spouse makes anxiety worse

[CindyE]

I think I'd still have some issues, but not nearly as severe, if it weren't for my spouse of 22 yrs. He can be a great guy, we are practically soul-mates at times, but he has issues, too, and sometimes makes them worse with alcohol. Lately he has been in that pattern, and it is so hard for me. The guy I thought I could trust and depend on doesn't come home until the wee hours, wastes money, acts like a kid, breaks promises, etc. I think people at his work are starting to figure it out, too. Anyone else have something like this that fuels their anxiety? I've been doing really well, except for this. It is hard for me to do the things I need to do to get well, when I am so worried about this situation. :evil:

[mamascrazy1985]

Omg my boyfriend is a total butt head! He doesn't believe that anxiety can just stay and not go away I have so many symptoms its rediculous I had another child a year ago and I never had anxiety before that so I'm guessin post partum started it! Well he works 8 to 8 everyday except wed and sun and when he is home he does what he wants and that's it I get practically no help at all! Then a week he wants to put the baby to sleep for me and rarely but sometimes change a diaper but if I am so lucky to sleep in he wakes me if she does a number two! I have another child that started school so I have that extra stress too! I am on the search for a psych. But I won't take meds cause I'm scared of the effects only because I am responsible for my children cuz he's never there! I don't know what advice to give you sorry

[mg1980]

Hi Cindy and Mama,

Cindy,

I often find myself doing the same things as your spouse, and it can not only be difficult on you, it most p´robably is on him, trying to speak with him may be difficult but it really is the best way.

My advice would be to try and approach him in a way that he is not completely wrong to avoid him putting up a barrier, but point out some good andsome bad and offer solutions.

I appreciate you may feel this will be helping him more than you, but it may have some greatreprocussions for you if you can work together to prevent this behvaior and then you can go on to ask his assistance for helping you.

It sounds like you are good for each other and remeber you 2 must foight the world, not each other.

Check the link in my Sig, maybe you will find some useful information there and even a natural product that could be good for you both.

I wish you both all the best

[CindyE]

Hi Cindy and Mama,

Cindy,

I often find myself doing the same things as your spouse, and it can not only be difficult on you, it most p´robably is on him, trying to speak with him may be difficult but it really is the best way.

My advice would be to try and approach him in a way that he is not completely wrong to avoid him putting up a barrier, but point out some good andsome bad and offer solutions.

I appreciate you may feel this will be helping him more than you, but it may have some greatreprocussions for you if you can work together to prevent this behvaior and then you can go on to ask his assistance for helping you.

It sounds like you are good for each other and remeber you 2 must foight the world, not each other.

Check the link in my Sig, maybe you will find some useful information there and even a natural product that could be good for you both.

I wish you both all the best
yeah, I've tried the unconditional love, trying to talk calmly etc, but it is hard when he is either drunk or hungover. I know the nagging stuff doesn't work. Still, he is very hard to talk to. I tried a letter once, but he just threw it away and didn't read it. When he's drunk he gets mad or doesn't listen, and hungover, he gets grouchy and mad, and uses it as an excuse to drink again, and then I end up even more upset. I get so tired of him doing stuff that is destructive to him, me and our marriage. When things are going good, I often let him know how much I appreciate it and enjoy being with him. Hopefully he's just about reached the end of this latest cycle. I have even asked my therapist if I'm handling this OK, and he says I'm doing the right things, but I haven't talked to him about these latest adventures. I really try not to focus too much on hubby when I'm at therapy, because I know I can't change him, but I think I need to talk about him this next time.
I was going to go on about his latest crap this weekend, but deleted it. It's hard to believe, anyway!
I always said I never wanted a marriage like my parents, dad drinking, bi-polar mom screaming, crying, or being a martyr, but at times, this one resembles it. Ugh. In one week, it will be the 12th anniversary of my dad's death, at 64, probably from drinking too much. That always sucks, too.

