Anxiety may be ruining my engagement

[SirDrums]

This is my first post here so: Hello 8)

My problem with anxiety is one I do not admit lightly as it’s very upsetting to me. Basically I think it’s ruining my engagement.

This is not my first bought with anxiety, about a year before I met my future wife; I had an anxiety attack followed by weeks of tightness in my chest and month of restlessness.

When I first met my Fiancé, I quickly fell in Love. She is beautiful, smart, caring, nurturing, funny and totally loyal and faithful. About 2 months into the relationship I felt what I came to called my first blah. It was a feeling that something wasn't right in the relationship when there really wasn't a problem at all. I would just get quiet, withdraw a bit and after a day or two, it would go away and I would return to my happy self.

At the time I was taking lexapro for my anxiety issue. I thought (stupidly) that the lexapro was causing my 'blahs'. So I began to wean myself off the med slowly over the next few months.

When I first got off the lexapro I experienced my first real high in the relationship. I was on cloud 9. Everything was great, our future was bright, she was soooo beautiful. I was so luck to have her in my life.

I few days later I hit another 'blah' or low. I was doubting the relationship again. So I just sucked it up and went on and like usual, a few days later, I was totally in love again.

At 6 months we became engaged. Happiest day of my life so far.

So I got used to the fact that I would have these swings. High, low, high. low on and on it went. But after awhile I realized that the swings got wider and wider. My highs were higher and my lows were lower.

I could always tell when I was starting to swing in the other direction. I could be extremely happy one day but underneath it all I could feel a bit of anxiety forming and within a few days I was in one of my blahs. Then while in blah, I could feel a tinge of happiness and a few days later, I was on top of the world. So on and on it went. I was always hoping that one day I could just get off the ride at the top and stay there.

Until this last week.

After being a great high and a wonderful weekend with my fiancée, I felt the blahs starting on the following Tuesday. By Friday I was lower than I have ever been. I was so low that I thought that I actually may have made a mistake with getting engaged with her. That thought freaked me out even more. I knew it wasn’t true, I knew it wasn't what I wanted, but there it was screaming at me, "You screwed up! Get out now! You'll never be happy!"

Saturday She was out dress shopping while I was out home reeling. Fighting with myself, telling myself I would rather die that to call this off. It didn't let up all day and when my fiancée arrived at my house that afternoon, I was in tears. I sat her down and told here everything, how I was feeling falling expecting her to freak out and leave. But she said she loved me more than anything in this world and would do whatever it takes to help me through it.

Sunday was an equally bad day. I couldn't eat or think, I totally broke down crying in the kitchen balling like a baby. My heart keep screaming, "Your not happy!, get out! get out now! She deserves better!" I knew it wasn't true. I kept saying, " I love her, I know deep down inside I do. Why won't you let me be happy?"

Monday I made an emergency visit to my "Head Doctor" and fearfully told him everything fearing he would tell me that I just need to back out and leave her. But instead he said I was have anxiety induced panic and prescribed me wellbutrin for the anxiety and clonazepam for the panicking.

It has been two days since I started the meds and even though it has become manageable and even relaxing at times I still am struggling with the panicky type feelings. Even though I can laugh, joke, cuddle and relax with my fiancée with no problem that panicky feeling remains.

My questions to all of you are how many of you have experienced that same thing? If so, how long did it take for you to get over it? What meds did you take? Any info you could give me about this would be great.

[northstar]

hi sirdrums, sounds like you're having a rough time at the moment :(

i am glad for you that you have such support in your lovely fiance, she sounds like a keeper :)

you know your kind of worry, that you don't really love her, is actually a really common one with anxiety. lots of people have come through here with the same problem, and i have been there too wondering if i really loved my boyfriend the way i should. personally i found that i didn't really need to deal with this directly, but as i learned to deal with the anxiety and started to recover my worries about my relationship seemed to fade away with the rest of the anxiety.

you might find it helpful to look at this other post i wrote: http://www.anxietyforum.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4087 i've written out all the things that helped me to get better, and you might find something helpful in it too. it's good that you've spoken to your doctor and are taking meds, but i believe that meds only tend to treat a symptom of the problem and don't help with getting to the root of things, so it's important that you work on yourself in other ways too in order to get yourself back into balance. so working on things like diet, lifestyle, exercise and making yourself happy should all benefit you in combination :)

you mentioned going to see a head doctor, does this mean that you are in regular counselling?? if not then you may like to look into it as it can really help with the irrational worrying. i hope you're feeling better soon :)

[SirDrums]

Thanks for the response. It makes me feel better knowing that there are other out there likes me and I am not just trying to fool myself.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. The anxiety makes me question my feelings constantly. It is so hard to tell myself that this is all just a chemical imbalance.

