View Full Version : Irrational?
02-25-2006, 04:54 PM
I just joined this forum today. I have had anxiety my entire life.
However, it really didn't effect my life until about 10 years ago (I am 34)
It started with Flying and terminal illness and now it has gone to terrorism.
I usually go through a cycle. 1. Start worrying about something. 2. Focus on it until my work and personal life suffers 3. Get a good result (cancel a trip, get a medical test, etc.) 4. Happiness for about a week. 5. Repeat the process.
Recently I decided not to go on an all expense paid Disney cruise because of my fear of terrorism. I lost about 1,500.00 because of it. Once I told my boss I couldn't go, I became happy for one week until I did the next stupid thing.
I went to a massage parlor. I didn't realize it was a parlor of 'ill repute' until the end of the massage (good part of town, nice inside, etc.)
Well, at the end of the massage, the girl asked me if I wanted a 'happy ending'. I completely freaked, because about 7 minutes after she left the guy she 'gave a happy ending to' before me, she massaged my leg, which I had just got a cut that was bleeding. So of course, after turning her down for the happy ending, my mind started racing.
What if she still had some sperm on her hands, and then massaged the cut, and the guy before me had HIV, etc.
I have talked to several experts on aidsmeds.com and other M.D.s, and they said it was impossible to get it that way becuase, HIV dies within seconds outside of the body, but I can't stop focusing on it. In fact no one in the history of HIV has gotten that way, but my work is suffering because I can't stop thinking about it.
I know it is irrational.
I just wish I had some escape from this pain.
02-25-2006, 08:12 PM
Hi Knowimcrazy - I can sooo relate to being scared of disease, especially HIV. I still am, but not like I use to be. You poor thing - that's terrible about the massage parlor being shoddy.
I understand your worry about the cut on your leg and the thought of possible transmission. I know you're scared. I remember one time I used a public bathroom and I had a cut on my finger and used that hand to open the stall door, (which I still to this day usually use my shirt or something to cover my hand), well, I freaked out for about two weeks thinking I possibly caught something, especially HIV, and could not stop agonizing and analyzing. I knew and know it's irrational, but the scary thoughts kept coming :shock: !!! As the medical experts say, the virus is very, very vulnerable and that type of transfer is impossible.
I hope this helped. I'm sending you calming thoughts :) .
By the way you're not crazy!
02-26-2006, 04:47 AM
Thank you, Soshy, that really helps.
What is this about congnitive therapy? Should I talk to my therapist about it?
02-26-2006, 07:35 AM
Hey KIC - Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type therapy that uses positive reinforcement for people who have anxiety, phobias and/or panic attacks for the most part. It really focuses on your fear and how to stop it. It comes from behavior modification with some analytical techniques from the therapist.
In my experience, the therapist becomes a teacher/mentor and you have to practice mental exercises as outlined and guided by the therapist. There is a lot of positive self-talk included and baby steps towards fears which changes our bad habits.
You may be receiving it already. It is the recognized therapy for our type of problems. Yeah, ask your therapist if that's what he/she is doing.
If you have the opportunity to go more often, take it, because to conquer fear you have to use the tools you learn on a daily basis and by going weekly to therapy it makes you do it. If I didn't go weekly or biweekly it wouldn't have worked because it broke the cycle of worry. The other thing is when we do have a break from anxiety we just thank god and are so relieved to have some peace, but that's also when it is so very important to do our "homework" while we are in a rational state so that we can take ourselves back to a calm state the next time we are anxious.
Another thing that really helps is benzodiazepines on an as-needed basis, maybe along with an SSRI (Paxil, Zoloft, etc...). I still take Klonopin when needed. It really helps stop a panic cycle, of course along with positive self-talk :) .
Did any of that make sense :unsure: ?
Let me know, and I hope you are having a better day - soshy
02-27-2006, 07:17 AM
I am really having a bad day today :cry:
I can't let this HIV scare go. Even though everyone keeps telling me I had no risk and don't need to test, I can't get it out of my mind. Additionally, to get any relief, I have to wait 3 months to test to be 100% sure, even though everyone thinks I am crazy.
How do you guys get a thought out of your head once it is in there? How do you focus on work and other things you know you need to in your lives?
02-27-2006, 08:25 AM
Hey there Kic - You poor thing. I know exactly what you are going through. The anxiety won't stop and you keep analyzing the facts and running the scenario over and over again; and saying, "But what if?" I know how scary that it is when that horrid feeling comes over you as the fear hits.
I know it's hard or impossible to fathom right now the idea that you are going to be ok. You are physically ok and this 'incident" was a "trigger" that started this cycle of anxiety - That's all it is. I know you are worried, but this is a cycle of fear and nothing more, as terrifying as it is. You're ok sweetie and believe me I know exactly how you feel cause I've went through this HIV scare a few times and it was so hard to stop the thoughts. It's natural to worry, but we don't stop and then it becomes irrational, but the fear is real, the thoughts are wrong.
When I use to get myself worked up over something I use to do something that is very helpful to calm down. I also did this when I escalated over an HIV scare with a patient.
