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Seiena

11-14-2009, 04:42 AM

Hi, I'm 26 years old. I've never once been treated for Anxiety, depression nothing. My family is 0% supportive and 0% tolerant of any mental disorders. I've always been different, always suffered a minor bit of Anxiety over the years. As they've progressed I've gotten to the point I'm at now, I never leave my room, I'm so far down the depression ladder I can't see daylight, my Self esteem, pride, ego all of it is 100% non-existent. All attempts to self-medication have failed save one, Dogs. When my dog was alive, my anxiety actually lessened enough that I was starting to climb back out of the hole, I had drive and motivation which I had lost a long time ago, and I was finally able to graduate from college (these troubles + Learning Disabilities = BAD BAD BAD! ) after 10 years of fighting through classes.

I was finally starting to have pride, feeling good about myself, all of that good stuff. Now since my dog died, I'm back to rock bottom. I've tried everything I can think of to obliterate the feeling of complete and utter worthlessness but my family is making it -impossible-. These troubles are affecting my ability to find a job and it's a giant vicious circle of pain and destruction.

After my dog died my mom went on this rampage of no more animals so the one medication that was working is being denied me. I can't get my family to read up on anxiety they keep telling me "Oh just tell yourself it's not a problem and you'll be fine." Except that I'm to the point that it seems like I spend more time sobbing then anything else my anxieties have reached the point I'm Paranoid and Neurotic pretty much 24/7. I live in a small town where money makes the world go round and I'm at my last straw (not the suicide kind, don't have the nerves for that...more the quivering gelatinous mass kind of last straw)

I need help, some way to reach my family. My dad makes fun of me for it (which does not help my depression or anxiety) acting like it's all some sort of massive joke, and my mother practically spits fire at me the idea of my lack of normality enrages her so.

I have a boyfriend that actually comprehends that there is a problem but he's 11 hours away and can't afford to take me away from this right now, and it'll be another 2 or more years until he's got the degree to make enough to pull me away from all this.

Sorry for the really long post, I just...I need some idea as to how to reign this in before the Anxiety itself kills me so I can wait it out. I'd stop smoking but last time I did I spent a week on my floor crying, no sleeping, eating, drinking, restroom use...nothing just sitting on my floor crying because the mix of anxiety and stress broke me completely...

Anyone else been in a situation like this?

Belle

11-14-2009, 07:17 PM

Hi Seiena,
I've been through that stage of total anxiety, isolation, not being able to leave my room, no one understanding, total dispair and the threat of becoming quite suicidal.
You need to decide, will I spend the rest of my life in my room and wait for this to get better? Or will I start to live? Forget trying to get understanding from your folks, your 26 and you can do this by yourself, when people don't understand and you really need the support, it can be really traumatic, so just find the strength at the moment to know you can do this on your own. Start slowly, is there a nearby park you can walk to? Try to get out one step at a time, have you practiced some breathing teqniques? They work, it seems pointless but trust me it does. Maybe try some yoga, anything to lower the stress levels. Find something that will take your mind off what your feeling even for an hour a day, having a pet helped you, is there something you can replace this with? Have you been to the dr for some type of anti-anxiety to get you through the rough stage?
Also identifying what your getting anxious about and work through that. Like are you anxious as soon as you leave your room? Ok, do what you need to do to get out of your room, one step at a time. Like for me, it was sitting at the front of my house, then walking two houses up, then going further and further, do you know what I mean? Don;t think too far in the future, like I need to get a job, it's overwhelming at the moment as you can't even leave your room right now. just start with what you can do to help yourself today.
I'm also sorry about your dog, I know how it is to have a pet, they are so loving and soothing to be with, non judgmental and great company. It's hard to lose something you love and your grief is real.
I hope my post helped alittle?

Also don't be too hard on yourself iykwim. I also wanted to add as a former smoker myself, quitting does help as it makes you feel healthier, clears your head of all the chemicals and helps you breath better. But it does also cause alot of anxiety trying to quit, so you have to be ready and try when your anxiety levels are low again. So don't worry of you can't right now you'll quit when you can :)

dimspace

11-14-2009, 07:33 PM

Seiena

11-14-2009, 08:36 PM

I have a boyfriend that actually comprehends that there is a problem but he's 11 hours away and can't afford to take me away from this right now, and it'll be another 2 or more years until he's got the degree to make enough to pull me away from all this?

Im assuming you are in america, australia etc (on the basis that nothing in britain is 11 hours from anywhere)... I dont know what the situation is there, but certainly in the Uk there are various carers grants, and financial assistances for things like that.. i had a freind over with ME who was able to get a grant to move in with her partner and he received a carers allowance as long as he was caring for her 20 hrs a week or something.. but ive no idea if there is anything like that over there..

it certainly sounds that that is the place you want to be, and would be the best place for you to be..

As far as I know we don't have anything like that, at least not easily gotten onto. I tried Vocational Rehabilitation once and one of the things they demanded was a Psych evaluation (Which was just bad all around because they seemed like a hack not a real Psychologist), application to Disability (which despite it all I was denied because the evaluator 'thought' I didn't need any assistance...and he was not a Doctor, Psychologist, nothing he was just some guy askin' questions and stuff.), and Welfare application for Medical which was denied due to lack of pregnancy....I wish I could find stuff like that but it seems like it's specifically built to drive away people that actually need it in favor of those that know -exactly- what to say.

Robbed

11-15-2009, 02:22 AM

I also wanted to add as a former smoker myself, quitting does help as it makes you feel healthier, clears your head of all the chemicals and helps you breath better. But it does also cause alot of anxiety trying to quit, so you have to be ready and try when your anxiety levels are low again. So don't worry of you can't right now you'll quit when you can :)

I should also add that, regardless of what you might have heard about quitting smoking, you by no means MUST quit cold turkey. In fact, going cold turkey is probably the WORST thing to do if you have anxiety disorder. Try to slowly taper the cigarettes down instead. That way, finally quitting for good will not be nearly as much of a shock to your system. Other people may say that it shows your lack of seriousness about quitting. But if you are getting off antidepressants or benzos, NOBODY advocates cold turkey. So why should you have to go cold turkey with what is widely recognized as one of the strongest addictions out there?

Seiena

11-15-2009, 10:53 AM

Which is why as long as I'm trapped in my parents home I won't quit. My mother's opinion is if we're going to quit we'll just quit. After a lot of thinking...I don't think I can do anything about my anxiety until I get out of here...I can narrow it down to security issues...I adore my parents but they've helped to strip my feeling of security completely.