Babimay
12-10-2008, 08:51 AM
Living with anxiety is not a pleasant experience. I often wonder how different my life would have been had I not developed this debilitating disorder during my teenage years. Would I have achieved more or would I have chosen a very different path in regards to life?
It seems as though family members and friends just don't get the extent to which this disorder truly effects a person. When telling people I suffer from General or Social Anxiety I often here "everyone gets nervous some times" or "everyone feels a little uneasy in social settings". Unless you have experienced these disorders first hand, I'm not sure you can ever even begin to comprehend the definition or the effects these disorders have on peoples lives and this is what makes having this disorder that much more frustrating.
When looking at my symptoms relating to Generalized or Social Anxiety I can see that they have limited my quality of life. These disorders have held me back from accomplishing many achievements. When I say achievements I'm speaking in regards to my academics, careers, relationships and personal goals and interests.
In school I found group work or activities and speaking in front of the class very distressing. When the teacher would start teaching study material my brain went in to "Fight or Flight" mode. I could not focus on the material being taught as I was overwhelmed by the idea that my teacher may actually ask me to answer a question or read out loud to the entire classroom. To many students this is not a huge task but to a person with anxiety this is one of your biggest fears. I would compare these anxious feelings to be similar to what a person riding a very large, very fast moving roller coaster experiences.
My body would go in to panic mode. I would start to sweat profusely. My underarms would be saturated with sweat leaving visible wet marks that would continue to get worse the more I worried about the possibility of being chosen by the teacher to do something in front of my fellow class mates.
Once this uncontrollable perspiration started, my attention would then shift to worrying about how many people were or would now notice these wet marks under my arms. At this point all these thoughts had completely drowned out the study material being taught at the front of the class by the teacher. I would now be scanning the room with my eyes to see "who" might be noticing this perspiration and my nervousness. While scanning, I try to appear as casual or calm as possible in order to "not" draw anymore attention to myself.
It's at these moments my teachers would always seem to ask me a question. I'm sure this would be due to the impression of not being focused with the lack of eye contact or the constant glances around the room. My teachers were simply attempt ing to regain my attention. Though the teacher had good intentions of keeping me focused in order to fully understand and catch the study material being taught, in reality this was only making my anxiety worse.
Instead of flying under the radar all eyes were now focused on me. I would now turn fifty shades of red while starting to studder and stammer over my words accompanied with more perspiration and a total loss of words whiling looking around the room with a look of panic wanting to run. In every class I would now be focused on lifting my arms from my sides as little as possible in order to conceal the very visible perspiration marks . From all my attention being directed away from my studies and instead being directed on these anxieties there wasn't much opportunity to absorb or take in the class materials or studies. You spend your entire day avoiding being noticed in fear of looking or sounding dumb to the people around you along with fearing people will notice your perfusive perspiration.
Tests and exams are a whole different matter. Most people have heard of test anxiety. Just the mear mention of the word "test" made and still makes me anxious. When trying to study for a test I couldn't focus on anything other than my thoughts of not being able to remember the material being tested on and how miserably I was going to fail if I went blank during the test. I just couldn't seem to focus or remember the information I needed to know. The main problem again was that I couldn't over come these anxious thoughts and again they crowded my mind leaving no space for the material being studied.
A great friend of mine would spend endless hours tutoring me. At the end of our study night my friend would prepare a study test which included any and all material just studied together which would be on the test. Once I was handed this study test I as usual would draw a blank. It didn't matter how many times I went over the studies. My brain again would switch to panic mode and my thoughts of failure would again return at the mere thought of failing even my friends test and then the real one that would come the following day.
I was even anxious about what my best friend was going to think if I couldn't answer the study questions she prepared for me. I was anxious about looking dumb or nervous in front of this friend I had known pretty well my whole life or as long as I could remember. At times I could tell my friend was clearly frustrated as at times she would say "I don't get it, we have spent hours going over this stuff , you had it, how can you not remember it already?" . While pretending to bang her head off the kitchen table a few times followed by a sigh she would simply laugh it off and she would pull out the study pages we wrote up together and we would start from scratch. If it weren't for my best friends endless patience I'm sure I would have given up on graduating from primary and secondary school with a Diploma.
In year 9 and 10 I was very active and involved with the schools sports teams but slowly my anxiety took over. I never felt like I was part of the teams even though I showed up for every practice and all the games. When entering the gym I would start feeling nauseous, light headed and my heart would start pounding. This happened every practice and every game. Imagine trying to function normal when your body feels like you have just ran 25 kilometers. That's the feeling I was encountering. My team mates were all familiar faces from various classes. They were very nice and certainly didn't exclude me from participation. I would always be greeted with smiles and polite "hello's". I wasn't picked last when forming practice teams and I was never picked on or teased yet I still felt inadequate.
