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SickJoke
01-28-2009, 10:37 PM
Important: only read this if you are ready and healthy enough to start making changes to overcome social anxiety. If the tone of this post seems strong, it's because SA demands psychological strength to overcome. Be patient but persistent. Never beat yourself up.

I'll be updating frequently
I hope this helps

Q: I hold back because I'm afraid of getting hurt

A: Let yourself get hurt! The pain that comes from "fear of being hurt" IS SO MUCH WORSE than actually getting hurt. When you live in constant fear, you are in CONSTANT PAIN! Stop protecting yourself from your imaginary fears. You need to feel real pain in order to feel real pleasure.

Please, PLEASE try wearing your heart on your sleeve just once. Show your true personality Let someone hurt you. Realize that it's okay to get hurt, and living in fear is so much more painful. Do this and you'll see what it feels like to actually be alive.

Q: I'm often fantasizing about having a better life because I hate my current situation

A: A huge key to happiness is the act of accepting reality. Denying reality leads to ultimate suffering (trust me, I've been there). You can't change anything until you first accept that "it is, the way it is". Living in a fantasy world might be fun for a while, but it won't change reality.

So once you've accepted your situation, you can decide to make changes. Let's say you see yourself as inadequate (hypothetically). Okay, what would you be like if you were adequate? Make a list of the qualities that you would have if you saw yourself as adequate. These are your goals. Some might be: to be in good shape or to be confident.

Then do some research and figure out how you can reach these goals. Arrange them from short term to long term, and make a specific course of action that will let you reach your goals.

Q: I don't know how to have a conversation; I can't think of anything to say

A: You're thinking too hard. You're stuck inside your head. You're trying to think of something to say, then you're analyzing whatever you come up with, thinking "nah, that's stupid, I'll sound like an idiot, that's boring, he won't be interested," etc, etc.

CLEAR your head. OPEN yourself up, be a blank canvas. Stay outside, in REALITY, not inside your own head. LISTEN closely to what the other person is saying; be INTERESTED in the conversation. ENJOY their company. Most importantly, have FUN! Put yourself out there, DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK!

I know it's not easy with SA. Life isn't easy. Everyone knows the keys to being healthy are to exercise and eat right, but how many obese people are there in the US? They don't have the focus and the discipline. I just told you the keys to having a comfortable conversation. It's up to you to focus and use them.

It might sound like I'm being really firm, but this is it. This is what works. The only thing stopping you is the belief that you can't do it. Someone can preach to you all day long, but it's up to you to decide when you're ready to let go of your negative beliefs. That's all that SA is, a set of negative beliefs.

The most powerful piece of advice I've ever heard is this: "brother let your heart be wounded, and give no mercy to your fear." It's from a song that might just change your life. You can listen to it here: [placeholder] (Live - Run to the Water)

Q: I have trouble performing tasks in front of others

A: It's because you're not focusing on the task. Pictures are flashing into your brain so fast that you might not even realize it. In these pictures you're visualizing making a mistake, and the people around you laughing, pointing, looking confused at what you're doing, judging you, etc. You're also having self defeating thoughts like "I can't do this, I hate this, why do these people have to be watching me, I'm going to screw up I know it."

With all of this brain chatter, between the mental pictures and the defeating self-talk, you're not even paying attention to what you're doing. You're too busy imagining possible disasters, remembering times that you made mistakes, and telling yourself that you can't do it. All of this might even be subconscious and it will just feel like your mind is going blank.

So what can you do? The first step is to recognize these absurd, paranoid thoughts. Become aware of the thoughts. BREATHE! I know you've heard it before, don't blow it off because it really does work. Become aware of your breath, take in a nice deep, smooth comfortable breath. Distance yourself from the thoughts, like you're a scientist simply observing. Let those negative thoughts pass. Don't fight them, just accept that you had those thoughts and let them pass. Pay attention to what you're doing, and if the negative thoughts show up again, repeat the process.

1. Recognize that you're having paranoid thoughts.
2. Breathe. Deep, slow, comfortable breaths.
3. Distance yourself from these negative thoughts. They are not you. They are your past haunting you.
4. Accept that you are having these irrational thoughts. It's okay.
5. Let the thoughts pass. Don't try to fight them. Just breathe and let them pass.
6. Pay attention to what you're doing.

This will work, but you have to make the conscious effort to DO IT. Ram this stuff into your brain over and over, and eventually you won't even have to think about it anymore.

Q: I feel uncomfortable walking outside

A: What you can do is notice how you walk when you're in the comfort of your own home, when you're relaxed. You probably lean back, your shoulders are pushed back comfortably, your chin is up and your neck is relaxed. Also notice how you're breathing, probably nice smooth, comfortable deep breaths.

