I can't cope living with other people

[Stainboy]

Now I don't know whether to trust my judgement or not, my anxious phases have caused me to "run away" and regret it in the past but that instinct has been the right thing to do in other situations so I'm never sure which is right. I'm sorry this is long but I think I need to explain some background first.

Earlier this year I lived alone in a town where I didn't know anyone (except my ex who would have nothing to do with me). I was painfully lonely and mostly isolated as I wasn't working and a lot of the time afraid to leave the flat. I decided to jump in the deep and move to a shared house with strangers as a way to meet new people. The only time I've ever lived with people I didn't already know was my first year of Uni in halls. It takes a while for me to get to know people, I'm afraid of social situations sometimes but during summer I always recover a bit from my anxiety and depression and I wanted to try it.

Of course now I'm hating it. Every year my anxiety comes back worse than the year before. None of the people I live with are bad. I was the first one to move in at the start of July, then a week later a guy moved in. He's nice enough, around my age (I'm 29) but you barely see him which means you never get to know him and we never got out of that uncomfortable small talk phase. A girl moved in at the end of August and another girl that she knows moved in at the start of October. They're nice but they're 18/19 and it feels a bit like living with kids. One of them is full of far too much energy and is too much for me.

They understand my problems, one suffers bipolar and has been admitted to hospital in the past, the other suffers depression. But I don't know them well and my confidence has taken a massive beating this year. Simple things like being responsible for bills (I was first here so everything is in my name) feels too much as I'm afraid to ask people for money. We have talked about how the bills will be sorted but it's just talk, nothing gets done. They're dirtier than me and don't seem to have any respect for other peoples things.

Those are all normal housemate issues really, what's become really hard is my anxiety has sent me agoraphobic this year to the point of not only being afraid to leave the house but afraid to leave my bedroom. I just can't bare coming out and having to speak to anyone. This weekend is a godsend as the girls have gone away so I almost have the place to myself, I'm using it to catch up on some washing. But I still dont feel safe enough to make dinner as if I'm in the kitchen too long the remaining housemate might come in.

Also a couple of months ago I was beaten up and robbed in the house one night. This years anxiety came on quickly after that. Every night I freak out at the smallest noise, my bedroom is on the groundfloor so I hear anything going on down here. My door doesn't have a lock either so I'm always terrified that my door will burst open or I'll wake up to find a figure standing over me.

I am tempted to "run away" and live alone again. I was lonely but I'm still lonely now, even though I'm avoiding the people I could be speaking to. One of my close friends lives in town now and I know a few other people so I'm not as isolated as I was before, I would just like to feel safe at home so I can choose to be by myself.

The problem is that even if I did choose to go, my tenancy runs till July so I would either need to replace myself or be responsible for that rent. I am wondering if it's possible to get out of your contract on medical grounds? Would I be able to proove that living here is preventing me from recovering from my problems?

Thanks for reading all of that, any advice welcome, even if it's to say "stay where you are" as my friends have been telling me that already.

[damaralenoire]

I just have to say in one respect how reassuring to know that tere are people in the same predicament I am or was in and that there are ways out of every problem

I will discuss teh full extend of my health issues in another thread HOWEVER, when i had a job last year, I decided to move into a flat in the city centre but grew to become so depressed for being so lonely, and yet I hate living with people cos i felt i was so different. I tried living with people at uni and just about tolerated it but that was because i could lock myself into my room where I had al teh essentials being a microwave, bath tilet, mini fridge TV computer and my bed. I hated socialising because I was more of a mature student and felt like I was stuck in a mursery school with half the idiots I was housed with in Uni digs. ANYWAY. Wheni was living in my flat, I found myself only ever leaving the flat at night to slip off to the cinema b myself etc. And I work 4 days a week in the back of a store where i couldn't be seen by public. When i lost my job, it was all through stress, I made a point in telling my landlady hoping she would understand that I lost my job and would be needing to claim DSS payments for the rent which she woud not accept. And yet she would not allow me to terminate my contract unless i found someone to replace me. I realised i could not stay at the flat do to the rent price but spent a month trying to find someone to replace me with no luck. I asked her if she could not look at me with some compassion and she tarnished me with the same brush as her other tenants saying that we are trying to screw HER over and that we are breaking the law if i broke the contract. I went to Citizens Advice Bureau and asked them and they said all i could do was write her a letter explaining my problems and that I could no longer afford to stay> I did so and she basically said TUFF. So my options were to stay and build up a DEBT with her and let the path or depression and stress become longer or break the contract.

It was the the 2nd Option. I had to do a moonlight flit, 2am in the morning i had a mate fetch his transit round and i loaded it with my stuf and moved back to my family home.

On researching and making further enquiries, The only Health grounds you can terminate or end your tenancy agreement is if there a physical problem with the accomodation that would have a direct effect on your health. of if the tenants are causing you a knowinglyproblematic living condition. You just need to hope you have an understanding landlord that will have an idea about how your health is being effected.


