aangelone1
01-27-2010, 09:19 PM
I mean romantically, of course. I definitely have anxiety...like there is no doubt about it. However, when I am with my boyfriend I feel at peace and comfortable and I don't worry nearly as much. Although, we are currently in an international long distance relationship and it's going pretty well between us, he is incredibly supportive and positive. However, because of my anxiety, I feel like the issue remains within myself. He has done nothing wrong but I've always had this way of pushing guys away because I was scared and I've retreated but I know that I love him and I know that it is wonderful when we're together and what we have is worth fighting for and working through whatever is going on in my head (I just started counseling). I can go through these emotions where I love him completely one day and it's not that I don't love him the next day, I question if I really love him and I worry about the future. So naturally, being anxious and being so far away I've kind of gone into survival mode and sometimes I feel like I can't express or feel affectionate emotions to even him because I want to protect myself from the pain I'm feeling but I'm only causing myself more pain. It's hard because I feel like I can't completely dedicate myself to him like I want to because I'm constantly worried and second-guessing myself and questioning my love for him and all of the what-ifs about the future.
And he has done absolutely nothing wrong. It's hard without the physical aspect of a relationship to have that tender reinforcement but we're trying to find it and I'm trying to resolve my issues through counseling.
Does any one have any idea what I'm going through?
And I mean, I often wonder if my relationship qualms within myself are even real...I just wonder if the anxious feelings are already there and my thoughts about him take the brunt force of the weight because he's always on my mind because I care about him so much. It's ridiculous.
I know that I had the absolute happiest time of my life when I was with him. I know that when I am with him he helps me feel complete and calm...at peace. I know that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know that he has showed me what it is to be loved and I love him so much for that and all I want to do is express my emotions without fear and anxiety and all of these ridiculous obsessive thoughts getting into my head...and sometimes I feel like I force them into my head because I have that anxious feeling and I start to toy around with what thoughts provoke it more. That I don't love him? Of course that would scare me... Wouldn't that scare any one? The difference is that I know I love him.
Just being so far away and in a place which causes me stress and anxiety and where I truly don't want to be, it's just having an effect on me and I don't like the emotional/mental place I am in.
EDIT: I was just like to point that I had a bit of meltdown last night and ended up crying and writing this really emotional email to my mother begging her to let me transfer schools, to where I met my boyfriend but not purely because my boyfriend is there but because in that place I had never felt more comfortable or accepted and welcomed for who I was. It was a wonderful feeling I truly felt as if I belonged. Since then, my emotions have not been bothering me as much at all and I haven't had these thoughts questioning anything. I think I just become really overwhelmed and I don't know what to think. Afterwards, I was able to communicate fine with my boyfriend and felt that affection come out.
And he has done absolutely nothing wrong. It's hard without the physical aspect of a relationship to have that tender reinforcement but we're trying to find it and I'm trying to resolve my issues through counseling.
Does any one have any idea what I'm going through?
And I mean, I often wonder if my relationship qualms within myself are even real...I just wonder if the anxious feelings are already there and my thoughts about him take the brunt force of the weight because he's always on my mind because I care about him so much. It's ridiculous.
I know that I had the absolute happiest time of my life when I was with him. I know that when I am with him he helps me feel complete and calm...at peace. I know that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know that he has showed me what it is to be loved and I love him so much for that and all I want to do is express my emotions without fear and anxiety and all of these ridiculous obsessive thoughts getting into my head...and sometimes I feel like I force them into my head because I have that anxious feeling and I start to toy around with what thoughts provoke it more. That I don't love him? Of course that would scare me... Wouldn't that scare any one? The difference is that I know I love him.
Just being so far away and in a place which causes me stress and anxiety and where I truly don't want to be, it's just having an effect on me and I don't like the emotional/mental place I am in.
EDIT: I was just like to point that I had a bit of meltdown last night and ended up crying and writing this really emotional email to my mother begging her to let me transfer schools, to where I met my boyfriend but not purely because my boyfriend is there but because in that place I had never felt more comfortable or accepted and welcomed for who I was. It was a wonderful feeling I truly felt as if I belonged. Since then, my emotions have not been bothering me as much at all and I haven't had these thoughts questioning anything. I think I just become really overwhelmed and I don't know what to think. Afterwards, I was able to communicate fine with my boyfriend and felt that affection come out.