~ PONDER : Back On The Perch - Sometimes Raw, Sometimes Not. "b^.^d"

[Ponder]

I hope that sounds a little more in tune. :) For what it's worth I miss you Sal, D, Gypsy, Kirk, and all the others I sense are legitimate individuals. I'm genuinely sorry for my flaws. I kind of expressed my take on how disconnections take place but what's more important is that we harbor no ill will and always willing to reach back out. I do hope for me that, that aspect shows from time to time. I know I have seen such allowances in a each of yourselves as well but understand we all have our limits . That said, I have no expectations other than just putting that out there.

There is just so much division in the world is it any wonder relations are hard to maintain.

I'll try not to be a buzz kill but as always write from the heart with the best of intentions as best I can.
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How am I these days? DOWNSIZING & FULL TIME IN MY ROOMWell, I've downsized so much of late that I actually sold my oversized custom built water cooled pentagon PC in favor for a 15 inch laptop. (ᵒ̤̑ ₀̑ ᵒ̤̑) I just had to do it as I have become more reclusive and needed the space. I won't go into the numbers as I am prone to do but just say I was content to take the hit as I am often willing to do. That computer when put into shelving was taking up so much space in my little room. Alas it was a cool project and I did ensure I was fairly compensated with my laptop more than capable of what I generally do.

My live in bedroom is my latest project. (2.6 meters by 4ish)
I'll spare the raw details of why I am spending so much time in my room of late, but just say I am embracing my choice to do so by way of making myself as comfortable as I can possibly be. I don't know why it took me so long to realize just how important that aspect really be. I think that insight came to mind when I finally got myself a portable air conditioner to cool my room. Immediately the quality of my health started to improve. After making space (still waiting for laptop to arrive) and now using an older and much smaller OptiPlex computer I managed to source myself a small lower recliner. I arranged my 4 foot computer desk, bed and recliner in a way that allows me to fit in a smart tv. I'm still yet to purchase a smart TV but using a little 22 inch monitor for now out put from my little PC. I have a rug in the post on its way. Just the other day a floor lamp arrived with a desk top one as well. I'm just using warm white bulbs that give off yellow light each only at 400lumens. The lighting aspect I intent to delve deeply into with smart bulbs Vs dimmers and an array of spectral options to mimic at will my own circadian rhythm. Of course I still need to go outdoors but am doing so very carefully these days. But with my room it can be hard to set up as I would prefer given the restrictions when it comes to using the walls. Often those renter hooks do more damage than good. Yet I might try myself as was my wife's experience. Best I can say is that the quality of paint is was can make or break the install and uninstall of said hooks. I've been racking my brain on free standing option. lately looking of paper thin mirrors and light garment tapestries.

Another reason I want to downsize to just one room is because I think it will help with respect to codependency during times of crisis when facing the prospect of a sudden move. The turbulent time I had when organising an unplanned visit to my mums regardless of the turmoil that later took place there, when unsupported and my sister in that mix, made me think of how easily I am set upon among my own family when I react in fear no knowing where to go or being in a good position to make a transition. Now with my commuter bicycle fully decked out being the only thing of importance to me in our shed and now the focus of ensuring all I own fits comfortable into one room with all the amenities I need ... means that in the future I can at least be in a position for others to better assist with a quick move. I will never be able to afford renting my own place with how things have no gone. The homeless situation has gone insane post CV. Ensuring I can live comfortably in one room without being a drain on others is pretty much my future aim. That said I am not planning to leave as I do love my close nit family - BUT - given the dynamics in which I live, what I am doing it just empowering myself, keeping out of others ways and for the most part it seems fairly conducive over all. My daughter still has the master bedroom bless her. lol if only I could have an ensuite like that. But then no one would ever see me ... and I really don't want to go that far ... not just yet. : )

Anyways ... I talk more about my live in bedroom project later on.

So much to write about. I've been watching 80s Tv shows like MacGyver, Greatest American Hero. I think I will download Good Times as don't think its being streamed? But in general I've been getting into the phase of seeing myself as an aged person making himself as comfortable as I can watching reruns kind of thing. Does that make sense? The next item I would do well to make space for is an appropriate air filtration unit. Oh boy ... I have been having fun researching that. （ꉺᗜꉺ）... if you know me you can be sure I'll start posting pics once I think I am done. I kind of just leave my room now just for a change of scenery. My mum kind of put it to me like that and it makes a lot of sense. That's pretty much how it is. I'm so thankful my mum is still around. My heart goes out to all those who have had to go through missing their mums. Trust me when I say reconciliation is worth it but then understand in some cases it is not. Not to put a damper on things ... my and my sister fall into latter. Just saying with my mum I will miss her very much and have been very grateful about our reconnection since my loss of my brother. That is all. That's why I want to reconnect with those I think it's worth it regarding the opening of my post but remain accepting if such feeling is not mutual. All good.
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I best go out in the yard as I see some sun. Good time to stretch my legs and check my plants before coming back in.

[GrimReaper]

Shut your fucking mouth, basement dweller.

https://i.ibb.co/vjH0ywf/giphy.gif
https://i.ibb.co/vjH0ywf/giphy.gif
https://i.ibb.co/vjH0ywf/giphy.gif

[Ponder]

Just got back from a cycle ride under the sun whilst it was low key mid morning Sunday. Feeling so much better for it. A+

Now I can fell good about spending more time resting up in my haven. I'll also go out later this evening under twilight. No rushing. I stop half way each time taking in the sea breeze.

Battling with indigestion atm but hoping these fresh bouts and less stressful mindsets not focusing on negative outbursts will do that trick. (-‿◦)

[GrimReaper]

https://i.ibb.co/vjH0ywf/giphy.gifhttps://i.ibb.co/vjH0ywf/giphy.gifhttps://i.ibb.co/vjH0ywf/giphy.gif

[Ponder]

Once ignored, this is how it looks. Other than that we pay such behavior no attention. Until next post. ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)✌

https://i.ibb.co/jVz575y/Ingored.jpg

[Ponder]

From an over eating perspective I did not do so bad today. It was not so much about what I ate but more about balancing my in and out of my room. I spoke with a friend over the phone, later discord and also read and replied to my mother via email. I also popped in and out to touch base with my grandson and chat briefly with my wife and daughter. I only just got back from an evening walk. Other than that I took my phone call outside in the early morning sun whilst sitting with m plants. As a result of that balancing act I am not feeling as ill in my gut tonight. I know that eating bacon nearly every morning for the last week with even the best of organs (which I do not have) very much has played into my ailing gut health. This week I'm going to correct that.


Anyways - I think I should be able to sleep well enough tonight despite having last night resorted to PRN medication. Waking up in a fog was what really spurred my on to get out later that morning on my bike. I really do not like to get rely on such meds. Alas to say I am not climbing the walls as I would if I had not take such a resort. Tomorrow I have my therapist coming to visit me where I beleive we shall have that session in my room, then I'll go out for a gentle pedal on my bike.


I'm no longer counting the days but still doing a day at a time. It's very hard to find anything of relevance when it comes to using media in any form but if I take my time I seem able to find a distraction that is not so disabling.


For those reading this over at AF know that I am trialing another place called MSF. My Support forums. However it is heavily moderated and only a few of my posts are getting through. I'll play along for now but hopefully once the drama resultant from non moderation plays down (if ever) ... You never know .... other may pop back in yet I feel the damage is done. I'll just cut and past for now but think MSF may allow me the space I need without having to get drained by those whom are doing it so much harder than I. I guess everyone needs a space; right?


I actually ate pretty good today. I think I will not have a black tea but settle for just a bit of honey and chamomile. I'll be doing really well if I can follow up first thing in the morning with freshly squeezed lemon water later followed with Oats and Prunes. The challenge is mid morning once all that has come on gone. That's when I start with a bit of fruit and salad all over again. That is the extent of my medical ramble and pretty much my starting staple when things are moving along well for me.


_________________________________________________


One major change coming up for me is the changing nature of my supports. I think I will leave that post for the morning as will help me with an approach before my visiting therapist arrives.


For now I wind down. Thanks again for allowing the space. Edit as you must with a best wishes to you and yours.


ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Thank you for an easier day.

[Ponder]

Before signing off I may think on the following a little more. That being in response to someone using the good old choice syndrome when contrasting success with the context being about assisted suicide and why those feeling like ending their life are simply just giving up hope. I obviously see it a little different and this was my response ... I post here because I am not sure I am going to last much longer there: I may also want to add more notes that I know will not be allowed there.
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In response too an earlier post I made on the same topic:
They said: So you invalidate my success just to keep your point & to justify those who CHOOSE to give up hope....wow....so noble of you.

I said. Not at all. I was disclosing an uncomfortable truth, a dynamic that touches on those, less able, whom often do not get the same breaks as those who would use their success to dictate what choice means for others. I actually included myself as often casting a shadow when making similar claims in contrast to my own successes. It used to happen when I was attending therapy groups at a local mental health facility. I would highlight how far I had come and how I made the choices that turned my life around. I was very passionate about it but took a few steps back when a group facilitator explained that others in the group were less able to engage the way I was, nor had access to the same supports as I did. This really made me think about how I was impacting the others who maybe wish they could do the things I was, but for reasons I was not aware or did not think ... they simply could not do those things despite wishing they could. No wonder none of the seemed really interested in what I was saying.

Later on when I was not doing so well - I thought on how the episodic nature of my own diagnoses played into periods where during the more disabling stretches the choices I once advocated where no longer choices but barriers. More so, now years later how those same choices whilst accessible to others, are no longer accessible to me.

Justify is too strong a word for me but understand your choice to use it. Those are indeed choices no matter how disabled we become. Yet there are many with invisible illnesses who are harshly judged (justified as wrong) for not living up to someone else standard because of how hard they themselves strived. It's that shaming and blaming that I was attempting to allude to that shortens the life of many. I'm not justifying but more advocating for those I knew so well but did not make it. None of those people chose to give up hope. Most of them had their spirits broken at a very early age whilst in the care of those entrusted to make choices for them.

None of those poor souls chose to give up anything but instead had what little hope they had taken from them.

I once used to capitalize to make a point but no longer do. I rarely use exclamations marks either. Tone is everything. That said I could of perhaps treaded more carefully but then again I think not. The residual stigma that plays out in our ideology is so demeaning when it comes to using such terms as choice. Most people yell it like you just did. That's OK though. It kind of consolidates the illusion or more like delusion that we are all conditioned with. No. Most people do not give up hope. The insufferable pain the leads people to strong daily suicidal ideation has little to do with *give up* - *hope* but very much a case of never really having had any. We just live in a society that teaches us that if we can't repeat or do as what is told to us that then we are then choosing the suffering that then comes next. Anyone that has been on the lower rungs of overwhelmed services know this ploy well enough but those who've never really experienced it, can not possible understand or see it. Then there is the issue of how quickly people forget when obtaining the carrot on a stick.

So it is that I said their truth is their truth and yours is yours. I'm not justifying anything. But I am speaking up. That is all. Choice and I would add ... Hope ... is not always as it seems. Compassion does not cast a bright light, propose to judge, nor blame and shame. All those controlling traits we get from our daily news contrasted in delusions of choice. For me the question is not so much about the criminalization of assisting premature death, by those who do not fit the boxes, but why are there so many unable to fit and why so many of them wish they were dead. The more we bang the drum of choice you can be sure the longer the list regarding such a death wish.

... and that's exactly when the penny dropped and I no longer spouted where I had come from, nor advertised my great success when going back to those weekly meetings. As a result I made more friends and just learned to accept where people were at and in the end ... we were all so much better off.

[Ponder]

Another said: I don’t see how those who are successful in overcoming their obstacles are denying others their choices. If someone is sharing their success, it’s not taking away from those who weren’t as successful.