Now next time you're walking outside, remember how comfortable you felt walking in your home, and take on that same body language and breathing, and you might be surprised at how comfortable you feel outside. You might even think to yourself "hey, I'm feeling pretty good."

Q: I can't fake being happy; I appear to be sad/anxious.

A: It's good that you're being genuine; you're wearing your heart on your sleeve. There are a lot of fake people in this world (but I don't judge them, they're doing the best they can). It would be nice if you could figure out how to be happy on the inside, and the outside would follow suit.

The interesting thing about our biology, though, is that body language does play a rather big role in determining our emotional state, but it's only half the game. If you put on a big fake cheesy smile but you're still thinking about how miserable you are, chances are you'll continue to feel miserable. But if you look in the mirror and give yourself a nice genuine smile and think to yourself "I was feeling down a minute ago, but for the moment right now I feel pretty good" you might actually start to feel good.

Try this experiment:
Slump over in your chair, put your elbows on your knees and your head in your hands and think to yourself "I'm miserable"

Then sit up tall, lean back, raise your chin and look up above eye level and think to yourself "Yeah, I feel all right"

Notice the difference this has on your emotional state. Now, it's impossible to lie to yourself. You can't convince yourself that you're the happiest person alive if you truly believe that you're miserable. But what you can do is carry yourself in a way that's a little more positive than you're used to, and realize that you're making progress, feeling a little better each day. Because in the end, it's all in your head. As soon as you allow yourself to start being happy, you will be happy.

Q: I'm uncomfortable accepting compliments and criticism

A: If someone gives you a compliment, just thank them. Chances are they meant it, or they were being polite because they like you. If someone gives you constructive criticism, respect their opinion and consider if they're right or wrong. If someone just plain insults you, that's their problem, and they are the one with the issue, not you.

Q: I'm afraid that my friends don't like me; I can't get close to my friends

A: These people are probably your friends because they like you and enjoy your company. If you enjoy their company as well, then spend time with them and the relationship will naturally grow. But if you're constantly worrying about them not liking you, then they'll get the feeling you don't like them. Just have fun with them.

SickJoke
01-28-2009, 11:08 PM
Q: Before I make a phone call, I panic and worry about what to say, then after the call I criticize everything that I said

A: First you need to take control of the physical side of the panic attacks. Amazingly, your body language and your breathing have a huge impact on your emotional state. Sit up or stand up tall and strong. Think of someone who is confident and capable, and stand how he would stand. Push your shoulders back a little, chin up a little, feet shoulder width apart. Look softly above the horizon. Take up some space. You deserve to be comfortable. Lean back and relax. Breathe deep and comfortably.

Now, don't worry about every little detail, every little word and phrase that you're going to say. Only have one thing in your mind: what do you want to accomplish from this phone call? What's the main goal? Making an appointment? Setting up an interview? Fine. Just keep the main goal in your mind and the details will take care of themselves.

Finally, after you've made the call, don't beat yourself up. NEVER beat yourself up. Be your own best friend. Feel good because you did it! You made the call. And when you make mistakes, separate the emotion from the mistake. Look at the mistake as if you're a scientist observing it objectively. Now, instead of dwelling on it, think about how you can improve next time. There is no such thing as failure, only opportunities for learning and growing.

Q: I can't defend myself when someone makes fun of me; it brings me down

A: You're giving your power away to these people who make fun of you. You're letting them determine how you feel. We have the ability to choose how we respond to every stimulus. Next time someone says something like that to you, stop for a moment. Become aware of your posture and your breathing: your physiology directly affects your emotional state. Sit or stand up a little taller, push your shoulders back a little bit, raise your chin a little, take in a nice deep breath. Ask yourself, "Is this really a big deal? Am I really going to let this guy, or anyone, bring me down?" If you take control of your emotions, you won't even feel the need to defend yourself, you'll be able to laugh it off.

Useful links:
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. This is a life changing book for anyone, just read the reviews. It teaches you to live in the moment. [placeholder]

Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step By Step. Cognitive behavioral therapy in the comfort of your own home. This is invaluable. [placeholder]

NewPoster111's insights on "defeating the 3rd person perspective." Open your mind and read what he has to say, there's a lot of wisdom in his posts. [placeholder]

intentus18
04-06-2009, 08:39 PM
Great advice :)

dtrotter
07-19-2009, 10:35 PM
The fear of being failure and fear of getting hurt is worse than getting hurt itself. Seriously, this is really helpful to everyone out here.

fernandogress
08-11-2009, 01:36 AM
That's good to know.This useful information.Thanks for the nice collection of this posts.

toughgirl
03-11-2010, 06:29 AM
Thanks, this info really helps me as I struggle with many of these issues daily.
I will print a copy of it out and use it when I get in trouble.

