dizz
12-21-2008, 03:23 AM
Hey all!
I'm incredibly excited about finding this forum! I've lived with Anxiety and Panic for almost a decade now. Every time I get a hold on it, it seems to take a new form. I've been through Agoraphobia, Performance Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc. My newest challenge is constant Dizziness, which has led to consistent, low-level Panic. So, I find myself back in the thick-of-it again, and realizing it's time to admit I can't do this on my own. It seems there is an underlying fear that will continually manifest itself, and I simply do not have the mental tools to deal with it on my own.
I suppose I've always seen this as a 'weakness' and been afraid to 'admit' I'm not 'strong' enough to deal with it. However, it seems my true strength lies in facing my fears and recognizing I can't do this alone. So, I thought my first step should be sharing my story on this forum and finding some friends I can confide in:)
I certainly don't expect you to make it through this long-winded story. It's more for me than anyone, really:)
__________________
At a ripe 20 years old I was partying and 'experimenting' with drugs. I had always found that I was particularly sensitive to hallucinogens, but one night I found myself taking an 'accidentally' large dose of LSD. This sent me on a terrifying journey in which I was convinced I had gained all knowledge of the universe, far too much for the human mind to process, thus driving me completely insane. To top it off, I swallowed the entire bar to my newly pierced tongue ring, which felt like peanut butter stuck in my throat (a lovely sensation that lasted the duration of my trip). Traumatized, I eventually came down, ignored advice to look for my tongue ring in my next bowel movement, and spent the next 3 days in a state of crazed Panic. Weeks later, I decided to jump back in the saddle and smoked some pot with friends. I was immediately propelled back to nutter-land. This developed within me a massive fear of losing control. Needless to say, I never took LSD again and 'Mary Jane' and I had a a rocky relationship, at best;)
About 3 years later, I was under a tremendous amount of self-pressure, and stayed behind to work on my music while my friends went out to party. I suddenly felt and overwhelming sense of doom, which turned into sheer terror; I was dying. I had a friend rush me to the ER. I was hyperventilating and my arms had atrophied. I truly could not believe the prognosis; panic attack. The fact that my 'mind' had such a profound negative effect on my body was astounding and I went into seclusion for weeks, thinking I was on the brink of going crazy. I finally understood how those poor homeless folks went mad. I felt one step away.
Enough time went by that I managed to get over it, but throughout the years it would rear it's ugly head. At one point I was convinced I had heart problems, and went through the gamut of tests, all normal. Later I started seeing objects melt in my peripheral vision, and locked myself inside my apartment for weeks. A year later I went all Panicky in a packed club, and eventually developed a fear of crowds. At some point I had a panic attack while getting my haircut and developed an intense fear of the hair salon! Somehow, I was able to overcome all of this and lived quite happily for a couple years, with minor Anxiety attacks sprinkled on top.
About 4 years ago I left my girlfriend of 7 years. It was frightening, but incredibly freeing (and utterly necessary). Around the same time, I started a new job which required a weekly company meeting. In these meetings, we had to individually share with everyone what we had done that week, which I found incredibly nerve-racking. By the third meeting, I completely froze, forgot what I was saying and couldn't continue (very embarassing). By the fourth, I was so nervous I had to leave the room before it was my turn to speak. It got so bad, I starting taking Valium before each meeting.
This kicked off a new form of Anxiety; Performance Anxiety. For the next two years I couldn't have a meeting or take an interview without popping a Valium. Eventually, and MOST unfortunately, this began translating to the bedroom. I started taking Valium on nights I knew I'd 'get lucky' so I could actually 'get lucky'! It was horrible. Thankfully, a wonderful woman (who I'm still with:) got me over the bedroom anxiety, but the other still lingered, until recently.
My current profession requires a ton of creative meetings, which has really helped me get over the performance anxiety. Unfortunately, the job itself has introduced an intense level of stress, under which my general Anxiety has flourished. About 6 months ago I began getting dizzy. This compounded with my Anxiety and thoughts of 'Brain Tumors' began plaguing me. I went through all the tests and came up with a big ole' question mark. So, I began convincing myself it was caused from an old neck injury that still bothers me. Unfortunately, the Dizziness has brought on a constant state of Panic. It's gotten so bad, I'll have one, long Panic Attack while 'relaxing' and watching a movie. It's ridiculous! This has led me back to the drawing board, and I'm starting to think the Dizziness is simply my Panic re-manifesting itself, yet again.
So, I've finally devoted myself to fixing this. I'm meditating, exercising, stretching, breathing, eating healthy, taking vitamins and giving up the tough-guy act to see a therapist after the new year. I've already found a wealth of knowledge through this forum and have a whole new perspective on 'hope'. I'm positive about the future and look upon this as the ultimate New Years Resolution!
