Any clues what I have?

[sm3llyd3c]

This is going to be a long post but I need advice.
I started have irrational worrying and etc when I was about 8 after I heard my parents arguing.
Then when I started secondary school I began having panic attacks. However my panic attacks only had 2 symptoms: Severe Derealization and Hot flushes. This continued, normally having 1 or 2 a week from worrying about stupid things like dying or my family breaking up, Sometimes even daily. Then one night after a canoeing trip (Despite my fear of water) I was sick. Because I'd never been sick in my life, and I was half asleep at the time, I developeda phobia for it which added to my worries. From that day on I constantly worried about being sick just for no reason and making a mess. I carried on going to canoeing however, which was a bad idea because one day (This is in year 9 now) I had a severe panic attack that lasted about half an hour. Half an hour of derealization, trapped in a small canoe in the middle of a reservoir, which was hell. I nearly passed out. I was fine back at shore though, just a little fatigued. Then, the day after. Another panic attack came on. But it was so severe and so lengthy (An hour or 2) that I was fighting back tears and trying to to give into the urge to commit suicide. When I woke up the next day, I felt numb to the world, I felt as if I wasnt in my own body, and that I wasnt emotionally connected ot the world around me. For 2 weeks I wouldnt eat or leave the couch. After this depressive bout I began eating properly but still felt disconnected. This feeling has been with me for 6 months now. Im taking beta-blockers for my heart but I developed a fear to leave the house. Each day I slowly seemed to be recovering but then, a bombshell hit. My parents were splitting and up my mum was moving out. Because of my agoraphobia I cant leave the house so I dont have a choice of where to stay and my mums panic disorder has relapsed too. Also, I have panic attacks on a daily basis, almost always at night, when I start feeling worse. Im now into year 10 so im missing coursework and I cant leave the house for any therapy. Anyone have a clue for what I have? Side note(s): I dont sleep very well as I have mild insomnia and Im starting to feel fed up with my life of panic attacks and anxiety. Also, ive had odd feelings of hating myself and not wanting to be me. Any replies would be nice. Thanks for reading.

[mamascrazy1985]

So for me I have these things where I'm driving to school to pick up my daughter and I am like omg am I so deep on thought how and the hell did I end up here! All these small things.make me feel like I am destin to die early! I have cheat discomfort for 5 months or more off and on I have derealization like I was never there or whatever I have these period when I am forgetfull the list goes on and on and on and its hard not having anyone to talk to because my boyfriend is sick of hearin about it!!! Well ttyl by the way I am 24 and have 2 kids 5 and 14 months

[sm3llyd3c]

I've had really bad memory problems since I went all weird too, if I ate my dinner over half an hour nago, I can't even remember what it was I ate :/

[candystarrstarr]

please dont take this as offence but reading all your posts makes me feel better about my anxiety problems, i mean we are all so stupid lol i mean we all have the exact same syptoms some worse than other but even though we know that they cant harm us we refuse to belive this and carry on thinking we are going to die at any possible moment! i too have cotemplated suicide because i cant bare the wait, i know i am going to die one day but the fact of knowing it could be anytime paincs to hell out of me! so i feel like i just want to get it over and done with! we all feel like we cant control it but the fact that we are trying so hard to control it is making us 10 times worse! from now on i am going to be stronger and i think u should try with me, sm3llyd3c i feel like i just want to give u a cuddle and tell u everything is going to be ok i know how u feel i went through bad anxiety as a child to and i wish to god i could go back in time and tell that little girl that there was nothing wrong i wernt going to die and to just live me life like a normal kid and have fun! i know this all sounds a bit far fetch but i think it'd be great maybe if us 3 in here could just try and support each other see how we get on i'm am feeling really strong and possitive right now and i want to share that with you's? i know i sound a bit mental lol but i am just a normal avarage 25 year old female i am married i work in health care and i enjoy going out with friends, the last year has been really bad for me and my anxiety but i have had enough now and want to turn it around and u can only truly get better i feel by helping urself and having support from others! so i am willing to support u guys if u wpuld like to support me too? and anyone can join in!

[sm3llyd3c]

Ok thanks alot, it's just I wish I knew what I was figthing. Atleast I could read up on it, rather than just reading about general anxiety related stuff. :/ I wish I was a little more positive too, I feel really bad, I used to look forward to sleeping so that I could have a few hours break but now I cant sleep and I have panic attacks whilst im trying to sleep, because somehow I can tell if im getting derealization with my eyes closed :/ Weird. Anyway I will keep updating this and thanks for the support and its nice to know someone is reading.

[candystarrstarr]

i am not a doctor or anything but it dose sound like you suffer from a mixture of depression and general anxiety and social anxiety? about alot of stuff due to stress and worry starting form your parents arguing, its a vicious
circle that starts and the more it goes round the harder it gets, i think u need to identify how why when this all started i.e was ur mum a panicky person also the arguing caused alot of stress, start right from the begining and work ur way up i know its hard right now but u can get better and u need to try be just a little possitive! even if its something like ok today wernt actually that bad yeah i had a panic attack but i got through it! just except the panic dont fight it let urself think the bad thoughts dont fight them just except them it will get easier!