I said: It's not as simple as that. *World View* is a term that I heard repeatedly back in 2014 within mental health circles in off line facilities where those that don't fit regularly meet. Each persons World View is considered key to how each of us sees ourselves and others. Not to discount those whom find themselves in a random crisis situation, most people who wish to end their lives without having any terminal illness are imo without a doubt chronic and complex cases. Clinical, long term, life long cases if you will. The extent of depression embedded over the years in those peoples lives have it that they do not see they same as others see and what they see, you will no doubt also not see.

It mattered little back then, when I was the mental health leading advocate (toot toot) for the local region, that no matter how I skirted the sensitivities of others when sharing such achievements on how I reached whatever pinnacles, that like you say now, I also did not see how the sharing of my success and what I did to overcome whatever obstacles was denying others their choices. I already outlined how indeed that was what I was doing in my last post but I understand that not everyone will see my this point I present because of the blinkers that all too often come with what we are taught is success.


I'm not saying people should not share their successes whatsoever. There is a time and place for that. Like in this forum's sub sections that entitles a space for sharing those great things. For me, my shared story in here shows more how I was so caught up in my ego. How I was repeating myself far to often not caring for the timing of when or even how I was attempting to share. All that thriving and striving to overcome obstacles carries with it a lot of momentum. The higher the challenge the more momentum it takes to clear those obstacles. Thus all that moment tends to leave us pent up with thriving and striving now relying on continually affirming ourselves and showing off our new found exterior, status and the skills that had us win. Of course, that's great story for that individual and it sells well to be sure; when it the right genre. I and others will applauded. Netflix is full of such great stories.


The context I am now sharing is that people are so caught up in their own glory that they begin to develop new issues where the become blinded to the plight of others. Such great hero's more often than not do not see the spaces they are take up nor shadows they cast. Those uncomfortable truths are not popular enough for the final script. Those be far and few between where some of us are continually flicking with the remote an a quest to find something more real.


Another thing that I now consider in your reply ... and I'll make this one short + already covered it in my earlier reply which I appreciate was TLDR; as well as for the reasons I just outlined in that above. Who of us has the so called right (insight) to define what somebody else's choice is or is not? We can not hope to know or reason another's life time of experience's against a back drop of our own, especially when highlighting our own success and then brining *Choice* into the mix when talking about the vulnerability of others at such a point as contemplating assisted suicided.


So it is that from that perspective, I can say sure, yea, we do in many ways deny people point blank for how we dare to even bring choices up and further more to know what theirs is. To do so at such a point of vulnerability is purely egocentric on our part. Those choices then presented like so are nothing but hoops held by our successes which are far better taken out of such a discussion and put into the feel good genre some place else ... lest we enjoy denying people like so. All that being just another complex we winners face having so artfully overcome our hero's journey.


Choice & Success will only enflame in a topic on Euthanasia. Especially when claiming that these venerable people at such a stage in their life; are just ... *giving up hope.*


Sure share your success stories, but that's not what my posts in here are really about. They go much deeper than that and allow for that which such care less remarks do not. Rather than react in the same tone a was expressed I thought it more productive to share a little more context from my perspective.


No Drama ... although chuckles to think how the stories on our displays often dictate what we think. More like laughs our loud. Please excuse my sense of humor. Reminds me of Spock in the new Star Trek series Strange New Worlds, where at the end of the second Ep everyone is like WTF when Spocks' laughter comes over the mic after just having navigated some life threatening adversity. Sometimes these thread in mental health forums can be a bit like that. In terms of trying not to offend.


I'll back out now as fear I have already taken up too much space myself in my attempt to clarify just how we do indeed deny others when mindlessly sharing. That said, thanks for your reply and all the best with your endeavors. Just be careful where and how you share them. ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)✌

[Ponder]

Contemplating the conflicting nature of human interactions within controlled environments with a propensity to isolate those who think differently. In such places there is a lack of space for diaries and journals. So it is in which category I am in conflict with deciding and when adding to that, today's insight as just now conveyed - I think notion of expressing as one, more or less feels as none other than pissing in the wind. Just go to find out which way that wind is blowing and then let it all out. Laughs out loud.


Well said my boy. Where to from here? ... Still processing on that one. Is venturing out of self made spaces a waste of time? Too many boxes and too many hats non of which know a damn thing ... not could ever hope to contain the likes of me.


Time to reinvent and effortlessly continue sliding against the grain.


Concedes this space was a mistake and moves on to find something that's actually more free Vs safe and secure. Just like choices, controlled measures are but illusions and delusions propagated to benefit another's ideals rather than the deception of one's own choice and control. Now I can really open up re those supports and captain my own ship knowing very well how to exploit those who think they are in control. Adios interns and would be PHDs.
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No wonder I end up back in this space[UKAF] but it really is amazing how much better I do when no longer moderated. I only wish I could same the same for others. hahaha - lol ... I really needed that. All good ... I am sure one day you too will hit rock bottom and improve upon those graphics.

[Ponder]

Getting some afternoon sun. I often enjoy just pulling up and soaking in the sun. I have slowed down a lot these days and quite content to do so.

https://i.ibb.co/v4Tnj4n/Afternoon-sun.jpg

[Ponder]

Here is another shot with my ride. It took a bit of patients getting this setup just right for me. I love the really large and soft seat combined with a suspension seat post. Installing those two items has really made the ride a LOT smooth my overweight body. I've put on a lot of weight these days but once again no longer fine with it all as I now just focus on balance my in and out time with regards to staying mostly at home these days.

This setup is so much more comfy. I also go out more without the need for a pack when just doing short trips as I have added 3 bags. One trunk bag on the rear with two smaller ones on the upper tube and the triangle bag above my bottle. I feel quite free and easy just taking in the breeze as I go much slower these days. I also upgraded my helmet to one that gives better coverage, ventilation and most importantly to me a much longer visor so that now I do not have to ware a hat underneath.

Photo continued from previous page:
https://i.ibb.co/0qJJhQk/The-View.jpg (https://ibb.co/8M886XJ)

Not much else to report. Now I have been out twice today on two shot trips just to get the ingredients for a better sleep. I had a good session with the visiting therapist. I've got a bit of home work to do with respect to redefining my supports. Right now though I think I will kick back in my recliner and search for something that might be worth watching.

I'll share later if I find anything.

[Ponder]

Whilst I am still missing a smart TV and an air purifier I'm pretty chuffed about the changed I have made. This was my room before. The best addition to it up to that point was the portable air-conditioned:

The perspective in this photo is very stretched as the folding table I am using for m computer is only 4 foot. In this image it looks more like 6 foot. My room dimensions are actually as follows:

Bedroom Living Space *discounting inbuilt wardrobe and walk in Entrance* = W 2.65m X L 3.75m (2.4m high) [equates to 9.92 Square Meters & 23.85 m3 Meters Cubed]
Walking Entrance *adjacent Inbuilt Wardrobe* = W 0.85mX 1.2m (2.4m High) [equates to 1.02 Square Meters & 2.45 m3 cubed]
Total air space for ventilation, air-conditioning and air purification = 26.3 m3 cubed.

Info overload I know but since I am now back in here using this space as I do ... I'll be referring and thinking out loud on my projects once again. I am 100% aiming to bunker down in style. I should have my air purifier by next month. That said there has already been a massive improvement since getting my air con. In this image I think I was boosting the room down to 22 where I usually then put it back on 25 or 24. Now that it's much cooler weather I find 26 to 25 is comfortable but admit sometimes when stressed I'll sit it around 24 overnight during overcast warmer and humid nights. I spent quite a bit on that unit as having a little more power than you need for one's sized room means it's a lot quieter and more efficient.


https://i.ibb.co/qM4spwF/My-Prevoius-room.jpg


So here we go with the new changes ... I'll start with the entrance. There is a walk in section that runs adjacent to the built in wardrobe. It's 4 foot in length and 85cm wide:
The 1st thing to note is the spectrum of color. Much more relaxing. I'll touch on that in a minute but for now I talk about the folding bamboo entrance rack that I put together today.

https://i.ibb.co/mRVbr4R/1-a-My-Room.jpg

As we close the 1st 4 foot distance into the room this is where I have my grab and go stuff. What I am trying to do is set my room up like a live in house. It's made it so much easier for me as I am always searching for my wallet, glasses, helmet, bag, umbrella and so on. The unit is also good because it wraps around a set of draws that store more stuff for me. I'm using a bit of white board to hide the cords of my computer on the other side as well as help me see my things as I often cant see black on black like my wallet, earbuds and other things.

https://i.ibb.co/4ZS0BYq/1-Entrance-grab-and-go.jpg

Bellow ... Next we turn right which is the walk in along side the inbuilt wardrobe where I store a lot of stuff that I need to get rid off. The only two places I have clutter at the moment in on those small wooden shelves I made in woodwork some 40 years ago in high school as well on my dresser draws which you'll see in a moment. I've done well with my washing as well. I hope I can keep this newly adapted routine up.

The thing I note here as I turn into my room I am now walking on less the 10 square meters with which I have to work with. I am aiming to have my computer table space with a separate lounge space and eventually something like a 40inch smart TV. That will come much later. I did manage though to get a floor lamp + another desk top lamp which you'll see in the next pic. I also got a small low laying material recliner which I have always wanted. I am so sick of oversized recliner because I don't always like to lay back or put my feet up. It's not healthy to do that for hours on end. That's another story but I've learned quite a bit about that as an avid walker thinking specific with the calf muscle and gravity kind of thing. It is very important to sit up straight more than lounging back. The advent of over sized recliners has put a massive dint in that for people that are not so aware. The new recliner I have is almost perfect - I just us crochet blanket to make up the difference.

Bellow - thus far the best layout for around 8 square meters not counting the last walkway I created which takes up part of the 10:



https://i.ibb.co/N1cNjQc/1-b-Entrance-Turn.jpg

Continued on other page _4 image limit

[Ponder]

This is much better than what I had before. The recliner is far enough from the wall that if I want I can push it back to the first reclining posting that pops out the foot rest which is enough for me. Is good enough to sleep like that as well. The thing is so light that I can always move it further forward is I really wish to lay all the way back but since I am right next to my bed I'd just use that instead. Today I also cut the lace curtains to size with the help of my wife. I do not like the owners vertical blinds. To much maintenance and I don't like the limits with how the light is reflected. I can do more re light with the lace curtains. With regards to lighting I'll be getting inline dimmers and playing around with more styles of directional lights as well. Smart bulbs and all that. I've got more furniture to get in the way of thin side tables with draws - another wall hanging/pic.

Re the air con if you look close enough behind it you will see a sandy colored towel I used to cover the vent. Those vents on portable aircons can get pretty warm/hot so insulating them with a towel helps to stop heat radiating back into the room. The 2700 K spectrum of light really helps that sandy color towel blend in well. Color scheming in the room will take much longer for me to work out. Right now I am just focusing on keep the room cool - having a good layout that is not too cluttered. Speaking of which you can not see the clutter on my dresser draws. All that will be gone very soon and the will be the spot for my air filter. The air purifier will also deal with odors coming from myself, clothes, linen and furniture as well as when I eat at my computer table + deal with all the fine particles. I actually suffer with a stripped throats so can't wait to see how that improves. Being a mouth breath sucks but that's all about to change.

The perspective in the bellow shot is what I call fair ... that is about bang on 3 meters from the bed wall to the end of aircon with another 85cm to then inbuilt wardrobe. I played chess with my grandson today as he sat on my bed I move the chess table to the other side. The way I have set my room up is like he comes to visit me in my own house. It is the same with his mum in her own room on the other side of the actual house. She has the master bedroom because we want her to feel comfortable and stay as long as she wants. The way rents our now many families are now living together much longer. We pay close to $500au a week and don't think we could afford this size house without our daughter at any rate. She seems very much more stable since we have this arrangement as well. She is on the same program as me but with a different plan but similar supports
https://i.ibb.co/6WXC9y6/2-Lightinh.jpg

I got to say I can't wait till I get a bigger screen ... Next Pic now:


A 40 inch smart TV would be the sweet spot for the space. As for perspective between the recliner and screen in this spot ... it's not a good representation but will do. The rug which also just arrived today is 1.2 meters between chair and screen and 1.6 meters between bed and computer table. The next image shows a better perspective re distance between the 3 major points in this little area I have made up.