Cheers

MikeJsimon
03-13-2010, 08:16 AM
When it comes to overcoming social anxiety, you need to be comfortable first and foremost. Why don't you start by going out with your closest friends or even your family?

Quoted from:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-in-3-Easy-Steps&id=3880108

spirowilliam
08-05-2010, 09:39 AM
I have visited your mention link and get the valuable information from there for the Social Phobia. I got the information that the reason of it occurs and how to solve it. I am thankful to you.

Robbed
08-06-2010, 01:50 PM
Q: I don't know how to have a conversation; I can't think of anything to say

A: You're thinking too hard. You're stuck inside your head. You're trying to think of something to say, then you're analyzing whatever you come up with, thinking "nah, that's stupid, I'll sound like an idiot, that's boring, he won't be interested," etc, etc.

CLEAR your head. OPEN yourself up, be a blank canvas. Stay outside, in REALITY, not inside your own head. LISTEN closely to what the other person is saying; be INTERESTED in the conversation. ENJOY their company. Most importantly, have FUN! Put yourself out there, DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK!

I know it's not easy with SA. Life isn't easy. Everyone knows the keys to being healthy are to exercise and eat right, but how many obese people are there in the US? They don't have the focus and the discipline. I just told you the keys to having a comfortable conversation. It's up to you to focus and use them.

It might sound like I'm being really firm, but this is it. This is what works. The only thing stopping you is the belief that you can't do it. Someone can preach to you all day long, but it's up to you to decide when you're ready to let go of your negative beliefs. That's all that SA is, a set of negative beliefs.

The most powerful piece of advice I've ever heard is this: "brother let your heart be wounded, and give no mercy to your fear." It's from a song that might just change your life. You can listen to it here: [placeholder] (Live - Run to the Water)

I disagree with this. While being more relaxed in front of others will make conversation go better than the alternative, it's NOT going to release a treasure trove of good conversation material within you. The way I see things, a good part of my problem is the fact that the things that I am interested in and care about are VASTLY different from those that most people are interested in and care about. When I listen to others converse, I often feel like they are speaking in a foreign language. The vast majority of the time, I find that people talk about things which I know little to nothing about, and don't really care about in the first place. But at the same time, most people don't really care about what I have to say, either. I think this sort of thing is probably rather common with people who have social anxiety. You might say that people like myself have to change. But the truth is that if you don't care about such things as, say, sports or the lastest popular TV show, that's NOT going to change.

What's REALLY interesting here is that most people often say that they LIKE to meet people who are different, citing that 'normal' people just get boring. But my experience suggests that this is ANYTHING but true. In much the same way that MANY women say that they consider bald guys to be sexy, people tend to say one thing but not really mean it.

Fear
08-09-2010, 07:28 AM
hi,you're nice and wise.I'm Chris I would like to have an advice.
First of all I gotta say that like everyone else in here I create my own problems.My problems fit according to what I'm living.I'm a worrying person.I can worry about lots of things and when it happens I can't get rid of it.This is my REAL problem.
I tried to follow those steps you wrote,even before reading them,on my own.I had results.Good reasults! But I still keep on worrying a lot at times.Even when there is no reason at all.In my life I never had guts.In following your suggestions I decided on my own to face fear.Facing fear is the hardest thing EVER! So I found out I can even be strong in a way.I have to accept the fact that I need lots of time to get used to things.
The socializing thing: I'm not particularly social,if I would I wouldn't be here :tongue: .What I forgot my difficulties are is to be social and feel accepted by males.I'm 24 and look a lot younger,like 15 or 16! People look at me like someone to protect and that's good,coz it helps me a lot to come closer to them.And be friends.But now my new problem is:they don't really treat me like one of them.
I mean things are:
-I'm shy with males
-at work after a while I get used to males and don't feel shy anymore,but they just consider me a little girl,or don't bother me at all
-I knew a guy,he flirted with me,I fell in love,he decided it wasn't the case to try with me,I don't know how to behave with him.I should be natural but I can't I'm too nervous and too scared to lose him (this is to explain better anyway)
-I don't know how to strike males in general,they don't speak

