doubts about relationship, relapse maybe?

[brittypixi]

:? :cry: :x So ive posted on here in the past about my struggles. Ive had anxiety for my whole life actually, not seriously, I barely even realized I had it untill september. But the two months prior to september I got really sick with food poisoning and developed a small eating disorder I would call it where I had quite a bit of anxiety about eating because I was afraid I was gonna throw up, so basically I nibbled and thought I was nauseous all the time when I really wasnt. I lost 20 pounds and I got pretty depressed. Then I saw this bad bad stupid therapist who really screwed me up. The therapist basically was asking me how I would cope if me and my boyfriend broke up and like what I would do to be okay etc when me and my boyfriend weren't going to break up. Well basically that night after my boyfriend left I instantly got these really bad doubts about if i loved him out of NO WHERE. Ive read alot and gotten alot of advice about this on the forum and from what ive read this HAS happened to quite a few of you as well. Whats good is I have the support of my family and my boyfriend and they are trying to get me through this. They know that this is all just my anxiety and it isnt really how I feel, they are just irrational thoughts. Now my problem is that I keep getting better but im not completely okay. I had gotten to the point where I was ok and I didnt think about them all day and could say I really did think they were fake. But I will have a bad day and think " Oh I dont love him " etc and then it starts kind of a spiral where I will start getting really doubty and then it gets worse and worse throughout the week. I was seeing a therapist for awile that was trying to help me work through the irrational thoughts but it got to the point that I couldnt really afford it anymore. I had a counselor on the phone that was free but she didnt help me after awile because I think she became frustrated with me and just pushed medication on me when I made it clear that I wanted to make it through this without medication. I have also tried St. Johns Wort but it can affect birth control which I am on. So it seems like this forum and my family/boyfriend is whats going to get me through this and I can say from two months ago I am a ton better, but I have started having bad days again and im getting confused and discouraged and just dont see how to get rid of these irrational thoughts and doubts and just get on with being happy with him like we have always wanted.

[Pieturli]

I'm actually slightly relieved I found someone like this. I have exact same problem. Well, not the exact same, but I also suddenly got doubts about whether I want to hang with my girlfriend anymore. The thought of ending our relationship is sickening in itself but I still cant stop worrying.

I find solace in seeing that I'm not alone and I hope you find some comfort as well

[doonbuggy]

Hey Brittipixi, we meet again lol.

I know the feeling about having so many just normal days and then just the odd bad day.. I find that sometimes that I have strange dreams that I can't make sense of which disposition my concious rational state, I wake up feeling like crap but I just get on with the day like normal. I get tense sometimes but Im able to cope with it much better.

I'm sure like yourself you've studied and trawled through websites to try and help. From what I've researched we have ROCD (Relationshiop Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). It can stem from anxiety, like in both our cases. And it's a gradual process back to normality. Therapists and Psychiatrists will only teach you statedgies that will help, but you can figure them out yourself.

It is all about remembering that it is all in your head... It's anxiety. And every time the irratinoal thought enters your head you just shrug it off and say... Well it's just anxiety. Don't let it drain any happiness that you have with your boyfriend... Because I bet anything this is your cycle.

* Thinking normally, having good time with boyfriend.
* Irrational thought randomly enters... Start worrying.
* Focus on irrational thought, this always happens when I'm with him.
* Thought pattern... I'm never happy with my boyfriend.
* Will I ever be happy?

Thus ruined what could potentionally be a happy moment if you just stop the irrational thought. It sounds easy.. But god don't I know how difficult it is.

My advice brittipixi... I've seen how strong you are, I know you love your boyfriend. You wouldn't be trying so hard if you didn't... You've come this far and now its more like annoyance than agony. Just keep doing what you're doing. And one day you'll look back and go "Wow I made it"

Take care.

[brittypixi]

wow doonbuggy you have offered me alot of support and really lifted my spirits for the day! and yes thats like my exact thinking pattern lol. i am still having my problems with the "is this real" and like "am i denying it" and stuff like that, that seems to be what im struggling with the most at the time & im just not sure how i can get past that little road block :/. i really dont want to be without him :( we are happy together, like right now i miss him :(.. i dont think ide miss him if i didnt love him or want to be with him. blah!!!

