Anxiety around my boyfriend.

[Beckee]

Hi, this will get very long so I'll understand if you get bored halfway through.

I'm 18 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for about 13 months now. It's been a very intense, close relationship and we've been very passionate about each other from the start. Therefore, it confused me a great deal when I started getting involuntary negative thoughts about him a couple of months ago. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and the fact that I was thinking them depressed me even more, as I had absolutely no intention of ending the relationship and the guilt was unbearable. It felt as though there was a voice at the back of my mind saying "What if you don't love him? What if everything you say and do is just a pretence?" and I'd plead with it to go away until I couldn't even speak for crying. It felt like I'd lost control of my mind and I thought I was going crazy (I’d shake uncontrollably and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t in charge of my own thoughts). I also had this bizarre feeling where everything seemed surreal and I couldn't really differentiate between what I'd dreamt and what was reality.

I reluctantly explained to my boyfriend that I was having some problems, terrified of spoiling what we had but he was very supportive. However, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that the anxiety was focused on him and I don’t think anyone who has never suffered with anxiety or depression could possibly understand how devastating it is (I know I couldn’t have understood before this happened). So he’d just hold me while I’d cry hysterically until I got it all out of my system. It didn’t go away but after crying I felt like I could handle it more.

I saw a doctor, who prescribed me with anti-depressants and after a few weeks I started to feel great. I don't know if they worked chemically or whether it was psychological but it was such a relief I didn't care. My relationship didn't suffer and I felt just like I had done for the past year. So I stopped taking the medication (probably due to my naivety around the whole situation).

Unfortunately, the feelings came back about a week and a half ago. I had a huge surge of panic and couldn’t breathe properly and above all I was absolutely heart broken that I hadn’t stayed happy. I started taking the medication again but so far it hasn’t kicked in (I know I need to give it more time). This time around hasn’t been quite as severe because I know I’ve got over it before, however, I still spend most of my time alone crying, trying to control my breathing or being severely paranoid.
I just wondered if anyone has a similar problem? Not that I would wish this on anybody, but it would be comforting to know that I’m not the only one. One thing that does confuse is why my anxiety if focused on one specific area of my life (the only one I was really happy in), as I was under the impression that sufferers became anxious about many different things. I’m not sure if this has any relevance but I have a mentally handicapped brother who is very difficult to live with and a lot of my close family suffer with OCD and depression.

I’m trying to handle it alone this time- I had a bad experience with a doctor, who seemed to think it was “all superficial” (in his words), I’m guessing because I didn’t have a physical wound to show him. Anyway, this put me off talking to anyone who doesn’t know first hand what this is like. I don’t think any amount of medical expertise can compare with personal experience. I’ve created things like a “happy playlist” on my ipod, with songs that couldn’t possibly upset me (when I’m at my worst I even panic about some song lyrics- ridiculous, I know) and I’ve been researching some natural remedies. I’m just getting pretty desperate to get this out of my life completely, I suppose. I’m about to start university in 2 weeks and I want to go there happy, healthy and with a clear head.

Thanks very much for reading, I know that was very long. It did feel good to put it into words though.

Beckee

[light99]

I am not really in a position to give advice on most of what you posted, but I just wanted to comment about the doctor blowing you off.

Unfortunately, this is the norm, I've found. Especially with general practitioners who aren't as experienced. Those doctors that have worked a rotation or two at a mental health facility generally seem to understand a lot more, but those are rare. Best thing to do is to keep trying different doctors...I've found in my decades of seeing a myriad of doctors that they come in 3 categories...

1) The kind that blow you off or think your symptoms are "all in your head" and won't help you at all.

2) The kind that don't really care what you think, but take your symptoms as fact but then just push a ton of pills at you as their own solution

3) The kind that will actually listen to what you have to say and diagnose you on THAT SPECIFICALLY. Like say you have anxiety, but it's limited to a certain condition or short-term, in which case he or she might prescribe a short-acting medication....instead of just throwing 3 different types of anti-depressent meds to "FIX" everything from anxiety to depression to bi-polar to OCD to....well you get the point. (see #2)

Keep looking for #3 unit you find one.

Light99

[Beckee]

Thanks a lot for replying :)

I will keep looking (although I said I'd been put off talking to doctors, when the medication runs out I won't have much choice). Like you say it's probably difficult to find a general practitioner with sufficient experience in mental health.

I suppose it's worth going through a few that blow you off to get to one that actually understands...

Beckee

[danstelter]

This is really a difficult process to go through, and you should be commended for taking the initiative for getting out there and trying to fix what isn't right, especially at the age of 18. I cannot really say either what this might be, but I would recommend to continue to see whatever professional it is that you need to see (don't limit yourself to doctors, consider also counselors, psychiatrists, or psychologists) until you feel that someone has given you a diagnosis that you believe is right. The process can really test your patience and be incredbily difficult, but keep in mind that you are the expert on you, and if someone isn't doing what you believe is best to do for you, then go see someone else who will help you. Good luck and keep us updated as you go through this difficult process!

[hesson81]

I can totally understand what your going through, I think there is a lot people on this board that have had bouts of anxiety towards the significant other. I have gone through this as well. Sounds like your pretty happy with the person your with. That's good.

I think your someone who is determined to get through this. I think if you take care of the real problem you'll see a major change in the way you feel and the way you think. I know exactly what it's like to feel like your going crazy.

When a fire is burning, the flames are hot. Those flames don't feel so well. So you do what you can as a human to make it feel better, often times what we do is spray mist at the flames, and this tend to cool the heat down a little. We have a perception that things are feeling better. Once you run out of mist the flames gets hotter. As we go through life the fire spreads. Not only does it get hotter but it get's bigger. We spray more mist at the flame. Untill one day it gets so bad, that you learn that you have to spray at the base of the fire. Once you do that the heat just stops, you control the fire.

I'm glad that your going through these things at 18 because as you get older it requires more work. So this is something you can totally put behind you. The only thing i want to touch up on, is don't be afraid to face the things that truely bothers you, even if you don't want that to be the problem. Sometimes it's hard becuase at times, things that make you feel so good, can be so bad for you.

Your doing good.

[Beckee]

Thank you all for the encouragement, it definitely helps me to feel more positive. It's really nice to know that people understand and are willing to listen.

I can relate to the flames analogy, especially as I got worse when I came off the medication. I think I was too eager to get back to normal, but I know now that I need to get to the root of the problem.

Beckee