Stainboy
12-01-2009, 03:58 AM
I've been suffering from anxiety followed by depression for 10+ years, I spent a lot of that never admitting just how bad it was and forcing myself to ignore it. Because it hits me usually at the same time each year (autumish) and I start feeling better around spring and summer I've been able to sort of start functioning again enough to believe it was never too big a problem. But every time it comes back it comes back worse.
I've put off going out or to certain places before because they make me feel nervous but I've never felt so strongly about it as I do this time. I've barely left my house for the last couple of months, for a week and a half I didn't even leave my room as I'm not comfortable in this house, but I managed to do that a bit and have gone out a couple of times for appointments. It's a lot easier when it's dark out.
Yesterday morning I had an early appointment, it really didn't help that it was absolutely freezing, I dont know why this makes it worse I guess it just adds to the discomfort. It involved catching 2 buses and a walk that was longer than I thought from the last stop to where I was going. This had been the longest I'd been out on my own in the daylight for a while and halfway along it I realised I was nowhere near my house and couldn't just get inside quickly at all. I was stuck outside with a long walk in every direction. It was awful. I almost started crying.
I never really show much physical signs of panic, it could be years of trying so hard to look normal. All my suffering is internal so I can usually function enough to get by when I have to interact with people, especially if I don't have to interact with them for long. But I feel terrible inside, I couldn't bare it and it definitely hasn't encouraged me to go out again any time soon.
But I don't know what happens now, with anything, and my energy levels are so low I can't think as clearly as I need to.
I've put off going out or to certain places before because they make me feel nervous but I've never felt so strongly about it as I do this time. I've barely left my house for the last couple of months, for a week and a half I didn't even leave my room as I'm not comfortable in this house, but I managed to do that a bit and have gone out a couple of times for appointments. It's a lot easier when it's dark out.
Yesterday morning I had an early appointment, it really didn't help that it was absolutely freezing, I dont know why this makes it worse I guess it just adds to the discomfort. It involved catching 2 buses and a walk that was longer than I thought from the last stop to where I was going. This had been the longest I'd been out on my own in the daylight for a while and halfway along it I realised I was nowhere near my house and couldn't just get inside quickly at all. I was stuck outside with a long walk in every direction. It was awful. I almost started crying.
I never really show much physical signs of panic, it could be years of trying so hard to look normal. All my suffering is internal so I can usually function enough to get by when I have to interact with people, especially if I don't have to interact with them for long. But I feel terrible inside, I couldn't bare it and it definitely hasn't encouraged me to go out again any time soon.
But I don't know what happens now, with anything, and my energy levels are so low I can't think as clearly as I need to.