Stigmata
06-17-2009, 11:08 PM
Hi. I'm new here and I don't know where to begin. So I'll just start here:
I'm a female. I have these unexplainable intimacy issues. It affects my daily life. I was hurt badly as a kid. I was pretty much hurt in every way a human being can be hurt: physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually. By several different people. At the age of 3 1/2, I was diagnosed with severe depression and was put on pills that fluctuated and lasted until I was 17, when I started refusing to take them. I've had plenty of psychologists that I've seen throughout my life.
I used to have social issues, where I would find it hard to make and keep friends. But I've since gotten over that. I'm 20 years old now, and I have these intimacy issues that haunt me. It's as if I can't hear over the screaming in my head (metaphorically speaking, I don't hear voices). The danger is gone but my brain cannot convince my body of that.
It used to be much worse. It used to be to the point where if I was even in the same room as somebody whom I felt any kind of chemistry with, my heart would begin to race, I'd become a little pale, start to feel hot, I would have a mini internal panic attack and I would have to leave the room to collect myself. My thoughts, my heartrate, my breath. One time at the end of the day, I excused myself, locked myself in a small closet, turned off the light and just started crying.
With the help of my friends, I've gotten a lot better but the residual effect is still there. It's not a matter of self-confidence, although I'm sure it used to be. Now I see that I am, in fact, society's standard of beautiful. Guys come flocking, I've been asked out countless times, but I've never said yes. I can't. Something inside is stopping me. I use alcohol as a social lubricant and that is the only time I can truly relax. I've never soberly had sex, or hooked up. It's always been under the influence of alcohol because it's when I feel like all my problems disappear for a little while and I can be like everybody else. But the hangover goes away, and I begin to hide again. These problems are solely when it comes to intimacy, romance. I lost one of my best friends because of these issues. I was drunk, he was a little tipsy, he confessed feelings, things got heated. He expressed interest in wanting to pursue a relationship with me, but in my drunken moment I didn't care. Everything was okay. When I was sober, I freaked. I wouldn't give him a solid answer when he texted me, I ignored his calls, I panicked. We haven't spoken since.
I finally have a normal life after years of depression, but the one area in which I can't be normal is intimacy. It's the one thing I can't get over. The best way to describe it is... a light switch. My life is well lit, finally. I can be normal, and laugh, and be happy, and socialize, and make people laugh, and be truly content... until I feel the possibility for romance with somebody, then it's as if somebody turns off the light and I can't see. And I get scared. And I begin to panic.
I'm tired of psychologists. They've done all they could do for me. This is something I need to work out for myself but I can't do it alone. How do I get over this? How can I move on from this so that I don't have this problem anymore? I know there's no one answer, but anything is better than nothing.
I have nothing.
I'm a female. I have these unexplainable intimacy issues. It affects my daily life. I was hurt badly as a kid. I was pretty much hurt in every way a human being can be hurt: physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually. By several different people. At the age of 3 1/2, I was diagnosed with severe depression and was put on pills that fluctuated and lasted until I was 17, when I started refusing to take them. I've had plenty of psychologists that I've seen throughout my life.
I used to have social issues, where I would find it hard to make and keep friends. But I've since gotten over that. I'm 20 years old now, and I have these intimacy issues that haunt me. It's as if I can't hear over the screaming in my head (metaphorically speaking, I don't hear voices). The danger is gone but my brain cannot convince my body of that.
It used to be much worse. It used to be to the point where if I was even in the same room as somebody whom I felt any kind of chemistry with, my heart would begin to race, I'd become a little pale, start to feel hot, I would have a mini internal panic attack and I would have to leave the room to collect myself. My thoughts, my heartrate, my breath. One time at the end of the day, I excused myself, locked myself in a small closet, turned off the light and just started crying.
With the help of my friends, I've gotten a lot better but the residual effect is still there. It's not a matter of self-confidence, although I'm sure it used to be. Now I see that I am, in fact, society's standard of beautiful. Guys come flocking, I've been asked out countless times, but I've never said yes. I can't. Something inside is stopping me. I use alcohol as a social lubricant and that is the only time I can truly relax. I've never soberly had sex, or hooked up. It's always been under the influence of alcohol because it's when I feel like all my problems disappear for a little while and I can be like everybody else. But the hangover goes away, and I begin to hide again. These problems are solely when it comes to intimacy, romance. I lost one of my best friends because of these issues. I was drunk, he was a little tipsy, he confessed feelings, things got heated. He expressed interest in wanting to pursue a relationship with me, but in my drunken moment I didn't care. Everything was okay. When I was sober, I freaked. I wouldn't give him a solid answer when he texted me, I ignored his calls, I panicked. We haven't spoken since.
I finally have a normal life after years of depression, but the one area in which I can't be normal is intimacy. It's the one thing I can't get over. The best way to describe it is... a light switch. My life is well lit, finally. I can be normal, and laugh, and be happy, and socialize, and make people laugh, and be truly content... until I feel the possibility for romance with somebody, then it's as if somebody turns off the light and I can't see. And I get scared. And I begin to panic.
I'm tired of psychologists. They've done all they could do for me. This is something I need to work out for myself but I can't do it alone. How do I get over this? How can I move on from this so that I don't have this problem anymore? I know there's no one answer, but anything is better than nothing.
I have nothing.