Though I was as much a part of the team and welcomed the same as every other team mate something in my head still told me "I was an outsider" and I just couldn't seem to be myself. I worried constantly about my athletic skills and abilities being judged and constantly feared fumbling the game plays. I would have hot flashes, uncontrollable blushing and perspired excessively while dealing with many anxious thoughts. I dealt with these feelings everyday through every practice with every sports team for two years. Over two years you would think a person would feel like they new their teammates or would have a sense of belonging yet I didn't. People I met were always categorized as "Team mates" , "friends of a friend" or "people I went to school with". If I didn't meet these people in primary school they were simply not defined as "friends".
I wasn't snotty or stuck up. It would have been great to call all these people friends however there was always this fear of being embarrassed thinking someone was a friend to later find out that they didn't really feel they knew me or that I was in fact just a "team mate" or "friend of a friend". Just in case these new people in my life felt differently than me about the relationship formed I simply avoided associating new people I would see on a daily basis as "friends". As ridiculous as this sounds, this is how my mind works. Avoiding a feared situation is a coping mechanism when dealing with anxiety. If I avoid calling a person a friend I will never be befriended.
The summer before year 11 my anxiety disorder started causing panic attacks. It was always triggered by high stress levels from situation such as a break-up of a three year relationship, fighting with my controlling parents or exam week.
My anxiety attacks were severe. I would first get a migraine for a few days followed by vomiting and then "Bamb", I would have a seizure. After having a couple seizures I quickly learned to recognize physical symptoms my body would give me while preparing for one. I would get dizzy and lightheaded , I would lose my hearing and within seconds my ears would start to ring. My sight would slowly cloud over. My clouded circle of vision would get smaller and smaller until you could only see out a circle the size of a key hole and then total blackness hit. Then the seizure would happen unknowingly until I stopped convulsing and woke up on the floor. Obviously these episodes were adding to my anxiety as I feared having more of these attacks.
Keep in mind that while dealing with all these thoughts, feelings and symptoms I was unaware that Anxiety existed. I thought that what I was going through was either normal or it was simply too scary to deal with on an emotional level. I worried constantly about what was causing these attacks. Did I have epilepsy? Did I have a brain tumour? If it was all in my head I worried that people might judge me as being insane or crazy.
I had two seizures before telling my Mother that they had happened and I remember her laughing while in disbelief while saying something to the effect of "It's probably nothing ". I felt humiliated. It took all my courage to discuss this possible or likely illness to my Mother and she blew it off as though I had told her I scratched my arm. From here I just tried not to think about the seizures and had no intention of bringing them to my Mothers attention ever again.
Two months later my Mother and I got in an argument and it escalated to the point that my Mother lost control and started hitting me repeatedly in front of one of my friends . The fight started over me wearing a shirt that belonged to my Mother. Growing up my Father had always been a little overboard with physical punishment and it didn't take much to set him off. When I hit my teenage years I started to get in to the normal teenage mischief and this caused my controlling father to lose control on many occasions which added to all of my anxiety and stress levels.
Perhaps when this argument started I had seen my Father cross the line between punishment to abuse one two many times and I finally lashed back. I don't remember all of the details but I know I was sitting on a bar stool talking to my friend and my Mother said something to do with being told not to wear her clothing and then she lunged at me from across the room. She began belting me with the bottom of her fists. I remember putting my hands up to stop her which made the situation worse as she started hitting me harder and you could now see rage in her face. Up until that point I feared my parents and had good reason. My brother and I were never able to express our feelings or opinions. If we did it was considered back talk and my Father would give us a few good ones to set us straight.
I watched my Father kick my Brother in the back with full force wearing work boots one day because friends were swearing in the backyard. I watched my Father hit my Brother across the face full force with a huge leather Baseball glove. It left a mark on his face for a few days. My Mother never witnessed these incidents and we were always to afraid of what would happen if we said anything.
Back to the argument and my Mother attacking me. Well as you can see I had built up stress and anxiety from the level of abuse my Father was handing out and something inside me finally snapped and said "Enough".