If you have made it this far then you might appreciate the HEAD SPACE I am attempting to create here for my mental health. I think I already said in another post but I kind of lost my much needed space when our grandson came to live fulltime with us. I ended up full time in my room as my loungeroom recliner what the 1st to go. Laughs out loud. I pretty much just gave it to the little munchkin when he first arrived without knowing he had the same attachment issues as I. hahaha - next was the TV and what was on it ... Sigh ... I really got to chuckle because I know many probably can't comprehend it. I'll just put it down to three autistic generations living under the same roof. Like it took me a number of years to work out what I have now re my room but it's really a good solution all round.

My own issues during that phase we way way too much fixation and directed focus on one screen without breaking away to another point. I was not getting enough redirection and given my own traits re fixation it has very much derailed my otherwise inclination to regulate between my Bed, PC & TV with breaks outside in-between. I mean just like moving from one screen about 40 cms away to taking just a few steps to a more comfortable chair much further away from another screen - granted it is still a screen lol - but its the redirections and movement I was not getting before coupled in a very small room closed up without any air con in the middle of the Australian Heat ... I was pretty suffocating to be sure.

https://i.ibb.co/wdcMghZ/3-persective-width-of-room.jpg

A better perspective look back my much smaller PC setup. The small form factor OptiPlex being my smaller desk lamp with cool white light. The higher end Laptop is still on its way. It was like a month minimum waiting time on that one. I can't say how much I feel I made the right call changing it all up like I have. It really does feel like my own house which makes the codependency issues so much more barrable when contemplating what my future will look like. Like that is a ways off before I have to consider that - at least another 10 years to be sure - BUT - I am doing this also in case any shit hits the fan. I also feel it makes others who rely on my rent less prone to prod me when tensions rises because I am genuinely setting up a base that can be easily moved in one car and trailer load. Just what is in my room and my bicycle in the shed is all. I will care not for my plants if it comes to that. I will only ever be able to afford a room sadly in the far future going by todays insane price hikes. That kind of does worry me because I can't fathom having to live with others every again. I mostly only did that with either rehab centers, homeless shelters, youth detentions centers and or a couple of prison cells. Alas I will prep in a way that will make my stay where ever more barrable.

https://i.ibb.co/fvpHgMV/Fair-Perspective.png

Again all a long way off ... but for now though ... other than popping out for a quick spin under the sun to a place like where I showed my ride in the previous posts - I just want to stay home in my room and do so very content to let the world slip by doing it's own thing. I smile to think of how the new rug is like grass under my feet. Out of 30 so homes we have rented in the past, none have come close to having a soft lawn like my rug now provides for me feet. I don't care how lonely and isolated it feels ... in fact it is mostly only when online taking in other peoples opinions and telling's that I feel more that way ... less when I come into a space of my own where I am not afraid to be myself. Huge difference and the truth is none of those main stream forums let me be who I really be.

Next pic is a bit harsh on the light in comparison to the others but it does show off my new rug quite well ... the perspective not as good as the others but good enough to say that this is the best ever prison cell I have ever had the privilege to live in. When I do go out, I do so now being thankful for what I got. Ditching that $10,000 + Paper weight was very liberating. That payout never sat well with me and I kind of knew I would sell eventually. Nothing lasts for ever but seeing how people fight and strive for more and more just makes me sick. Is hard to pinpoint what I am thinking now about all that ... we humans living in this world the way it and we be are selfish peoples indeed. Like more, more and more. I should not of spent what I spent on my laptop - I still fell into that trap wanting to have just that bit more. Nevertheless I sense I am on a more improved path with what is going to eventually come and in many ways I yearn for it to come quick. I do think of my grand son though and my other children - but I don't know ... I really am done chasing carrots on a stick ... even with these consumer programs for the so called less able. I've written how that in itself has made me feel worse but the world is not changing for the better ... I see it like many others continuing on its current path and to attempt a frank discussion on it in other forums is when those safety police come on out. Sigh ...

All good though ... whilst I know my rug will not always feel as orgasmic as it does today when first unwrapping it - I'll do what I can to make the most of it.

https://i.ibb.co/4WmyDnK/sensory-rug.jpg

It's late now but screw it - think I will nod off in my new recliner watching something or others before then taking the long trip to my bed. haha.

This was a good write ... I enjoyed very much. Less than six months from now I'll update the room with perhaps more matching furniture but most likely same layout.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

- Good Morning -
Nice gentle breeze this morning - I'll be tending my plants today:

​https://i.ibb.co/b6rDRXP/Morning.jpg


I've actually got a bit of work to do on the other side of the window. My potted garden has really improved over the last year or so. I'll update those images once I've spent the better part of the day tending those. I have enough plants so that the air that comes in carries with it some extra freshness. Right now with my bedroom door open and the celling fan on low there is a fresh gentle breeze ventilating through. This makes me now think I would enjoy having an environmental readout I could put on my wall. That really is what my new project is all about.

I've always talked about making a blog or page on all this aspects to health Vs the industry I have often contrasted such with but for whatever reason always get side track. I guess it's liken to all the yelling and screaming in this forum of late with snippets of sanity that seeks to explain. Such makes me grateful that I have mostly been through all that. I still struggle but for the most part can now see the better side of me is worth tending to like my plants. The tougher of my friends that did not let me go as I started softening up I eventually broke ties. Bit like the forum tools with the ignore feature I guess. That's when I started pruning my own tree and got to say it was for the best. Just like in places like these, they too were trolling me. I think it's a universal thing that takes time to work out is all. So glad I found something of worth in me when breaking ties although when I reflect on it much of that worth in me is what made these would be friends turn like so. This is the fallacy of success and what little it brings.

Having already alluded to preparing for my future with living arrangements in mind and doing what I can to minimize any kind of transition I guess for now I am making the most of how I term what is. Such phrases always seem to more more disempowering Vs accepting. What is is what I choose to make it not how it is that others would have me see it. Of course such discerning takes shape on a personal level where in a world full of deception it's easy to loose sight of what personally matters within. Again the language fails where the person in personally, is twisted and manipulated by a system that looks to complicate it and this is why I no longer wish to be a part of it.

Yet I can't deny the synergy of connection and how that ties into healing. Thinking in such terms of gardening and nature kind of simplifies it all for me. Our language and the quest to complicate it with current programming doing no more to inspire desire which just ends up with ongoing tensions. I'll certainly never get a grip on main stream mental health narratives as it's just as full of the same conflicting ideology to that which it aims to intergrade affected individuals into. In this sense it really is all part and parcel to the same machine.

I smile to think how here in my room that during the latest session I had with the visiting psychologist, how nicely he put it by claiming that my latest room project is like me drawing a line in the sand.

He understands me very well. He comes from Fiji also has traits of ASD and ADHD. The latter something he tunes into exceptionally well. I've now been seeing him for well over two years now and with much more regularity to any of the previous two which where divided across eight years. Whilst the other psychologists (one clinical the other registered) are exceptional in their own way, I'm hoping this lasted fellow continues with his studies to get his PHDs. He sees my daughter as well and has an interest in the family as a whole. Sadly this aspect is not enabled as much as it should be. From my experience the degradation of community services very much comes down into the division and privacy polices that plays into controlling measures since the implementation of regional politics as outlined by the United Nations. There is no con in this theory. It's not a theory. It's actually fact for anyone of us who has cared to look beyond the marketing regardless of what side of the fence one takes a view.

At any rate ... I never stand in one camp or beleive anything other than seeing the world change around me and gauging how National, State and Local Policies dictate community services as someone that's been reliant on them his whole life. Whilst my view as someone more or less labeled as byproduct will undoubted have different insights to someone educated and employed to handle the labels and others still, that tend to varioius dynamics more akin to the buffering within a system that we know as governance. Regardless of the difference in ideology and or experiential conditioning, many of us with different world views are actually now seeing and experiencing the same thing.

Yet, the apparent inability to convey as much in any meaningful way that makes positive changes on the lower levels is buffered as it is designed to be via a well designed complex language by those in power intended it to be. Everyone wants a PHD but even those have limits in such a system as it be. From a service point of view it can help to get your head around such things as it makes for good conversation with therapists who also have to struggle with such constraints. The warranting we go through from a client perspective is also very much the same for them when delegating or prescribing whatever measures. Such understandings also make acknowledgements for those in whatever varying degrees and segments more able to buffer the buffer so to speak. lol ... I am just getting tiered of it all and yes ... most certainly drawing a line in the sand.

So it is that the help we seek is more important that we get genuine people regardless of the complexity and constraints. If your interested in keeping your head above water in this sector of the community you need people that are willing to do the work rather than fall victim themselves to complacency which just sees both client and workers being churned up in the machine.

Speaking of such I have been requested to forward a wall of text that better defines and will assist the nature of my supports. It can be such a drain as I say but I understand the need at this point given all of the above and each time I do I know it just adds to my case. The reality in that though is knowing the pit falls of over-identification that I have not really extrapolated despite repeating the notion; to any meaningful degree.

My struggle is navigating that damn regional control aspect that's is making every aspect of living life a *contractual mutual obligation* with little regard for the avalanche of conflicts when it comes to treating people as humans. On this level people are literally becoming drones programmed by bots. For now I press enter and think about my next approach when dabbling in my own programming. I just caught the therapist on the way out the door after visiting another room. I got some good ideas off him which I'll outline in my next post.

First I go for a ride on my bike - check in at the spot I previously shared - come back and then start an outline that plays second fiddle to the symptoms so often exploited re *mental illness* but highlight the primary nature of what makes me - me - something often misunderstood and or interpreted in that label ASD. The conflict is that the latter is not appropriately recognized in the terms of said *contractual mutual obligations* but relies more on the calling cards aspect *mental illness* which is more used to usher people into doing what those empowered say.

Off to debrief with the ocean air and sea breeze.

[Ponder]

Unless any other sane people chime on in, I think I take a page from other peoples books and let what needs to take place. I've joined a chess club online so will chill for how ever long.

Silence is the best treatment in cases like these.

Be as well as can be.

[Kirk]

Glad to hear you are doing good.

[Kirk]

When I was young, I used to play chess and I was pretty good. Now it would be harder for me to play as I get bored very quickly.

[Ponder]

:) So nice to see you Kirk. Thank you for popping in. I hope you are doing ok? Sorry about the state of the place. I started posting again trying to do good is all.

I was just getting ready to log into chess.com. I tend to go hard at one hobby at a time then switch over and go back to the other later. I've played 55 games with people over the last three days with 28 Wins - 22 losses & 5 Draws. My win rate is improving. I've had 4 wins in a row since yesterday. I started the process of studying. That has made a difference. That said my rating is only 525. I'm hoping to get my rating up to 600 by days end. Given I am only playing similar ratings as me with that only brining in like 5 - 20 points with each win and -2 to -20 (more or less) with each loss ... gaining an extra 100 definitely takes time.

It's good when we can keep our minds on something other than what keeps us down. However, not that people should be discouraged from expressing negative feelings. I mean at least when making an attempt not to damage oneself or others. Some of us struggle a lot more than others when it comes to the art of balancing is all.

I would like to keep posting at least in this little space despite what's been taking place in the rest.

I am struggling with the program I am on but will think more about that as I always do before digging a hole that does little to help the situation. But yes, I am making the most of what I can and don't want to impact others but instead help by keeping as stable as I can. Trying to at least change my less than positive patterns of thinking.

Thanks again for posting Kirk. I do hope that you and those you care about are doing as well as can be.

PS ~ From what I have read re your past postings and articulation, I can imagine you being good at chess.

