am i completely alone????

[patience1983]

Hi everyone...I have had anxiety now for about 11 years.....It has been on and off but for the past 4-5 years it has been on. My anxiety now is a lot different from the way it was 10 years ago when it began. When it first started I was having panick attacks all the time, day or night it didn't matter. I used to be scared of EVERYTHING! including food, juice, pop, medication, pills, outside, and basically anything that went into my body that wasn't water. I stopped eating and drinking anything because I was scared of it for some reason. That was a long time ago though and my anxiety now is different from the way it was back then. I still carry some of those fears, like I still won't touch pop or anything with caffeine in it. I also won't take meds or pills (only advil) and that is in worst case scenario.

The problem that I have had that has developed a little over 2 years ago is this routine. I rarely have actual full blown panick attacks anymore but everyday I live in fear. I began this routine like I said over 2 years ago, where I have to and I mean HAVE TO be in bed by 9pm or ultimately I am doomed! Which is ridiculous and starting to take a toll on me. I am only 26 years old and my friends and family don't understand what I am going through. They sometimes poke fun or get mad because I can't do a lot of things with them because I have to be home by 7 or 8pm to go to bed at 9. I continued this routine this whole time and it gets me through the day so that I dont have a panick attack. I feel like I am a prisoner of the time. During the day I am so grateful because I am 100% free of anxiety. Like absolutely NOTHING! but once it starts to get dark out that's when it all hits and I start to get scared.

The reason it has been hitting me so hard lately is because I was able to ignore this for over 2 years. I was able to just succumb to my anxiety and follow its rules so that I can avoid having a panick attack. Now I can't ignore it anymore. I have no choice but to deal with it. I recently applied for a job that I really wanted! I knew it was evening shifts but I told myself, I really want this job! and if it means I have to deal with my night time thing then I guess I have to. I ended up getting the job.......my shifts rotate...every 2 weeks im on days...8am -4pm which my first two weeks I did, but I just started my night shift from 4pm-midnight. I started it last week. Today is actually my 4th midnight shift. I've done really well my first 3 evening shifts. I didnt actually panick and the world DIDN'T come to an end like I thought it would. I've done actually a lot better then I thought, but I still struggle with my anxiety. I still get that scared feeling in my stomach and I still get sad and depressed about being anxious. I guess that's why I'm on here...it always helps to talk to someone. I just found this anxiety forum and I think its great because not one person I know has the same problem as me. I feel so alone sometimes and nobody seems to understand whats going on in my head. They just think im silly for having this anxiety and always say " it's just in your head" like hellooooooooooooo CLEARLY it's in my head! but it's not that easy to deal with this anxiety. I've had it for eleven years now and I just get so sick of it. I have never been the type of person to play the victim and I've actually always been greatful for the life I got although some might think it was a struggle right from the get go, but yea now that I've had my anxiety for so long I get so sick of it....and now am thinking..........WHY ME!!!! Anyways thanks for listening.....I really just would like someone to talk to...thanks :)

[Topcat]

Your not alone and there are a lot of positives in your post. It is really great that you are no longer afraid of everything like you were and that you have started a new job knowing that you will have to face your anxiety of night time head on.

You have done the hardest thing in taking this job and you should find the more you do the late shift the easier it will become

:)

[Vicki]

I don't think things are half as bad as you might think they are! You've said yourself that you know your fears are all in your head, and this is a huge step towards banishing them forever! You know your fears are not rational and you know you can cope with the night shifts because you've already covered several of them!

The key now is not to let yourself get worked up with trying to cope with any negative thoughts you might have, instead focusing on your achievements and how much easier it's going to get for you as you get used to later nights. Do you have any techniques you can apply to keep yourself calmer? Or something such as rescue remedy that might help you feel more confident in your ability to cope?

[tripin4u03]

I can understand how you feel alone. I just found this site and I am trying to get questions answered to . I acually am nervous around soda with caffenie in it and I also never will drink colored soda so I drink sprite because I get scared coke or mountain dew will eat my teeth away (I know it sounds weird) plus I have migranes weekly and caffeine does that to me (so i also avoid teas and coffe).

Also you have to be in bed eveynight before 9pm so you can sleep and I have to at least sleep 4 hours every 2 days (weird but nothing lets me sleep) and ive been doing that for a little while now also when i do sleep I cant have a single wrinkle in the sheets or becovers (weird since everytime you lay down you wrinkle it). I am scared of the night for some reason and have no idea why it just makes my head run with crazy imagination.
My family and friends don't understand whats going on in my head either which leaves me frusterated at them and sometimes angry. Friends are like well party and you wont feel that way. But I cant go to partys or out with them because i will have a panic attack before during and after with them. It feels like Im putting all my emotion and energy in just standing there. Family tells me to just go with it but everything ive tried doesnt work. I want to find a pill that works for me. Sleeping pills make me energized, anxiety pills still leave me with anxiety plus not being able to sleep, they tried giving me adderall and nothing happened beside not sleeping for longer so I am fearful of trying any other pill now.

I think that its sometimes good to do something you fear like you working at night because it can show you that maybe you dont have to be scared. Do you know what your scared of the most? Or is it an overall feeling of night and how it can make you feel?

That made me laugh how you said its all in your head lol. Truth is it is but its so hard to convince your head that its not. If it was easy there wouldnt be psychologist or psychiatrist to help you be brought back down. It doesnt help to ignore your anxiety because (with me) it always comes back to bite you in the butt when you least expect it. So just try the breathing they teach you and dont mask it you know. It wont be benificial in the long run because it will come back if you dont deal with it.

Also I have to tell you something funny about what happened (at the time it wasnt but now it is). My fiance and I went to play blackjack at a little casino with 4 or 5 tables and I was getting so nervous. After the first hand and I lost I played my other chips and I literally held my breath and was freaking out so badly ( and it was only a 3 dollar min table lol). So My fiance was like breath its a game. After that hand lets just say I never went back to play. But panic attacks can just come so easily and it makes me look back at that and laugh because it was so unsuspected and everyone at that table was just staring at me while I was turning red like it was a life or death situation. I just wanted to add that to make you smile and laugh a little.