After about the fifteenth blow something clicked inside me and I stood up filled with rage. I remember my Mother stopped instantly with this look of Panic on her face. As angry as I would get at my parents I had never ever retaliated and struck back out of respect,and mostly fear. Well that changed. When I snapped all logical thinking went out the window for a split second. My Mother tried to step backwards to get away from me but the back of our sofa was in here way. Unfortunately my Mother was cornered and there was no escaping this monster within me she had just provoked.
It took me all of two seconds to pick my Mother up and toss her backwards straight over the sofa clearing it all but her feet . When her feet caught the edge of the sofa mid air, the force flipped the whole sofa with her. Fortunately my Mother was not hurt as she landed on her back behind the sofa. While foaming from the mouth still filled with rage I pointed at my Mother and began to scream at her something to the effect of "I've taken enough of your bull-shit and abuse, I've taken enough from that son of a bitch husband of yours, don't you ever put your damn hands on me again, I mean it, I've had enough".
I packed my bags and moved in with my friends family. The next day I started my first shift working for my Mothers employer. I managed to make it to work and stood behind the building vomiting a half a dozen times before my shift started. My Mother was supposed to be training me which was sending my anxiety through the roof.
I persevered and we both acted professional while my Mother showed me my work routines. I only made it 25 minutes before having a Panic attack. I felt one coming on but because of the fight my Mother and I had the night before I didn't think she was going to be very sympathetic. Instead I tried to lean on a nearby cabinet hoping the feeling would pass. I blacked out then waking up with six staff members either sitting on or holding my limbs down on the floor.
Apparently when I start to fit my body still manages to attempt to protect itself by grabbing the closest object in an attempt to regain it's balance. My poor Mother just happened to be that object. I started throwing her around like a rag doll as I convulsed and my hands simply refused to let go regardless of the six staff members trying to pry open my grip. When I woke up on the floor my poor Mother was laying on top of me as my grip had still not released her. When the convulsions stopped I was helped up off the floor and I began to vomit violently knowing that I was now the center of attention and my worst fear was happening. Fitting in a public place.
My poor Mother. I still remember the look on her face when I woke up. I'm pretty sure she went in to shock, traumatised by the whole episode. It probably took her a minute or two to realise that I wasn't attacking her but instead having a seizure. My Mom's best friend worked with her and came out from the back in order to calm my Mother down. Never seeing a seizure before, I'm sure any parent would be distressed watching their child convulse on the floor underneath them after tossing six adult females around a room.
I was rushed straight to the hospital with my Mother beside me in tears filled with fear. I remeber telling her at some point during the car ride to the hospital that I tried to tell her about these seizures and she begain to cry even more. The Doctors ran a list of tests and misdiagnosed me with childhood epilepsy as there was no other explanation.
It wasn't until I was 23 years old that I was properly diagnosed with having social anxiety after a near nervous breakdown from stress, depression and anxiety going untreated. I had many bouts of depression and high levels of anxiety causing me much stress but I always seemed to pull myself together after a few months by exercising and proper diet. Each Depressive episode gradually getting harder and harder to deal with or manage.
I believe these disorders in my case are hereditary. I believe both an Aunt and my Father suffer from Anxiety and depression though they have never been diagnosed by a physician. They both have symptoms related to these disorders.
My Mother recalls me having a few episodes from as early as my toddler years. I was resuscitated on three separate occasions. I simply began to cry when my parents left me with my Grandparents. Eventually I would gt so upset or worked up that I would hold my breath until I either passed out or I would simply stop breathing. My Grandparents were very lucky to have had a Doctor living two doors down from them in all three incidents that I stopped breathing. Back then the Hospital admitted me and monitored me for a few days after each episode before sending me home with a clean bill of health yet not sure of what caused the medical condition.
Some environmental factors likely contributed to the severity of my disorder. I was never involved in clubs or teams as a young child limiting my social interaction and skills development. A controlling abusive Father limiting the opportunity for me to make decisions or express my opinions. Personality factors, as a young child I was always very shy and extremely quiet.
I'm hoping a few people can relate sto my story or thought patterns.
Unable to balance my sleep and life since the birth of my son is forcing me to seek help as I'm just not able to bounce back as I did pre-motherhood. I have just been prescribed medication and I have been referred to a therapist of some sort to try and help me manage my anxiety.
Did I mention I hate talking to strangers (Defined as Doctore, Therapists, Managers, Supervisors, Authority and pretty much anyone I didn't grow up with). I'm not sure I can handle talking to a Therapist. I get extremely emotional crying every ten seconds, everytime I try disclosing anything personal or anytime I'm asked a question. If I'm not crying, instead I can't communicate studdering and stammering in the end leading to a blank mind or loss for words probably followed by more crying :roll:
Wish me luck.