What I do is tell myself that for five or ten minutes I'm not going to worry about "the current fear", but after the time limit I can worry as much as I want, but during the "off" time period I will not worry. I keep repeating that, and then I figure out what I will focus on for the "off" time. I usually picked something that took a little planning as was fun to think of - redoing/redecorating a room; a home project. I had my "off thought" ready before I started the clock. Once I started the clock if I went back to the "worry" I use to say aloud or in my head "STOP!" and force the "off thought" back into my head, knowing that when the clock stops I can worry as much as I want. Repeat as necessary.
This really helped me. I use to practice this even when I wasn't anxious but differently - nothing fearful was involved. I was able to train my mind to stop thinking about something and when the clock was up I usually didn't want to think about the other thing anyways.
I feel so bad for you :( . I hope this helps. You're going to be ok and this will pass :console: .
02-27-2006, 09:14 AM
You are a great person and what you are telling me really helps.
I very much appreciate your compassionate words and I will try the exercises.
If there is anyway I can help you let me know.
02-27-2006, 09:44 AM
Aw, gee...thanks, Kic. I just want you to feel better.
I could use some help with this doily I'm crocheting. Should I go with buds, circles or squares? I don't know what I'm doing. It's starting to look like an old dirty worn out sock....hehehe. My therapist recommended this for my depression. She's trying to get me out of my bed (my beloved sanctuary).
My grandmother use to crochet bedspreads and tablecloths :shock: !
I think I'm starting to feel old and dumb!
ttyl - soshy
02-27-2006, 12:24 PM
I would go with the buds. They are the most interesting.
How long have you been crosheing? sp?
02-27-2006, 02:11 PM
Well, buds it is :D ! I've been crocheting on and off since a kid. Grandma taught me. I've always dabbled in art and I'll do it while watching tv or on the phone. I like to fiddle with things. Helped a lot with the anxiety when I was real bad.
I use to crochet bikinis a long time ago for my friends; they really liked them and the guys enjoyed the show :blink: !!! hehehe.
ttyl - soshy
02-28-2006, 10:51 AM
That is awesome. Bikinis! I can only imagine.
Did they cover the body enough?
02-28-2006, 11:11 AM
Well...no one got a ticket for lewd or indecent exposure as far as I know :unsure: . lol
ttyl - soshy
03-01-2006, 09:45 AM
you should put some of ur art up on here. Id love to see your drawings :D
Dont feel you have 2, but it would be cool to see the inspirations of a anxious mind like mine!
lol, crocheting bikinis! I'm sorry I missed that post before haha.. I wanna see what they look like!
oh, and yeah.. lets see your art too (not to put any pressure on you or anything) :tongue:
03-01-2006, 10:19 AM
Well, I rarely show my art. I have a few that I've framed, but I never say there mine. Too embarrassing/SA :blush: and I like to hear the raw truth when people comment...it's interesting.
I haven't crocheted a bikini in years and don't plan on it. What some of the girls wear now on the beach covers less than my stitch work :o !
You guys go first, that is if you want to, exhibiting - no bathing suits tho :tongue: !
03-02-2006, 02:23 PM
Well last night something weird happened to me and it was similar to what people experience when they are paraniod about illness as descrbed in many posts above.
I got this crazy idea that my friend had spiked my drink with a pill. Now my friend would never do this...but he and his girl friend got pissed off with me cos i drove to the pub and wasnt drinking ( i just love watching football in the pub---good atmosphere) I thought up that they had done it to get me back for not drinking. I wasnt even fine when i got home. I was thinking i was spiked and kept saying it in my head. I also started freaking out about all kinds of stupid things that hadnt seemed like a problem until i was having a panic attack!
I tried readin the forum but i was too far gone to find a distraction like this usefull. So i went to bed and played my relaxation CD and did my breathing exercises. It sort of helped but it took a very long time to calm down. Today I havnt felt nearly as bad, but im still probably 3/10 anxious. All week it has been this way, and Im sure it will pass. Just not sure when!
thanks for listening...just had to get that off my chest.
03-02-2006, 08:04 PM
Hey Scat - so sorry to hear you went through that. I know how it is to get paranoid about something and snowball yourself into panic. It really stinks :( !
Hope you're feeling better - soshy
06-04-2008, 04:28 AM
Soshy - that's a really good metaphor! (snowballing youself into panic). It fits worry/anxiety really well!
Once a worry enters my head, thinking will just make it worse and worse....playing out the worst outcomes, and deeply fearing that they will happen.
And KnowImCrazy, I get exactly the same thing. I get worried about getting pregnant a lot. In fact, this month I haven't had sex, but am still getting worried sick about the possibility, just in case any pre-stuff touched me. But it didn't! >_>' I feel ridiculous, but the fact remains, that I have this irrational worry - and it can be about anything - that I can't seem to will myself out of.
It doesn't take me to any extremes (e.g. full blown panic attacks) but I am in this state ALL the time! Wherever I go, whatever I do, this is always milling away in the back of my mind.
I do try and keep my chin up though ^_^
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