i started to realise that i could not beat it completely on my own. I could do a lot. I could get back to maybe 75% health, but I couldnt get myself back to normal alone. So i made the decision then that I would take meds when I had got myself as far as I could.

One a scale of 1-10, last february I was about an 8, by the summer it was a 10, and by early december I was down to about a 6 again, partly through the vitamins etc, partly through relaxation and partly through my own determination. At christmas we went away to the wifes family which was a massive step, involved a 12 hour journey etc, and that was abig big thing. While we were there i spoke with the wifes sister who has a long history of anxiety, and basically said to her that when I got myself down to about a 3 then i would use meds to help me get me through that last little bit.

I gradully improved over jan and feb and then went forward with medication which for me has been the best thing.

But, the important thing to me was to prove that i could improve by myself, i could get better without the medication, which when it comes time to try without the medication is a good thing to know. I was never going to let myself be better solely because of medication. I had to have some satisfaction that I, ME, had done a lot of the work.

I dont think meds are the answer for anxiety full stop. I think when someone walks into the doctors and they are just prescribed citalopram, thats wrong.. You have to do things yourself as well, but if you can get so far, and they can help you with the last little bit then great.

The main reason on writing this thread is looking around the internet there were so many scare stories. I felt awful, they made me worse, i felt great, i felt sick. But no real details. Did they feel awful for a week? did they feel worse and stop? There was no real acocunt that i could find that really detailed it. So hopefully this will be a reassurance to someone who is considering meds.

When i started writing all this i had no idea how it was going to all end up. Im not better, but im a million times better than i was a year ago, and ten times better than i was in october.

This week ive done 2 lots of work, albeit for just an hour. And friday night we went out to the pub for a couple of hours. The first time ive been out since i started the meds, and also the first time ive been out since i openly put out my facebook message saying what had been wrong. Everyone we saw was great. most people said nothing, just that it was good to see me. A couple of people talked to me quietly to say how impressed they where. And nobody when we left after two hours said we were boring etc beacuse they all understood.

Theres still a long way to go. But im getting there.

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As for you returning to meds. It is a personal decision.

But i dont necessarily think it would be a backwards step. Whenever i used to talk about ideal staff etc. There are always two types. The ones who get on with stuff and if they come to a problem, muddle through, and maybe get it right, but more often than not get it wrong. Then theres the ones that when they reach a problem they have the confidence to ask for a little help.

If you were sat on your bum, not trying to get better, and just reached for a bottle of pills to do the work for you, then no, not a good idea. But you seem to have a good grip on things and just need a helping hand. I dont think there is anything wrong with that.

So there we go, a former lifelong anti medication person saying, that drugs can be good :D

For me its about pride. I feel proud of what i achieved without meds, so I have no qualms about using them to help me. When i am better, the drugs can take a bit of the credit, but im taking the bulk of it. I made me better, not citalopram.

You can manage without them. Congratulations, youve done a great job. But if you can manage a bit better with them then do that. Maybe it is a backwards step, but if it makes your life better, and more enjoyable, then, well weve only got one life, and that ones far to short not to be at our best. ;)

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Oh one side note. Im six weeks in tommorow.

Still got insomnia, but my appetite is back to normal again. It dropped off for about four weeks, but the last two weeks its returned.

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Thanks for that Kev and your experience and advice will certainly help me to make that 'final' decision.

Regards

Gary

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Time for an update I guess.. its been a few months..

Where am I now? vastly improved.

The downsides. I still feel sick some days for about the first hour after taking meds, but nothing major. My sleep patters are still majorly screwed up, i have real problems getting to sleep. Ive found i can sleep on the sofa as its really snug and comfy, the bed, i cant get to sleep straight away, then of course i start getting annoyed and it carries on. Been given sleeping meds but havent taken them yet.

The upsides: on the whole the anxiety is gone, well i say gone, what i suffer now is more like tension. I am doing two days a week volunatary work for a couple of hours at a time which i am getting on fine with. Going out a little bit more, weve been out a couple of nights this week alone, even having the odd drink. I dont wake up with that full on anxiety anymore, and times when before i would have had a panic attack, or got severe anxiety i now just get kinda tense and have to remind myself that stuff is fine.

I do feel i need to take it easy, I get very worn out. If we do go out after 3 or 4 hours I a start to struggle and at the moment that is about my limit. If we go out for a day on the bikes riding etc im fine but the following day im knackered.

So a massive improvement. Not better by a long way, still get tense regularly, and have to focus a lot more, remind myself to slow down, be calm more often, but that will come with time and practise. But im getting there.

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what i am finding regarding work is that is taking me practically all day to go into work for two hours..

I used to go to sleep about three, wake up at six, get out of bed at seven, jump in the shower, be out the house for ten past seven, knock back a cup of coffee on the way to the bus, go through three cigarettes and a lucozade, then a coffee when i got to work and i coped.

Now i volunteer generally about 2pm. The organisation to do that is immense. I have to be to bed early so i can wake up for about 10am, so that i can have my breakfast and meds then so they are working by about 12. then about 1 have a shower and lunch, as i cannot go out without lunch (hunger does make me anxious), then go in just before two. finish about 4. grab some groceries on the way home and get home about five. and then i find myself having to lie down and rest for an hour or two.

Seven hours of my day to do two hours work. The aim over the summer is to try and get myself to the point where i can get up at 9 ish. go into work for about 11, finish at 1 and come home for lunch.. that will be somewhere closer to normal.

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Six months in, and I guess its time for an update.

First the last month or so. At the end of July we went on holiday, Paris as we do every year, and then germany and amsterdam. Last year, Paris however familiar it is and however comfortable i feel there, a lot of time we spent in the hotel. Its only recently the wife has said just how much time we spent in the hotel and how much the holiday was affected by my anxiety. I thought i had done really well (which i had) and just affected it a bit, in retrospect every day was dominated by my anxiety. This year was a million times better. I had to be sensible, and if anything a little anal over mealtimes etc, but if i had a good breakfast each day, took my meds, and then we took our time, having a bath, getting ready for an hour while they kicked in, i was fine. Made sure i had food regularly, and we just kept calm, avoided tourist spots etc and we had a really good week. When we came back we moved house 400 miles, as the wife has a new job. Again, not brilliant but dealt with it.

Ouside of that, i kept up the voluntary work and did on average three days a week, just for 2-3 hours at a time. Not done any for 3 weeks while we have been on holiday/moving etc but have a new voluntary place lined up to start in a couple of weeks.

Ive just moved up to 20mg citalopram, been shaving a bit off each day to increase slowly and todays was about 18mg. Basically i got to the point on ten where i was fine with calm, relaxed was good, but still not able to deal with stress. hopefully 20mg will get me to the point where i can deal with stress.

Theres been a lot of changes, learning to be calm, learning to take my time with tasks etc. I wear a heart monitor when i ride and ive taken to wearing it to work and setting it to sound an alarm at 120bpm to warn me to slow down, then we set the alarm to 110, and its not gone off in months.

The lifestyle changes are important, and the citalopram has helped.

last week for the first time probabbly in my life we just sat on the river, and did nothing, for probably an hour, which is the first time ive ever stood that still.