:unsure: :unsure: :unsure:
It seems as though family members and friends just don't get the extent to which this disorder truly effects a person. When telling people I suffer from General or Social Anxiety I often here "everyone gets nervous some times" or "everyone feels a little uneasy in social settings". Unless you have experienced these disorders first hand, I'm not sure you can ever even begin to comprehend the definition or the effects these disorders have on peoples lives and this is what makes having this disorder that much more frustrating.
When looking at my symptoms relating to Generalized or Social Anxiety I can see that they have limited my quality of life. These disorders have held me back from accomplishing many achievements. When I say achievements I'm speaking in regards to my academics, careers, relationships and personal goals and interests.
In school I found group work or activities and speaking in front of the class very distressing. When the teacher would start teaching study material my brain went in to "Fight or Flight" mode. I could not focus on the material being taught as I was overwhelmed by the idea that my teacher may actually ask me to answer a question or read out loud to the entire classroom. To many students this is not a huge task but to a person with anxiety this is one of your biggest fears. I would compare these anxious feelings to be similar to what a person riding a very large, very fast moving roller coaster experiences.
My body would go in to panic mode. I would start to sweat profusely. My underarms would be saturated with sweat leaving visible wet marks that would continue to get worse the more I worried about the possibility of being chosen by the teacher to do something in front of my fellow class mates.
Once this uncontrollable perspiration started, my attention would then shift to worrying about how many people were or would now notice these wet marks under my arms. At this point all these thoughts had completely drowned out the study material being taught at the front of the class by the teacher. I would now be scanning the room with my eyes to see "who" might be noticing this perspiration and my nervousness. While scanning, I try to appear as casual or calm as possible in order to "not" draw anymore attention to myself.
It's at these moments my teachers would always seem to ask me a question. I'm sure this would be due to the impression of not being focused with the lack of eye contact or the constant glances around the room. My teachers were simply attempt ing to regain my attention. Though the teacher had good intentions of keeping me focused in order to fully understand and catch the study material being taught, in reality this was only making my anxiety worse.
Instead of flying under the radar all eyes were now focused on me. I would now turn fifty shades of red while starting to studder and stammer over my words accompanied with more perspiration and a total loss of words whiling looking around the room with a look of panic wanting to run. In every class I would now be focused on lifting my arms from my sides as little as possible in order to conceal the very visible perspiration marks . From all my attention being directed away from my studies and instead being directed on these anxieties there wasn't much opportunity to absorb or take in the class materials or studies. You spend your entire day avoiding being noticed in fear of looking or sounding dumb to the people around you along with fearing people will notice your perfusive perspiration.
Tests and exams are a whole different matter. Most people have heard of test anxiety. Just the mear mention of the word "test" made and still makes me anxious. When trying to study for a test I couldn't focus on anything other than my thoughts of not being able to remember the material being tested on and how miserably I was going to fail if I went blank during the test. I just couldn't seem to focus or remember the information I needed to know. The main problem again was that I couldn't over come these anxious thoughts and again they crowded my mind leaving no space for the material being studied.
A great friend of mine would spend endless hours tutoring me. At the end of our study night my friend would prepare a study test which included any and all material just studied together which would be on the test. Once I was handed this study test I as usual would draw a blank. It didn't matter how many times I went over the studies. My brain again would switch to panic mode and my thoughts of failure would again return at the mere thought of failing even my friends test and then the real one that would come the following day.
I was even anxious about what my best friend was going to think if I couldn't answer the study questions she prepared for me. I was anxious about looking dumb or nervous in front of this friend I had known pretty well my whole life or as long as I could remember. At times I could tell my friend was clearly frustrated as at times she would say "I don't get it, we have spent hours going over this stuff , you had it, how can you not remember it already?" . While pretending to bang her head off the kitchen table a few times followed by a sigh she would simply laugh it off and she would pull out the study pages we wrote up together and we would start from scratch. If it weren't for my best friends endless patience I'm sure I would have given up on graduating from primary and secondary school with a Diploma.
In year 9 and 10 I was very active and involved with the schools sports teams but slowly my anxiety took over. I never felt like I was part of the teams even though I showed up for every practice and all the games. When entering the gym I would start feeling nauseous, light headed and my heart would start pounding. This happened every practice and every game. Imagine trying to function normal when your body feels like you have just ran 25 kilometers. That's the feeling I was encountering. My team mates were all familiar faces from various classes. They were very nice and certainly didn't exclude me from participation. I would always be greeted with smiles and polite "hello's". I wasn't picked last when forming practice teams and I was never picked on or teased yet I still felt inadequate.