[hesson81]

OMG, yea My Girl friend (also mother of my two kids). Her and my kids went home to her parents for a couple of weeks, and I find that I'm not talking to her, because she really bothers me. Although lots of things bother me right now, which is why I Think i have developed this panic/anxiety disorder.

She has some issues, just like your spouse, and us, we all have something going on in there. The thing that erks me the most, is she's not willing to put herself under a microscope. I feel right now that if she doesn't fix some of the things that erk me, than I won't get fixed. Trust me, not trying to change her person, rather change some of the things i see happening with my kids. She has to go more in the direction of finding an effective way of parenteing. It's putting tremendous strain on the the relationship. Right now her two options are to find help, or we have to split. My demands aren't enreasonable... Don't yell at them every 10 mintues, instead of gold fish crackers for a snack how bout some fruit....sometimes..ect... Her response is, "I do what I can"... I do know how hard it is to be a mother. She just has real low standards.

[CindyE]

My hubby is away for a few days for work. although I miss the good hubby, it's been peaceful. His calls have been strange, i think he's probably drinking in the evening. I'm already having anxiety about him coming home, and getting drunk. He won't get help either, or looks in the wrong places. Talking to someone in a bar about your problems, and then going on and doing the same things you always did, won't fix anything! It's sad, because it could be so much better. I can see how your GF and kids could make your anxiety worse. I have a stepdaughter with 2 young kids, and I get sick just thinking about them coming here to visit. like you said, low standards, just like the standards my hubby had for her when she was growing up. Maybe her kids wouldn't be so hyper if they ate something nutritious once in awhile, and had some proper discipline. Instead, she wants to blame it on ADD, etc. I don't know how I'm going to get thru another holiday visit with them, sometimes we go see them, I always push for that. I told my couselor we have to talk about that before the holidays.

[hesson81]

Hey Cindye,

I have read more of what you posted. When you go to the therapist I would really try and focus on the things that do bother you. That's What it's for, even though the session is about you and you don't want to focus on him because the session is not about him. Do it any way, because he is who you are. He does effect you. I have noticed a lot focus on the drinking, alcohol, and hang overs. Though this is bad for him, it seems to be effecting you more. I'm sure this is becuse you love him so much and you don't want him to hurt himself.

Let's just hypothetically say that the alcohol is not negatively effecting him. Go to the therapist and let him know about your frustration with your hubby, everything that bothers you. He may be able to help you fix you. He might be able to pick your brain about someone that was in your past that may be similar to your husband, and the things that were happening to that person were bad as a result of alcohol.

As miniscule as you think your past may be, it leaves an imprint in the sub concious like no other. Which is part of what makes you what you are.

My frustration with my girlfriend is not that she yells at them, and feeds them crackers all day long instead of fruit. That is why they don't behave for her. However, the reason why it bothers me, is because it reminds me of my mother. The way I felt in my mothers presents growing was not good. It put an imprint in me clear up to my age now. Two months ago I didn't think so. I thought I over came and endured the things that happened with her. I know that I didn't, and my kids are the trigger.

Sorry for the repetative you's. It's hard to use effective communication when talking about anxiety/deppression, because it is about you. It's not a bad thing though.

I'm finding that anxety/depression is like finding a career, knowing is half the battle.

[j1991]

My mom has always been great with my anxiety, but she also has anxiety issues. Sometimes things shes says or does really set me off and sometimes just even being around her. It makes me feel awful. :(

[CindyE]

I did talk to the therapist about all this yesterday, didn't really get any answers or advice yet, it was only my 4th visit, so i guess he's still gathering info and getting to know me. Hopefully eventually he will help me with it.
Oh yea- my mom can set me off too, she is bi-polar and has anxiety. She is better now than when i was younger, or maybe it's me that's mellowed! still, i don't visit with her much, mostly e-mail.
My stepdaughter- an e-mail or call from her immediately causes waves of panic to wash over me. I'm glad she doesn't live close by, but when she and her kids and BF do come, they stay overnight, sometimes longer. i honestly don't know how i'm going to cope next time, w/o acting psycho! hmmmm...maybe that's the answer!

