Maybe there is nothing wrong with you if you are anxious

[doxa2]

It seems to me that the story society tells us is this:

If you live in our society, and you are anxious, then there is something wrong with you. If you want to not be anxious, then you have to change.

But what if the truth is that its not the individual that is the problem, but its the way society treats the individual?

The more I think about it, the more i think the people who arn't anxious are the one's who arn't quite understanding what's going on.

We live in a society that is hyper judgemental. Every single thought and action is immedietely linked to an identity, and conclusions about that person's identity are then drawn. But this isn't entirely logical. Clearly you are not merely the sum of your thoughts and actions. You are something much, much greater. Just because you may often have angry thoughts, that doesn't make you an 'angry person'. The only person who has the right to make any judgements about you is YOU. But that doesn't seem to be how our society is set up.

Sorry for the rant, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, instead of trying to change yourself, maybe if you are anxious, you should look around the world and see what else needs changing. It might suprise you.

Best wishes,
doxa

[Robbed]

What you say about society being judgemental is true. But I think that the environment in which you are brought up makes a HUGE difference. Specifically, if you are taught from a young age that it is OKAY to be different and that the people who would judge you negatively are just bad people who are not worth worrying about, then you stand a MUCH better chance of growing up to be a well-balanced and anxiety-free individual. If, on the other hand, you are brought up in a highly critical environment where being different is discouraged because it will bring negativity upon yourself, and where you are told that other people's tendency to judge you is completely justified and morally correct, then you are virtually guaranteed to have psychological problems. Unfortunately, the second scenario seems to play itself out MUCH more often than the first. And this is the cause of MUCH pain and suffering in our world.

[seizetheday]

I totally agree with society being too judgmental, but i think anxiety comes from caring about the judgement from society... it only matters as much as you let it matter. If you don't care, then it won't matter : )

[Iridisis]

You bring up a good point. My husband is my opposite. He's the type to jump in the pool without checking for water first. Over the years, I've tried to "teach" him to be more careful, less impulsive, etc. Instead of being appreciative, most of the time I get put down for "worrying too much," blah, blah, blah...but HE'S the one that would break his neck!

Reading the Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron has been the most affirming thing for me. Critical risk-takers still bother me, but since reading that book I do understand so much more. I just wish sometimes I could get a little respect for being careful and cautious.

[Robbed]

I totally agree with society being too judgmental, but i think anxiety comes from caring about the judgement from society... it only matters as much as you let it matter. If you don't care, then it won't matter : )

And how much you care is a conditioned behavior. If you have been brought up to worry about 'keeping up appearances', then you WILL consider it to be devastating when you are negatively judged.

[seizetheday]

How much you care about what other people think is a learned behaviour for sure.. thats one of the reasons why i think anxiety runs in families.. If a child has it for all of their life, they will pass on those qualities to their kids eventually..
unlearning that behaviour, or learning a new behaviour can get you out of the loop though.. it just takes hard work

[Iridisis]

Years and years of comments like, "you're too sensitive, you worry too much, you take things too personally" have worn down the confidence I didn't have much of to begin with! So MANY people come along and seem to get the idea that it's their divine appointment to enlighten and then "fix" me! GRRRRRRR - I wish there was more awareness!!!

Sometimes I wonder if those of us who care too much what others think are "stuck" in a childlike state of when we had to please those big powerful people whom we depended on for everything. I know I regard others' opinions far too highly and I hate it. But what's the solution? If you don't have strong confidence in yourself, you don't have it. Any thoughts on that?

[Robbed]

But what's the solution? If you don't have strong confidence in yourself, you don't have it. Any thoughts on that?

People DO improve their self-confidence. But it would not appear to be a simple, easy, or straightforward thing to do.

[doxa2]

Some people think the solution is to try and develop greater self-confidence or higher self-esteem. I dont think this is the solution. I think a better approach would be realize that the whole idea of self-esteem is something you can do without. You don't need to worry about what you're value is. One of the main functions of being human is to assign value to things. We get in alot of trouble when we try to assign a value to a system whose main function is to assign value... if that makes any sense.