The guy.
I always had a particular relationship with males for my hole life,they've always been more important than girls even for friendship.THere's always been a protective figure,male,in my life.Now,I'm the kind of person that needs to feel when a male loves her,I like cuddles,thats not something with no purpose ,just for the sake of it.WHen someone hugs or kisses me or say something nice to me I feel protected.I feel loved and accepted.Soemthing I struggle to feel with males,coz they can be very mean.
We got different times of working with this guy and I barely see him.I am not objective with him.I ruin things.I miss him a whole lot.WHen I'm there and I'm about to go I NEED to find an excuse and pass by him.Or I can't leave.I'm obsessive,even more coz he keeps me far.It makes me feel bad.I asked to a friend of his thats even mine,she's 42 and he is 35,if he said something to her about me.She said :"He always says you're a nice,quiet sweet girl.He adores you!" The thing in my head instead is,he doesn't look at me or greets me without winking at me,he doesn't love me anymore!
You know,that's so stupid,I know,but I struggle to find a way to always try to find something that will catch his attention.And I'm not an aggressive person (apart when needed) or someone who always wants to be at the center of things,so that's hard.Im scared to lose what he created before.

Fishing_guy
08-15-2010, 12:07 PM
Fear,

Are you saying this guy just flirted with you a few times and you fell in love with him, but you are not in an actual relationship right? Or have you like went out with him and stuff on dates? From what you wrote it sounds like there isn't much to lose, unless I'm mis-reading what you wrote. All you have is something to gain, not lose.

Did this guy just stop flirting with you or what? It's always important to make sure the person you are pursuing (I guess it is more"setting up to be persued by" in a women's case) is actually interested in you. You need to fall in love with someone who feels the same way about you.

You also have to think, is there a reason this person might not want to be in a relationship (and I mean a real relationship) with me? For instance, I am 24 and grew pretty close to an older women (37). The relationship was purely physical and I was of no use to her as anything but a physical play toy. She taught me all I needed to know about being a man and pleasing a woman, and I new I was falling in love. But, there was no chance that we could have a relationship. I mean, we were over a decade apart and didn't have anything in common. She had kids and I was fresh out of college and there was no way I could have been what she needed in her life, but it was still fun and I'll treasure the experience forever. Would it have been nice to have her fall in love with me and we live hapilly ever after, yeah sure, but it wasn't going to happen, so I was honest with myself and moved on. You have to find someone who is right for you, and will love and care for you in the way you deserve to be cared for.

mercyshy
08-18-2010, 12:07 AM
I have printed copies of your post; for my office, house and bag. I do have serious SAD and I think your advices could helped me in dealing with this. I fear that people won't like me or reject me or criticize me. I am really trying now to overcome and cope up with it.

Fear
08-22-2010, 08:20 AM
Fear,

Are you saying this guy just flirted with you a few times and you fell in love with him, but you are not in an actual relationship right? Or have you like went out with him and stuff on dates? From what you wrote it sounds like there isn't much to lose, unless I'm mis-reading what you wrote. All you have is something to gain, not lose.

Did this guy just stop flirting with you or what? It's always important to make sure the person you are pursuing (I guess it is more"setting up to be persued by" in a women's case) is actually interested in you. You need to fall in love with someone who feels the same way about you.

You also have to think, is there a reason this person might not want to be in a relationship (and I mean a real relationship) with me? For instance, I am 24 and grew pretty close to an older women (37). The relationship was purely physical and I was of no use to her as anything but a physical play toy. She taught me all I needed to know about being a man and pleasing a woman, and I new I was falling in love. But, there was no chance that we could have a relationship. I mean, we were over a decade apart and didn't have anything in common. She had kids and I was fresh out of college and there was no way I could have been what she needed in her life, but it was still fun and I'll treasure the experience forever. Would it have been nice to have her fall in love with me and we live hapilly ever after, yeah sure, but it wasn't going to happen, so I was honest with myself and moved on. You have to find someone who is right for you, and will love and care for you in the way you deserve to be cared for.