[hesson81]

I know exactly how you feel, it's the worst feeling in the world. thinking that a future experience is going to make you loose your mind.

Today I have completed my 5th session with a coucilor. One thing that she was able to remind me of today, is that there are things that I do have control of, and other things that i don't. Lot's of anxiety set in for me because of a feeling of loosing control, not over myself, but as simple as a situation. I want so bad for something in my house to be a certain way (not OCD, more like the diet of my children). When I don't see it happen, or when i gain a feeling of hopelessness that it's not going to happen, it doesn't make me feel good. I have to learn that I'm not going to have control over everything. Other things I have to learn to just not let bother me, i have to learn which things I can control.

With your husband and your mom, i would never recomend breaking a marriage or relationship with a close family member, but for a while maybe you can find a way to detach, and see how you feel. It's kind of a proccess of illimination. This might also mean changing your habbits. On the day's you know your hubby is going to come home in a state that's going to bother you, maybe you should just not be there. This would be hard if it's three in the morning. For a while though, detaching my be key, not to run away or to escape, but to really see what makes you feel good/bad.

In talking to my dad about my home life, that actually is sparking not so good memeory's of my past. He is telling me that fixing my environment and making it better for me and my kids might be what has to happen. It's so black and white. I had to remind him that I'm the one having panic attacks and Anxiety. Not my kids. So I hate to say it but I'm going to, I don't want to take a crash axe to something that needs a scaulpal. In doing this I have to see why I'm so bothered by the things around me. Though I do think I inevitibally am going to end my relationship with my girlfriend some how.

Pysco babble is Pysco Babble, but my Girlfriend and mother are very similar, and it's typical to want to be in a relationship with someone similar to a person you once knew. Especially if this person was abusive. I want so bad to fix the problems I had with my mom through my Girlfriend. I know that's i'm not, but what i thin is going to happen, is this. I'm going to take care of the underlying issues that I (not her) have, and i think once i accomplish this, I will be able to drop my girlfriend like a hot patatoe. The thought of doing this is so hard. Not because I'm in love with her, because I'm not. I think i'm scared of not fixing my past. Every day that i stay in this relationship, i have the chance at fixing my past. It's not going to happen like that. I can't fix my past, i can only face, and come to terms with my past, and understand that it wasn't me, i didn't have control of it back then (because I didn't know how), and put it behind me. That will probably fix the way i deal with things today...

I really hope that My situation is not similar to yours, but I hope your able to look deep with in and maybe find something that you can come to terms with, which will make you feel better today, again even if you think it's miniscule, it might not be.

[CindyE]

Sometimes I feel like I will have to get divorced eventually. All i really want is a stable, peaceful life with him, and whatever storms come, face them together. Doesn't seem too much to ask, does it?
I've thought about the detachment thing, leaving if he's drunk. I used to even keep an overnight bag packed and in my vehicle. But I never could get the energy to do it in the middle of the night. I'd have to go to a motel, I don't have any close friends here, and don't want to get family in the middle of it. Then he'd be resentful and refuse to go to any family stuff.
I'm starting to remind myself of my mom, and i hate it. maybe she got that way from my dad drinking, who knows. i feel like such a negative, bad person lately, and don't want to be around anyone. that's one thing different from my mom, she'd bitch if nobody came and visited her often, and i sure didn't want to, because she always seemed to try to pick a fight. i usually hope nobody does come here, even if i do like/love them! i used to be negative when i was young, probably because i lived with so much of it, then i got better and was usually able to find things in life to appreciate and be happy about. i still do, but not as much. just really tired of it all and want it to get better. Wanna hear something bizarre my mom did when i was a teen? i had a friend spend the night for the first time, and when we got home, there's this drawing of a headstone, with my mom's name on it, and it says "was born nothing and will die nothing". she has gotten help finally. i hate to say, but she kinda was better after dad died, although she still has relapses, or whatever. it's all so dysfunctional, and i never realized it was all that bad when i was young, seemed most of my friends came from alcoholic homes too!
i was getting upset earlier, because he isn't home and didn't answer his cell, and i figured he might be drinking. now i found out he's gathering stuff for our roof project, and his battery went dead. but when i came home, the house was all unlocked, no note, and after awhile i started to have anxiety. what a waste of an evening, for me.
To top it off, my mom and my daughter want me and my sis to have lunch with them tomorrow. that might be fun, or not, depending on if mom talks about negative depressing stuff or is difficult to get along with. oh, well, it's just a couple hours, can't be that bad, i guess!

