Hi I'm Ryobi from Washington State...

[Ryobi]

Wow, I'm stoked to find this forum...

I looked for a forum like this a few years ago, but there were none...

I have social anxiety. I don't want to say disorder, because I'm tired of the world telling me that I'm defective.

I'm on disability and have been for a few years. I really struggle with the stigma associated with being on disability.

I live in an area that is really tough and violent. It really gets to me at times. I'm always kind of the odd man out. I tend to get bullied a lot. I act really tough, belligerant, and defient, to keep people off of me.

It seems, if you show weakness were I live, you tend to attract predators, but acting tough also tends to scare away decent people.

I tend to be misunderstood a lot.

I moved around a lot when I was growing up, and I had several abusive step-parents, and step-boyfriend, step-girlfriends.

I was a good looking guy, and I was athletic. Many people thought of me as a snob.

I was dealing with the anxiety by smoking and chewing tobacco, and now I am afraid I may have cancer but, I am not sure. I have an appointment in about 10 days with an ENT. I was doing a ton of nicotine, But I also tend to clench my mouth and tongue so....hopefully it's that and not cancer. I kind of want a second chance....

The last few years, I've been really bitter and angry. I was working crappy jobs, housekeeping .ect and I fought to get to university, and once I was at UNI, I worked my behind off. Not only was U dealing with the social anxiety, but I was also dealing with a herniated disk in my back. Needless to say, class was torture. But I fought. I wanted a better life.

After graduating, I just kept failing at every job- for one reason or another. Either I got hurt, or I could not deal with the anxiety.

I hate the stigma of disability. People seems to judge based upon their own life, rather than acknowledging, some have a longer race to run than others.

I worked so hard to succeed-harder than most. It's almost as though, the harder I work, the more likely I am to fail...

I'm single and have been for years. I can't seam to go out on Dates. I hate being single.

Man, I don't know what the answers are....Oh well, LOL.

[Ryobi]

Ope I forgot, I tend to have a really weird sense humor-kind of dark, dry, pompus and arrogant. It's one way, I've been able to cope with everything. For example, I have an, "I love explosives" bumpersticker on my car...

But most people definitely take me seriously, when they shouldn't. But that can also be a double edged sword. For example, with the bumpersticker, I have not been bullied, since putting it on my car, but the authorities follow me around, LOL. But to me, I just thought it was Funny-Oh well, lol.

I'm kind of the creative type, but have always been typcast as a Jock and popular kid, but I feel so far from that...I identify more with the outcasts, intellectuals, and weirdos.

I don't know-

thanks for the board...I'm glad there's something like it around.

[Robbed]

Although SO many people think of social anxiety as a psychiatric disorder whose roots are purely or largely biological, I tend to feel like it is due more to growing up in a bad social environment. And from what you are telling me, it sounds like this has been the case for you. Maybe a BIG part of the key to getting better might be to get out of this environment. Have you ever considered moving somewhere else? Some towns (especially some small towns) are just, shall we say, pathological (a certain famous singer who grew up in your area experienced MANY of the same things you have!). And you might just find that you are more compatible with people somewhere else (maybe a more diverse place like Seattle or Olympia, if you wish to stay in Washington).

You might also try to turn down the hostility. This probably won't go away overnight, since it is a conditioned, habitual behavior. But, as you say, it might allow you to get closer to the kind of people who are more like the person who you really are (ie outcasts, intellectuals, weirdos, etc). Yes, you might have to stand up for yourself at times to people who are just plain pricks. But doing so does not require that you be on the defensive 100% of the time. So try doing this while seeking out the company of the types of people you REALLY want to be with.

[Ryobi]

Although SO many people think of social anxiety as a psychiatric disorder whose roots are purely or largely biological, I tend to feel like it is due more to growing up in a bad social environment

I agree. It's probably a mixture of the two, a biological pre-disposition, and environmental "triggers." I tend to think people with anxiety tend to look at the world as more threatening in general, and this outlook probably is a result of experience, and also, evolution. For example, in cave man days, if your friend was eaten by a lion, you'd avoid lions in the future...On the other hand, if the lion did not attack your friend, you wouldn't find them threatening...

It seems those in the medical professions don't give people the credit they deserve...but that's another story....

It's cool you mention Kurt. I saw a documentary on his life, and it's interesting how similar are experiences have been, and how often are paths crossed while I was growing up-We went to the same grade school, and highschool. If some trees weren't in the way, I could see one of the places he worked from my house.....Just many ..many more examples, and other stories related to Nirvana if you are interested???

Hopefully, my life will have a more positive end. I know regardless of the success I achieve, I will always be different than most...I've put my eggs in one basket before, and I know how that ends, LOL.