inkindulgence
06-28-2009, 03:19 AM
Either way, I am getting to where I have a problem. I know it has to do with anxiety, i'm just not sure what "category" it would fit into. I am a 22 year old female in the midwest, and my way of thought with this makes me think of the movie "Aliens", where Sigourney Weaver battled the aweful aliens in the first movie, and now, although triumphant, is so traumatized by the events she cannot leave her house. She just stays there, 24 hours a day. I don't do this, I don't confine myself to my house 24 hours a day........yet. However over the past few years i've had behaviors similar to this that grow increasingly every day, and I worry that someday, I may not leave my house.
I'm not sure how to even sum up my weird behaviors, so i'll just give examples and hopefully it will come together more. Overall, I would say that every place the I leave my house to go, no matter where, I am plagued with this obsessive thought that 1.)Something completely disastrous will happen to me, i.e., death, and 2.)EVERYBODY is noticing me and thinking bad thoughts about me, and no matter what I wear, look like, how i do my hair, what I say, even if I don't talk, that for some reason people are staring at me thinking "What in the world does she think SHE'S doing?" And I know that sounds TOTALLY insane, maybe even narcissistic (sp?), but I can't stop these thoughts!
Example 1: Me and a friend go to a gas station at 11:00am so that I can go to the ATM and buy cigarettes. I go through 7 shirts before I decide on one that will cause the least amount of attention. I spend 15 minutes trying to decide whether its worse to wear shorts, because the gas station man/woman will think i'm trying to wear clothes that I think look good but really look terrible, or jeans, in which case they will think "What the hell is she doing its 100 degrees out here why would she wear pants what a weirdo." I start to tear up from frustration, but opt for the jeans and just go.
Example 2: On the way to the gas station, I do not roll any of my windows down, because then people can look at me and they might try to yell something at me, good or bad. I decide not to wear the sunglasses mom bought me, they will just make me look like i'm trying to look too cool. I turn on my music, enjoy it until I come to each intersection where I turn it down completely, for fear of someone hearing it and it offending them (I listen to your basic tunes, nothing outlandish).
Example 3: When we get to the gas station, I beg my friend to go in for me, but he refuses. I immediately regret coming here, but I do need my cigarettes. I look all around before I get out of the car to make sure no dangerous situations lurk, then quickly speed walk into the building and up to the ATM. I see that another girl walked up at the same time, so I politely tell her to go ahead of me, as I couldn't stand having someone standing behind me while I get my money out, waiting impatiently, thinking that i'm retarded because I can't punch my PIN number in fast enough, or god forbid I forget to get my receipt and have to do it all again.
Example 4: After I get my money out and am purchasing smokes, I start having fears of the gas station being robbed. I just know that its going to be that station, that morning, when i'm there. I leave, trying to push these horrible thoughts out of my head, and try to focus on not tripping or falling on the sidewalk and embarrassing the hell out of myself while I walk to my car.
Example 5: While my friend and I drive away, we get about a half mile down the road when I realize oh no! I was supposed to get enough money out of the ATM for dinner later...I get super worried about what to do, and tell my friend that I have to go get more money out. He says thats fine, but wonders why I'm not turning around to go back to the gas station. My reply came out sounding 100% more bizzare than how it sounded in my head, "I can't go back to the same one they JUST saw me go in there and use their atm! They'll think i'm a complete weirdo if I walk back in there and do the same thing I just did when they JUST saw me do it." My friend shuts up, unable to think of something to say to that. Even i shut up, and as I drive 5 miles OUT OF THE WAY just to go to another gas station, I start to wonder how i'm ever not going to feel this way.
This is all just one episode. Forget about me going to concerts, dance clubs, even most bars are out. I don't drink, so if a friend drags me out to one I sit awkwardly wondering if anyone is noticing how fat my ass looks when I sit down, before making up an excuse to leave 15 minutes after we arrive. I know i'm not fat though, and I know i'm not terribly ugly. Its so odd because I know this but at the same time its what I think everyone thinks. And like I said before, this is something that has increased over the years. Its also crazy, because I never used to be like this! In high school, I loved getting attention for doing crazy stunts and making people laugh and being loud. Now, I still have part of that person in me, but only at home, or at close friends' houses. When I am in my place of comfort, I feel like I am completely myself, and have no worries, I just keep thinking "Well I know i'm not going to die tonight because I am staying at home and won't be outside where all the danger is!" I avoid driving to my mom's house on the other side of town because of how much more likely it is for me to get in a car accident driving that far. The last time I got on an airplane (1 year ago) I had I guess what you would call a "panic attack" so bad they almost had to remove me from the plane before my boyfriend gave me a heavy sedative to knock me out. I vowed to never get on a plane after that.
Oh and I cannot, CANNOT, shower or sleep without someone in the house with me. If my boyfriend isn't home, I have to call a friend to come and sit in my living room while I shower, because I just KNOW that that will be the day and time that a serial killer breaks in and kidnapps me.
I just know that the plane I am on is going to be the one to crash
I just know that the road I am on is going to have the lunatic drunk driver
I just know that that guy behind me is waiting to mug me as soon as I turn around.
wow I can't believe I got all of that out. If you are still reading this by now then i am sorry, that was way too long .I'll leave it I suppose. Well i guess i'll end by going back to the "Aliens" movie thing, and say that I am afraid that if I don't find a way to treat these behaviors soon, that one day I will decide not to leave my house, ever again. Because honestly, if it wasn't for bill payments, cigarettes and groceries, right now not having to worry about the outside world and just sitting here forever sounds like a pretty damn good deal.