Since I last wrote I had a few day of peace, was excited about the wedding, was totally in love with my fiancé and the future seemed bright again. During the weekend we went to the circus and to JC penny's to create her registry. By the time we got to the circus I was getting really tired. The kids that were sitting around us we acting really rude and where tripping out on cotton candy. After getting hit in the head 5 times I was getting mad and I started to feel the anxiety creep up again.

Sunday We went to my parent’s house for dinner, we were both really tired and I was feeling a little anxious/panicky the whole day despite my medicine. For some reason when my Grandmother asked when I was going to invite all the people from the church I used to go to, it just caused me to snap. I started feeling panicky inside again. It was not as bad as last weekend but it was still the same feeling.

Now it’s Tuesday and even with the medicine its seems to come and go. I remember having those bad thoughts all day yesterday just to get home and see her there waiting for me and all I could do was just grab here and it made me feel soooooo much better. The great of the evening was great.

This morning, it back to the crazy feelings....


sigh.... I hope this gets better soon.

[brittypixi]

You know, I am going through the same thing as u and thinking something along the lines as I'm fooling myself is something I quite often think. If I feel loving and close to my bf ill think I'm faking or that I don't actually feel like that and I just want to etc. It sometimes seems like it won't ever go away. But before all this we'd been together a year and a half with no doubts AT ALL so somewhere I've gotta draw that line and say this really can't be real or I woulda left already. Hope hearing another story will help a bit. :)

[SirDrums]

I agree it’s a crazy circumstance we find ourselves in.

This last weekend was wonderful, no anxiety, no panicky feelings. I very much enjoyed my time I got to spend with my fiancé. I haven't had a weekend that good in years, just felt like peace had returned to my life. The day felt like the days I remember from my youth, just care free and full of life.

Today it’s back to those, panicky, oh my gosh I made a mistake feelings. No that I know what they are, I can handle them better. Though I will admit, those emotions are very strong and convincing so it’s still a struggle to not let my self believe what going through my mind.

It’s so strange, I feel panicky, anxious all day, and then she'll call, and for a moment, I feel so much better just to hear her voice. Or I get home, and feel so much better just to see her face and to hold her in my arms.

It's moments like those that make this so difficult to understand yet at the same time very clear as to what is going on.

[Fudge]

I get these feelings from time to time, but when it was the worst (which is very very similar to whats happening to you) I tried to figure out why I was having them and what exactly was triggering them. I realized over a good few months that it was because I was becoming very attached (over attached) to my girlfriend. It was like there was this void inside of me and the best way to fix it was to let my girlfriend fill it. I would go days with this building anxiety, up until I saw her - where it would be like bliss. However, the moment the bliss wasn't the same as it had previously been I would get periods of doubt as the internal void wasn't being filled and my brain began clinging. It went on for a while longer like this until I would begin to break down in panic. It wasn't until I had the thought of my grandparents that it changed. What happened was I began to wonder how grandparents could make it for 50 years, yet I was having this problem and it had only been a year and a half. So, I visualized how they were together and how it was different from me and my girlfriend. After a few times of this I realized something, "I am putting her up on a pedestal which is unrealistic. I am making her something she isn't and as such I am using her to fill a void internally." I honestly I forgot she was just a human being.. just like my friends.. just like my family members. So, I tried something. Every time the anxiety would build, I would visualize her and then visualize a friend and then place the feelings and understanding I have of my friend over her. Immediately I noticed the anxiety drop a little bit. So I did the same again. I visualized her, then my brother, and put that feeling and understanding over her... and again, it would drop further. I began doing this every time the anxiety would creep up until it brought down the anxiety to a reasonable level. After time, I began to really see a change. It was like I was seeing her more clearly, which thus made my connection with her stronger. And while, our blissful connection dropped significantly, so too did the anxiety over her. It also replaced it with a deeper connection. What's amazing is now the relationship is very strong.. where I've been with her for 7 years without a lot of overly difficult moments. Yes, there are some tiffs here and there, but its been a lot easier and my family and friends have taken notice of it.

Now to say the anxiety over her is gone I would be lying. It still appears because its a habit of mine, but it only creeps up once in a blue moon and is easy to control when it appears. All I do is what I mentioned above and I take notice that of my clinging behavior that's building up. That's it.

Anyhow, I hope this helps because honestly, I know how tough it is and how debilitating it can be. Just remember though, you're not alone in this and that there is always a way to make things better. You just have to see the suffering as a friend and its trying to tell you something.

Take Care