Though I was as much a part of the team and welcomed the same as every other team mate something in my head still told me "I was an outsider" and I just couldn't seem to be myself. I worried constantly about my athletic skills and abilities being judged and constantly feared fumbling the game plays. I would have hot flashes, uncontrollable blushing and perspired excessively while dealing with many anxious thoughts. I dealt with these feelings everyday through every practice with every sports team for two years. Over two years you would think a person would feel like they new their teammates or would have a sense of belonging yet I didn't. People I met were always categorized as "Team mates" , "friends of a friend" or "people I went to school with". If I didn't meet these people in primary school they were simply not defined as "friends".
I wasn't snotty or stuck up. It would have been great to call all these people friends however there was always this fear of being embarrassed thinking someone was a friend to later find out that they didn't really feel they knew me or that I was in fact just a "team mate" or "friend of a friend". Just in case these new people in my life felt differently than me about the relationship formed I simply avoided associating new people I would see on a daily basis as "friends". As ridiculous as this sounds, this is how my mind works. Avoiding a feared situation is a coping mechanism when dealing with anxiety. If I avoid calling a person a friend I will never be befriended.
The summer before year 11 my anxiety disorder started causing panic attacks. It was always triggered by high stress levels from situation such as a break-up of a three year relationship, fighting with my controlling parents or exam week.
My anxiety attacks were severe. I would first get a migraine for a few days followed by vomiting and then "Bamb", I would have a seizure. After having a couple seizures I quickly learned to recognize physical symptoms my body would give me while preparing for one. I would get dizzy and lightheaded , I would lose my hearing and within seconds my ears would start to ring. My sight would slowly cloud over. My clouded circle of vision would get smaller and smaller until you could only see out a circle the size of a key hole and then total blackness hit. Then the seizure would happen unknowingly until I stopped convulsing and woke up on the floor. Obviously these episodes were adding to my anxiety as I feared having more of these attacks.
Keep in mind that while dealing with all these thoughts, feelings and symptoms I was unaware that Anxiety existed. I thought that what I was going through was either normal or it was simply too scary to deal with on an emotional level. I worried constantly about what was causing these attacks. Did I have epilepsy? Did I have a brain tumour? If it was all in my head I worried that people might judge me as being insane or crazy.
I had two seizures before telling my Mother that they had happened and I remember her laughing while in disbelief while saying something to the effect of "It's probably nothing ". I felt humiliated. It took all my courage to discuss this possible or likely illness to my Mother and she blew it off as though I had told her I scratched my arm. From here I just tried not to think about the seizures and had no intention of bringing them to my Mothers attention ever again.
Two months later my Mother and I got in an argument and it escalated to the point that my Mother lost control and started hitting me repeatedly in front of one of my friends . The fight started over me wearing a shirt that belonged to my Mother. Growing up my Father had always been a little overboard with physical punishment and it didn't take much to set him off. When I hit my teenage years I started to get in to the normal teenage mischief and this caused my controlling father to lose control on many occasions which added to all of my anxiety and stress levels.
Perhaps when this argument started I had seen my Father cross the line between punishment to abuse one two many times and I finally lashed back. I don't remember all of the details but I know I was sitting on a bar stool talking to my friend and my Mother said something to do with being told not to wear her clothing and then she lunged at me from across the room. She began belting me with the bottom of her fists. I remember putting my hands up to stop her which made the situation worse as she started hitting me harder and you could now see rage in her face. Up until that point I feared my parents and had good reason. My brother and I were never able to express our feelings or opinions. If we did it was considered back talk and my Father would give us a few good ones to set us straight.
I watched my Father kick my Brother in the back with full force wearing work boots one day because friends were swearing in the backyard. I watched my Father hit my Brother across the face full force with a huge leather Baseball glove. It left a mark on his face for a few days. My Mother never witnessed these incidents and we were always to afraid of what would happen if we said anything.
Back to the argument and my Mother attacking me. Well as you can see I had built up stress and anxiety from the level of abuse my Father was handing out and something inside me finally snapped and said "Enough".
After about the fifteenth blow something clicked inside me and I stood up filled with rage. I remember my Mother stopped instantly with this look of Panic on her face. As angry as I would get at my parents I had never ever retaliated and struck back out of respect,and mostly fear. Well that changed. When I snapped all logical thinking went out the window for a split second. My Mother tried to step backwards to get away from me but the back of our sofa was in here way. Unfortunately my Mother was cornered and there was no escaping this monster within me she had just provoked.