[Ponder]

From what I have read, the ELO Chess ratings at Chess.com are a very slow progression. I did however manage to go from 530 to 600 after a good days grinding. Mission successful. :)

[Ponder]

Not much to report. Changed Chess Platforms as I discovered Chess.com system is different when starting out re the lower ratings. I reset account but ran into other issues so have insteaded ended up with Lichess and Chess24
I am glad one of my only local friends has returned from a month trip. He is the guy whose mother used flammable fluid to coming suicide. I don't think I was posting here at that time and or if I did can't remember bringing it up? No matter, he is doing well enough. I started doing a lot of walking and cycling with him to help him regulate during that time. In turn his company is just as good for me; when balancing the times engaged and not. Has been heavy for me taking some of that on. So many people I know that have committed suicide. Just never strops.

Anyways ... whilst I am in this fad I continue to play chess. However, I did spend 3 hours this morning cleaning fish tank and pressure hosing around my plants and the concrete outside.

Just a quick check in for now.

[Ponder]

Fatigue as been a big issues of late. It's not just bad choices re food and the amount to fill the void but also lack of sleep and a number of other things. I did ride to my friends house but find I get tired easily when doing those short trips. It's early just after 7:30pm but I am going to have an early night. Just logging in and making a note about the fatigue. It's been very raining here these last few weeks. Back yard is still very boggy. I am pleased to say that the 3 hours house work this morning was also a good thing.

I see how I do making more of an effort to get out the door for early dawn walks before there is too much light. My morning posts of old after such a routine where full of much more energy.

Sounds like a plan - early night ... get up early and go straight for a walk and then see if I can come up with some kind of positive outlook therafter.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Some ASMR and drift off after that ...

[gypsylee]

Hey Ponder, got your message thanks (I can't find the PMs using this phone).

[Ponder]

Hello again Gypsy. I understand re the phone. Is the same for me. Seriously in here is just as good as any other place however if you want to share anything you don't want public your more than welcome to use PM when in desktop mode OR use the email I have linked you up with.

Excuse typos in this one - I edited a little but not enough to make an easy read ... just freestyling before making the push to get out my door. There are plenty of mistakes ... now we all know.

Regarding Facebook. I actually had to lock it down to only family today. This is something I have been meaning to do for a whiles now. Still getting contacted by other survivors re the huge post I made in here some years ago can be hard to endure. That's the main reason I have locked my account now. I mean not to offend those reaching out but is just something I am now to worn out to do anymore. I have really aged before my time when it comes to tolerances on such levels. People just don't understand how much I am not the conditioned person I used to be. More over people do not understand that in my quest to De-Culture, that what others still cling too ... *sperate to the abuse* ... but more so societal conditioning - that when I hear others speak the language of ingrained culture ... it just pushed me away kind of thing. Not so easy to explain ... although I could/can do it for those who are able to read the wall of text. Right now I will not bother because it takes more focus than I have right now to make such text an easy read. To make it flow and eb.

Alas - that is why Facebook is not a good place to reach out for me.

Forget about those who wish to destroy this space - I see no reason why we can't be open in our relations in places like this. People do not have to read and those that react only embarrass themselves. I would say the more we stand in our space amongst such trolling behaviour the more toxic it is for those who continue to express without a care for how others feel. Draining at times yes ... but then imo ... well worth the effort in trying to do something for self as well as others.

Here - I give the 20s music a break as was kind of just making more a point that really being into it most of my day ... This is my Goto for relaxing when posting away:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNh2yB0w8gU

I might see if I can find a worthy pod cast OR just going without whilst prep for a ride. Thus sun has just come out after being rained in for a couple of weeks. I've made a few attempts at getting out but it looks really nice outside and this time of year presents a very small window where I live for about 4 to 8 weeks of ideal COOL weather that I much prefer.

OH YEA - I got the TV I researched instead of the air purifier. The TV was the best quality for buck and was on sale thus made a better option to buy whilst the actual air purifier I wound up deciding on was a change at the last minute costing more than the discounted TV. I'm really impressed with the budget HDR when watching shows that air with it - Love Death + Robots on Netflix looks really nice in HDR. So glad I stuck with 1080 Native resolution as most shows still out sourced in it look very smick. Ful HD on Native 1080p screen always wins over up-scaling but people are still fooled and shows quite well just how easily people are fooled.

Pics form my phone really don't do it justice. I am really spoiled with this current setup I have which also makes me feel a little disgusted with how so many of us live. That's another story. Always best to live with easy come, easy go and make the most of what you already have only making little improvements when you can. I have a plan to stop the carrot on the stick soon enough - It's just not worth it. I am prepping for when I have nothing left coming in. Getting rid of the hugely expensive computer build was the first step. All I get from hear on out is just meager in terms of most other folk yet in my eye it's all still very rich. We really do live in excess and pretty much gluttonous in our way of living. In fact that's exactly how I and most others are slowly killing ourselves. Some fast than others.

Actually to much effort to upload the pics : ) - It's crazy that I think that way knowing just how much my furniture does not match and what others would consider I do not have. But I know I am not crazy. It's more how we are trained to see others who either do not have or how much more they have ... that's the insane way that we are taught to live. Always about what others thinks.

Try not to let it be like that ... just work with what you have and do what you can to be comfortable in your own skin. It's extremely hard I know. Especially when we fill ourselves up with quick fixes.

I go move now so I can better enjoy being in my den. :)

Use the ignore feature Gypsy and just say what you need.

Have not listening to this yet but will do so whilst out aimless riding - I'm not much into the Woo Woo music Docos with Mesmerizing Images These days ... nor the religion of science or any other doctrine that is worshiped by means of an establishment, system of beliefs, ideology and all that kind of thing ... I'll listen carefully looking for this authors on agenda, bias (which we all have) and come to my own conclusion which is never ever final and always open to change. What I notice with most of these claims is how most other claims are woven into them ... little bits of so called truth that is then spun to create new worlds that authors would have us see. Laughs out loud thinking how skeptical I can be but it's not quick as black and white as that either. Euphemisms being what used to be more appealing when younger is a dynamic to consider when more youthful less lived authors propose with such vigor - there are pros to be had from such perspectives in being inspired when we older folk care less to live anymore than we already have, yet the notion to believe in one way not only more appealing because of all the extra mojo to be spend. but also often dictated by the quality of life one wish to live above another which is how politics takes such lessons and weaponizes them. Fanciful notions that in the end have no real meaning because of the society we live in.

Meh - I'll still see what this presenter has to claim and see if I can glean from it to further work on my Den.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ6MIk8-pSA:)

[Ponder]

"Who are You & What do You Do for a Living?" Before exploring the isolation, division & expectation within such questioning, bare in mind that whilst many of us can claim with certainty that we have different *World Views* having had different experiences & spawn from different environments, I think it's fair to say that the universal context of such wording is one that we are All very farmiliar with. Yet despite the obvious judgment hemmed in with such an inquisition there are quite a few ways in which we can expose the demeaning nature of such questions.

A process of conditioning we are taught to beleive is no more than a means to being identified as one individual among billions. Just a necessity; a means to an end. We are the individual that our BIRTH CERTIFICATE states we are, we are the Sex that our BIRTH CERTIFICATE states we are, we came into this world on the date and time our BIRTH CERTIFICATE states we did, Our Mother's/Father's Occupation is what our BIRTH CERTIFICATE states it is, we reside at the Address our LICIENCE says we do, our occupation is what our Social Security NUMBER states it is, we have X amount of $$$ that our BANK CARD states we do.

It matters little what we score during the educational phase before being uploaded into the mining phase (work pool) as this dynamic of human identification as to who we be: NAME - DOB - AGE - SEX - OCCUPATION - ADDRESS & ECONOMIC WORTH are no more than primary stats in how we be considered by not only the state but also our one's peers. Those of us who are rewarded with high marks for correctly repeating the doctrine within said governance will rationalize such a system as reasonable and necessary. The general consensus is to gloss over one's Cooperate Name and thus remain blinded to the fact that like everyone else, each and everyone of us are but no more than entities within a larger corporation *owned* as nothing more than property by the corporations that govern us. Our BIRTH CERTFICTE is more like a BOND where we owe the world a debt from the moment we are born.

Reasonable & Necessary? Well ... that really does not matter when you consider the reality of how we come into this world and how this world operates. Glossing it over with terms such as *imperfect-world* I think is as detrimental as the term *avoidance* is within the clinical mental health sector. Why is there even a need to gloss it over? Gloss what over? Context as the this post be titled: *Identify Crisis - An Unnatural State Of Being* With the notion that you are born as no more than property bound by the state in which you are born. Location and culture now being less of an issue as the world now tightens its grip with respect and or fear to one world regional control.

What's it all mean. It takes a life time to unlearn and reach deep ... in many cases open up ... to prepare when writing about such things.

I really felt I needed to go back over this dynamic before embarking on yet another bout of letting go. The introduction here a little more concise and to the point regarding Social Engineering Vs Reasonable & Necessary. You really got to get a grasp on the reality of how world governance works, today's technology and how people are controlled. Who are each of us really? Is the world in which we live really allowing us to really be? Are the choices this world offers really choices? Why the need to even make a choice at all?
__________________________________________________ _

On with my day as I please ... I revisit this soon enough with the notion to dispel much of what is taught; especially in main stream mental health forums. WE NEED NOT BE OUR LABLES. Start by questioning the words people use and how they use them.

Until next post ...

[Ponder]

Another reason I locked down my Facebook. Most people just don't get it and or deny it.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoW_cPx_638

[Ponder]

A talk about meditation rather than any kind of image of an individual in spandex willing themselves to meditate as some part of advertising gimmick to which we sheep lap up so mindlessly. Good watch on how we cling to the labels that mental health forums thrive on encouraging.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foU1qgOdtwg

[Ponder]

It can be hard listening to Eckhart in as much as being reminded of how deeply entrench my mind is with this world's way of expected living. Pulling myself back from saying we as I did a few posts back. I normally am careful of using likewise assuming words. I'm glad Eckhart mentioned routine although that's more a video on digital devices and about making space for time without. The way one engages with devices is also another tact in not allowing oneself to be overwhelmed. Definitely know well thought out responses in the way I like to write. It's true that once you start doing that most of what you say losses it's power and or comes off as pretentious rather than genuine. Although genuine in nature the tone can still vary depending on my state at the time I write.

Tonight I take another pill: BRB
Which for me says a lot about where I am really at.

Whilst I don't mind sharing some of Eckhart's wisdom that resonates well enough for me, not everyone in the audience or on stage is fortunate enough to be at their level of consciousness. Just throwing that out there because I know I struggle with it very much despite the moments I am able to reach peaceful stated regardless of the labels. Playing along re the labels for the sake of one's perception on safety and security as conditioned by our digitized society keeps me from fully embracing much of what Eckhart conveys. This conflict for me has always been with me from the moment I was born and only got worse as I've gone from one facility to the next. Why so many can be indifferent whilst I cannot goes way beyond my labels; at least the way I am seeing it.

No matter. Just got to work on the routine side of things. I think I need to start doing the day by day method once again. Day 1, Day 2 and all that. On the surface is seems counter to what Eckhart teaches but in extreme cases I guess I can reason it as no more than counting the breaths. It's all a phase and I think it's apparent that I indeed having permanent triggers that I will never fully be rid of. What's a phase? I just mean a cycle I guess. Whilst I got still got plenty of pills left they are not the type to be taking everyday and nor do I want to be getting another script. I have my own reasons for avoiding such and not meaning to get all bias about that.

Right now though space is what I need - not the kind in my little room although layout and not drowning surrounded by things also plays into that. Just my head space is all.

I thinking locking down my Facebook account was a good place to start.

This pace in here is OK if I can keep genuinely focused on my state of being without negatively affecting those few that do pop in to have a browse. It's been interesting to find one self in digital form via the use of an online forum whilst grappling like so in an otherwise void.

Will I or won't I make tomorrow another bout of Day One? Reaching 30 Days like that last time I did would could do me a lot of good. Cold turkey is all I know ... but this time I might allow use of headache medication when dealing with the acute pain early on. I'll try natural remedies such as showers, drinking water and light exercise but coming of the sugar and processed foods like I have been hitting them of late is going to be very painful as each time it's only been getting worse ... yet I have still been relapsing and each time I do it's been more a compulsive disorder in the letting loose. I basically nod off each time I have lunch and dinner being unable to stay away if not hitting up on chocolate drinks, candy, donuts and or other quick fixes straight after my meals. As much as I hate going to medical clinics due to the robotic interactions I am starting to fear what results I may get re being diabetic.

