Partner of person with anxiety- please help

[skyhigh]

Hello everyone - I've just joined this board.

My partner has suffered with anxiety for most if not all of his life. When he was younger he used to get desparately anxious about making any decisions, has had OCD, social anxiety, and low confidence. He's generally not affected to an extreme by these anymore, and has been in therapy for a few months to address his anxiety problems. He was very ill as a baby for a few weeks and separated from him Mother for this time. His therapist has sggested this cna leave a 'trace' in the brain as a result of the stress and anxiety as a baby.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years now. We got enagaged Xmas 2007 with a wedding planned for the summer 2008. This was cancelled just 6 weeks prior. In the lead up , my partner was having doubts about our relationship, whether he loved me enough, in the months leading up to it, even on the morning we went to get our engagement ring, and at other stages in the planning. Needless to say, this was horrible and incredibly painful. Ultimately, his extreme anxiety made it impossible for me to marry him. So I had to cancel it. I brought problems into the relationship, so to be fair, there were definately reasons to doubt that it was the right thing to do at that time.

We've been going to therapy separately to work on our separate confidence and self esteem issues, and we both feel a lot more in control of it. We talk talk talk about stuff which is good, and have been discussing getting married again. There is a deep love between us and it feels so right to be together. I can see a real change in him - he looks and sounds much more confident and sure of the way he feels about me, and vice versa, so trust has been building up again.

Now this is something which may be coming up very soon (i.e. a re-propsal), my partner is starting to experience extreme anxiety again. This fills me with dread...a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that things will start to disintegrate between us again and his anxiety will set me off and we are right back where we were a year ago. :( . His worries about the future, whether he will feel anxious after he is married...fills me with so much self-doubt and worry. :(

What can we do together to manage these anxieties when they come up to prevent it from escalting? I don't experience comittment phobia at all...I am the opposite...so it's so painful to have these episodes. I donlt know to cope with it...I've got insecurity issues myself so it taps into all my worst fears. Does anyone with anxiety issues have any advice or strategies for me as a partner, and for him, and things we can do or talk about together? Sorry for the long post. Just very worried. :roll:

Please help. x

[skyhigh]

Needless to say, this was horrible and incredibly painful. Ultimately, his extreme anxiety made it impossible for me to marry him. So I had to cancel it.

Sorry- this sounds as though I couldn't possibly marry someone with anxiety issues - It's not that, I have some too. It was just at the time being so anxious whether it was right or not was manifesting itself in not sending out invites etc, and it just became too uncomfortable to feel it was the right thing to do at that time.

Sorry if my post sounded critical or harsh. :?

[Fudge]

Sorry to hear about your situation Skyhigh, its a tough one and I can tell how difficult it has been for you and your partner.

While I think I can give you some direct suggestions, I think maybe the best thing I can do is to give you an analogy to ponder on. I think this might help wrap up a lot of what I have to say without being too overwhelming. So here goes.

Think of your proposal/marriage as the ocean. While most people regard it as inviting, some people, as we know, can be extremely terrified by it. Sometimes their false perception can be so intense that no matter what you tell them they won't believe a word you say, even if you give them reassurances they would normally openly receive and take. So imagine, your partner is one of these people who is very scared by the ocean. Now imagine what it would be like if you asked him (or worse yet, if he thought it his duty to ask you) to run in a full sprint into the sea, where it's waves are crashing and it's water unclear from your particular field of view. Imagine how he'd feel by it, what he'd be thinking and what he'd do?

Now imagine if you encouraged him to take small steps without any expectations of jumping into the sea - slow and steady; allowing him to become accustomed to his surroundings. Also imagine if instead picking a crashing/unclear ocean, you chose a beach where the waves and the water was less intimidating and easier to deal with. Imagine how he'd react, how he'd feel and what he'd ultimately do.

What do you think?

[skyhigh]

I know...I need to let him do it in his own time in his own way. I am placing pressure on him, but I'm scared it won't happen if I dont.

I guess I'm insecure too and want the certainty that this is the man I;m gettig married to, having children with etc. I'm 33 and broody and I guess I'm starting to panic that it is never going to happen.

I don't mean to sound selfish, I guess I just find it hard as it feels like a rejection. We talk about it a lot and then when the time seems to be approaching whwen he's thought about doing it he panics and i sense this :unsure: then I panic as it fills me with insecurity. We both end up in a very anxious and uncomfortable place which has erroded the relationship in the past.

I don't doubt he loves me, but the anxiety seems to override everything whn it rears its head.

[Fudge]

Well let me say, I think its a very good sign that you two talk about getting married. And the fact that you are still together and considering marriage again shows that you both care for each other a lot and want to take the relationship to more profound level. This is absolutely reassuring.

While I don't know your partner, from what you said about his past, I'm suspecting he's seeing marriage as this extremely large mountain that he's not sure how to overcome. That in order to get married, everything has to be right and in its place for it to be successful. The thing is, he might very well be creating a scenario in his mind which can't be attained and this is why he hits a wall when the idea of marriage starts taking a physical form. Just think, while he may have overcome a lot of his own extreme thinking, marriage can be taken as such by even our society as a whole (just watch some romantic movies for examples), so for him to be falling into his old habits may not be so hard to understand.

The truth is, he may need to realize that while marriage is very fulfilling, it is about the work put into it that makes it successful. Sometimes things line up and sometimes they don't. Sometimes it'll go through good phases and sometimes bad ones. Sometimes even the love you have for one another will go up and it will go down. The thing is, all this is perfectly normal and the sooner he realizes this the sooner he will probably feel more secure about the process into marriage.

Do you two know any married couples by chance? If so, maybe get together with them and talk about what marriage has been for them and how their preconceived notions measured up to what real married life is actually like. Get your partner comfortable with the notion of what marriage is really about. I think over a bit of time he will come out of his shell and feel better knowing that marriage doesn't have to be this "preparation for war" type concept. ;)

And if you don't have any other couples to talk with, maybe try seeing a pre-marriage counselor to see if he or she can help you. Chances are, they will understand your situation and will be very helpful in pin pointing where his issues lie.

Lastly, keep talking about marriage, but in a way of what you think it will be like as oppose to the act of getting married. Try to find what you think is the most realistic scenario of what your marriage will be like. In other words, try to avoid notions that it will be "perfect" and "amazing", as there will be times where it will be neither.

Let me know if this helps any!!

[skyhigh]

Thanks for the good advice - it really helps and yes talking about what life will be like post wedding and not the wedding itself is probably a good idea to stop the build up of anxiety. I get lots of advice from friends not to talk about it at all so I don't stress him out so he feels pressured. I've had advice to let him 'own' his anxiety when he experinces it and stop trying to fix it. I just find myself being preoccupied with it and I let it affect my perceptions of our future. I want to be supportive and be able to tell him I believe in him but it's so hard sometimes when things have been cancelled due to the anxiety many times. We've had my flat on the market 3 or 4 times and it has come off due to the anxietry.

I get so frustrated, fearful, and I feel angry sometimes.

I guess these are natural reactions but they dont help him or us to get to where we want to be.