SirDrums
04-13-2009, 01:22 PM
12 days until the big day and my anxiety is through the roof. I know that by having GAD certain things in life are going to cause a certain amount of anxiety but my wedding day? The thought of being married? The thought of being with a beautiful, loving, caring, totally committed woman? Its not the usual suspects either, I am not worried about tripping at the alter or that flowers not being right (I am a guy so… that’s not really a big concern for me). I am a little nervous about standing up there though.
My main anxiety comes from the same old thoughts, “Is she the right one?” “Do you really love her?”, “is she pretty enough”, “Will she stay the way she is or turn into a nag?” “Can you be a good husband?”, “Are you going to be like this after the wedding?”, “if you are, then what? Does that confirm that your thoughts where not just anxiety?” “You saw a girl in the elevator yesterday that you thought was pretty, see! You are a creep! You’re supposed to only think your fiancé is pretty” and they go on and on and on and on.
I have answers to these questions,
1. Yes she is
2. Yes I do
3. Most definitely
4. No signs point to that
5. I believe I can be
6. I don’t know.
7. Go to the doctor.
8. I am a guy.
The answers don’t help. And sometimes when I answer them a part of me tries to tell me it’s not true… sigh…
The doctors tell me that these thoughts are definitely anxiety educed, but my God do they seem convincing. I know I love her, I see her every single day and think she is so beautiful. I know that feeling is underneath it all it’s just that lately the anxiety seems to be totally masking those feelings, I know they are down there but they are hard to get to through all the junk. The wellbutrin and xanax I am taking does seems to help me from going into a full blown anxiety attack but they can’t shake the feelings totally. Add to it the fact that I am not getting a lot of sleep from being up late and night with my fiancé’ trying to get the house ready.
I guess my biggest fear is the possibility that these feeling may continue after I am married. The doctors say they won’t and that the anxiety is going to get worse the closer I get to the wedding. This seems so unfair, this is the one part of my life that I fantasized about being full of love and joy and peace. Instead I am going through anxiety hell. I have moments when the clouds clear. Like last Sunday. It just stopped, seemed like it needed a breather and I was able to enjoy the day with my soon to be wife, it was the best day I have had in months it seemed. I was actually excited about getting married all that day!
There are also times that it seems like a part of me is trying to get excited about being married but that good feeling is fleeting and is quickly replaced by the same old junk.
Maybe this post is not the best structured and my points may seem a bit random, but I am really just trying to reach out and say, “help I am drowning here!” They best way for me to feel better is just to be honest and throw all my thoughts out there, even the ones I am embarrassed to admit.
Please tell me one of you have been here and have had it this bad and it got better after the wedding. Sometimes its gets so bad I feel like I am using the anxiety issue as an excuse for feeling this way. This causes more anxiety!
12 more days… I can do it.. just … a little bit… further…
My main anxiety comes from the same old thoughts, “Is she the right one?” “Do you really love her?”, “is she pretty enough”, “Will she stay the way she is or turn into a nag?” “Can you be a good husband?”, “Are you going to be like this after the wedding?”, “if you are, then what? Does that confirm that your thoughts where not just anxiety?” “You saw a girl in the elevator yesterday that you thought was pretty, see! You are a creep! You’re supposed to only think your fiancé is pretty” and they go on and on and on and on.
I have answers to these questions,
1. Yes she is
2. Yes I do
3. Most definitely
4. No signs point to that
5. I believe I can be
6. I don’t know.
7. Go to the doctor.
8. I am a guy.
The answers don’t help. And sometimes when I answer them a part of me tries to tell me it’s not true… sigh…
The doctors tell me that these thoughts are definitely anxiety educed, but my God do they seem convincing. I know I love her, I see her every single day and think she is so beautiful. I know that feeling is underneath it all it’s just that lately the anxiety seems to be totally masking those feelings, I know they are down there but they are hard to get to through all the junk. The wellbutrin and xanax I am taking does seems to help me from going into a full blown anxiety attack but they can’t shake the feelings totally. Add to it the fact that I am not getting a lot of sleep from being up late and night with my fiancé’ trying to get the house ready.
I guess my biggest fear is the possibility that these feeling may continue after I am married. The doctors say they won’t and that the anxiety is going to get worse the closer I get to the wedding. This seems so unfair, this is the one part of my life that I fantasized about being full of love and joy and peace. Instead I am going through anxiety hell. I have moments when the clouds clear. Like last Sunday. It just stopped, seemed like it needed a breather and I was able to enjoy the day with my soon to be wife, it was the best day I have had in months it seemed. I was actually excited about getting married all that day!
There are also times that it seems like a part of me is trying to get excited about being married but that good feeling is fleeting and is quickly replaced by the same old junk.
Maybe this post is not the best structured and my points may seem a bit random, but I am really just trying to reach out and say, “help I am drowning here!” They best way for me to feel better is just to be honest and throw all my thoughts out there, even the ones I am embarrassed to admit.
Please tell me one of you have been here and have had it this bad and it got better after the wedding. Sometimes its gets so bad I feel like I am using the anxiety issue as an excuse for feeling this way. This causes more anxiety!
12 more days… I can do it.. just … a little bit… further…