Now I tell you what.
Almost two years ago I started working in the actual place I am now.I barely noticed this guy,one,coz I was shy at first meeting with guys,two I prefer they come to me so like you said I'm sure there's a real interest towards me and 3 I just didn't expect to find someone who told me the things he would have to.In my mind there was only:now that I have a job I gotta better my ways with people,be more social and try to make friendships.I spent years and years isolating myself,even more coz I couldn't find a job.I felt REALLY lonely and I was really vulnerable from the sentimental point of view.So I didn't think about love,let's say I had other problems to solve,basic ones,as you can understand.
Actually,I feel ashamed but,this was the first time I fell in love with someone, and meeting him love wasn't what I expected from him so it happened with time going on there with him.
This guy tried to catch my attention in every way.I was really shy and could barely talk to him but he was persistent.This didn't last a week you know,but months.He told me sweet things like:you're so sweet,you're so cute,I adore your smile,I like the way you are,I would like to know you,...I mean this and other.
He asked me if he could take me home lots of times,but I always said no coz I was scared to death.
Once I faced my fear and pretended I needed a ride,so he asked me if I wanted it and I said yes.Days before he said to me:"I got something to tell you,something serious but beautiful".WHile in the car with him I asked him what it was and he said (he was serious,really,I could see he wasn't lying at all!):"oh,well,I gotta find the right words.I think you are an interesting person and a wonderful girl so I...would like to know you.But...you know I got a daughter and I don't know if you think ai'm a good father ".I asked him why he talked about her.I pretended not to get what he was telling just to avoid to think he had that kind of interest towards me while it wasn't real at all.I wanted to be sure that he was interested in me on that way.We didn't know each other at all and for me it was so damn hard to come near him.I struggled immensely to fight my fears and my shyness!SO I could never talk clearly with him.I didn't look for him never,coz I thought:"If this one is pretending and he sees I fall to his feet he will feel so good to hurt me and I will feel desperate for my insecurities.If he lies to me he will stop in a week.But didn't.
So I stayed far but I tried to make him understand I appreciated his ways.There was a nice feeling between us.He was delicate and patient.I tried to explain him why I was so shy.I didnt tell him what you all know but...he said:"You got to promise me you will never change coz I like you the way you are".
Another thing happened.A new girl came working there,she was really young and had a baby already.They talked together and stuff.They seemed to have fun.She seemed to know how to catch his attention while I couldn't say two words in a raw to him.I was damned jealous.This was the first time I was starting to notice that maybe I was falling in love.I didn't tell him anything,I didn't think to have the right,we never even kissed.He came to me,one day and told me:"Are you jealous of that girl?You shouldn't,there's only you for me,really!" I mean,when someone tells you something like that what do you think?
He even said he could't stand her,coz she went around saying things about him and I said:"Is it better me,I don't speak at all!" and he said "You don't need to speak,your face does to me."
I never really understood if he meant it or not.But I didn't want to say no for the millionth time.So I risked.Things went on.
He started to asked me for a kiss,but I was too shy and scared he was joking.And he laughed quietly at times maybe because of my shyness.
When we worked till 9 pm I went to him,when he was lonely and put my hand in his,he didnt say go away or things like that,but hi beautiful and sweet words.In one of those moments I told him I love you (in the sense of affection more then else) and he said,me too.
One morning I found the courage to tell him:"I like you too."
He gave a real quick kiss and went away.Days after he told me he had been thinking about me...He created something between us that can't just be defined.Something really special that pushed me to go near him more and more.I started to notice he had weird behaviours.Some days he barely greeted me.I had doubt and things.He was going far from me for no reason.I was dying inside really.

"...You have to find someone who is right for you, and will love and care for you in the way you deserve to be cared for.[/quote]".This is what he told me at the end.

Now what I'm scared of is,if I stop looking for me he will stop too.He was full of attention for me before,he seems to forget me now so easily.I don't know
this is long but this is just a little part anyway thanks for asking,there's even more to explain
I even knew something about him that kind of shook me and made me think about his ways.

KrisBlush
08-28-2010, 09:18 PM
I really need these solutions coz I really want to know anything that can help me overcome my social anxieties. I am now on therapy but I still keep on searching for another tips or solutions to my problem. One thing I observe about myself is that I am afraid to have a conversations esp to strangers. I don't know what to say and I worry on what people may think of me because of what I'm saying. I just hope these tips could help me. Thanks a lot!

markdilon
09-04-2010, 06:40 AM
This is excellent advice, I think, and esp. achieved with a sports group focused on the type of people who are health conscious are lilely, and spread to you. Also you get to do all that beautiful exercise.

sherlockevans01
10-01-2010, 09:20 PM
Wow! Great post. I was really looking for this kind of post. I'm interested finding more posts about this topic. Anyone here can suggest where should I go? Thanks a lot.
Sherlock Evans

mickyjashuas
10-27-2010, 11:51 AM
Social anxiety is the most common emotional problems, face, although people are often reluctant to seek help to overcome it. Most people, at some point, some insult or embarrassment, involves some kind of performance or any other person to assess their risk of negative tension.

simonshopes
10-30-2010, 11:55 AM
It is very good topic for discussion. According to me i think that I really need these solutions, because I really want to know what, you can help me overcome my social anxiety. I am now in treatment, but I continued for another tips to find a solution to my problem.