dontworry
03-07-2006, 06:04 AM
Hi everyone- I finally decided to log on and try to find a forum where people could maybe help. I have been plagued with anxiety for years. I'm a 26 year old girl, with a great job, generally happy... great sense of humor and am very intuitive and smart. HOWEVER, I just have irrational thoughts that I am about to die all the time. It's affecting my life in every way. If I catch myself happy for a minute, I subconsciously suppress it and revert back to the fear that I am dying some horrible disease. I'm most scared of HIV and Cancer, tumors... and I think the underlying issue is that I am scared of dying. I am not a relgious person, never have been, so my mom thinks it might be because I have no faith in my life. But I generally convince myself that at any given moment I am going to flop over and die. It's really really awful and so unfounded. If there is a minor cut on my arm, I am sure it's a lesion from AIDS! Could I have HIV, YEA. I have slept with a lot of men, sometimes unprotected because I have had too much to drink. I have been to doctors and they tell me I am being irrational, but I have always tested negative. I am due for a test, but almost refuse because I am almost certain it will be positive and at which point I don't think I would be able to deal with the emotional turmoil that will follow. Here I start to worry ABOUT worrying!!! It's such a vicious cycle.
I drink a lot, and always have. I'm pretty sure it's self medication. It helps me sleep at night, so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts and worry. I know that alcohol is a depressant and that this is probably not good for me, but it's all I have at this point. I pay attention to every single thing that is going on with my body and convince myself it is linked to something horrible that will kill me. I live in constant fear. I don't really know what to do. And ironically, I get on the internet and self diagnose myself with diseases. According to my medical expertise, I have heptatitis, Aids, a brain tumor, cancer....diabetes, and more. I have had a recurrent yeast infection that comes around my period for almost 8 months now, and of course online, recurrent yeast infections sources articles on HIV infection....so you guys do the math.
I think I am depressed, but I just don't know. Hypochondria? MAYBE, but my fears aren't that unfounded I don't think. I am just having a very hard time finding balance and happiness in my life, the healthy way. For someone so concerned with health and disease, you'd think that my own personal health would be more of a priority... but just continue to drink and eat poorly. And by drink I don't mean, all day, every day... I pretty much have a few glasses of wine a night to "take the edge off" and I go out pretty hard on the weekends.
I have anxiety attacks too, that usually start out of nowhere, I get a very intense burning sensation on the back of my neck and I can't even speak, i just pace around and try to breathe--too nervous to even cry. I start to think about things like the end of the world and the fact that at that moment i might die. It brings me to tears, although I have found deep breathing to help bring me out of the attack. I also pick my fingers to the point of bleeding :( I really am crazy.
I hope this isn't too off the subject of this forum, I just really needed to vent and I just clearly need someone to lend their thoughts, hopefully positive ones. I am really just sad, that's all I can say. Sorry it's so long and weird.
I drink a lot, and always have. I'm pretty sure it's self medication. It helps me sleep at night, so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts and worry. I know that alcohol is a depressant and that this is probably not good for me, but it's all I have at this point. I pay attention to every single thing that is going on with my body and convince myself it is linked to something horrible that will kill me. I live in constant fear. I don't really know what to do. And ironically, I get on the internet and self diagnose myself with diseases. According to my medical expertise, I have heptatitis, Aids, a brain tumor, cancer....diabetes, and more. I have had a recurrent yeast infection that comes around my period for almost 8 months now, and of course online, recurrent yeast infections sources articles on HIV infection....so you guys do the math.
I think I am depressed, but I just don't know. Hypochondria? MAYBE, but my fears aren't that unfounded I don't think. I am just having a very hard time finding balance and happiness in my life, the healthy way. For someone so concerned with health and disease, you'd think that my own personal health would be more of a priority... but just continue to drink and eat poorly. And by drink I don't mean, all day, every day... I pretty much have a few glasses of wine a night to "take the edge off" and I go out pretty hard on the weekends.
I have anxiety attacks too, that usually start out of nowhere, I get a very intense burning sensation on the back of my neck and I can't even speak, i just pace around and try to breathe--too nervous to even cry. I start to think about things like the end of the world and the fact that at that moment i might die. It brings me to tears, although I have found deep breathing to help bring me out of the attack. I also pick my fingers to the point of bleeding :( I really am crazy.
I hope this isn't too off the subject of this forum, I just really needed to vent and I just clearly need someone to lend their thoughts, hopefully positive ones. I am really just sad, that's all I can say. Sorry it's so long and weird.