can you develope this?

[thesleepofreason]

SORRY TO POST THIS IN BOTH FORUMS, BUT I REALLY BADLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT....PLEASE!

hi, new. sorry this post is so long--


so, it seems that i am developing some sort of onslaught of varied agoraphobia.
i have been dealing with a lot of changes in my life over the last few months--changes that have left me UTTERLY depressed and just generally messed up.
i think the best discription is that i am a car-crash of a human being lately.

anyway, i've been seeking treatment for the depression. i am hooked up with a shrink (is that a derrogatory term?) and i have been recently prescribed meds.

during the intake session, we lightly touched on my fear of crowds.

it's been a life-long thing. i am an artist, a loner, INFP personality *i tested 89% introverted--wow*
i've always had a pretty accute fear of...like being in front of a crowd, giving speeches or presentations, and i generally avoid being in large crowds.
i've always considered it more philosophical than phobic--

that is, a large group in public just seems like the loneliest place in the world to me--an ocean of people all acting like they dont notice each other. sad...makes me feel awful to be there.

so i've always generally eschewed being around places like that, and if i have to go, it was usually an in-and-out asap type thing...

well...since i've fallen into this seemingly death-trap of a pit of depression, i have noticed that fear becoming more and more prevalent--so much so that i become a sort of generalized angry at everyone i see--like overtly defensive to the point of actually being OFFENSIVE--

like "what are you looking at?!"
i mean, of course i dont say it, i only think it--
i get really paranoid about why someone would say "hi" or even look at me. i think i have a scowl on all the time.
i realized this last week when i was at the library...

since november i have really avoided going outside...i am in college and i've not been to school in 2 weeks...

mostly i only leave if i have to go to the store. i live alone and NEVER have company...ever.

the reason i am writing this is because i havent left the house since tuesday--i left that day ONLY to get my new medication then came home.

before that--the last time i had left the house was the previous tuesday for my intake session.

i thought at first i was just trying hard to be "in my happy zone"...my haven where i control things.

i noticed that i've become increasingly concerned about coving the windows and keeping light out (if light can come in, then someone could see in, too. i really dont want that.)

i NEVER answer my phone and get really paranoid if i get calls from numbers i dont know....i dont answer but check online with reverse phone search services to see who was calling.

and, finally, tonight really has we wondering what's going on.

after a LONG period of thinking about it, i decided i was hungry for a hamburger. i really really hesitated going out to get one (drive through ONLY of course)...but eventually i thought " you know what? you are sad and miserable. you OWE it to yourself to go get a burger...it'll be a treat."
so i went but the place was close. i decided since i was out, i'd hit walmart to buy stuff i need.

while i was there, i got really flustered and anxious to leave. i hurried very much to my car and sped home.

i had every plan to go to campus to discuss my issues with the health services, but as i drove home so fast from the store, i was like "ok, body, chill out, we're almost home--i promise not to leave again for a long time."

when i was here, i locked up the door tightly and started to relax.

i avoid turning the lights on because i dont want people outside to see the light on through the window. if i have to turn one on, i quickly do what i need then quickly shut it off.


at the store, i got really dizzy and felt lightheaded.


i dont normally have panic attacks...i think i've had just a few and all recently.


so....what the heck's going on with me?? i'm 25 and all this is new to me.

thank you all in advance. sorry for the length.

[soshy]

Hi Thesleepofreason, and welcome to the Anxiety Forum. You sound a lot like me. I can really relate to what you said. I'm coming out of a "Life Car-Crash" too. Most everything important to live normally (work, home, car) was completely removed and/or interrupted. Which left me in a state of shock which turned into depression. I've always lived alone and have had few visitors cause my home is my safe zone. I always do the visiting. I'm a loner too, but I still like to visit with my friends - not everyday!

Besides all of that, I have suffered from Social Phobia for years; though, I am soooo much better now. Sometimes things still bother me. I will pull the shades down cause I start to feel a little paranoid and a little mad about people looking at me; almost as if by them looking at me they are insulting me - weird, I know. When I'm having anxiety, I do feel ticked off if I have to be out and around people and they are looking at me. My facial expression is sorta serious or cranky looking. If I become real scared, I usually have a military blank face - I cannot help that, and all I want to do is get the heck out of where ever I am get home as fast as I can....lock up the door tight and then I can breathe.

