3am and sick

[atomic811]

I woke up at 3am and I am having anxiety about seeing the heart doctor today. I was laying in bed and when I inhale my right lung and chest tingles and hurts when I take a full breath. This has been happening on and off since I had lung surgery back in 2000. I know some of it has to do with my smoking, but I am unable to quit. I layed in bed and cried for about 10 mins over things which include me missing Keith, my fu**ed up body and messed up mind, my mom being sick and me being alone and over just tired of being sick and tired.

I went out back to my parents back porch and had 4 cigsarettes. I was crying during all of them. After the second cigarettes I threw on on my parents back lawn. It was just liquid so no one will see it. Then I just kept wiping my nose with a tissue.

I could hear Timo my cat in the basement meowing to come out because he thinks people are awake now and he is ready to eat. He will be coming out when my parents wake up in and hour.

Yesterday I had cramps around 4pm and it hurt so bad I almost fainted while on the toliet. After I was very pale and weak for several hours. This has happened on and off for years as well. I was told by a doctor back in 1994 that I have ulcertive coltis and IBS.

I have so much wrong with me I don't know where to turn sometimes.

It is 4am now and I am going to try to sleep a few more hours if I can. I feel overwhelmed with how sick I always feel.

[lucie-blue]

Hey sweetie,

Im sorry i wasnt up at 3am to post a reply to you!

I know whats happening to you must be very distressing, and i feel the same sometimes, having so much wrong, and nobody to turn, you just wants to fly to whole mess into the sea. But your taking a positive step in seeing a doctor today - who CAN help.

Life throws the most unexpected things at us, some terrible, some wonderful. 6 months from now you may find that all the problems you have now, may be none existant. Maybe they wont, but mabe they will be well on their way to being "better" so you can live a better quality of life, you know? Just have hope sweetie. And if this doctor doesnt give you the answers you were looking for, keep fighting and find another one.

I dont know if this helped, but im sending you lots of hugs!

Good luck!
Lucie xx ;)