So yea - I may very well have to start my Day by Day approach yet again and no focus on the fact I have been unable to get a grip since how ever many years it's now been. Back to do or die I guess.

Yadda Yadda and all that.

Glad to say I have been out on my bike the last few days in a row. Both bouts not for too long but long enough to let me know just how weak I have become and continuing to regress. The abuse I have been doing re food has everything to do with that.

So it is I think I might of built up enough willingness in this acknowledgement to take on yet another cold turkey detox bout.

This being the precursor to Day One.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pBLZzZdQ0s

[Ponder]

Yep ... so here we go again. Seems like pathing the way with last's nigh post has set me up well enough to take on Day One! I'll even use an exclamation mark despite my reservations in using them.

As usual I'll do a morning post although spent most of the time over at No More Panic trying to settle another who went spastic over one of my replies. No quite that dramatic but I think I patched it over accepting my own faults and then putting them on ignore. The reason I glanced over that sight was in some vain attempt to make yet another remark in my journal on the fallibility of such forums despite finding myself in this one. Life is full of hypocrisy I know.

Thank whoever that this space still exits. I'm really stunned it's still here with all things considered.

Moving on.

Day One: ... typically begins with a little focus on routine and some kind of affirmation on what's to be done. An approach if you will. Similar to last nights post.

*Posting more often - generally mornings but during this phase multiple times throughout the day. Whatever helps.

* Back into the usual deity regime with what I know works for me. - I'm not going to hit myself too hard as the shopping just got delivered and there are some items on that list although not part of my hard core changes also not too detrimental. First week is more about NO coffee, Black Tea, Processed Sugars, Sweets, Processed Foods, No Snacking unless low Glycemic Fruits and Veggies. In the early phase I'm also taking multivitamins and drinking lots more water throughout the day. Just doing those things will set off the detox migraines for the next 5 days.

Additionally I will work on making a better pantry in my bedroom cupboard. I can move some of the clothes into the cubed storage shelving I just bought to place my TV on. I uploaded that pic now:


https://i.ibb.co/DQNtDG8/TV-stand.jpg



Woops - I hit enter instead of preview ... no matter. I also need to get on my bike ... I'll continue this a little later in the day or whenever. Feeling better now that I have a plan and things are coming together slowly re my new home.

Adios until next post.

[GrimReaper]

Shut the fuck up, you stupid cunt.
https://media1.giphy.com/media/3ohc0QQkTH6YK8g4zS/giphy.gifhttps://media1.giphy.com/media/3ohc0QQkTH6YK8g4zS/giphy.gifhttps://media1.giphy.com/media/3ohc0QQkTH6YK8g4zS/giphy.gif

[Ponder]

Day One is coming to a close and pleased to say I've done well. More meaning I've begun eating real food for a change and whilst I can feel the effects of suddenly stopping the junk food I'm still feeling sick enough to continue stopping. The trouble begins when I start feeling well again and people tell me I should reward myself. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Day 30 is a long way off.

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This was a good watch ... nice to mix things up. I love Eddie's work. Very likeable character.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJy2B6njSdQ

Here's looking forward to Day Two. :)

[Ponder]

Todays Background Music → Positive JAZZ - Morning Music To Start The Day (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cN7LWGO-gE) ←

Highlights for today: Fortnightly Therapist Home Visit and meeting new prospective support person. I've put off opening up about it because it's been a very sensitive subject for me. The build up to the change over highlights quite well my struggle with the government program I am currently on. I try not to talk about things so personally anymore because of the ego trap that Eckhart talk about quite a lot. Yet at the same time I think it's more a case of writing from a place that's not so entrapped.

Basically I had to eventually terminated support based on community stigma combined with my previous support person's decline in health impacting the nature of my supports. These latter issue was more leading more to the former. Stigma is such a tricky topic to touch on. I've known and been engaging with my previous support since 2014. As you get older you begin to appreciate not burning through bridges. I regarded that support as a friend and kept him on longer than I should of given how his own problems were impacting mine. I knew he was struggling financially as he often talked about those struggles to which I fully appreciate and he also had family that he was supporting. I had made working with me so easy that I in the end I was more supporting him than he I. Is all good ... I liked the guy and we got along well all things considered. The problem was that as his condition worsened, his professionalism or skill when supporting me dramatically also declined.

All my conditions for the most part could be termed *Invisible* although not entirely as depending on the environment and circumstances it becomes clear that I struggle to engage. I'm actually very accepting of these difficulties and it only really becomes an issue when others have trouble conducting themselves when dealing with me. Of course some people are more tolerant than others.

Being supported as someone who so obviously can articulate in this space as I do now, but then disabled in another space no seen by those reading or being unable in the eyes of supporters when out and about to then being seen more able in my own space can create all kinds of doubt. Those more privy to my records and trained in whatever way, will be afford me the required space - BUT - those in the community who are still not farmiliar with the concept of people with invisible impairments generally do not have the awareness and in other cases do not care at all for people whom struggle to complete forms, get through the line as quick as others, not hear properly, not understand basic signs or directions and so on and on.

Here's the thing for me and others similar to me that I have queried (a few likeminded peers locally) ... Having a person along your side for moral support can do wonders in helping us to engage on our own, and do so in a way that is less troubling for others waiting. I mean let's face it we do live in a rush rush world and half our problems would not exist if not for nature in which we live. In some ways I am kind of in the middle of someone in a wheel chair whose image is seemingly more accepted where some people might even rush to a door and open it for them to that of an old person subject to all manner of gossip at the back of the line because the poor old fart just can't seem to get a grip with how much money they have, what card they are scanning or what buttons to push.

Me - I'm the guy in his 50s struggling like the old person for a number of reasons to long to list. That said I do feel it's helpful to try. Mindfully so though. The insanity comes when I am unable to convey and people treat me as poorly as the do old people which when I see that also happening just creates more conflict and thus unable. My involuntary behavioral patterns linked to hyper sensory perception as that be to autistic spectral disorder overlapped with hypervigilance as that relates to chronic complex PTSD, not excluding ADHD with all that obviously explaining well my social phobia ... although I'm not embarrassed as nearly as much as the latter implies ... make it extremely difficult for me to participate in a world with so many expectations and directives. What I have expressed here has nothing to do with bad behavior. Unfortunately most people in the community operating on the level of consumption do not understand people affected like so. Understanding why this is so can be helpful but does not really change anything. Actually such insights can be depressing when allowing ourselves to give to all that negative energy. Thankfully this does not always have to be the case.

Many times I have actually questioned the program I am on. The nature of permanence undermined by the continual process of warranting, the supporting evidence as based by whatever, it just goes on and on. This being one dynamic separate to the stigma we all face from day to day no matter our claims or so called identities.

So with all that context out of the way in what I hope was not a rant but just simply the most objective way I could convey my perception - that as my ailing support person himself became less able and we were no longer engaging whilst out and about, I started looking more disabled and my support person looking more like a shadow. (This is one for the text book) As a result people started treated us accordingly. Even during times I would attempt to engage, at say that check out of a store, the staff would look straight past me where my support worker would then take over. Such is a very disabling moment for the client and most support workers will appropriately redirect. People are people ... some in the community are not comfortable dealing with disabled people and even less with those they think is nothing wrong with. Stigma, mains stream media and social media all play a large part to that. Work ethics, Ideology and so on. At any rate - to avoid such bias rife in the community most clients with invisible disorders tend to recoil from having community supports in such public interaction. So it has been for my peers I mentioned earlier. I am one of the few I know that actually utilizes that side of support.

Anyways ... to finish off with our parting ways - It was after airing my concerns many times to my support person that I feel uncomfortable when people ignore me when I am out and about engaging on matters that pertain to me. That they should be dealing with me and not my support person. I tried to explain that I understood how some people might be put off with my demeanor as I have a hard waring face, not the fanciest clothes, need a shave or whatever but still pressed the point that it should be me that they are directing attention too. Now that said, I understand that it's not easy for support persons as the mood of client and presentation re above, can indeed affect interactions on both sides all sides of the fence. All the more reason client and support persons be well matched. I'm glad to say I've done well on my side of the fence compare to days of old. Yet the stigma has driven me into the ground in the way people just ignore me since my support person stop engaging with me when out and about. Instead they did all the engaging in a way that made the job easier for themselves.

The last straw was when a food doctor asked me if I could read after having just listed my diagnoses. Basically he wanted to do hand deliver something that he could simply have his secretary scan and email. It was pretty clear I was well read. What was more the issue was explaining the nature of how I had struggled with keeping the appointment times and that the reason I had a support coordinator (separate position to community a support person) assist with the paper work was because I needed help with that side of things. I suggest in this case given the nature of my billing and support that it would be better if his secretary simply scan and email it.

It was at this point the doctor started using my support person as a means to ignore and isolate me. I think that line sums up what many in my position know so well when it comes to such bullying. Suffice to say after keeping my cool, I did make a few emails of my own. I terminated the service agreement with that health dept. I also terminated the service agreement with my the long time support person. I was as gentle as I could be explaining similar to above. I also terminated the Support Coordinator as they had been very clinical in their dealings with me and not truly understood the struggles I have been having with the process/es of being supported on said government program. It's all be very dehumanizing where I question very much if it's worth being on. It's a tough call because when you do manage to get people that understand, work towards, know how to redirect, engage, and all that kind of thing, the concept of help can work.

OK - That's kind of why I am meeting with a new prospective support worker, have a seemingly pretty cool new support coordinator and so on. Meeting with my therapist is just how I like to do it these days. I hope some of this came out alright as I am not trying to make up a new story or anything ... just trying to work out my next moves without dragging other people down. It's all about trying to make the system work to one as best they can.

I finish this up as I can literally sense my therapist at the door.

Back Soon enough ... Srry but no time for edits at this stage. All good.

[Ponder]

Still on course. Headaches not quite so bad yet. Perhaps too many distractions and drinking more water than last time is helping more this time around.

Will save the days summery on my game plan for the next four moths or so for tomorrows post if at all.

Just glad I'm trying to get back on the horse yet again regardless of the fact it's all I seem to be doing these last four years.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Here's to day 3 of clean eating. Going to have to make a trip to the store.

[Ponder]

Today is a bit of a struggle so will keep it short. I said yes to community support yesterday, then climbed the walls last night, then emailed this morning to call it off. I think my previous post explains enough as to why I still struggle with that. I don't want to get into a negative pattern of thinking but simply regain some sense of willingness towards what used to matter to me which is very different to today's regional programs. Whilst I know many places across the world suffer in different degrees and that there are many finger pointers among us whom love to compare different systems - that fact is that today's communities across the world are adopting similar practices that disempower what used to be more accessible without the need for contractual agreements. Every aspect of human life is now big business. I talk from a sector that thrives on sick and broken people.

It's time I started reclaiming some of my own power and take more steps towards that disconnection I have so often talked about. It will be interesting to see how my NO to community integration impacts my other supports. The industry where I am is very much more focused on service and job creation where it uses people like consumer products where the economics and ongoing services are more important than the mission statements. I don't see that as negative but just my reality and I have had enough of OTs, Doctors, Assessments and the like ... all the ongoing warranting that aims for affected peoples to focus on their worst days in order to obtain ... this or that carrot. Often these carrots I never even thought off until some worker or service sells the idea to me. Example ... "Dave did you know .... but we need to get an OT and perhaps a doctor or therapist ...

Long story short such programming is more disabling than lived experience. Just keeps you focused on negative aspects.

The impact of the marketing element perhaps people with physical disabilities are less effected with compared to those with the invisible disabilities. The latter are most certainly impacted negatively, at least those considered higher functioning. Yet that comparison kind of fails as I know one or two people in the physical category who also feel just as pressured when it comes to being consumed and consuming.

