ashamed of myself for not coping

[Mark1608]

I'll make my story brief as I know people are busy. 2 months ago my girlfriend left me. We broke up and she decided to go travelling for 9 weeks to get some space and said when she returned we'd meet and see how we both feel. On paper that doesn't seem so bad but i flipped. I had an acute stress reaction, took 2 weeks off work, couldn't eat, sleep, breath, do anything. My dad came to look after me, the psychiatric crisis team visited me at home to assess me and i started seeing a counselor. Alot of my reaction is down to my childhood.

My mum and dad were always fighting and having affairs and it was a very troubling environment. Then my mum died at 20 and since then i seem to have got involved in so many relationships that have gone wrong. I'm now 37. The past ten years have been so difficult as i've started to develop anxiety in relationships. I can't commit to anyone and they end up leaving me. And i make problems when there aren't any. It's like i don't feel loved unless the other person is calling me none stop. That's why my girlfriend left. So for the past ten weeks i've had none stop panic attacks. I worry ALL the time and when is start to resolve one issue i look for another to replace it. It's like i'm mad. And i constantly have a feeling of tightness in my chest. Before she went she told me to enjoy my life and try and be happy, that made me so angry as it made me feel so sorry for myself. It also made me angry that this has all happened to me. And the stupid thing is i know deep down that everything is ok.

My girlfriend and I have had alot of contact and she wants to meet next week when she returns. She wants to 'talk'. Whilst she's been away she's been so reluctant to show any affection towards me and she has no idea i've been through all this. I feel so ashamed of myself that i couldn't cope. That she has had such an amazing time and i've been through hell. I'm now anxious for when she gets back, worried i'll not be cool about the whole thing and mess things up again like i always do. If only i had stayed calm, i look and feel exhausted and i'm so worried that she'll run a mile if i tell her what has happened.

Mark

[coops025]

Hi Mark,

I'm sorry you have experianced such a horrible time causing what you have now, i too was down in the dumps gradualy getting worse.

The thing is your lucky and you dont realise it, you actually know what triggered your problems so now you have to do what you may think is impossible. Pick yourself up look to the future saying im not going to be a gibbering wrek sat in my house feeling sorry for myself! No Mark your better than that arnt you?

Just make that stand right now and call a mate, go out and do something fun like play football or whatever you like to do. Dont for the love of god spend all your time telling people how crap you feel, its time to move forward and one day you will look back at this thinking "wow im a strong person"

I managed to pick my self up by telling myself to do it, i feel soooo much better for it now and i laugh in the face of my illness because i refuse to be beaten to the ground by some feelings that say i cant do something.

Stay away from anyone or anything that may cause you Anxiety just for a little while at least. Remember you must have been loved in the first place to even have a girl friend so you dont need to think otherwise.

Fingers crossed for you Mark you can do it and only you.