I am not proud about having to flit from my accomodation, though i was not in arrears with rent or bills. However, i have had to watch my step when ever i go back into the city for fear of seeing landlad, making sure my name stays out of the papers, making sure i stay away fom the area in which she lives.

[danstelter]

Hmm, well that is a tough situation to be in and you should give yourself credit for bearing with it and trying to make your way through it. There is nothing wrong with living alone, if that is what you choose to do. I did that for a period of time and that worked out quite well for me. Living with other people is hard, as you noted, because they have different standards of living than you, and also, you have to ask them to pay money for bills as your name is on the bills (if they were more decent they would just offer to pay their part).

One option that is available is for you to work or do whatever until July when you are ready to move out and on your own. It seems that the amount of anxiety that is being produced in this situation might be a little too much for you to handle (I just had to quit a job and go to another one because of the anxiety levels). It is absolutely okay for you to take a step back and expose yourself to the anxiety that you can handle (living on your own).

Another option is to try to get out of your contract because of medical reasons, however, I don't think that you can do that. It sounds like you live in England, and I'm not sure if you can do something like that there, but I'm pretty sure you can't in the United States. Talk to friends and families and begin to learn if this is possible.

It's really up to you what you decide to do with this situation. It is tough and I give you credit for working through, and be sure to give yourself credit. Be sure to ask questions if you have any further need for help.

[Stainboy]

Thanks for your replies, Pamela your experience with your flat is like what happened with mine before I moved into this house. After my relationship ended in Jan and I had to spend some time back "home" (that whole thing is a massive story itself) I found myself a flat to come back to as I thought I had a temp job starting soon. After living in what was very much my girlfriend's flat I wanted space to myself so opted to live alone. But the job fell through, I always get these stupid bursts of unrealistic optimism in certain situations and thought I could still make the flat work. I had to move. Being at home in my Mum's house just reminds me far too much of failure and ever since I've experienced living elsewhere I've never felt at home in that area.

But my moods got worse, the antidepressants I was on were having terrible effects on me, as was trying to have a friendship with my ex. I was so worried I wouldn't be able to afford the flat, and I started wondering if maybe I should have moved in with other people after all. You know, I think I actually started thinking about it only because of cost as it's always a lot cheaper to share and then that turned into me thinking I wouldn't be so isolated on my own.

My landlady also refused to accept housing benefit as she had been conned out of a year's rent before and wouldn't let me out of my contract unless I sacrificed my deposit so she could pay to readvertise the flat and I would still have to replace myself. I agreed thinking I had no other choice but then changeed my mind, only it was too late, she advertised straight away. I think landlords shouldn't be allowed to refuse benefits, people are on them for all kinds of different reasons and I don't see how it makes you any less trustworthy :( I know there are problems with it sometimes, like there has been with mine this year that are no fault of my own but employers can also make mistakes with wages too.

In the end after 4 months there she decided she would remodel the flat as nobody was interested in moving in as it was (it was small) so I was allowed to leave without having to be replaced. I ended up finding an empty house thinking it would be better to be the first to move in somewhere. Houses I'd looked at with existing tennants made me feel uncomfortable and like I'd always feel like a guest in someone elses house.

It's awful though, the 2 girls here have been away for the weekend which I was relieved about at first but I've still had to hide from the remaning guy. I literally RAN into my room last night when I heard him coming down the stairs. Then later on the cordless house phone was still in my room and started ringing. His girlfriend always calls at this time of night so I knew he'd be coming down to pick it up. I couldn't stop it ringing! I had to open my door give him the phone, mumble a freaked out sorry and close my door again. He must think I'm insane.

I may have to go into hospital, I can't see any way to move forward as things are now. My friend told me I need to gain control bit by bit but I can't start that until I feel safe. Feeling unsafe in your own home is no foundation to start anything else on. The doctors appointment I had on the phone on Wednesday was awful, the doctor said I could either wait a week until my medication would magically start working (he refuses to believe its having any side effects until I've been taking it for 3 weeks) or be admitted to hospital. But it didn't sound like a real choice, it sounded like "behave or else". My friend said maybe I do need hospital, she suggested it earlier in the year as well when I was in the flat. At the time I didn't want the decision to kill myself to be taken from me, I wanted it to be my choice. I feel like I have no choices in anything at the moment. I have nothing to feel safe with to cling to to help me get starteed.

I have counselling tomorrow but I can't see how the hell I'm going to get there, and I worry that if I do make it out for that (counselling was the only thing I could get out for last week as I needed it so badly) then I'll be stranded outside, afraid of coming back to this house.

Thanks also Dan, yes I am in England. July is so far away at the moment I'm not sure I could make it by then. I know that I thought I was miserable living alone and that I'd be better off in this situation and people keep reminding me of that but I think this is worse. I'm still lonely and on top of that dont feel like I really have a home anymore. To get out of here I suppose I could say that nobody gives me money for bills, a bill that someone promised to take care of is now late and all this is causing me too much stress but that feels like I'm attacking my housemates which I don't really want to do.