Dave's Dairy

[salvator here]

Yeah, got to rest and not stress your body or mind. Must save all energy to recover. You will have small spurts of feeling better and weakness. Normal/Expected. Do you have a fever? If so; GOOD! Your body doing its job, but it will win the fight. Don't get worried (yeah, easy to say) you're doing all the right things now thank goodness for that.

For us that struggle already, this is 'total body' illness. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. Take all the time you need to recover and repair afterwards <- sort of mean, just get better no matter what and deal with after effects. You know full well what I'm trying to say and not say about the dreaded CV. People worry so much and die from that alone. Body still has to get better regardless and people die from cold because they eat 3 cheeseburgers a day a smoke 2 packs a day and wonder why. Even "IF" (I didn't say that, of course), fighting the symptoms and allow the body to do its job. Sweat your ass off to get rid of the bug.

Oh ... your plants, I believe they will help you. Sorry, just came to me. Be around them you can walk to outside back and forth.

Hate to say this, and I do feel bad seeing you're cleaning up. I imagine anxiety city for you. Can you take even small benzo dosage to manage? If not please ignore.

Of course, no need to reply. Only think about calm energy and the movie sounds great.

[Ponder]

I did in fact do a lot of sweating yesterday and as you say feeling a lot better today having broken through the worst of it all. One day before my prediction of day 27. I bought some green tea which you may see in my Day 26 video as I walking past my kitchen bench. I generally do not like drinking green tea as I have read in large quantities is not good as it is cut as a young plant. Young plants also give off pheromones to stop animals eating them so that the plant can grow. The properties found in such when cut so young at not good for the human body let alone other animals that naturally avoid them. Was a long article but the gist of it made sense to me. Green tea can be good but it's all about dose. Given I don't have it often and have been eating clean for the past 25 days - I do believe it's healing properties worked for me. I'll have some more but not going to drink it like cordial, coffee or tea in general. Timing is a big thing with plants like that. Also classified as fluid that dehydrate. It's a sipping tea with healing properties but in terms for people that struggle with portion control is can be unhealthy.

All that said I am very glad you mentioned it. I'm taking it like Chinese medicine. :) Small cup and sipping and not overly regular. I know it helped and about to make another cup

I also went out for fert5ilized my plants ... came across a snake and just mingled with my plants. I pretty much just followed your advice, took your encouragement and warm words as got better. Thanks!

I'm OK re meds. I have script of Valium which is better for me. When my anxiety goes out of control it is a lot higher than most average anxiety suffers. More to do with my certifications and overlapping nature of those. For now I got a good handle on it but YES - I have been having like exercise rages but without the exercise. Chuckles at the insanity of it all.

Just keeping focused on my routine is helping enough. The illness was more a painful and draining distraction from an otherwise fruitful venture that is still very much in the early phase and more or less still withing the detoxing phase.

Watched a movie yesterday and ended up crying at the end of it:
Netflix The Unforgivable

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNUjx7LZoiU)Day 26: On The Mend - Getting Back Into My Projects

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxzqINl2Wpo

[salvator here]

Terrific!

You see, nature never lets us down and our bodies (when in sync) have amazing healing abilities. Beautiful world and nature and the plants are there for us (even the snake wouldn't have hurt you), only people suck (present company not included, of course). That bug tried to weaken you both physically and mentally to get control of the host, but you won that battle because of everything you're doing. You will get even stronger every day now.

I will keep that in mind and start to sip tea rather than drink it by the gallon lol :) Besides, its all the experience with tea.

Doctors here won't prescribe V anymore, so the Kpin is better than nothing and I DO need it right now badly. The Sertraline is actually making me worse now I think and I don't know what to do. The world is a mess and everything is falling apart around me. I didn't post it last night, but I hit a very dangerous low spot. Still recovering this morning and not out of the woods yet and I'm trying to figure why I'm still here and for what purpose. Last night all I could think about was jumping into traffic.

Sorry, will try in my thread to find something and will watch your progress. You usually help me as I need to have a good example.

[salvator here]

Think we need to find some razzmatazzapam =P

[Ponder]

Hey there Sal. Thank you for your continued support. I feel I must express how I think differently daily events.

I know the analogy (of battle re my illness) you use means well Sal but I have to say, I advocate a different approach when viewing the chemical interactions that take place inside our bodies; both those comfortable and uncomfortable. Perhaps we watch too many movies where the intended plot is almost always lost within the hostilities and tensions that humans are well known to embrace and or resist. Typically both one and the same time. I guess this is why we are such a sick species.