[sm3llyd3c]

I didn't want to put too much detail in because I didn't know the character limit. Oh well. Anyway, my mum had panic disorder which was (apparently) caused by my dad saying some stuff thiat I didnt really want to know about. It was stressful because she didn't want to stay in the same house as him so I had to keep moving around for a while. I would get panic attacks in social situations very often, such as when I offered to be in plays or concerts, in rehearsals I would just feel sick, lock up and start having a panic attack. Also, if I was with more than 2 other people I would become more and more panicky and/or uncomfortable. But mostly, panic attacks come on for no reason. I could just be sitting gaming or reading and suddenly I'll notice the derealization and I'd go into full panic mode. The feelings of hating myself and not wanting to be me started when I started worrying which always concerned me becuase I could understand how I could hate being me. Also, the closer it gets to night, the more prone I am to panic attacks for some reason, and he more panicky/unreal I feel. Although lately because of my family splitting I just feel at my worst the whole time. Tired, unreal, panicky and fed up with my life...

[candystarrstarr]

You are so not alone! my mum also suffered bad panic atacks when i was little i think this has alot to do with my problems, my panic attacks have come out of no where before and i couldnt understand one min i am fine the next i'll be having a full blown attack, anxiety builds up inside us sometimes u dont realise just how much and it comes out sometimes when u least expect it, i have had all different forms of it over the years but its only recently that i am starting to understand it more, night times have always been my worse to i dont know y? i think i remeber being scared on my own as a child in bed panicking all the time plus the waking up for no reason trying to catch my breath i honestly feel like i stop breathing, the more u think into it the worse things become! sometimes i would think i hate to be scared about doing something, then i would keep thinking about it the next thing u know its my new phobia! its crazy but the more u understand the easier it gets, the best thing in the world for me is talking bout it having a cry usually just to my husband who dosent really understand but he trys bless him, i honestly feel helping urself is the best way to start but u just have to try learn how plus lots of support do u not have anyone u can confide in?

[sm3llyd3c]

I actually haven't cried in years, even when relatives or pets died. I just hold it in...

[candystarrstarr]

oh no please dont hold it in no wonder u feel so bad! u need to cry its such a release dont be ashamed to cry when u do let it out it'll be loads but u will feel so much better! :shock:

[sm3llyd3c]

I just dont like the sound of crying, it reminds me of when relatives died and it brings on panic when I hear it

[candystarrstarr]

My advise would be let it! cry it may bring on panic it might remind u of things u'd rather forget, crying is our bodys naturel way of letting go i think u have some deep stuff u really need to let go! People die its unfortunate but it's part of life and how ever much u panic about it there is absoulutly nothing NOTHING u can do to stop it, u just have to learn to except it, what is the point of spending ur whole life not letting ur feelings out u will feel a major release! It will not kill u to cry it may panic u at first but ur get past that u can do just try :)

Also i have tried acupuncher or how eva u spell it lol? this is great for a feeling of release. i too get that weird feeling where i feel like i'm not there or in a dream world but the more and more i read up on everyones comments and internet help i'm feeling so much better i too tiered to carry on with this worry something has to give and i decided to be positive rather than negative all the time and its helping so much!

lot of people on here say magnesium tablets are good, i have lemon balm herbal tablets from holland and barrett they help alot with the panic st johns wart is meant to be good for deppression to, please let me know how ur getting on, i'd like to help u if i can if u'd like me too just a little bit of understanding can go alone way :) if u need to talk me on here anytime just do it dont keep it all to ur self set urself little goals u can do it its just beliving in urself! :D

[sm3llyd3c]

I havent tried any natural medicine or anything. Im just on the beta blockers. I have a book but it doesnt seem to apply to me. I always feel alot better until I start thinking about feeling odd then I cant take my mind off it and it gets worse and worse. I'll try to stay positive, but I need to get over the average line first :/

[candystarrstarr]

This is a very major fact of having anxiety we can feel fine untill the dreaded thoughts pop into our heads! its all about trying to deal with them not letting them over take ur life excepting the thoughts :)

[sm3llyd3c]

Just a quick update. I feel much, much, MUCH worse. I keep having flashes of derealization every few hours or so, I have derealization when I try to go to sleep, ever night. In a bad mood constantly, feel dissociated constantly. Please someone tell me what I have, I started therapy and had to go outside which made me worse, and she just thinks I have anxiety because I was too scared to tell her about all this. I dont want talking therapy. I want pills but my dad is against them. Please I need help.

[candystarrstarr]

You may think talking is no good but it's the best thing u can do just open up at ur own level! meds will not make it go away only cover it over!

[sm3llyd3c]

Another update, feeling even worse than before. Getting weird sensations like im floating when Im trying to get to sleep, feeling like a robot most of the time. Starting to get angry at everything. Feeling less like myself than ever, as if IM a whole new person. Also I keep questioning stupid things like whether Im living in a dream or how time works and things like that that make everything worse.

