Dukie
04-24-2009, 08:40 AM
Three years ago I met my birthmother for the first time. It was 48 hours of 'oh you get that from me" from a woman that I wanted to be NOTHING alike, or even have anything to do with. A woman who said, "Maybe if I had gone to college I would have had a nice boyfriend and studied animals, but I had you." A woman who blames me for her issues, and congratulates herself on my successes.
Less than a month later when I left for college I started having massive panic attacks, blacking out a couple times. By my second semester I was medicated just to walk out of my dorm room. I started having IBS and dreaded going to the supermarket, pharmacy, or to class. I didn't eat with any body in the dining hall or go anywhere I didn't know where a bathroom was.
Travel was torture.
The medications made me fall asleep in class and in 2007 I adopted a dog within 6 months she was trained to be my service dog. She helps and she alerts to compulsive shaking/tapping and scratching.
1 week before my period my anxiety becomes uncontrollable. My stomach is constantly upset and I am constantly getting sick. Although my dog is fantastic I try not to bring her everywhere and the evidence of not having her is all over my right arm. Scratches from my own nails that I pick at until they scar badly. I feel like I want to be alone and just lay in bed and cry.
I am so lucky to have family that moved me closer to them and encourages me to go to therapy. My mom noticed the scratches for the first time. I don't think they realize the self harm that does happen, sometimes I feel like they don't listen and just think I'm being dramatic.
My boyfriend is the most understanding guy I know last night I told him that most days I don't even want to be around myself and my crazy, so why does he stick around? Of course he said that he loved me, and I'm a lot of fun to be with and that he knows, that this anxiety BS is not me or who I am. Yesterday I was watching trashy TV with his friend and he goes, "you know he's head over heels for you right? And if I he doesn't stop bragging about you, he's going to get a smelly sock shoved down his throat."
He's furious at my birthmom for the things she said to me and was there for me last weekend when I met my birth grandmother, who I adore and want to have a relationship with, and my cousin and her parents.
I want the scratching to stop and the need for the service dog to go away. I was hoping to let her retire this May, and not need another dog, but unfortunately I don't see that happening. The depression comes and goes, was HORRIBLE from October to January but I have been so shocked to find that Church and the people I've met there have helped me through it. (Catholic churches still give me panic attacks).
I'm sorry this got so long. But I feel much better. I feel like...finally signing up...is going to do something to help.
Less than a month later when I left for college I started having massive panic attacks, blacking out a couple times. By my second semester I was medicated just to walk out of my dorm room. I started having IBS and dreaded going to the supermarket, pharmacy, or to class. I didn't eat with any body in the dining hall or go anywhere I didn't know where a bathroom was.
Travel was torture.
The medications made me fall asleep in class and in 2007 I adopted a dog within 6 months she was trained to be my service dog. She helps and she alerts to compulsive shaking/tapping and scratching.
1 week before my period my anxiety becomes uncontrollable. My stomach is constantly upset and I am constantly getting sick. Although my dog is fantastic I try not to bring her everywhere and the evidence of not having her is all over my right arm. Scratches from my own nails that I pick at until they scar badly. I feel like I want to be alone and just lay in bed and cry.
I am so lucky to have family that moved me closer to them and encourages me to go to therapy. My mom noticed the scratches for the first time. I don't think they realize the self harm that does happen, sometimes I feel like they don't listen and just think I'm being dramatic.
My boyfriend is the most understanding guy I know last night I told him that most days I don't even want to be around myself and my crazy, so why does he stick around? Of course he said that he loved me, and I'm a lot of fun to be with and that he knows, that this anxiety BS is not me or who I am. Yesterday I was watching trashy TV with his friend and he goes, "you know he's head over heels for you right? And if I he doesn't stop bragging about you, he's going to get a smelly sock shoved down his throat."
He's furious at my birthmom for the things she said to me and was there for me last weekend when I met my birth grandmother, who I adore and want to have a relationship with, and my cousin and her parents.
I want the scratching to stop and the need for the service dog to go away. I was hoping to let her retire this May, and not need another dog, but unfortunately I don't see that happening. The depression comes and goes, was HORRIBLE from October to January but I have been so shocked to find that Church and the people I've met there have helped me through it. (Catholic churches still give me panic attacks).
I'm sorry this got so long. But I feel much better. I feel like...finally signing up...is going to do something to help.