[doonbuggy]

I completely understand that its so hard to distinguish between the two. But you already know it in your heart, you know its there and thats why you've kept on fighting. I take a few steps back sometimes and it makes me realise how much I love my girlfriend... And everything that I do to help her. I tell her how beautiful she is, I help her when shes feeling down, I'm always there for her. And taking that step back can really help. Its realising in yourself that you are the only one who can help yourself, and that however much you get knocked about by anxiety, you have the strength to carry on.

What we have done is we've worried so much about it that we've analysed every little bit of our relationship to depict what iis right and what is wrong. Think back before the anxiety kicked in? Were you even aware of this. It is normal to be annoyed at him at times. It's normal to find some of his habits irritating, its normal to want to spend time to yourself. If doesnt mean you dont love him, to the contrary, if you love someone, you love them for who they are not what you can make them.

It helps just to keep busy and make sure you do lots of different activities, some with your boyfriend, some not. Its all about getting that healthy balance. You need to keep away from battling your mind, and slowly but surely you will think about it less and less. Don't give up once its at a tolerable level, keep with the regime of once an irrational thought enters your head just laugh and think "well its only anxiety". If you react then your body will only keep doing it. We all have out bad days, because we're all human at the end of the day... But if you believe you can get there, then you will.

If you have any problems or questions I'm willing to help when I can.

Take care.

[brittypixi]

Yeah i totally understand this. When i got my doubts it started like one night i just had one doubt and its been horrible since then, but even like that day before my doubts, everything was fine. I knew i loved him everything was easy and all i wanted was him by my side. And its started to slowly fade and thats whats scaring me i think. That i can have most of the day not thinking about it and then at the end of the night it will creep into my head and ill think well if its not totally gone and i still have these doubts after THIS long they must be true and then it just totally spirals from there. But im working on it, just taking longer than i thought it would take lol. But that ROCD really was helpful to me, i looked it up myself and couldnt find it :( but everything that was written in that quote you gave me is like exactly what i feel. It all makes sense. I know i have anxiety and OCD and that ive got alot of issues with that but still sometimes im like well what if it isnt anxiety and im just running away from a real problem. Ya know?

[doonbuggy]

Just for a reference the website is - www.ocdsymptoms.co.uk/relationship-ocd.html (http://www.ocdsymptoms.co.uk/relationship-ocd.html) - Hope that helps.

Its difficult when youve had anxiety for so long and you know nothing but pain. So when you start actually coming together, thinking logically, and just getting on with life you really start to question whether its what youve wanted. I hope that makes sense. Its difficult to establish whether youre going down the right road, whether the normality youre feeling is normality. Should you be happier than this, should I smile more?

But in the end, looking back on it... its an amazing thing. As you slowly begin to realise that infact you are getting better. I know that when Ive dreamt about being anxiety free, Id just wake up and be over the moon. But it never happens like that. You are now winning your battle, and although from time to time thoughts enter your head... Its nowhere near as much.

Its because we enter this very negative cycle that means that whatever we do, we're never happy with it. As I said its all about acceptance. I accept that I'm me, every action I take is me, I've battled anxiety because I want to spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, and thats my choice. Youve wanted to stay with your boyfriend, because youve wanted to, because something deeper inside is telling you I want to still be with them.

Youve battled against it so long, and now your finally getting out. Its a good thing. OK you may not being jumping around the street liked you thought you would be, but thats ok.

And as to avoiding the real problem? Its just another irrational thought, an electrical impulse sent from the brain acting on elements of fear. Thats what anxiety is.

Please whatever you do don't give up. I can tell that you really want to be with your boyfriend, and that you are a fighter. We all get those bad days, but if im correct in what ive read, there are more good days than bad now.

Take care. :)

[brittypixi]

:) thank you so much for all of your kind words. i don't think that im gonna give up. im pretty sure that i love him. just i get doubty ever once in awile now and wonder well maybe that means i really don't love him? i just get very questioning. and i guess thats what anxiety is, but still i will wonder what if it isnt anxiety and i just really dont love him! ohhhhh anxiety its horrible!