[Robbed]

I think a better approach would be realize that the whole idea of self-esteem is something you can do without. You don't need to worry about what you're value is.

Perhaps this IS a good approach. For someone with low self-esteem, improving it is a MAJOR battle that is often unwinnable. Not to mention that improving self-esteem pretty much invariably means not being true to yourself - which kills self-esteem all in itself. When I think of the sorts of things that make me happy, they are not necessarily things that make me feel good about myself. Rather, they put me in a position where what I feel about myself is irrelevant. So maybe worrying that my self-esteem is low and feeling that it MUST be improved is completely the wrong approach. Does anyone here really need one more thing to WORRY about?

[doxa2]

When I think of the sorts of things that make me happy, they are not necessarily things that make me feel good about myself. Rather, they put me in a position where what I feel about myself is irrelevant.

Yes, wonderful! My experience has been the same. The hard part is learning how to stop worrying about what your worth is. I was able to do this with the help of the buddhist concept of 'non-self'. Don't get me wrong, i'm not religious in any way. But I agree with this particular way of seeing things. Here is a brief description of what non-self is like:


Non-self is experienced through the aspect of impermanence, through the aspect of unsatisfactoriness, and through the aspect of emptiness. Empty of what? The word "emptiness" is so often misunderstood because when one only thinks of it as a concept, one says "what do you mean by empty?" Everything is there: there are the people, and there are their insides, guts and their bones and blood and everything is full of stuff — and the mind is not empty either. It's got ideas, thoughts and feelings. And even when it doesn't have those, what do you mean by emptiness? The only thing that is empty is the emptiness of an entity.

There is no specific entity in anything. That is emptiness. That is the nothingness. It is empty, it is devoid of a specific person, devoid of a specific thing, devoid of anything which makes it permanent, devoid of anything which even makes it important. The whole thing is in flux. So the emptiness is that. And the emptiness is to be seen everywhere; to be seen in oneself. And that is what is called anatta, non-self. Empty of an entity. There is nobody there. It is all imagination. At first that feels very insecure.

That person that I've been regarding with so much concern, that person trying to do this or that, that person who will be my security, will be my insurance for a happy life — once I find that person — that person does not really exist. What a frightening and insecure idea that is! What a feeling of fear arises! But as a matter of fact, it's just the reverse. If one accepts and bears that fright and goes through it, one comes to complete and utter relief and release.

Kind regards,
Doxa2

[Robbed]

Yes, wonderful! My experience has been the same. The hard part is learning how to stop worrying about what your worth is. I was able to do this with the help of the buddhist concept of 'non-self'. Don't get me wrong, i'm not religious in any way. But I agree with this particular way of seeing things. Here is a brief description of what non-self is like:

One thing, though. Could this not all possibly just be another way of increasing self-esteem and confidence. In a way, it looks VERY much like treating anxiety symptoms by acceptance rather than traditional CBT methods like TEA forms. In a way, the end result is the same. But the approach is entirely different.

If I consider my trip to the White Mountains (here in California - 'White Mountains' seems to be a common name for a mountain range) that I took a few weeks back, I was not thinking about my value as a human being. But I felt ALOT better up there than I normally do. I actually did some things up there I would not normally do (was more social, to be exact). And if asked about how I felt about myself, I would certainly give a more positive response than normal. In other words, although I did not specifically think that I suddenly had greater value, my self esteem WAS better up there, despite the fact that I made no effort for it to be.

[doxa2]

And if asked about how I felt about myself, I would certainly give a more positive response than normal. In other words, although I did not specifically think that I suddenly had greater value, my self esteem WAS better up there, despite the fact that I made no effort for it to be.

In my own experience, I've often found that i've only been able to receive what I was willing to give up. Perhaps one can only experience true self-confidence when one no longer cares about having it.

By the same token, maybe the only way we can be free from anxiety is if we allow ourselves to fully accept it. Maybe instead of treating anxiety like the enemy, we need to learn to see it as our friend. Perhaps you can think of it as a welcome stranger that teaches you what it is like for so many others who also experience it. I hope I'm not rambling...

Best wishes,
Doxa