brittypixi
12-22-2009, 11:56 AM
im having alot of trouble writing this because ive been so depressed lately that i havent really wanted to do anything. basically i wrote on the forums awhile ago about my doubts about my boyfriend. well i let my anxiety get the best of me and treated him really bad constantly telling him i didnt know if i loved him and being anxious and jealous over everything. well now he is considering a break. and now im realizing how stupid ive been. i love him with my whole heart, and all the jealousy and everything was so stupid. basically ive screwed up everything and so he is considering a break from us. he wants to get through the holidays and then see how he feels after that. well i am positive that he is the person that i want to spend the rest of my life with, my soulmate, the person i want to marry etc. so you can imagine how scared i am. i have told him time and time again ill change, so now that im saying it and i really mean it he doesnt believe it, because its like ive cried wolf this whole time. he said he is giving me the chance to show him that it will be different this time but that the possibility of a break is there as well. i dont know how to be okay right now because i feel like im losing my whole world right now :(. im finding it really hard to enjoy anything right now, im not excited for the holidays at all, im really depressed. i want to just sleep so that i dont have to worry about him leaving me because i know if he does that im probably gonna fall the hardest ive ever fallen. i already feel like my world is crashing down and he hasent decided yet. if he decides to stay with me i am going to make everything better, not let all this anxiety get out of control and just treat him well like he has deserved this whole time. but i cant help but be terrified that he is going to leave me. ive been praying and trying to do nice things for him right now but i dont know how to cope i really feel like im going to lose it.