beech wood
12-08-2009, 06:49 AM
i'm a freshman in college. i have been dealing (i think) with depression and anxiety for 10 years now. i haven't been going to class since the first semester started. i'm locked into a financial aid program where i am totally liable for all costs for each class i fail, and it looks like that's going to be every one. i haven't been able to get myself to go to class. i feel like everyone is judging me when i go somewhere. i know the way i'm thinking is completely irrational, but i can't stop the feelings.
i have half heartedly tried to make friends, but i find it too hard. i can't bring myself to do it. my roommate in this dorm always has friends over. i would love to make friends with them but cant find it in me to do so. i haven't made new friends in years, and whatever friends i do have i barely speak with anymore. whenever they come in i just stay in my room with the door closed as it always is. i feel trapped in here. i can't stand it in here. it feels like a hospital room and a jail cell at the same time. there are some periods where i hadn't been eating because i didn't want to leave my room. all i did was sleep, drink water, and go to the bathroom. the longest period of time. it feels like my m.o. is to avoid awkwardness at any cost.
lately whenever i have been out in public i have felt on the brink of breaking down and crying. everything comes but the tears. my heart sinks into my stomach, shortness of breath. i wouldn't call it afull on panic attack, though. i have only had two "real" panic attacks, with the racing mind and heart since i finally got on antidepressants in summer. but they didn't seem to be effective. i was on celexa for a month, then after it not having any effect, along with my first panic attack i switched to cipralex. i had another panic attack on them about 2 weeks in. when i ran out, i just stopped taking them. i haven't had a panic attack since, but these feelings of awkwardness and being trapped haven't gone away. so i think its getting worse.
i have tried to bring it up to my family but can't. i just know i will be letting them down. i've told them school is going ok and that i am fine. the last time i was up for a visit they noticed how much weight i lost. i was around 230 when i first left for scholo in sept. but i am now just over 210. i guess it would be a positive if it weren't for the way and reasons it happened. on the car ride back i had to struggle to keep myself together. i hated myself for being such a coward. i have been writing an email to my mom because i don't think i'll have the courage to tell people in person.
i have half heartedly tried to make friends, but i find it too hard. i can't bring myself to do it. my roommate in this dorm always has friends over. i would love to make friends with them but cant find it in me to do so. i haven't made new friends in years, and whatever friends i do have i barely speak with anymore. whenever they come in i just stay in my room with the door closed as it always is. i feel trapped in here. i can't stand it in here. it feels like a hospital room and a jail cell at the same time. there are some periods where i hadn't been eating because i didn't want to leave my room. all i did was sleep, drink water, and go to the bathroom. the longest period of time. it feels like my m.o. is to avoid awkwardness at any cost.
lately whenever i have been out in public i have felt on the brink of breaking down and crying. everything comes but the tears. my heart sinks into my stomach, shortness of breath. i wouldn't call it afull on panic attack, though. i have only had two "real" panic attacks, with the racing mind and heart since i finally got on antidepressants in summer. but they didn't seem to be effective. i was on celexa for a month, then after it not having any effect, along with my first panic attack i switched to cipralex. i had another panic attack on them about 2 weeks in. when i ran out, i just stopped taking them. i haven't had a panic attack since, but these feelings of awkwardness and being trapped haven't gone away. so i think its getting worse.
i have tried to bring it up to my family but can't. i just know i will be letting them down. i've told them school is going ok and that i am fine. the last time i was up for a visit they noticed how much weight i lost. i was around 230 when i first left for scholo in sept. but i am now just over 210. i guess it would be a positive if it weren't for the way and reasons it happened. on the car ride back i had to struggle to keep myself together. i hated myself for being such a coward. i have been writing an email to my mom because i don't think i'll have the courage to tell people in person.