Anyways - it will be interesting to see how my program planners respond at my next review. I really am done with being paraded and nursed about in public. Like support is great but no so when spawn from said system in such a way and also from what I am seeing the public is way to unstable all round and not as accepting as success stories would otherwise advocate. All those images and testimonies are extremely plastic as best.

I'll just see what supports they allow me to keep after backing out of the whole community integration thing. Like I say ... for me there is no such thing as community ... at least as I once knew it. All that has changed since the new reginal programming's has been implanted. Newer generations have not lived long enough to understand. In fact newer generations are very disadvantage when it comes to said insights. People today are born into child minding facilities and installed with wearable tech as their means of programming.

Knowing how the system works whilst leads to insanity can also be beneficial in surviving it to some degree.
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Enough about all that for now though ... I just go back to Tolle and the like who help me find comfort in the void. Knowing more about that helps to disconnect. God forbid! JK

Here's to nailing Day Three!

[Ponder]

You Purpose In Life! The Devine Purpose!!! ... glossed with counter articles/authors/egos that speak of such things as no more than distractions keeping us from Fulfilling!!! ... which for many broken souls comes off as a collective universe looking through a telescope at itself wondering where it is. So it is that purpose is the telescope where meaning is lost via the act of looking/seeking. Fulfilling just another construct in as much as the expectation that everyone is here to dance some kind of divinely staged event. Participation is required! The latter being yet another solutions spelt out and sold in many books as well as being presented at some workshop with millions of empty souls looking through the looking glass as an unconscious universe views itself.

The same tricks and use of language utilized in the marketing all kinds of industry are as rampant in the self-help, philosophical & spiritual practices/pursuits /fads/cults & /entertainment. I view Tolle the same way I do Watts. I am careful not to slide into same fan based following and or worshipping mentality by way of taking their insights and making them my *own*. I don't understand watts or more a case of take on his view with us all being better off dancing some kind of dance. Such participatory terms do not work for me or many others despite that appealing philosophical intellect. I think that such gurus have not suffered in the same way that brakes a spirit for life in the same way that people end up with severe permanent mental & neurological & or illnesses from traumatic events that such presenters can only describe in philosophical ways for lack of not having experienced such.

I am able to talk from this perspective being byproduct of the apparent universal collective. I've noted many times before that you don't see much of the byproduct from the bottom of the barrel in such audiences. This point is not to minimize the pain and suffering that comes from those whom have not suffered in the same way or not branded as having severe permanent mental & or neurological illnesses. However I do note a misunderstandings between these two dynamics where the language used to bring insight for one facet can in fact be more of a distraction for the other.

These marginal to extreme differences in experiences and perceptions is really important for me to convey as whilst I keep listening to such philosophical and spiritual teachers there is generally one type of audience that seemingly influences the language used when it comes to the telling of *You Need to do* where those chosen words used for said audience, fail those further down the rung. I think those of us deemed with severe permanent mental & or neurological illnesses would do well to understand this dynamic I'm trying to hit on. Alan watts's desires to drink, have sex and dance to the tune of what he proposes life is ... to just dance the dance and play along with whatever tune, kind of fails those of us that have either had enough of such things or simply no longer care for the desire at all, or find such desires no more than a drain where that's OK ... the way Alan talks can often come off as a criticism for those who do not wish for such things. A lot of his followers seem to be more hip thus of course into such things and this is where I was meaning that the type of audience and their own desires/fears and so on at times can dictate the messages that are given. Oh Allan strikes a lot of resonance in all he says but for me whilst I gain many insights, I see just as many conflict that do not fit for byproducts like me. I'm simply not into his kind of universal of governance with all that dancing. Tolle whilst talks and skirts with some form or construct of devine dance, he seems to be closer to the mark regarding deeply fractured souls.

I'm not quite nailing what I am trying to convey here - but it does come down to how the shallowest of words for byproduct of society are used as Devine solutions for those with broken nails. Even my own comparisons fail and our subject to terms such as egoric and hypocritical - but more so confusing with no real malice intended at all. Like all this text is more about what swirls within my own being.

I've been doing the motivational self help merry go round trip for eons + the deeper philosophical and spiritual telescope online workshops for as long. Words and Terms that open up inspirational doors that almost give permission to do this or that or derive a concept of one needs to do or be a certain way just don't cut if for people who simply do not require a purpose or meaning ... that in fact such constructs have only been leading to the compulsive disordered that have ensued. Truth be told from beneath the rubble of such terms - one sees way more disorder spawn from desire and claims made of such things. That no dance is required at all and or if it ever was, it's not meant to be life long, as that be just one little fragment to existing at all. Basically that it's a different dimension for broken and busted souls where any form of peace to be had is as much to be had in a void with nothing, no sound nor any vibes at all.

Perhaps in that space I can change purpose to no more than a random happening that evolves into a random quest where such a fictitious character knowns nothing about the aims but simply travels from one point to another without regard for any outcome nor time itself. But simple is not how we live today - complex living that spawns many complexes - one after the other.

I digress but is ok. My point is that whilst so many are chasing positively comfortable vibrational states whilst rejecting that which is heavy - those of us bogged down in the heavy I feel have more potential to disconnect in ways that help us tune in to a state of nothingness which is way more appealing than the claims and telling's of whatever by whoever. Being byproduct as I prefer to put it regardless of whatever impartments but deem us unfit in an otherwise normalized society is prone to involuntary violent reactions which is why I avoid dancing the dance as I have come to see such a collective. On the surface we do what we can to swim and whilst there is much to gain from said reflections - the fancy language and terms that are mostly used do very little to come up with solutions that help us more affected; really live. Instead we ourselves teach ourselves how to die in a world that fears death. In this there is no need to fear an unlived life. No good comes from quotes that do more to incite fear whilst selling optimism. Think Natalie Babbitt - different interpretations to be sure. I'm just trying to make my own point is all. I found quotes less useful if I can't create my own. Even Tolle messes it up from time to time but again it comes down a lot to the audience. He even admits as much in a round about way when correcting himself on the language used.

So what am I really saying in all of this?

Day Four - Here's to day five. Laughs out loud.

[Ponder]

Day Four: Evening ... ZZZZzzzz I guess the self reflection can also be a distraction in itself. It was a hard day not giving in to my cravings. I can't say I have nailed portion control but I am making gains with eating whole foods.

(typos and not well constructed ... too tired)

We have a rental house inspection tomorrow. I got a most of my chores out of the way with just a couple of last minute ones do do before the real-estate agent arrives. I struggle very much how they take photos of all my things but understand why they do what they do. I think it is sad we have to live that way but what can you do. Most people do not respect the rules. At least the photos will show just how clean we keep the property in and outside. We are very good tenants like that. Never ever miss a beat with the rent as is automated and we did that long before it became a requirement by most agents these days.

I find it really weird how my strong traits to follow all the rules is considered a disorder. That said as I get older I can see how problematic OCD can play into things when I am unchanging in a lot of ways and I see just how quick the world is changing with more instability re the world's added complexity. I think the imbalance with how most people in society do not care for the rules unless they know they will get caught is more an issue. More and more I think this adds to growing disrespect all round. People also seem to lie much more easily than I. I chuckle to think how one's propensity to just tell the truth as is also be consider a disorder. I truly have never understood the world on such a level. That said I know a lot more now how people have been taking advantage of me with respect to such things. Nevertheless I'm no angle either. I do much prefer my so called gullible ways.

On the home front my daughter may be self admitting to the nearest psyche ward tomorrow with the help of her therapist who is the same one I also see. She is also struggling with the same reginal programming I am on but less able to process the pressure to be marketed and perform. Too many people coming to the house trying to sell betterment programs and so on. It has resulted in conflict and whilst I understand her wish to self admit, I think it just passes the buck with all that I said two posts back. They will just reassess, re-label and address the issue with more meds. In fact now that I think about it, I know she want to have the same options I have regarding PRN but I am not sure she understands how to regulate them and also that they will not give her that kind of meds because they too will most likely see it that same way ... where in the end she will just get depressed taking meds that make her fat. That cycle in itself creates and adds to already diagnosed conditions.

However - I think she will learn eventually that self admittance and continually dealing with Mental Health Services will just further cripple her. In those places they build up their own case to toy around with clients whilst interns/residents think more about their own careers than care at all for said patients. It's a mess given she is on the spectrum. She is as easily as led as me but I know to avoid those places. It's not worth chasing the meds but such has been an issue as most of my kids have strong traits re my heavy predisposition to addictions. Creating a background of dysfunction to build a case for medication is certainly a concern I have re my kids as I know two of them have been struggling to do such a thing. They get confused how with my extreme past and history that I have PRN when they both often get knocked back. I've tried to explain it takes a lot of research in knowing how the system really works and that my history with self-help, holistic approaches and constant rejecting of medications is also on my records. One also has to steer clear of the Mental Health Labels as they are very much stigmatized right through the medical industry as much as with general consensus - aka conditioning. You actually get penalized for having a history in drugs, prison and having mental illness. If those things are within 5 years of your record then you are easy pickings for those interns/residents and low tier doctors, courts, police, disgruntled front line workers and so on. Even with decades behind me, if I fart or have an outburst that requires a call to police, four cars will turn up with trigger happy police. I really wish I could get it into my kids heads not to mess with Mental Health Services. Its a very self perpetuating dynamic that does way more harm than good. It gets deeper than that but I am too tired to explain.

So many misunderstood peeps that fall victim to complacency in that part of the sector for sure. Is all good though because I know more suffering will just help my daughter see as I do when she comes out the other end. It still saddens me though that she has to go learn that way. The other side of the coin it can be hard when she screams and yells looking for conflict when she is in pain. Tonight she spat and then slagged in my dinner whilst I was cooking. Long story but pretty much sums it up. Is not always like that but the tension has been building with all that reginal disability programming I hit on. She did express that too many people are getting involved in her case trying to sell her things and make money off her as she herself put it. That part she is learning well enough but for all my own concerns on that, I would also like her to learn how to play that game and get the most out of supports. I fear it's complex for younger ones today especially those who are chasing the meds. Yet I fully understand why people want to medicate. 100% I do! Like I recently said I have been struggling with that myself and lately broken records for days in a row using my PRN. That said I have plenty left so feeling confident about my regulating of those meds. Just surprised I have been using them of late - but yea ... they have been more helpful for me than not.

Thankfully I am looking at Day Five tomorrow of clean eating. (including no need for PRN although again generally not an issue for me) I think I will just focus on that. I did send an email to my therapist as did my wife explaining the Mental Health Services are not welcome in our house. Last time they just randomly turn up without regard for the impact it was having on our house with X amount of people on the spectrum as well as my wife's MS and her supports. We have a busy household that is very consistent and when things change is can have a huge affect. Mental Health Services did not care about this which resulted in my having to get loud with them. This time we get the therapist to set them straight before pushing tier way around. Sadly they just made more negative notes on me that did not reflect their own intrusions or gave any background to the circumstances how they just disrespect our space and home. Frustrated workers in the community use those notes to make life very hard for people like us. Stigma is generally initiated as soon as notes like that are read. Another reason I don't like hospitals. Regardless of the autism diagnosis, as soon as they read the notes they tend to lean on diagnoses that reflect mental instability where PTSD being similar do involuntary reactions like ASD ... that anxiety, depressing are much easier buttons to press. Once you have been around log enough you get to see how these low tier workers play the game. People in hospitals do push patients around like power tripping police wanting to get back home to their wife and hot meal kind of thing. They create more suffering but blame the historical PTSD (without regard for the damage they do themselves) and mental health symptoms. Is how society works on many levels.

Bit stressed tonight but will keep things clean ... Pretty clear I have bias of my own but more so through the way I myself have been handled ... yet I am smarter than I look and have a good wife that is also great with such things. I've kept pretty clean for fear of such things when it comes to interventions that abuse one's freedoms and dignity like that ... all though the reginal programs do abuse people in a different way ... or actually similar in the dehumanizing way in in many cases worse than being pushed around. In fact I can tell like I started saying its also been what's triggering my daughter trying to use her like a product for their services. But again I can't lead her to water when she want's to take another route.