[RammerJammer21]

I'd say you need to get some medication. How old are you, again? Is it an issue with getting your parents' consent? Does your dad understand the severity of the situation?

[Joseph1]

you sound like me a little. The derealization is the most intense part of the attacks. I want you to KNOW that since I have been on this site, since yesterday I might add, I feel so much more comfortable with this. It's like I know now that I am not alone in these feelings, that other people have had them, and that they are getting through them. I am taking meds now, but have not noticed any effect so far, but I can tell you, the feeling passes slowly. I have been afraid of death since I was 6 years old. I would wake up at night and have these thoughts about my parents dying, and this was followed by a stomach ache that has been with me since,on and off. I think you have Panic Disorder. You dont want to leave the house because you are afriad of it happening again?? I think its like falling in deeper and deeper the more you let it consume you. If you can, try to tell yourself "I'm fine, I'm OK". This happened before and it passed, it will pass again. I know that "strange" feeling you describe, after the attack. Mine didnt last as long as yours, but I am guessing that after an attack like that, the body chemistry and brain are all overloaded. I had never felt depressed until after my worst panic attack. It took weeks, but I got over it by doing what I had to do. I admit, I was talking to my wife about it all the time, very annoyingly, and didnt really beat it myself...my life took over and I came back to "normal". I thought the whole time I was dying. I am afraid, lots, even now, and my heart rate scares me, and I feel a surge on bad days when an attack almost happens, but I defeat it by telling myself that it is a panic attack coming on and it will only happen if I feed the feeling. It is easier said than done, and I fail from time to time. But I think it can only get better, if you WANT to change. I want to live, and I think you do too. The thing about dying, someone told me, is that every human who ever lived before you has gone through it, even those more afraid than you.
It's a matter of telling this thing inside you that you are too busy with life to submit to these feelings. I also like to think about people like Beethoven, or other great people who suffered greatly and overcame through will. That doesnt mean it goes away...but you will either do what needs to be done, or confine yourself to it...and that will only make it worse.

[sm3llyd3c]

I can't have any meds. My dad wont let me cause he thinks Im addicted to my betablockers already. Also, my mum said that they make you worse before you get better and If I get any worse I wont be able to take it. Im 14.

[sm3llyd3c]

Another update, the derealization doesn't come on as often anymore but I feel more like a robot than ever. Completely blank mind, not properly feeling emotions, feeling detached and constatnly in fear of having derealization coming on. keep thinking about things like death and how time works which keeps stressing me out and causeing panic attacks. Also, I keep having odd sensations of happiness where I just want to laugh, which normally subsides within half an hour. still havent been diagnosed, 7 months in now.

[sm3llyd3c]

Had another derealization bout whilst playing a game tongiht, starting to annoy me having to avoid being active to stop them coming on. it wasnt bad though, but my short term memory problems and emotions are annoying me alot too. If I've jsut eaten, I will forget what I ate after about 10 mins. I dont feel any emotions towards people I know, and get angry easily. one of my school friends visited me which thought would bring on a super big panic attack, but I felt a little uplifted, at first. then I just felt dizzy and sick, and I couldnt believe it was happening, whcih bought on the derealization, like whenever something out of the norm happens.

[RammerJammer21]

I can't have any meds. My dad wont let me cause he thinks Im addicted to my betablockers already. Also, my mum said that they make you worse before you get better and If I get any worse I wont be able to take it. Im 14.Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? Sorry if I missed it in the thread.

[sm3llyd3c]

Ive started therapy after 6 months with this (Someone else had just got there before me) but only 1 session, where she jsut asked me about things. I didnt tell her about most of the things, cause there was another person there observing. Shes doing a home visit on 2nd November so I will probably update then with how it went. Maybe I'll FINALLY GET A BLOODY DIAGNOSIS.

[sm3llyd3c]

Sorry for reviving this, but better this than making new posts. Anyway, recently Ive been angry alot. Also, I feel like I dont even recognise who it is when I look in the mirror (well Ive had that all the time but I notice it more now). I only see my mum 1 hour or so a day now cause I wake late and she has to go before my dad gets home cuase they end up arguing, and I get angry with my dad really often. If he asks for a sandwich, he will comment on that I should eat more, then offer about 10 other things beofre going to get it, which frustrates me, often ending in me saying something. Al he has done is spoil me since I got whatever I have, getting me a laptop, a new bass and stuff. Im doing the same thing day in day out, but Ive started worrying again for some reason. I dont get to sleep til my dad wakes up incase he is dead or something. he ahs alot fo health problems and sometimes I hear him saying he dying, which makes me panic. Also, my mum has started smoking and drinking more, and has had a bad cough for months now. Im hoping that my life wont get worse, but from all the things happeing now, I think they will, which scares me alot. As soon as I start to cope with one symptom, it goes away and different one comes on. Im getting tired of life. I need some pills or something but my dad doesnt want me too, cause he thinks that my mum is addicted to them. Sorry about bad spelling, but I really couldnt care less at the moment.