I never answer the telephone if I do not know who it is; and sometimes even then if I'm feeling anxious or very depressed I won't answer it.

It sounds like you are going in the right direction by seeking psych treatment (shrink-that's ok) to figure out what is going on and to nip this in the bud - I'm really glad to hear that.

Social anxiety is not uncommon and there are different degrees of it. I was the worst because, I didn't get the help I needed till I was far gone. I'm a bit older than you and it started when I was a kid and when I hit sixteen I couldn't function at all, and back then they/docs didn't know much about social anxiety, not like today.

You're going to be ok. I think maybe you do have some social anxiety, but you can overcome it. I did, and I was a mess.

I'm a true believer in cognitive-behavior therapy - it saved me. I also take an SSRI along with a benzodiazepine on an as-needed basis and this helped rid me of the anxiety, along with the therapy. SSRIs aren't for everyone, but I was fortunate it worked.

Which meds did the doc prescribe, if I may ask? Are you also seeing a therapist?

Hey, no post is ever to long. Mine usually are as you can see :D . I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this stress. It will get better and this forum has so many people who are going through the same type of difficulties and can give support and seasoned advice.

Come back soon and let us know how things are going :) .

Take care, soshy

[thesleepofreason]

thanks much.

first of all, the meds i got are hydroxymine and lexapro.
i just started on tuesday.

i talked to my case manager at the psych service place, and they agree that i am starting to develope agoraphobia slightly.

i dont anticipate it getting too much worse...but for now i really need to be in my bubble...chrisville--population: ME.

that's funny about the phone--i am crazy about answering it. i never do...sometimes it'll ring and i'll panic and run away.

if it's a number i dont know...that really freaks me out. who the heck would be calling me that's not already in my phone? what can this be about?!? sometimes i even use reverse phone searched to see who it is--weird i know.

i've also started exhibiting compulsive behaviors...

repetitive motions...
the other day i was thirsty, and as i got up to get a drink i realized i'd been sitting in this chair for 20 hours and had never gotten up.
i didnt even know...
that freaks me way the crap out.

i've been going to therapy but i am switching to something else next week. a new one.

i dont understand what has happened to me.
i mean, i went through a ROUGH break up in nov that's been kinda strung out. i really love this girl all the way but the time is not ripe i guess. maybe it'll never be.

but...
that's not what's wrong--what's wrong is deep rooted love issues i obviously have and an anxiety problem. it's been there, just brooding, my whole life. i had ulcers when i was 9! that's not cool.

the lady today said that stress triggers these traits, traits that might have been slight and non-issues in the past...

i have been stressed to say the least...houses burning down and all kind of stuff in the last month...so...

[bgirl23]

Hey

I agree with Soshy. You sound like you do have some social anxiety, but you will be ok. Anxiety always seems more severe and a lot of times worse then it has ever been, when you are in a period of your life that it makes its appearance frequently. It can start at any time, though I was one of the unlucky ones who has had it my whole life. Sometimes the relief of knowing your not the only one is a life saver. My greatest fear always seems to be that I am going completely crazy. But just knowing that there are others who have these thoughts and fears seems to make me relax in some way. Just coming here and reading up on others thoughts and symptoms helps a lot. I think its completely awesome that despite the difficulties your having you are still doing your best to stay in college. Something I wish I would have done. My anxiety did not allow me to even make it passed 2 months. I had to leave school during a discussion with a major panic attack, have the teacher tell me that if I couldn't hack being a grown up I needed to move back in with my mother, IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS! Yeah what an a**. But I survived it all and so will you. It seems hard now, but listen to your docs, they do know what they're talking about if you give them a chance to develop a treatment that will work for you. Keep us posted on how your doing and remember the fact that you are willing to get help is one of the hardest things for a person with any anxiety disorder. Hang in there!

[soshy]

Hey bgirl23, that is HORRIBLE of that teacher to do that. OMG, I would have been so scared and humiliated...I think I would have passed out cause I'm a social phobic :shock: .

I believe in karma, so that teacher has something bad coming!

I'm so sorry you had to go through that :( . That was so wrong!!!

*Hugs*

Stay strong - soshy