How to help a loved one with anxiety?

[jlc04j]

Hi! My boyfriend just broke up with me because of his anxiety. He says he has to fix himself and love himself before he can love anyone else. As much as I hate it, I know he needs his time and space. I know he needs to get this under control. However, all I want to do is help. I try to read as much as I can about anxiety, its causes, common treatments so I can understand as best as I can. I'm a masters student in behavioral psychology, so this topic isn't completely foreign to me. I'm able to read the literature and determine what is better vs. what is crap. But, he doesn't want me to contact him. He says it just hurts him. What can I do? I love him too much to do nothing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much,
Jen

[Belle]

It's hard to know what to do if he doesn't want your help or to even speak to you?
You sound like a very caring and understanding person, personally if it was me I wouldn't be so understanding and give him a good kick up the backside!! I know anxiety is hard and sometimes you go through times where you need to re-evaluate yourself, but I always did that with my partner/husband by my side, my feelings for him never changed and was always my inspiritation to be better. I would never had hurt him like that just to deal with my anxiety, anxiety should never change your life. And still to this day he doesn't understand what I feel or go through, but that's ok I don't need him to as long as he is there and doesn't pressure me, he accepts me for me.
The only thing you really can do is let him know your still there and be there when he's ready and there's no pressure and you'll give him the space he needs, but if he doesn't want you to wait and doesn't see the future with you in it, then don't wait. There's not much more you can do, it's something he needs to figure out for himself.
The right man will love you, care about you, never hurt you and let you be there through all the bad times. If you can't get past this together what else will he break up with you over in the future?

[niq]

The thing about anxiety is that when you are suffering from it, you will try just about anything to make it stop. Unfortunately we don’t always know helps and what doesn’t. Some times we do things that we think will help us, only to find out the hard way that it wasn’t such a good idea.

When it comes to dealing with tough emotional problems I think that us guys are wired a little differently to you girls. Where women might seek a shoulder to cry on, men are more likely to opt for space & solitude. When I am feeling particularly bad I don’t call a friend or family to talk to them about all my problems – instead I go for a LONG walk by myself. It’s not because I don’t like/trust/value my friends & family. It’s just the way I deal with it.

I’m not saying that it was a good idea for your boyfriend to end your relationship. In fact, it sounds like a terrible idea. But he probably felt like he needed the space the sort out his head.

[jlc04j]

Thanks, guys! I really appreciate your perspectives and advice. It's hard for me to know what he's going through and what would be best for him because I've never experienced anxiety. Sure, I have some of the same persistent and negative thoughts, but they don't result in the physiological sensations, so it’s not the same--not as bad. But hearing from people who feel like he does helps give me the other perspective, so I can better understand how he feels.

He's had previous girlfriends leave him because of his anxiety. One in particular wanted to "see" a panic attack and when he let her, she basically told him he was crazy and she couldn't deal with that. So, he's terrified of getting close to someone again and being hurt like that. While I've never given him even the slightest reason to think I would leave, he's still scared. And I can understand that. What a horrible thing to have gone through! I just want him to know that I'm here for him now without being too pushy. I want him to realize that this isn't something that scares me or makes me think less of him. And that I want to help.

Any other advice or opinions are welcome!

[Weeze Begs]

My Husband asked me the same question.....how do I help you ? what do you want me to do ??? and loads of other things that you have also said and thought.

some days, I wanted to be left alone...not touched, not talk about it.
Some days I just wanted a hug, or him to just sit next to me.
Some days I hated.... yes hated him for not understanding.

I knew, even in my crazed state that he was there for me.

He did the right thing, gave me space, let me take it out on him, demand everything from him, deprieve him from sex for many months.

And eventually the clouds lift and our relationship is getting back to normal, not perfect but getting there. He had seen me have some bad attacks, and at times shouted at me because "he was scared too" and it took me time to realise that my illness effects him and my children too.

I don't know what advice to give you as I obviously don't know you or your relationship but I hope hearing my story will help you, and remember you are not alone, and keep up the good work of supporting your boyfriend...he is very lucky