Relationship anxiety

[dbiggins71]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here, so first of all I'd like to say hello to everyone and introduce myself. My name's Dan, and I've suffered with anxiety on and off for over 20 years. I'm glad to have found this community and hope someone can shed some light on some issues I've been suffering with.

Relationships are something I struggle with and have always struggled with. I enjoy being in relationships, getting to know someone and enjoying spending time with. At first everything is wonderful - the intoxicating feeling of falling in love, butterfiles in the stomach at the thought of seeing them again, and the joy of being with someone who I'm attracted to and care deeply for.

And then something clicks.

I was an awkward teenager, nervous around the opposite sex, and it wasn't until relatively late on when I became comfortable talking to women. The first long term relationship I had wasn't until university back in 1995, although it was destructive - she already had a boyfriend, I started to fall for her, I wanted her to leave him, she said she would if I promised to marry her which I couldn't at the time, we argued, I started to push her away, we split up and got back together numerous times until it finally ended when we both graduated.

A year after university I met my soon to be ex-wife. I felt battered and bruised from the previous relationship, so subconsciously was looking for someone who would, quite simply, look after me. My ex-wife was that person - confident, successful, caring and definitely the dominant one in our relationship. She helped me set up in business, she bailed me out when I couldn't pay the rent, she organised everything and had complete control of our relationship. We were both at fault - I allowed her to do everything for me, and she was happy at the time to pretty much run my life for me. We were together eight years and two years ago everything came to a head - I was extremely anxious through not having any money, was pushing her away, felt I'd lost my identity, and after much discussion we agreed that we were holding each other back. She also wanted to live in Cornwall and I always dreamed of living in London, where I reside now. Instead of staying together, resenting each other and possibly end up having an affair, we agreed to part. We still remain friends to this day, although I still feel the guilt of being the one who initially suggested we parted.

Six months after splitting up from my wife, I met my current girlfriend. Everything about her and the relationship is the exact opposite of my marriage - I feel independent, I feel a strong urge to look after her (my wife was extremely independent which is a good thing, but I didn't feel like the "man" in the relationship, if that makes sense), I feel in love hard with her (whereas with my wife it was more gradual - we lived with each other from the off as I rented a room in a flat she was living in with a friend of hers), and I've never been so attracted to anyone in my life. I first met her some six years ago (she's the best friend of my best friend's wife) and thought she was gorgeous then, and was thrilled when we starting seeing each other. With my wife the "courtship" side of the relationship was missing as we lived with each other from the beginning, but my current partner and I often go on dates to the cinema, restaurant, pub etc which is great.

For the past 18 months everything has been perfect - I've felt so in love, the physical side of the relationship is amazing and we share the same sense of humour, laughing a lot and having a lot of fun.

But like I said earlier, something clicked.

After the past few weeks as the relationship has settled down, I've been feeling a strong urge to push her away. It seems as though once the thrill of falling in love has passed, the anxiety kicks in. Nothing has changed in our relationship - we're still getting on as well as we ever did and the physical aspect is still wonderful - but it seems the only thing that's changed is in my head.

Of course, this brings other worries to the surface. Was my anxiety solely responsible for the breakdown of my marriage, or was it a combination of that and the lack of balance in the relationship? And of course, the more I worry about these things, the more I feed them and the worse they get. It doesn't help that I'm currently looking for work and have a lot of time on my hands - I'm trying to keep busy (I'm a musician, web developer and photographer so have plenty of interests to keep me occupied), but it's hard to shake these concerns.

I truly believe that anxiety is a learned behaviour, whether it's from our parents /friends / loved ones, or a reaction to various stimuli in our lives. I see my anxiety as a defence mechanism, there to help me avoid being hurt. Of course, this is a false expectation, as all it serves to do is to destroy. I've had counselling in the past, but all this seems to do is to reinforce the anxiety by talking about the same subjects again and again and focussing all my attention on the anxiety, instead of offering solutions how to overcome it.

If anyone can share similar experiences, I'd be eternally grateful.

Much love,

Dan

[Evilbob333]

Hi Dan, i can very much relate to what you've written. Anxiety over relationships is a very common thing. I suffer from OCD and part of my thing is overanalyzing, some stuff doesnt seem to happen automatically and i find myself overthinking stuff.
I've just got with a new girl, and after just three months together already feel very much in love with her...and then my mind chirps up. Intrusive thoughts like asking myself if i do really love her, asking whether my feelings are valid, whether i know her...really illogical stuff, and i know that its just my OCD because when i'm 'in the flow of life' so to speak, i.e. not actively thinking about life, i'm totally content. The only thing i can recommend is try and develop a mindful approach...that is recognise any anxious thoughts (all physical anxiety finds it source in mental process) and just let them be, carry on regardless...they're just thoughts, and not neccesarily thoughts you believe in, just random suggestions thrown up by your brain (the brain being the master of creativity!)...the only reason they're sticking around and causing problems is because you're giving them an importance that they don't merit...everyone has these thoughts but you've singled them out and raised them on a pedestal. Hope that helps?
As for therapy, personally i wouldnt recommend any talking therapy other than CBT/NLP...sat talking about your past and how it has impacted on your present does not give you the tools necessary to step into the future, although that is just my opinion on the matter...if it works for you then, bonus!

[dbiggins71]

Thanks Evilbob...I know what you mean - the more I think about the thoughts I'm having, the more I assign importance to them and the more they grow. The last think I want to do is to push my girlfriend away, but this seems to be a "habit" I've developed over many years and is an automatic reaction at any relationship, no matter how good or bad it is.

I think CBT is definitely the way forward for me...I need to know whether my marriage ended solely due to me, or whether it was a joint effort, so to speak...my wife and I talked about it in length at the time and came to an agreement that things weren't working out, but all my mind wants to do is blame me for it...

Thanks again,

Dan

[Evilbob333]

Would knowing that make you feel happier or worse? Is it important now that you've found this new love? Will it change the way you act from now on? Or is it just another anxious thought, a 'what if' that you're torturing yourself with?
And you're bang on about anxiety being a habit...and the great thing about habits is? They can be changed! Think of it like a form of mental toilet training! You'll have a few stinking moments but evetually you'll get the hang of it!

[dbiggins71]

That's a very valid point...I've spoken to my wife since and even though we're going through the divorce, we're still on amicable and friendly terms...guess this is another mental stick I'm beating myself up with.

Mental toilet training? I like that...! Such a hard habit to break though, especially when the mind kicks into autopilot. How does that saying go?

"If you always do what you’ve always done you always get what you’ve always got."

Thanks again, much appreciated.

Dan

[broadwaymaven]

I think honesty with yourself and with your partner and friends is very important. I used to be embarrassed about talking about my anxiety. However, if the people around you don't know what is wrong or how you feel, they will not necessarily know something is wrong. It is so important to talk about your past and the things you don't want to repeat. Honoring the experience as something that has shaped you into who you are today. At the same time, you must realize that everyone is different and that the past does not have to be repeated. I hope you feel comfortable enough to talk everything through with your partner. It certainly brings my husband and I closer. It might even help to talk some of it over with your ex since that conversation could be very enlightening as well.

[dbiggins71]

Thanks Susannah - I've debated talking it over with my girlfriend but have resisted so far, as I've become particularly adept at hiding my anxiety. I'll certainly broach it at some point though - I guess I'm wary because my ex-wife ended up becoming a counsellor of sorts to me (she's a qualified life coach and massage therapist, and is particularly good at listening), so I'm nervous about unloading onto my current girlfriend. I completely agree that honesty is the best policy though.