I'm not sure how to even sum up my weird behaviors, so i'll just give examples and hopefully it will come together more. Overall, I would say that every place the I leave my house to go, no matter where, I am plagued with this obsessive thought that 1.)Something completely disastrous will happen to me, i.e., death, and 2.)EVERYBODY is noticing me and thinking bad thoughts about me, and no matter what I wear, look like, how i do my hair, what I say, even if I don't talk, that for some reason people are staring at me thinking "What in the world does she think SHE'S doing?" And I know that sounds TOTALLY insane, maybe even narcissistic (sp?), but I can't stop these thoughts!
Example 1: Me and a friend go to a gas station at 11:00am so that I can go to the ATM and buy cigarettes. I go through 7 shirts before I decide on one that will cause the least amount of attention. I spend 15 minutes trying to decide whether its worse to wear shorts, because the gas station man/woman will think i'm trying to wear clothes that I think look good but really look terrible, or jeans, in which case they will think "What the hell is she doing its 100 degrees out here why would she wear pants what a weirdo." I start to tear up from frustration, but opt for the jeans and just go.
Example 2: On the way to the gas station, I do not roll any of my windows down, because then people can look at me and they might try to yell something at me, good or bad. I decide not to wear the sunglasses mom bought me, they will just make me look like i'm trying to look too cool. I turn on my music, enjoy it until I come to each intersection where I turn it down completely, for fear of someone hearing it and it offending them (I listen to your basic tunes, nothing outlandish).
Example 3: When we get to the gas station, I beg my friend to go in for me, but he refuses. I immediately regret coming here, but I do need my cigarettes. I look all around before I get out of the car to make sure no dangerous situations lurk, then quickly speed walk into the building and up to the ATM. I see that another girl walked up at the same time, so I politely tell her to go ahead of me, as I couldn't stand having someone standing behind me while I get my money out, waiting impatiently, thinking that i'm retarded because I can't punch my PIN number in fast enough, or god forbid I forget to get my receipt and have to do it all again.
Example 4: After I get my money out and am purchasing smokes, I start having fears of the gas station being robbed. I just know that its going to be that station, that morning, when i'm there. I leave, trying to push these horrible thoughts out of my head, and try to focus on not tripping or falling on the sidewalk and embarrassing the hell out of myself while I walk to my car.
Example 5: While my friend and I drive away, we get about a half mile down the road when I realize oh no! I was supposed to get enough money out of the ATM for dinner later...I get super worried about what to do, and tell my friend that I have to go get more money out. He says thats fine, but wonders why I'm not turning around to go back to the gas station. My reply came out sounding 100% more bizzare than how it sounded in my head, "I can't go back to the same one they JUST saw me go in there and use their atm! They'll think i'm a complete weirdo if I walk back in there and do the same thing I just did when they JUST saw me do it." My friend shuts up, unable to think of something to say to that. Even i shut up, and as I drive 5 miles OUT OF THE WAY just to go to another gas station, I start to wonder how i'm ever not going to feel this way.
This is all just one episode. Forget about me going to concerts, dance clubs, even most bars are out. I don't drink, so if a friend drags me out to one I sit awkwardly wondering if anyone is noticing how fat my ass looks when I sit down, before making up an excuse to leave 15 minutes after we arrive. I know i'm not fat though, and I know i'm not terribly ugly. Its so odd because I know this but at the same time its what I think everyone thinks. And like I said before, this is something that has increased over the years. Its also crazy, because I never used to be like this! In high school, I loved getting attention for doing crazy stunts and making people laugh and being loud. Now, I still have part of that person in me, but only at home, or at close friends' houses. When I am in my place of comfort, I feel like I am completely myself, and have no worries, I just keep thinking "Well I know i'm not going to die tonight because I am staying at home and won't be outside where all the danger is!" I avoid driving to my mom's house on the other side of town because of how much more likely it is for me to get in a car accident driving that far. The last time I got on an airplane (1 year ago) I had I guess what you would call a "panic attack" so bad they almost had to remove me from the plane before my boyfriend gave me a heavy sedative to knock me out. I vowed to never get on a plane after that.
Oh and I cannot, CANNOT, shower or sleep without someone in the house with me. If my boyfriend isn't home, I have to call a friend to come and sit in my living room while I shower, because I just KNOW that that will be the day and time that a serial killer breaks in and kidnapps me.
I just know that the plane I am on is going to be the one to crash
I just know that the road I am on is going to have the lunatic drunk driver
I just know that that guy behind me is waiting to mug me as soon as I turn around.
wow I can't believe I got all of that out. If you are still reading this by now then i am sorry, that was way too long .I'll leave it I suppose. Well i guess i'll end by going back to the "Aliens" movie thing, and say that I am afraid that if I don't find a way to treat these behaviors soon, that one day I will decide not to leave my house, ever again. Because honestly, if it wasn't for bill payments, cigarettes and groceries, right now not having to worry about the outside world and just sitting here forever sounds like a pretty damn good deal.