Separation anxiety as an adult

[Charlotte]

After a lifetime of anxiety problems, I have finally determined that my main problem is separation anxiety from my mother. I can remember being terrified of being separated from Mom when I was a child, up until I was 11 years old, and had school phobia on and off until I reached Grade 6. I never went on school trips as I was afraid of being away from home for more than few hours at a time. This was back in the 1960s, when problems like this in children were not addressed professionally -- I was basically just told to grow up and stop being such a baby.

Now that my mother is old and ill and I know her time with us is running out, this separation anxiety has recurred. I can't bear the thought of losing her, and every time she has a few days when she's unwell, I can barely function, eat, or do my job because I'm so scared she's going to die and leave me, and that I won't be able to go on or will get sick or go crazy without her. This goes way beyond the normal concern and worry that most people feel when a loved one is ill. It's affecting my whole life -- when I learn she's feeling ill, I feel the dread and panic hit me like a punch in the stomach. When she perks up again, it's like someone trips a switch saying "OK, you can relax and be happy again now" and my symptoms and bad feelings immediately vanish.

I've seen numerous counsellors and spent thousands of dollars trying to fix this problem, but to no avail. I am on a permament low dose of anti-depressants, but I don't want to get caught in the trap of taking higher and higher doses. There has to be another answer.

Has anyone else dealt with adult separation anxiety, and what did you do to help yourself? Thanks and blessings!

[Topcat]

Hi Charlotte

I can really relate to how you feel, I also hated to be separated from my mum as a child, I had school phobia, never went on trips and was only ever happy at home.

As an adult I developed agoraphobia when I bought my own flat as I didnt want to leave my mum's house, when I did finally move out I still saw my mum every day and spoke to her on the phone at least 3 or 4 times. When I was worried, anxious or ill she was always there for me and was the only person that made everything seem ok and if she said something would be ok I aways believed her and calmed down.

When my mum was 49 she got breast cancer and I was so scared she would die, as time went by and her cancer spread I suffered terrible panic attacks, I would go to her house first thing every morning to look after her (my daughter was a baby so I had to drop her off with a friend first) sometimes my anxiety was so bad that I would have to lay down as I was so dizzy I felt really guilty as she was so ill and I was really of no use to her, I would lay awake at nights shaking violently with panic at the fear of her dying. She died when she was 51 and I although I missed her terribly and still do I was surprised at how well I actually coped with it, of course if was hard and took a long long time to learn to live with it, when I had my second child I spent the whole time I was in labor crying for her. But the fact is life does go on as time goes by you do learn to live your life without your parents.

Your mum is still here, make the most of the time you have together and try not to get too worked up about life without her as I am sure you will cope better than you think :)

[rampagerose]

I'm 21 and I have some separation anxiety with my mother as well. I have no recollection of my early life trauma but it's marked down ever since that most of my personality issues stem from a severe illness when I was two. Both my mother and I contracted ecoli and were hospitalized separately for three months because our kidneys shut down. We were both on dialysis for that time and I did not see my mother while I was hospitalized.

Ever since then, because of that, and because my mother never got better, I have been unable to be far from her. I still live at home with her, actually! This summer she became very ill from an overload in her system and she nearly died. I ended up not being able to leave the house because of it. I have very big fears leaving her alone.

For me, I do not even allow myself to think of losing her. She's terminally ill, and she may not live long enough to see me get married or have children. However, while it isn't a "now" problem, I don't think of it. When it does happen, though, the best thing that can be done is to reach out for others for as much support as possible and let everyone know how you feel about it. Just don't stop living. For all the pain in the world, it's not worth allowing yourself to get caught up in it. My mother always said that she won't allow it if I feel sorry for myself and court the disasters that I think are happening.

[Charlotte]

Thank you for your compassionate messages. I'm so sorry that both of you have had to face, or are facing, losing your mothers at such a relatively young age. At least my mother is in her late 70s, and at an age when such things can be expected, even though I'd never be ready to lose her even if she lived to be 110.

Thanks also for your tips. You are right, rampagerose, that it's best not to dwell on it...and most of the time I don't. It's just when Mom has a flare-up of symptoms and I start thinking it's the beginning of the end and her liver is failing, that my self-control goes.

It's also good to know that one can get through this, and carry on with life, even with severe separation anxiety. I have had several people tell me that I'm stronger than I think, and that I will indeed find a way to cope when the worst happens. I know that no one lives forever, even those we love the most, and we have to find a way to learn to live without them and their support. In my good moments, I try to look on this as a growing and strengthening experience. And in recent years, I have worked hard at building up my social network of friends, and also belong to several groups that I volunteer for, so that I'll have something to turn to for support when she goes.

I know this isn't going to be easy, but it's comforting to know that others have got through this without going crazy.

[oceanney]

Hi!

It pains me to read your post because I realize how much pain you have been going through for such a long time. And it seems that you really have tried seeing therapists and all.

I am surprised that they haven't been able to address the obvious, that this really isn't about your mother. Don't get me wrong, we all love our mothers and we all seem to hate to see them grow older etc but it's normal and we kind of grow to accept the fact.

If you are feeling this intense pain thinking about your mother and the possible things that could be happening to her, it is really about something else.

I wish, for your own sake, that you can try to start looking past the surface and dig a little deeper and hopefully resolve it so that you can start enjoying your own life. Your mother has her life, you need to live yours to the fullest!

[Charlotte]

Thanks, oceanney. I agree there must be something else going on, but for the life of me I can't figure out what. I don't react this way when anyone else in my life is ill. And I hesitate to spend more money on counsellors when they really don't do any good. I have always had issues with anxiety and depression, so I know that is playing a role. I think it has something to do with feeling emotionally insecure and needing someone - e.g. Mom - to lean on. I am also afraid of being alone...I've lived with Mom for years and just can't picture living on in this house by myself after she's gone.

I guess I will just have to get through this the best I can when the worst happens.