It took me all of two seconds to pick my Mother up and toss her backwards straight over the sofa clearing it all but her feet . When her feet caught the edge of the sofa mid air, the force flipped the whole sofa with her. Fortunately my Mother was not hurt as she landed on her back behind the sofa. While foaming from the mouth still filled with rage I pointed at my Mother and began to scream at her something to the effect of "I've taken enough of your bull-shit and abuse, I've taken enough from that son of a bitch husband of yours, don't you ever put your damn hands on me again, I mean it, I've had enough".
I packed my bags and moved in with my friends family. The next day I started my first shift working for my Mothers employer. I managed to make it to work and stood behind the building vomiting a half a dozen times before my shift started. My Mother was supposed to be training me which was sending my anxiety through the roof.
I persevered and we both acted professional while my Mother showed me my work routines. I only made it 25 minutes before having a Panic attack. I felt one coming on but because of the fight my Mother and I had the night before I didn't think she was going to be very sympathetic. Instead I tried to lean on a nearby cabinet hoping the feeling would pass. I blacked out then waking up with six staff members either sitting on or holding my limbs down on the floor.
Apparently when I start to fit my body still manages to attempt to protect itself by grabbing the closest object in an attempt to regain it's balance. My poor Mother just happened to be that object. I started throwing her around like a rag doll as I convulsed and my hands simply refused to let go regardless of the six staff members trying to pry open my grip. When I woke up on the floor my poor Mother was laying on top of me as my grip had still not released her. When the convulsions stopped I was helped up off the floor and I began to vomit violently knowing that I was now the center of attention and my worst fear was happening. Fitting in a public place.
My poor Mother. I still remember the look on her face when I woke up. I'm pretty sure she went in to shock, traumatised by the whole episode. It probably took her a minute or two to realise that I wasn't attacking her but instead having a seizure. My Mom's best friend worked with her and came out from the back in order to calm my Mother down. Never seeing a seizure before, I'm sure any parent would be distressed watching their child convulse on the floor underneath them after tossing six adult females around a room.
I was rushed straight to the hospital with my Mother beside me in tears filled with fear. I remeber telling her at some point during the car ride to the hospital that I tried to tell her about these seizures and she begain to cry even more. The Doctors ran a list of tests and misdiagnosed me with childhood epilepsy as there was no other explanation.
It wasn't until I was 23 years old that I was properly diagnosed with having social anxiety after a near nervous breakdown from stress, depression and anxiety going untreated. I had many bouts of depression and high levels of anxiety causing me much stress but I always seemed to pull myself together after a few months by exercising and proper diet. Each Depressive episode gradually getting harder and harder to deal with or manage.
I believe these disorders in my case are hereditary. I believe both an Aunt and my Father suffer from Anxiety and depression though they have never been diagnosed by a physician. They both have symptoms related to these disorders.
My Mother recalls me having a few episodes from as early as my toddler years. I was resuscitated on three separate occasions. I simply began to cry when my parents left me with my Grandparents. Eventually I would gt so upset or worked up that I would hold my breath until I either passed out or I would simply stop breathing. My Grandparents were very lucky to have had a Doctor living two doors down from them in all three incidents that I stopped breathing. Back then the Hospital admitted me and monitored me for a few days after each episode before sending me home with a clean bill of health yet not sure of what caused the medical condition.
Some environmental factors likely contributed to the severity of my disorder. I was never involved in clubs or teams as a young child limiting my social interaction and skills development. A controlling abusive Father limiting the opportunity for me to make decisions or express my opinions. Personality factors, as a young child I was always very shy and extremely quiet.
I'm hoping a few people can relate sto my story or thought patterns.
Unable to balance my sleep and life since the birth of my son is forcing me to seek help as I'm just not able to bounce back as I did pre-motherhood. I have just been prescribed medication and I have been referred to a therapist of some sort to try and help me manage my anxiety.
Did I mention I hate talking to strangers (Defined as Doctore, Therapists, Managers, Supervisors, Authority and pretty much anyone I didn't grow up with). I'm not sure I can handle talking to a Therapist. I get extremely emotional crying every ten seconds, everytime I try disclosing anything personal or anytime I'm asked a question. If I'm not crying, instead I can't communicate studdering and stammering in the end leading to a blank mind or loss for words probably followed by more crying :roll:
Wish me luck.
:unsure: :unsure: :unsure: