Lyndsey
10-01-2009, 12:37 PM
I always feel I have a mask on I have been feeling that way for years.
A mask of strength that everything is okay. Like I can keep on smiling when I feel like jumping off a cliff.
Recently my mask is crumbling and my face is beginning to show.
I use to always wear make up to cover up tears, I use to do my hair like a barbie doll to prove to people that I care about myself I look after myself and everything is fine.
Now I just have fear I am more scared of myself than anything else.
I am on happy pills which the doctor gave me.
I am hallucating all the time, seeing my own death over and over again.
apart of me is horrified apart of me just looks at how at peace I am.
I feel disgusting all the time, I feel like I am consently in and out of the doctors nothing helps, Then recently I had a letter through from a psychologist wanting to meet with me.
I went in and sat down I talked about my dad I talked about everything I was so frightened I was shaking all over.
I am scared of silence I am scared of the dark and most of all I am scared of myself.
I advised him that my feeling of killing myself has become a regalur thing but I know that is such a selfish way out and I need to fight it.
I went in to the train station today watching the trains, and now I am praying for buses to crash.
I want the hallcautions to stop I want to get better but its seeming like my improvement is not existing.
My mask has disappeared.
I have a lovely partner who is rocking me intill I fall a sleep for a few hours. who is staying up till 5 in the morning talking to me about silly stuff to make me smile. who is stopping my screams when I see something or someone which really should not be there.
he is helping and he is doing his best.
I have to get my meds looked at soon and I have to go to specialist.
It use to be when I was a blind panic I want to hurt myself I hit my head when I see scary stuff. I would run out.
Now I am just thinking about it everyday because I dont want to live like this anymore. I am a 20 year old having to take pills to make me normal.
I dont mistreat my body I never done weed. I barely drink and I am in this state so early on in life.
I will fight through this I will make it through and I will not give in or give up my life maybe a light will come at the end of the tunnel.
A mask of strength that everything is okay. Like I can keep on smiling when I feel like jumping off a cliff.
Recently my mask is crumbling and my face is beginning to show.
I use to always wear make up to cover up tears, I use to do my hair like a barbie doll to prove to people that I care about myself I look after myself and everything is fine.
Now I just have fear I am more scared of myself than anything else.
I am on happy pills which the doctor gave me.
I am hallucating all the time, seeing my own death over and over again.
apart of me is horrified apart of me just looks at how at peace I am.
I feel disgusting all the time, I feel like I am consently in and out of the doctors nothing helps, Then recently I had a letter through from a psychologist wanting to meet with me.
I went in and sat down I talked about my dad I talked about everything I was so frightened I was shaking all over.
I am scared of silence I am scared of the dark and most of all I am scared of myself.
I advised him that my feeling of killing myself has become a regalur thing but I know that is such a selfish way out and I need to fight it.
I went in to the train station today watching the trains, and now I am praying for buses to crash.
I want the hallcautions to stop I want to get better but its seeming like my improvement is not existing.
My mask has disappeared.
I have a lovely partner who is rocking me intill I fall a sleep for a few hours. who is staying up till 5 in the morning talking to me about silly stuff to make me smile. who is stopping my screams when I see something or someone which really should not be there.
he is helping and he is doing his best.
I have to get my meds looked at soon and I have to go to specialist.
It use to be when I was a blind panic I want to hurt myself I hit my head when I see scary stuff. I would run out.
Now I am just thinking about it everyday because I dont want to live like this anymore. I am a 20 year old having to take pills to make me normal.
I dont mistreat my body I never done weed. I barely drink and I am in this state so early on in life.
I will fight through this I will make it through and I will not give in or give up my life maybe a light will come at the end of the tunnel.