Cont .. post below

[Ponder]

cont ... (typos and not well constructed ... too tired)

Is the same with my own writings and why I mainly try to speak to myself when reflecting as deep as I do. It's just hard having to relive all this stuff in the same way as seeing my grandson getting programmed and that being a hard watch with my kids when they were young. Toxic world to be sure and this level many of Eckhart's well dressed audience are not so farmiliar with. Alas not for me to minimize their suffering ... just saying how we differ is all. Is liken to the TED X audiences that some of my acclaimed university friends cling too. Irony would have it though that some of them are on involuntary treatment orders and or have enough dealings with mental health. Can't judge a book by its cover but give me enough time with the person and I'll eventually work it out. Although it's taken we 53 years to work it out. : )

OK - no hard feelings about any of it all. My daughters spit did not seem to affect my meal. I just turned the heat up and hoped for the best. Have emailed to ensure Mental Health do not ask for home visits in the event she get admitted. (as that pertains to any would be conditions of release) Grandson doing very well at school getting awards. My wife is very happy with her supports (self managed) ... and I am glad that I was able to say NO to said programming and have explained myself well enough to my other supports.

Other than that ... I just want the inspection with the photo taking to be over and done with. Whilst I find it intrusive I am stable enough to be nice about it and all that.

My long term future goal is to get off the reginal disability programming but will take my time with that as long as I can keep saying NO to those selling what only makes me more stressed.

NOTE* Must remember to cancel laptop purchase as I've been waiting too long - if I don't hear back in 24 hours I'll cancel and get something cheaper. Learning to live off a much lower end computer has actually made me a little sad about spending too much on higher end laptop to play games. I hope the sellers don't get back to me because I will cancel for sure. This still be moneys from my small payout - soon it will eventually be gone but happy I did that huge water cooling PC project. In fact ... such carrots on the stick and whatever programs off what I am working towards a mindset that is willing to give it all up and live off bread crumbs. The quest for more $$$$ (and or things) is such a crutch and leads people to being spiritually poor. At lest in the sector and world as I've seen it.

OK ... enough self soothing for tonight. Well done with todays clean eating! A+++++

What will happen will happen ... Keep working on your own pain.

Night night.

PS - I've done well to ignore so far ... Kudo for that as well. A+++++

[Ponder]

Still on track. Well done for that. Got to say it's pretty sad logging into AF these days given the psychosis taking place in the background. I don't think there is anything any of us can do about that. No to worry I shall continue on as I have been.

Personal issues being attended too via the organizing of family meetings which should build a case for housing prioritization which I know my daughter would like very much. Housing affordability keeps people penned up more than they would otherwise like. This way in house conflict recorded by way of assisted mediation & associated reports will present a base of evidence for hopefully subsidized housing for my daughter. It will also help her to qualify for respite as well. I put forward a case that respite for herself is a far better option than just adding to what would otherwise become an historical list of hospitalization that for all intent purposes will in the future go against her. So we play the game and build a case providing evidence to qualify her for subsidized housing in a way that puts her on an urgent list whilst in the meantime have the option for respite. It also helps me deal with my own reactions as well and allows us all to be heard, validated and what not.

My wife and I can work out some time after that perhaps moving into a smaller place so we can also afford to pay the rent. The place we in is fairly big otherwise however the issue now is not so much space as it is more about privacy and the confidence in living independently Vs that feeling of everyone else making choices for you. It's not so black and white of course because we do what we can not to have it be that way ... but generally if not for the extreme rental and houses price hikes since the Covid Drama ... it would not be so much of an issue. Rents have gone up like almost 30% which is very hard for those less fortunate and unable to work. Of course that's another stigma all together that only adds to the instability of it all. Yadda Yadda.

Is all good though. We are finding solutions and playing along. That's how those labels take place but what can ya do but play along. No sense spamming the forum like a 4 year old screaming blue murder as if your the only one. Rolls eyes. Back to ignore ... I'll just take the win with how today has progressed. One day at a time ... still on Day Five ... evening actually.

My youngest boy is over in Korea having a great time. He and his wife are visiting her parents as reason for the trip. My son has been studying linguistics with the intention to perhaps get a job teaching English. Something like that. Generally he is a chef or more technically a cook without the glorified schooling. Seems to be a good job where he can walk out when he wants and have a job the next day kind of thing. That said, the hospitality industry is a bit like that when it comes to treating workers like crap. He seems to know what he is doing as he's been at it for near 10 years now and can afford to go back and forth to Korea whilst paying of his house. Well done to him! A+++++

This is him catching up with an old friend he met in Australia but then looked him up after landing in Seoul: He will be going rural soon enough as that's where his wife's parents live.

His friend on the left and my son on the right:

https://i.ibb.co/cvrRBbP/archery.jpg (https://ibb.co/FWDcrs9)

Traditional Archery is something my son and I used to really enjoy in our back yard, Just using suite cases full of clothes as target. Shhhhhhhhhhh Highly illegal doing that where we live. I used to show a few pics some time ago in my threads when I hang up carpet up in a shed back around 2014 although me and the young lad started around 2011.

My eldest daughter is still stuck over in the UK since the whole CV Drama and now has a child. My mum helped with some forms so she could get some kind of ancestry visa and now they will get dual citizenship for my new granddaughter. The hike in plain ticket prices and all the paper work with the citizen stuff has been the main factors it's been taking so long. It feels like four years since I say her last 2019 around march.

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What else is happening ... Oh Yea I got a refund on my overpriced laptop. Will have to wait 3 to 7 days for that to come in. The refund is not just because it's taking so long but like I said before I just can't justify spending so much on playing PC games. Like I don't mind playing the games BUT I am just over the BS with the marketing in much the same way I am with the marketing of everything else. I have to get real with where I fit on the food chain re my means. My mum is not going to be around to get helping me out and I do not wish for it to be like that at any rate ... although I do love the connections we make being like that. The nice hand written cards she send with a cheque. My follow up calls to say thank you and ask how she is. We swap movie recommendations both of us talking nostalgically kind of thing. That's how I have mostly been using my respite trips to see my mum. Is much better when my sister is not there - that drama not so long ago. I smile to think of the chaos that unfolded then. Regardless of my so called prejudicial childhood I have always loved my mum; even the times I wrote hard things about my past re rejection. Is no good holding onto all that - lest again you wind up like a 4 year old eternally spamming the forum with nothing but hate and bitterness. So sad to see ... Alas I will not let it affect me.

Well - I guess I will go back to retail therapy surfing online to make more appropriate choices and see how far I can spread out that overpriced laptop. That being the last of my payout from back in 2019. That said I did enjoy the custom build project and it lasted me a couple enough years. I knew that would happen and am kind of glad I'm in a much better head space despite the reality of what is now. Some things money simply can't buy and today I stand by what I said when stating that in the end it is only us than can give compensation to ourselves.

I think that is a good note to end on.

Here is to Day Six ... Peace to anyone that may be reading and of course peace to myself. I'm still edgy but doing what I can. I am still me and that's fine with I.

All good ... goodnight. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Morning focus - Ironically feel like starting to pick/play either a new (one I own) or an older game as a distraction. A distraction from the cravings and to help staying the course re time it takes to develop better relations with food and the like. So far so good. Right kidney area is feeling it as usual but could also be from sitting too long and not enough activity combined with the detox. Live for sure has taken a hit this last long bout of letting go.

My Son has offered to come visit when he gets back and drop off his PS4 but for now I'll find something that works on the old PC which I have been enjoying for its simplicity.

Inspection went well. Nice young lady that kept is simple and sweet.

Really just got to keep focused on my overall aim so will see what I kind find in the way of that distraction which for now I will consider more healthy than not.

[Ponder]

Day Six comes to a close. Had a reasonably good day. Helped support a friend at a Mental Health Meeting (ITO) ... Got a little sun by the ocean and stuck to eating clean.

I'm continuing to binge watch *The Good Doctor* on Netflix ... got confirmation on the refund of the laptop ... organized a bike ride for tomorrow with said friend. I took him shopping this afternoon as he can not afford to keep his car on the road and with the rising petrol prices ($90 to fill up our 4 cylinder car) I don't blame him. We both ride bicycles a lot.

Todays pic is of my shopping trolley. I just ducked out to top up on heathy fruits and veggies with a few health foods such as prune juice, flax meal, yogurt, a bit of salad and not much else. I filled up to average size shopping bags with one quarter watermelon as pictured. Coming out the other end of the check out at a whopping $94au ... that's almost 55 Pound GBP ... Surely that's getting ridiculous. I'm going to have to work out my meals to the grams in fresh foods if this keeps up. Generally I don't like to freeze my meals but I think at these prices I will have to bulk up with some meals unless I can get my head around the exact amounts of ingredients. Just as well I cashed in on my laptop when I did. Like that's not a big shop when eating health every day - especially when I am laying off the meat and need to eat more veggies and legumes to make up the difference.


$94au / 55GBP *&^%ing insane!

https://i.ibb.co/2kFz6NQ/Cost-of-food.jpg (https://ibb.co/RDgXSym)


Is hard to remain optimistic but I'll work out my meals exact not because I am counting cals (not at all!) but because I really can't afford to keep eating like that once all my money is gone. I'm definitely going to get my own panty but my room is starting to get quite small. The change in my eating for now requires more intake but I'll work on keeping that to a much smaller allotment if I am able to get to 100 days! My last successful bout worked out well once I was only eating handfuls of high density healthy fats and notorious dried non perishables that were providing enough of the essential vit's/mins/fats & proteins whilst. Eating fresh as the cost pictured above is just not sustainable on my pension and I know it's why most of my friends just eat cheap frozen bags of salty oily potatoes, cheap pies with even cheaper junkier food on the side.

Anyways ... is what it is and I think it only going to get worse so I best work out a plan on what meals I'll be eating as a disability pensioner and renter. Let's not even think about Organic although I do with some tin food from time to time. I defineatly don't remember it being this expensive the last phase I was on. Like it was but this is ridiculous.

Small bites and longer chewing. lol Yet that is also a good method for digestion.

Here is to Day Seven! :)

[Ponder]

GOOD MORNING
Please do excuse my odd sock. Will cut another piece of curtain to match like on the right side. Just never got around to it but will by today's end

https://i.ibb.co/CJnQwqb/1-Window-View.jpg

Just going to post a few pages in my thread on the current state of my outdoor garden. Only four images per page enabled on this forum. There will most likely be a 15 minute delay between each choose and scale the images. Each plant has it's own story but I won't go into detail other than review the images myself as to what decisions I make when contemplating what I do with them next when maintaining them. The whole collection started back around 2014 with four small indoor plants.

In fact the next image being in front of my bedroom door shows one of the original four plants. I think it's called a *Red Anthurium* It's now split into two with a third I have on the ground that needs my attention. Hard to beleive I've been maintaining it for 8 years now. I won't name all the plants because my memory is shot. The images are enough for me to work out what they need. I'm not over the top about keeping them pristine but I do have a passion for keeping them healthy and find doing so helps to keep my grounded as I generally have many other projects on the go despite slowing down these days. More so in my head than hands on kind of thing.


Outside My Bedroom Window

https://i.ibb.co/RYJfGKt/2-By-My-Bedroom-Window.jpg

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A little further back showing more plants

Forgive the lack of image quality here as my phone is not that great in low light and especially when using panoramic mode but the image itself is only meant to give an idea of what kind and how many, potted plants I have to maintain. I am always moving them around depending on the day, weather, cleaning, maintaining and that kind of thing.



https://i.ibb.co/3R3yym3/3-Back-from-bedroom-window.jpg

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Before I start walking around potted garden anymore I take a shot of what it looks like today from the exit door. Perspective is a little stretched going out and to the sides so whilst you get some kind of idea of the garden layout it's actually more compact where you feel more surrounded than what is conveyed here. I'm actually very particular about the spatial positioning and in fact I have to move around my outdoor setting as currently it's not sitting just right. I get to that soon enough on the next page when I finished choosing those images. Again just phone snaps in low light as this is more about me working out what I am going to do or even acquire next as I keep working on making this spot a really nice place for visitors and ourselves to enjoy.