[hesson81]

I would say that's the point of beging married. It's a union, and that union is there for eachother till death do you part... So no it's not to much for you to ask...

Did you know your dad that much?? I'm not sure when he past away?? Councilor had nothing to say about that?? If you did know him how close was your relationship??

[CindyE]

i was real close to dad when i was young, we went fishing, car races, horse stuff, etc. I was a tomboy, so i was his buddy for awhile, more than my brother, who is kind of a sissy, i guess. he started drinking heavily when i was in high school, was mean a few times, and we weren't as close. but later, i came to accept how he was, and in some ways, we are a lot alike. he was a good man, just lost the battle with alcohol. it's a shame. he kept getting worse, and said he was sick, and it was too late. then my mom found him dead in the chair one day. he really didn't look unhealthy. not exactly sure what he died of, but years of alcohol abuse probably took their toll. it was 12 yrs ago, or will be, this Monday. He was 64, the same thing happened to a friend of ours, and he was only 48. Got depressed, sick, wouldn't quit, lost his job, and then hubby found him in his chair, too!
I've only had 4 visits with my counselor, and we seem to keep bouncing around to different subjects. I'm sure we'll get into it more, his (the counselor's) dad was also an alcoholic. My counselor has anxiety, bad for him, but helpful for me.

[hesson81]

hey cinde. I was on the forum a couple of days ago, though I was on my laptop in a coffee shop, I spent amost 30 mins writing a reply, and The internet dropped. I didn't have the energy to repost. Here in the next couple of days I'll try and repost my thoughts, though i think a forgot a couple of them. They were thoughts relating to your senerio.

I'm so happy that your finding help, because I feel like once you find the nitch of what's going on it will be easy for you to battle through it. I'm confident you'll reach a conclusion.

[CindyE]

Bummer, too bad your reply got lost! But thanks for all your input, I appreciate it. This weekend has had lots of ups and downs so far. Anxiety has not got the best of me yet, but it's been rough. Arguing with the hubby, and then just when I think maybe we are headed in the right direction, he takes off again for the bar. I guess it's a step in the right direction that we have talked about both of us having issues quite a bit today, but he is not ready to seek help for his. Yesterday there were people here, because we re-roofed half of our house. So 2 guy friends were helping hubby, and the wives were here too. I am not real good at entertaining, it makes me stressed, but we had a decent time and I did not feel real uncomfortable around them. It was not the first time I've been around them, but didn't feel like we were real friends. So that is different for me, to have time with the girls, and actually enjoy it! Seems like we all are having issues in our marriages. It was kinda nice just to vent about it, and not get advice, or someone saying stuff like "well, you just need to leave", "i wouldn't put up with that", etc. I was sad to hear one of the guys has some serious health problems, and it makes me a little angry at hubby, for abusing his health, when he should be so thankful. i seldom make time for friends, and i don't know if that will ever change, but i did enjoy them yesterday. I made lunch and dinner for everyone, and the one gal that was here first, helped.
My lunch with my mom, sis and daughter went OK, except it seemed my mom would never quit talking about my brother, who lives with her. It is almost like they are a couple "we" this, etc., definitely not healthy. I had stomach issues before and after, hmmmm...

[CindyE]

...oh, and on my way hone from the counselor last week, i got pulled over for speeding! Talk about panic attack! Luckily I just got a warning!