aangelone1
02-04-2010, 09:35 PM
forcefully thinking about my automatic negative, intrusive thought is it? I mean...I just create more anxiety for myself. And I know I do. But for some reason I try to psychoanalyze myself and dissect and go "why do I think this? Does this mean this? Or What does this mean?"
For example, lately my intrusive thought is absolutely frustrating me and scaring me to no end.
I get anxiety whenever a thought of any other guy comes into my head. Moreso if they're guy friends or something. It's like...not romantic at all. This past week or so it's been the thought of one guy friend in particular who I ahven't talked to in about 2 months. In fact, my conversations with him have been progressively less since I met my now boyfriend (who when I met him and we hang out it was like I didn't care about anything else and we could talk for hours and when we're together still this is how it is. I just didn't think about anything else except for him for the most part and whatever we were talking about), before we were dating. And I haven't really talked to him but like maybe 4 times since I've officially been dating my boyfriend. Like...we only really talked for a couple of weeks if I look at it. We shared a lot but it was mostly our issues and stuff with life...like with him he had really bad issues with his girlfriend and it was a lot of negative stuff. All of the information I've shared with him I've since shared with my boyfriend and then some so it's not like he's the only one who knows or anything. For example, he would send me a message on fb chat like "I hate her" referring to his girlfriend and I would try to make him feel better because I felt bad. He was obviously in pain and hurting. And I'm convinced he was depressed. I don't know if he still is. I haven't talked to him in a few months. I remember becoming annoyed at certain times because sometimes all his talking was so negative or self-effacing. We only really talked in person a few times and most of those times were after I asked him if he wanted to talk because he sounded SOO depressed and worried me. He reminded me a lot about myself emotionally.
Lately he's been the Automatic negative thought that keeps popping into my head. And I will stress that it's not romantic...just like his face here and there and this gives me anxiety and gets me going with the "What does this mean? Why am I thinking about him? DOes this mean I don't love my boyfriend...Does this mean I like him or something..etc."
I've been a little bit better at calming myself down but it seems like because I don't want to think about it, it sort of associates itself to every single thing I think and that gives me anxiety. like I woke up with anxiety Tuesday and I had a an image of trees and such in my head and for some reason that was associated with him, it's ridiculous. I'm willing to admit that there probably is something about him that does fascinate me and possibly attract me but that doesn't change the fact that I love my boyfriend and want to be happy with him.
It's hard when we're apart, you know? And I know that I perpetuate the thoughts myself sometimes. I can be fine and not thinking about it at all and then it's like I notice that I'm not anxious and my mind will go "Oh good, you're not thinking about it." which just brings it back into my mind. It's hard because I don't have these thoughts with my boyfriend. I didn't start feeling anxiety until about a month before I left for home and that should tell you that I was really stressed about going back. I spent an amazing week with him before coming home and I could feel love then and I've felt love since. Just I'm getting so overwhelmed and I feel like my emotional good days are less than the bad days lately and I am constantly plagued with questions and it's just frustrating. I actually feel very emotionally numb, taxed, and I can't feel like..ANY...positive emotions whatsoever. I don't want to be like this any more. I want to be able to feel the love and affection that I know that I have for my boyfriend.
I don't want to keep analyzing why this kid's face keeps popping in my head for the past week or so(which I was doing again earlier and got myself worked up). Whenever I'm with my boyfriend or before my anxiety hit, I didn't think about any other guys. The conversation stopped I'll admit because I really wasn't interested. And I'm still not interested today. I just was happy and enjoying time with my boyfriend. Other guys didn't and still don't interest me. I don't think I would mind at all if the image were of someone famous or something but because it's someone I know and someone I've talked to ..it's so frustrating. I just want to be happy again.
EDIT: And I will also say that I am under an immense amount of pressure lately...most of it probably self-inflicted. I'm in an international long distance relationship currently and before, with guys, I would sort of push them away if they started to like me or show me attention. I would just find things I didn't like and stop things before they started probably because I'm so scared of getting hurt and I have issues trustinng people.
I can't do that with my boyfriend. I truly love him and trust him with my life. I do have an issue with him at all and he has been absolutely AMAZING through all of this, we have so much in common, and I';m sure there are little quirks that will bother us from time to time, but I don't want to push him away. He's the best thing that;s ever happened to me. I feel like I don't trust myself right now because my thoughts and emotions are so out of whack. Like...I just feel like I could ruin everything.
I feel like because I'm so insecure and scared about the future and being in an LDR, even though we're determined to make it work, I feel like I'm scared of being hurt or things not working out for some reason so I'm like weighing my options or something... I dunno. It's crazy.