Outdoor Exit:

*Note the little *Red Anthurium* The small yellow pot on ground level sitting in a saucer. I have it taken from the window box in font of bedroom window. I need to move and feed it. Note* I have not forgotten about that little guy. It's a really nice feeling walking in-between the plants and looks really nice from my bedroom window and side glass doors. We do tend to move a lot as renters but well worth one truck load. So far we have been very fortunate with multiple years in one house at one time. I still count about 30 residentials places my wife and I have lived in ... that's another post as we actually got all the houses listed with google pics. It's another cool story to write about.

https://i.ibb.co/Fg1WH50/4-Outdoor-Exit.jpg

To be continued ...

[Ponder]

Cont ... I just noticed the need to high pressure hose closer to the exit door but have held off due to the amount of rain we have had, soil down the side of concrete flooring along wooden fence (not how I would of done it) and that fact our back yard as well as other's have been like a swamp waiting to dry out with the need for a weeks worth of sun. I'm generally careful to ensure good airflow behind my pots and especially given the soil along wooden fence as just mentioned. Perhaps I should not of mulched along it, however I am sick of spraying posing to keep the weeds down and don't want to spray behind my bamboo plants. Best I can do is ensure adequate air flow and will prepare a written defense if we live here long enough, that the wooden fence rots out during our stay. (doubt it but a concern for me none the less) Given the dynamics to that setup with soil lining concrete slab + the drainage setup on air cons that also requires constant high pressure hosing as can get really gross if you don't keep up on that ... its all the little things like that most renters do not care enough about. I'm all over it with respect to caring for the places + having a defense ready when we move out due to some agents being angels when you move in but then real pricks when you exit. But enough on that ... I've noted it and being mindful of it. Run off from outdoor pots and high pressure hosing is to be expected. Either the concrete slap should of butted up closer to the fence and or that wooden fence been lifted just enough to allow a little aeration. Colorbond fence would of been more ideal in this situation with a slight raise off the ground and proper drainage in place.

For now though, I appreciate my potted bamboo plants. I have nursed these babies well enough. They don't like having wet feet but need to be watered regularly when in pots. The is Gold Strip Multiplex Variety. Going by the fence there, the boat/caravan port is looks to be about 12 feet high at it's lower point. That puts some of those imaged bamboo stems 'reaching' near 3.6 meters high which according to online specs for that potted variety making these plants near full height. Just not sure whether to disregard the height of pots. The pots are a half meter wide.


Small Potted Bamboo Screen Project
...almost two years in the making ...

Height between that top of fence and boat/caravan port roof is greater than it appears in image due to the cameras angle and distance skew top half of space. Panoramic Shot.
I put together some framework to ensure the stems and leaves do not obstruct airflow along the fence. This is also good for the plant + makes the stems less prone to leaning over the neighbours side of fence which lessens the possibility of prompting them to cut my bamboo plants which would then result in police intervention. Laughs out loud. JK ... I would instead stealthily poison every plant on his block and blame the other neighbor on the other side. Hahaha ...

https://i.ibb.co/vv3V5nb/Potted-Bamboo-Wall.jpg
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Bamboo screen is enough to block out the neighbors view into my backdoor entrance/exit from his side windows and back door. I think is an attractive solution for both of us and again I ensure my pants are not intrusive for him. Imaged here is also my sitting area surrounded with a couple of potted bushes that flower in the hotter months of the year. Currently we are heading into winter. Also in the photo is our green waste solution. That being a wool bale that gets collected once a month for a small fee. We are not allowed to put grass clippings on the gardens and nor do I wish to do so. I'm also clipping constantly around the house and we have no green waste service in our area. Thus that wool bale option is a good solution.

We had more rain last night. There is a gap between the port roof and the house where the water runs of towards the wooden fence.

https://i.ibb.co/W325K2V/Sitting-Area.jpg

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https://i.ibb.co/ZXZy6Tc/sitting-area-2.jpg

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Outdoor seats are holding up well
Great place to have our meetings which we have quite a few of here. : D

https://i.ibb.co/GVhgrBz/seats.jpg

To be cont ... Note* I wish I had cleaned the concrete and the day was a little brighter for these shots but this is pretty much as real as it gets.

[Ponder]

Cont ... I will just spam the next two page with another 7 images with brief comments on what changes I may make in the near future. Fact is many of these plants are expensive to buy even when much smaller being reason why I have skimped getting more expensive pots and stands. To be sure such items can greatly enhance the look of the place and add features such as self watering (to a degree), varying aeration and moisture retention properties BUT they can generally be worth hundreds of dollars just for one pot or stand. Even cheap at 50 to 70 is still quite pricey when you have quite a few plants. The other aspect or way I look at it is I build up around less attractive pots and stands with smaller ones. That said, the layout I have at the moment is spready out where I only just had them set up all like that. Looks like I will just have to buy more plants to do it all again ... LOL

"Please darling ... I just need two more large bags of potting mix and I promise to get the baby plants + matching sized pots ... please ... pretty please ( ͠❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)"


​https://i.ibb.co/tpJtNcd/edible-plant.jpg


https://i.ibb.co/02BWpSp/2.jpg


https://i.ibb.co/Mcj2NYH/3.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/x8Q4bXj/4.jpg

[Ponder]

This one is crying out for a new pot:

https://i.ibb.co/SfjT7J8/1.jpg
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An example of cheap stands - retro arcade gaming seat and rotting wooden table top. I'll probably get more plants like I described and build up around the retro seat and consider a budget glass top table although that one will suffice for a while longer. Maiden hair fern needs a clipping and moving.

https://i.ibb.co/tLR6PmV/3.jpg

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Anther one I have multiplied from eight years ago ... is sitting a bit low and will need building up next season:

https://i.ibb.co/F0Fgkz7/2.jpg

That it for today ... time to plug myself in for a bit, keep eating clean and drinking water.

[Ponder]

Day 8 and still on track with clean eating. Very busy researching how to get the most out of my refund. I've decided to do a PC build but at less than half the cost of the laptop refunded which will leave me enough for an air purifier which I feel my bedroom would benefit from ... + ... maybe a new computer desk and tick free wall clock. Back to researching a much smaller PC relative to the one I just off loaded. So much hype to sift through.

[Ponder]

Nine days in with ten about to click over. I've done well. Congrats to me! I'm not eating super clean but I am eating clean. No caffeine at all. Just herbal teas and most of them without any honey as well. As for bread other than the odd flat spinach flat bread I am not touching the stuff. The fact I still have a little quick wrap is why I say I am not eating super clean. Until I drop that and all foods that are packaged aide from tofu which is up for debate among a few other *healthy Packaged* foods.

Point is I am feeling pretty good about the direction I am heading re food. Early days yet - I have another twenty days to go after tomorrow to beat my last attempt. I'm fairly keen on beating that.

In other news:
I was unable to part from my Watercooled PC. The initial reason was to make space as I wanted to deck out my room as I have previously shown with pics. After much research on what's what in June 2022 all things computers - I soon realized with the increasing prices world wide with respect to rents, food and petrol, that despite some PC parts dropping in price as they should, that NO ... I will keep my hugely expensive PC build. I contacted my friend to explain I had made a huge error in selling my PC, that I had the money he gave me and would like to refund it all ... bla bla bla.

He is currently having a blast in America. I thought he would be in a good mood. Alas to say No Probs. Lucky he had not yet come over to pick it up. Instead I unpacked it and set it up on my 4 foot table. I will gladly keep it and just sell the huge ultrawide monitor that I was using. For now I will stick with the little 24 inch. There is just now way I could ever afford to build a PC like that ever again. It's still top tier for today. I can appreciate making things last for as long as you can and that's pretty much why I am gong to hang onto my custom build. I did not think it would fit but after changing everything around ... it ended up fitting in pretty good.

I'll just have to get the air purifier at a later date. Perhaps after I sell my monitor and the last few things in my techy box I may just have enough.

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So Glad I Decided To Keep It.
Just did a fresh windows install.

https://i.ibb.co/KzBNCkY/Decided-NOT-to-Sell.jpg

I'm kind of relieved. Whilst there is such a thing as buyers remorse ... I had sellers remorse but now feeling OK I got a chance to reconsider. In fact I sold it way way too cheap. Never again ... famous last word. Long story short - I can still play my games.

I've been up and down to be sure. Is how it goes but yea ... the room is working out really good since I made the changes I have. I love my little recliner and new smart tv in my room ... the cozy soft rug, the soft yellow lighting, air con and so on ... I really have to push myself to get out of my room only for the sake of not getting blood clots. Laughs out loud ... but yea ... I do keep that in mind but nothing a quick walk around the house and some yard work can't fix. I'm still keen to add to my bedroom pantry and work on polishing the rest of the room with matching furniture over the next year or so.

Well that's a wrap for me ... going to relax with some more smart tv ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Last time I started eating clean it was around day 14 I pushed myself with morning and afternoon walks. I think it will be about the same with this bout as well.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Here's to day ten ... A+

[Ponder]

My wife says Karma got me although I don't think of karma in the same way as my wife does. I'm kind of glad my friend did not end up with the PC issue that has lead me to this post. Not that he could not of fixed it BUT it would of been a big job messing around with the motherboard given it's a water cooled rig. Suffice to say I have already fixed the issue (per se) but putting it back together in a way that does not conflict with bios and windows settings will be the trick. It's a power thing relating to RGB and Lots of RGB and cables RGB the being fancy LED lights. So many cables to route and reroute. I think I need to relabel more effectively this time and label everything.

https://i.ibb.co/BBHRYws/20220607-100039.jpg

Re Bellow: Lucky I am using soft tubing ... had I gone with hard line this would of been even more fiddly and time consuming ... would of had to drain just to have a look and or do some quick tests.

https://i.ibb.co/d47jwXt/20220607-100317.jpg


It's funny because when I went to set up the older PC ... it too had a fit! LOL - No not Karma ... but if that makes my wife feel good to say it then so be it. : D ... annoying to say the least with all these things happening at once.

https://i.ibb.co/JmM1vK1/20220607-110421.jpg

No matter ... A, B, C & I'm up and running again ... although the water cooled rig is going to take me a couple of days as I think I will also dust, drain and replace the cooling fluid + the re-cabling/labeling and so on
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All Good - More pressing issues is keeping on track with my food / weight

DAY 10 103.2 KG
yea ... I am going to start focusing more on my weight. The stats mean nothing by themselves. That weight is way way too much for a short guy like me. I have actually shrunk. I used to be 172cm or at least sure I was ... pretty sure that's what my criminal profile has me at. That's such a *long time ago*. (although society never let's you forget. Just as well I don't do society) Now I am 169cm. Just a smidgen over 5"5. Point is ... 103+ kg for that height and my age is not looking good.

The good news is that 10 days in with no coffee, tea, sugar, salt, sweets, bread and all that kind of thing ... whilst my joints are still stiff and enflamed from being so long off the beaten track and in the thick of the processed foods and quick fixes, I am feeling a hell of a lot betting with regards to being less inflamed. I'm still eating some meat but way way less and mostly fish ... although I know that can be an issue in the long run as well. Each to their own. Getting my head around or at least writing about my diet will take too long.

It might be good to do so soon enough since I am now tightening the noose re eating clean and weight loss. The later is no rush but just wishing to see a gradual decline in the same I say it building up.

That's about all for now ... time get on my bike, catch up with a friend and get some sun. Pulling myself away from halve undone projects at they arise can be very hard but a lot easier now that I am feeling more on track re my health - minus the ingrown toe nail that still plagues me ... smiles at that. All in good time.

Maybe post tonight if not too tired. Writing about such things does help to keep my grounded so will most likely be back for a double day post.

[Ponder]

I tried Gypsy :) - You can find me by the link in my avatar. It's time to accept and move on.

Peace Out.