i can't find the strength or energy to leave my room

[beech wood]

i'm a freshman in college. i have been dealing (i think) with depression and anxiety for 10 years now. i haven't been going to class since the first semester started. i'm locked into a financial aid program where i am totally liable for all costs for each class i fail, and it looks like that's going to be every one. i haven't been able to get myself to go to class. i feel like everyone is judging me when i go somewhere. i know the way i'm thinking is completely irrational, but i can't stop the feelings.

i have half heartedly tried to make friends, but i find it too hard. i can't bring myself to do it. my roommate in this dorm always has friends over. i would love to make friends with them but cant find it in me to do so. i haven't made new friends in years, and whatever friends i do have i barely speak with anymore. whenever they come in i just stay in my room with the door closed as it always is. i feel trapped in here. i can't stand it in here. it feels like a hospital room and a jail cell at the same time. there are some periods where i hadn't been eating because i didn't want to leave my room. all i did was sleep, drink water, and go to the bathroom. the longest period of time. it feels like my m.o. is to avoid awkwardness at any cost.

lately whenever i have been out in public i have felt on the brink of breaking down and crying. everything comes but the tears. my heart sinks into my stomach, shortness of breath. i wouldn't call it afull on panic attack, though. i have only had two "real" panic attacks, with the racing mind and heart since i finally got on antidepressants in summer. but they didn't seem to be effective. i was on celexa for a month, then after it not having any effect, along with my first panic attack i switched to cipralex. i had another panic attack on them about 2 weeks in. when i ran out, i just stopped taking them. i haven't had a panic attack since, but these feelings of awkwardness and being trapped haven't gone away. so i think its getting worse.

i have tried to bring it up to my family but can't. i just know i will be letting them down. i've told them school is going ok and that i am fine. the last time i was up for a visit they noticed how much weight i lost. i was around 230 when i first left for scholo in sept. but i am now just over 210. i guess it would be a positive if it weren't for the way and reasons it happened. on the car ride back i had to struggle to keep myself together. i hated myself for being such a coward. i have been writing an email to my mom because i don't think i'll have the courage to tell people in person.

[Stainboy]

Trust me, I know how you feel. Do you have your own bedroom? Is it just living areas, kitchen, bathrooms you share with others?

I think you should continue with that email to your Mum, sometimes I text my housemate as I have so much trouble confronting people in person. Your Mum will want to know how you're feeling, you're not letting anyone down as you would never choose to feel like this would you? Your family may already suspect that things are not great, we're not always the great actors we think we are.

Try and get some counselling at college as well, they must have a service for it there. Do you have access to the internet from your room where you can search? Then you could probably book an appointment at least by phone and only have to go out when its time.

I would also email your tutors as well, let them know whats going on. I did this when I was at my first university and having anxiety problems. Some arn't understanding but some are, and you only have to deal with the unsympathetic ones by email. It is only the first year, they may be able to come up with a way for you to catch up on what you've missed.

[beech wood]

thank you. i had made a counselling appointment before, but rescheduled to later. i didn't feel up to going that day. on the rescheduled day i didn't even let them know i wasn't coming in.

you brought up a good point- acting. that is exactly how i feel. i have been pretending everything is fine with me since i was 11 or 12, but all of this has been getting to me. i know it's not healthy to be like this. i want help, but can't reach out and ask..

[Stainboy]

Do you feel like your energy for acting everything being okay is running out? I think we convince ourselves we feel better in the short term as that's what'd make everyone elses lives easier but it crushes us more inside.

Don't feel like you're not ill enough or worthy enough of anyone's help, feeling unable to leave your room is not how anyone should be left feeling. I think being in fulltime education you're in a good place for support and more likely to find understanding people than in the working world. This is a good time to start asking for help.

It might be worth telling the counselling service that you are having trouble going out, I don't know if they'll be able to offer to come and see you but they might be able to suggest something.

[beech wood]

every time i read over what i've written, i can't help but feel what she would feel. i have no idea how to soften the blow i feel i'm dealing. i feel physically sick every time i read it.

[beech wood]

lol

i've been sitting here with a gmail tab open in firefox for the past hour with the email written out waiting to be sent. it would be funny if it weren't so sad. :/

[Robbed]

Even if a counselor may not be able to help you with your anxiety problem, it might be worthwhile to see one. This would allow your problem to become documented, which might get you off the hook for having to pay out of pocket for your classes. I can't guarantee you this. But having a medical condition is often a good enough excuse to get you off the hook in these situations. Also, from my experience, having a medical condition will typically allow you to drop your classes, even this late in the game (although policies obviously differ, depending on where you are going to school). Although it will still show on your records that you dropped the classes (when I was in school, this was shown as a 'W' grade), it is MUCH better to have a drop on your record than an F. Also, not having these worries about failing classes or having to pay would probably do MUCH to ease your mind and help you with your problem.

I should also note that, if you can't get a counseling appointment, you can always see a general practitioner. They can also write a note for you.

As for getting behind on classes, don't worry too much about this one. The very worst thing you will ever have to do because you failed or dropped classes is make them up at a future time. And that's certainly not the end of the world (although you may have been led to believe it is). With this said, maybe you should also take some time off from school until you have your issues at least somewhat resolved. You will get SO much more out of school if you do. Not to mention that, if you do nothing and try to go back next semester, things will probably just be a repeat of this last semester.

[beech wood]

i just send it

i feel completely sick to my stomach

[Stainboy]

It's good that you did, yes your family will probably worry but they'll want to know how you're feeling and you need some support. You can never do all of this on your own.