I've found someone who is right for me in every sense of the word. I don't want to ruin this.
For example, lately my intrusive thought is absolutely frustrating me and scaring me to no end.
I get anxiety whenever a thought of any other guy comes into my head. Moreso if they're guy friends or something. It's like...not romantic at all. This past week or so it's been the thought of one guy friend in particular who I ahven't talked to in about 2 months. In fact, my conversations with him have been progressively less since I met my now boyfriend (who when I met him and we hang out it was like I didn't care about anything else and we could talk for hours and when we're together still this is how it is. I just didn't think about anything else except for him for the most part and whatever we were talking about), before we were dating. And I haven't really talked to him but like maybe 4 times since I've officially been dating my boyfriend. Like...we only really talked for a couple of weeks if I look at it. We shared a lot but it was mostly our issues and stuff with life...like with him he had really bad issues with his girlfriend and it was a lot of negative stuff. All of the information I've shared with him I've since shared with my boyfriend and then some so it's not like he's the only one who knows or anything. For example, he would send me a message on fb chat like "I hate her" referring to his girlfriend and I would try to make him feel better because I felt bad. He was obviously in pain and hurting. And I'm convinced he was depressed. I don't know if he still is. I haven't talked to him in a few months. I remember becoming annoyed at certain times because sometimes all his talking was so negative or self-effacing. We only really talked in person a few times and most of those times were after I asked him if he wanted to talk because he sounded SOO depressed and worried me. He reminded me a lot about myself emotionally.
Lately he's been the Automatic negative thought that keeps popping into my head. And I will stress that it's not romantic...just like his face here and there and this gives me anxiety and gets me going with the "What does this mean? Why am I thinking about him? DOes this mean I don't love my boyfriend...Does this mean I like him or something..etc."
I've been a little bit better at calming myself down but it seems like because I don't want to think about it, it sort of associates itself to every single thing I think and that gives me anxiety. like I woke up with anxiety Tuesday and I had a an image of trees and such in my head and for some reason that was associated with him, it's ridiculous. I'm willing to admit that there probably is something about him that does fascinate me and possibly attract me but that doesn't change the fact that I love my boyfriend and want to be happy with him.
It's hard when we're apart, you know? And I know that I perpetuate the thoughts myself sometimes. I can be fine and not thinking about it at all and then it's like I notice that I'm not anxious and my mind will go "Oh good, you're not thinking about it." which just brings it back into my mind. It's hard because I don't have these thoughts with my boyfriend. I didn't start feeling anxiety until about a month before I left for home and that should tell you that I was really stressed about going back. I spent an amazing week with him before coming home and I could feel love then and I've felt love since. Just I'm getting so overwhelmed and I feel like my emotional good days are less than the bad days lately and I am constantly plagued with questions and it's just frustrating. I actually feel very emotionally numb, taxed, and I can't feel like..ANY...positive emotions whatsoever. I don't want to be like this any more. I want to be able to feel the love and affection that I know that I have for my boyfriend.
I don't want to keep analyzing why this kid's face keeps popping in my head for the past week or so(which I was doing again earlier and got myself worked up). Whenever I'm with my boyfriend or before my anxiety hit, I didn't think about any other guys. The conversation stopped I'll admit because I really wasn't interested. And I'm still not interested today. I just was happy and enjoying time with my boyfriend. Other guys didn't and still don't interest me. I don't think I would mind at all if the image were of someone famous or something but because it's someone I know and someone I've talked to ..it's so frustrating. I just want to be happy again.
EDIT: And I will also say that I am under an immense amount of pressure lately...most of it probably self-inflicted. I'm in an international long distance relationship currently and before, with guys, I would sort of push them away if they started to like me or show me attention. I would just find things I didn't like and stop things before they started probably because I'm so scared of getting hurt and I have issues trustinng people.
I can't do that with my boyfriend. I truly love him and trust him with my life. I do have an issue with him at all and he has been absolutely AMAZING through all of this, we have so much in common, and I';m sure there are little quirks that will bother us from time to time, but I don't want to push him away. He's the best thing that;s ever happened to me. I feel like I don't trust myself right now because my thoughts and emotions are so out of whack. Like...I just feel like I could ruin everything.
I feel like because I'm so insecure and scared about the future and being in an LDR, even though we're determined to make it work, I feel like I'm scared of being hurt or things not working out for some reason so I'm like weighing my options or something... I dunno. It's crazy.
I've found someone who is right for me in every sense of the word. I don't want to ruin this.