Cheers!
I'm incredibly excited about finding this forum! I've lived with Anxiety and Panic for almost a decade now. Every time I get a hold on it, it seems to take a new form. I've been through Agoraphobia, Performance Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc. My newest challenge is constant Dizziness, which has led to consistent, low-level Panic. So, I find myself back in the thick-of-it again, and realizing it's time to admit I can't do this on my own. It seems there is an underlying fear that will continually manifest itself, and I simply do not have the mental tools to deal with it on my own.
I suppose I've always seen this as a 'weakness' and been afraid to 'admit' I'm not 'strong' enough to deal with it. However, it seems my true strength lies in facing my fears and recognizing I can't do this alone. So, I thought my first step should be sharing my story on this forum and finding some friends I can confide in:)
I certainly don't expect you to make it through this long-winded story. It's more for me than anyone, really:)
__________________
At a ripe 20 years old I was partying and 'experimenting' with drugs. I had always found that I was particularly sensitive to hallucinogens, but one night I found myself taking an 'accidentally' large dose of LSD. This sent me on a terrifying journey in which I was convinced I had gained all knowledge of the universe, far too much for the human mind to process, thus driving me completely insane. To top it off, I swallowed the entire bar to my newly pierced tongue ring, which felt like peanut butter stuck in my throat (a lovely sensation that lasted the duration of my trip). Traumatized, I eventually came down, ignored advice to look for my tongue ring in my next bowel movement, and spent the next 3 days in a state of crazed Panic. Weeks later, I decided to jump back in the saddle and smoked some pot with friends. I was immediately propelled back to nutter-land. This developed within me a massive fear of losing control. Needless to say, I never took LSD again and 'Mary Jane' and I had a a rocky relationship, at best;)
About 3 years later, I was under a tremendous amount of self-pressure, and stayed behind to work on my music while my friends went out to party. I suddenly felt and overwhelming sense of doom, which turned into sheer terror; I was dying. I had a friend rush me to the ER. I was hyperventilating and my arms had atrophied. I truly could not believe the prognosis; panic attack. The fact that my 'mind' had such a profound negative effect on my body was astounding and I went into seclusion for weeks, thinking I was on the brink of going crazy. I finally understood how those poor homeless folks went mad. I felt one step away.
Enough time went by that I managed to get over it, but throughout the years it would rear it's ugly head. At one point I was convinced I had heart problems, and went through the gamut of tests, all normal. Later I started seeing objects melt in my peripheral vision, and locked myself inside my apartment for weeks. A year later I went all Panicky in a packed club, and eventually developed a fear of crowds. At some point I had a panic attack while getting my haircut and developed an intense fear of the hair salon! Somehow, I was able to overcome all of this and lived quite happily for a couple years, with minor Anxiety attacks sprinkled on top.
About 4 years ago I left my girlfriend of 7 years. It was frightening, but incredibly freeing (and utterly necessary). Around the same time, I started a new job which required a weekly company meeting. In these meetings, we had to individually share with everyone what we had done that week, which I found incredibly nerve-racking. By the third meeting, I completely froze, forgot what I was saying and couldn't continue (very embarassing). By the fourth, I was so nervous I had to leave the room before it was my turn to speak. It got so bad, I starting taking Valium before each meeting.
This kicked off a new form of Anxiety; Performance Anxiety. For the next two years I couldn't have a meeting or take an interview without popping a Valium. Eventually, and MOST unfortunately, this began translating to the bedroom. I started taking Valium on nights I knew I'd 'get lucky' so I could actually 'get lucky'! It was horrible. Thankfully, a wonderful woman (who I'm still with:) got me over the bedroom anxiety, but the other still lingered, until recently.
My current profession requires a ton of creative meetings, which has really helped me get over the performance anxiety. Unfortunately, the job itself has introduced an intense level of stress, under which my general Anxiety has flourished. About 6 months ago I began getting dizzy. This compounded with my Anxiety and thoughts of 'Brain Tumors' began plaguing me. I went through all the tests and came up with a big ole' question mark. So, I began convincing myself it was caused from an old neck injury that still bothers me. Unfortunately, the Dizziness has brought on a constant state of Panic. It's gotten so bad, I'll have one, long Panic Attack while 'relaxing' and watching a movie. It's ridiculous! This has led me back to the drawing board, and I'm starting to think the Dizziness is simply my Panic re-manifesting itself, yet again.
So, I've finally devoted myself to fixing this. I'm meditating, exercising, stretching, breathing, eating healthy, taking vitamins and giving up the tough-guy act to see a therapist after the new year. I've already found a wealth of knowledge through this forum and have a whole new perspective on 'hope'. I'm positive about the future and look upon this as the ultimate New Years Resolution!
Cheers!