Post traumatic anxiety around going out to bars/clubs

[GunBoat]

Hey there, I'm brand new to this site. I'm a 21 year old gay male and I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety recently when it comes to going out to bars and/or clubs that wasn't really present this past year, until now.

I was raised in a very dysfunctional family, my mother had drug abuse problems and as a result I was exposed to a lot of situations with her where my life and her life felt threatened. There was a lot of screaming, yelling, and violence, not directed toward me but as a child witnessing 2 adults, one of which was my mother, fighting and screaming and shouting out death threats I felt a lot of fear and helplessness and it was very traumatic.

As an (independent) adult I am very much against drug use, as I associate it a lot with my mom and I try very hard to avoid being anything like her. I find it hard to be around people using drugs in front of me or with me when I go out, but until now it's never provoked much anxiety.

I recently met someone who I care a lot about who happens to struggle with drug addiction and who became HIV+ partly as a result of his participation in this lifestyle. He sometimes reminds me a lot of my mother, and since spending more time with him my anxiety around going out has increased dramatically, particularly in regards to gay bars/clubs. This individual really likes to party and go out, but our time spent together never involves that. I still hear lots of stories though, and our initial encounter involved me witnessing him engaging in extreme drug use, but never again afterwards.

I've slowly tried to separate myself from him but I can't help feeling afraid and in danger whenever I think about going out now to a bar or club, something I used to do many times a week over the spring, summer and fall. It felt safe before, it was exciting and fun and I met a lot of new people. Now everyone in the community seems out to hurt me, everyone seems cold and malicious somehow and completely devoid of kindness or emotion when I know that's not true. When I'm out or think about going out, I get a panic attack and I become very defencive and resistant to everyone around me and would rather be anywhere else.

I don't know how to overcome these feelings and make these places feel safe again. I don't expect to find an instant solution here; I just wanted to share my story. Thanks for listening if you're still reading!

[northstar]

hi gunboat, sorry to see all the trouble you're going through! especially not being able to do something you found so much fun before :( must be difficult.

just wondering have you considered getting some professional help, like going to see a therapist about your difficulties? it's definitely a good idea to remove yourself from the friendship as it's only caused you problems, but perhaps you'll find that some therapy will help you on your way before things get any worse :) i went to see a psychotherapist for just over a year and i found it great help.

it may be helpful to talk to your doctor, they can reccomend therapists in your area.

i hope you're feeling better soon :)

[GunBoat]

Thanks for the response :).

I do see a therapist actually, have seen her for about 3 years now. Very helpful in recovering from my experiences and this guy has become a BIG part of our sessions, let me tell you!

I've been reading a lot about PTSD lately. I've found the notion about not being able to process a traumatic event immediately as it's happening quite interesting. There was one event with my aforementioned friend that occurred in October that I slowly forgot about, but looking back it caused me a considerable amount of grief and trauma and I think that's when my anxiety got really bad, too. Funny how it slipped my mind... let me explain.

He and I had smoked a joint before going out to a small gay club together one night (I've only ever smoked pot, only drug I've ever tried and have only done it maybe 3 or 4 times in my life, this being one of those times). It made me extremely paranoid at his apartment, he banged something against a wall by accident and I freaked thinking it was drug dealers at the door coming to kill us, lol. Anyway, we went out to this club together and I felt ok at first, a bit anxious because I didn't know him well at this point, nor did I know the friends he was going to meet so it was awkward but nothing I couldn't handle.

At one point he told me he was going outside with his friends for a bit, and I immediately assumed he was going out to do cocaine or some other drugs with them (paranoia), which made me extremely uncomfortable. I was left alone for about 10 minutes, looking around all messed up on the joint I had smoked and felt very abandoned and hurt. No one around me was even acknowledging I was there. He came back after a while and didn't even bother to come find me. Later I approached him and he said he thought I had left or something. I got pissed off and went home.

I was an absolute mess for an entire month afterwards. I didn't hear from him again after that night until November so the whole thing went unresolved for a while. I had dreams about him, couldn't stop thinking about what had happened at work or any idle moment for that matter. Was extremely depressed, crying sometimes. He was someone I liked, we had spent the whole day together before going out that night and I really enjoyed his company. Then that happened, and the fact that it all revolved around drug use really made it hurt a lot more than it would have.

When I did hear from him again I asked him about the night, turns out he just went out with his friends while one of them had a cigarette, didn't use any other drugs at all that night even after I left. The month of silence was unrelated. I thought it was because of a rather harsh email I sent him a few days after that night, but it was sent to an email account that he never checks, only using it for online IM.

I felt silly and put it behind me and finally started to feel better. But my anxiety about going out didn't subside. What happened was so confusing, mainly because I was a bit stoned when it happened and imagined & believed things were going on that actually weren't. The pain I felt was real even though what was causing it wasn't. Perhaps I wasn't able to fully process everything that was going on. I had a whole month to beat myself up for it, too. Then one dinner date with him changes my whole perspective on it, finally getting a chance to confront him eliminated everything I was basing my argument on because it turned out none of it was real, it was all in my head.

I think going out now triggers memories and feelings from that night and is causing my anxiety. I guess I need to fully recover from it before I'll feel right again, but I feel like I've already done everything I can to move on. I've confronted him about it, learned the truth, accepted it... but the trauma is still there, the damage is done. It's very frustrating...

[DiamondSea]

I'm going through something Similar. One of my closer friends (who is also an addict) recently got into the habit of making baked drug goods. The idea of even being around drugs gives me intense feelings of anxiety as i've had bad experiences with them. I can't really hang out with him anymore because i'm so paranoid He's going to fuck with my food or medication. I know it's irrational but my mind has a tendency to make fears seem like realities. I've basically shut him out of my life, which is sad as i enjoyed his company and genuinely liked him. Maybe when he recovers we can be friends again.