anadirinlife
03-04-2009, 01:39 AM
hello all, this is my first time posting. i need a lot of help.
i'm a 23 year old male, and doctors tell me that i'm perfectly healthy physically. until 2 years ago, i never had any kind of anxiety or depression whatsoever. i have struggled with OCD my entire life, it was mainly handwashing, but it never interfered with my day to day life. anyway, 2 years ago is important because its when all of this began. i remember moving to college with a girlfriend at the time and realizing months later that i had made a huge mistake in moving in with her, but feeling very stuck in the situation and having to "deal with it". i remember the moment i realized that the living situation was not what i wanted, it was a sinking feeling and i subsequently became very depressed, feeling lows that i had never felt before. i remember feeling like nothing was holding me up at all. one day i had this anxiety attack (different from the panic attacks i get now) and going to the infirmary at school. they started me on antidepressants, and i started seeing a therapist. i also have to mention that at the time i was abusing drugs. i was smoking pot every day (had been doing so years before, too) and wanting to try all the drugs i had been wanting to try for awhile like LSD, ecstasy, and adderall (please don't be critical of me, i was a completely different person back then and have completely come to terms with how naive and stupid i was).
one night i was abusing adderall with my girlfriend at the time. in the span of one day i think i did close to 90 MG. it may have been less, i don't remember, but i doubt it was more. i remember being on the couch, smoking pot, when i felt this "disconnected" and faint feeling and what i remember as some kind of sensation in my left arm (it wasn't a sharp pain, but i do remember feeling something).
the days following this event, i was still abusing adderall and getting these "disconnected" sensations which would throw me into panic and bring me to the ER. doctors told me i was fine. i stopped abusing adderall and drugs altogether since then fearing that i had caused some kind of heart damage.
flashforward to today, i'm still a depressed mess and now get frequent panic attacks. occasionally, my panic attacks are so severe that i get the same "disconnected" feelings i felt when abusing the adderall.
to describe my panic attacks, i have constant tension which then make way for a fast heartrate (which i obsess over constantly by checking my pulse), fatigue, and sometimes dizzy feelings and most rarely the "disconnected" feelings. i've had panic attacks so severe that i've felt like i was going to black out. every time i do, i go to the ER and my vitals are elevated which alerts the doctors, but when they run tests they can't find ANYTHING. I've had EKGs, echocardiograms, blood texts, x rays, thyroid tests, you name it. All come back completely normal. I've spoken to cardiologists who say they'd bet their salaries that there is nothing wrong with my heart.
is it possible that doing the 90 mg of adderall that night was too much, and that it has caused brain damage resulting in these "disconnected" sensations and panic disorder? i've spoken with psychiatrists who all have said that 90 mg isn't enough adderall to do any kind of damage whatsoever.
the thought that i've caused my panic disorder and these "disconnected" sensations through irresponsible drug abuse is something that i can't seem to get over. sorry for the long post. i really need help.
i'm a 23 year old male, and doctors tell me that i'm perfectly healthy physically. until 2 years ago, i never had any kind of anxiety or depression whatsoever. i have struggled with OCD my entire life, it was mainly handwashing, but it never interfered with my day to day life. anyway, 2 years ago is important because its when all of this began. i remember moving to college with a girlfriend at the time and realizing months later that i had made a huge mistake in moving in with her, but feeling very stuck in the situation and having to "deal with it". i remember the moment i realized that the living situation was not what i wanted, it was a sinking feeling and i subsequently became very depressed, feeling lows that i had never felt before. i remember feeling like nothing was holding me up at all. one day i had this anxiety attack (different from the panic attacks i get now) and going to the infirmary at school. they started me on antidepressants, and i started seeing a therapist. i also have to mention that at the time i was abusing drugs. i was smoking pot every day (had been doing so years before, too) and wanting to try all the drugs i had been wanting to try for awhile like LSD, ecstasy, and adderall (please don't be critical of me, i was a completely different person back then and have completely come to terms with how naive and stupid i was).
one night i was abusing adderall with my girlfriend at the time. in the span of one day i think i did close to 90 MG. it may have been less, i don't remember, but i doubt it was more. i remember being on the couch, smoking pot, when i felt this "disconnected" and faint feeling and what i remember as some kind of sensation in my left arm (it wasn't a sharp pain, but i do remember feeling something).
the days following this event, i was still abusing adderall and getting these "disconnected" sensations which would throw me into panic and bring me to the ER. doctors told me i was fine. i stopped abusing adderall and drugs altogether since then fearing that i had caused some kind of heart damage.
flashforward to today, i'm still a depressed mess and now get frequent panic attacks. occasionally, my panic attacks are so severe that i get the same "disconnected" feelings i felt when abusing the adderall.
to describe my panic attacks, i have constant tension which then make way for a fast heartrate (which i obsess over constantly by checking my pulse), fatigue, and sometimes dizzy feelings and most rarely the "disconnected" feelings. i've had panic attacks so severe that i've felt like i was going to black out. every time i do, i go to the ER and my vitals are elevated which alerts the doctors, but when they run tests they can't find ANYTHING. I've had EKGs, echocardiograms, blood texts, x rays, thyroid tests, you name it. All come back completely normal. I've spoken to cardiologists who say they'd bet their salaries that there is nothing wrong with my heart.
is it possible that doing the 90 mg of adderall that night was too much, and that it has caused brain damage resulting in these "disconnected" sensations and panic disorder? i've spoken with psychiatrists who all have said that 90 mg isn't enough adderall to do any kind of damage whatsoever.
the thought that i've caused my panic disorder and these "disconnected" sensations through irresponsible drug abuse is something that i can't seem to get over. sorry for the long post. i really need help.