Forgive me Sal. Just a reminder that I aim to take another path in terms of such a view when it comes to the viewing of circumstances as a battle or fight. My very being is in resistance every day and is often what brings me down both mentally and physically. Our very language, the way we think and the paths we are all being led down is what is making us and this world sick.

Please allow me to consider this damaging mindset that we are often encouraged to adopt. Nature works so well because is allows the natural course of life to be as is, whilst on the other hand humans are always looking to dominate and always win. So it is that we biped-species with oversized brains have all but destroyed most of nature as was once known in its natural state and instead created a world based on artificial constructs that limits natural ways of being; especially that ability to heal.

This 'disconnect' that we all now find ourselves living in, is one of dependency on a system regardless of intentional or not, requires that we think in negative mindsets that keep us bound on many fronts. Always viewing each day as just another battle, something we must overcome, cure, beat, conquer and so on.

Personally in terms of living peacefully I think it is crucial that we change this language and the way in which we think. It's deeply ingrained in us all the time and I often find myself doing it but I also know it is the very thing that spins my anxiety and bouts of behaviors that excessively and compulsively hold me back.

I thought the movie 'The Accountant' was a good watch more in terms of how it portrayed the debilitating nature of resistance itself whilst at the same time show how it is that only through acceptance are we able to thrive. The latter term being a more mindful word Vs excel as then we fall back into the language of dominance that gives rise to our destructive egos that are so prominent in this world.

So it is, in this artificial world that we are controlled so easily by the language we are taught no matter what one lives or what dialect they speak. It is that eternal resistance we are led to live that seeks to control us more than the resulting chemical processes that end physically impact us when sick.

I seek to turn the tables and allow what is, rather than make it a personal battle from day to day. This is how I am able to continue in my current theme of keeping clean and detaching from such mindsets that weaken me.

I could go on but need to refocus; doing the things that I enjoy. I am not out to win any fights. :)

I only share like to remind everyone and yourself that I can't play this world's game like so. It's the very reason I do not fit in. For me it is the missing piece of that puzzle in the movie that we expressed as much. The only difference for me in my script, is I do not Muhammad Ali standing over a victim as later defined by the father in that movie. Instead I seem many other choices that lead to peace.

I hope you can accept that this write up comes from a well intended place. I'm still physically unwell and not quite out of the wood (lol - humans using that term to escape what is) ...
________________________________

Sorry for the wall of text. Typically this means I am doing well regardless of the chemical process going on. hehe

Yea - that Sertraline & or Zoloft have never worked for me. In fact none of the mood altering ones do in my circumstances. I should probably try try the strobe method used in referred movie minus the beating myself with hard wooden stick. lol. That said, all the best finding out whatever works. Obviously your know your not doing so well with the sertraline so perhaps trying another alternative either chemically or or mentally. I could never day what is going to work for anyone other than myself. That said, so many people do in the more active forums like these when it comes to advice on chemical constraints.

I only use Valium from time to time and still even then it only takes the edge off. I still have to deal with what take place in this monkey mind.

Righto - I am off for a bicycle ride this morning before it gets any hotter. I am aiming to loosen up more of the gunk in my chest. I still have raspy cough however grateful that my throat is less painful and that I can breath much easier regardless of all the lingers.

The day and this world in not to be conquered but in my view to be accepted for what is. So it is that I will try to be more mindful when writing about such things.

Take care Sal and thanks again for your support. I hope I can do that same.

Peace out Bro. As best we can find it.
.

[salvator here]

Gonna try, my friend, all we can do is try to accept things that I've no control over.

Yeah, all I want now is peace of mind, sometimes so hard to find. I don't know.

I speak to my therapist tomorrow and I just don't know anymore. She always says acceptance is hard to do, but only way. Whats the alternative, fight it and go out sour and full of hate. I don't know, I've seen bitter people dark to the core and I don't want to be that.

8 PM and time to watch: The Lost Boys.

Hope your bicycle ride helped you :)

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093437/

[Ponder]

Acceptance needn't be hard. I think is more an issue of us getting in our own way. The pain and suffering becomes like a drug unto itself were when all we know is that feeling so low that we find it hard to let go in the face of anything else. Bit like a morbidly obese person struggle with sudden weight loss not knowing how to act when wearing thin clothes. So it is that we often struggle with peace when it's right there along side us all the time. That is one analogy that makes sense to me. It's kind of in the understanding that I tend to unravel such a mess. Each to their own I guess.

Yea I made the bike gentle thanks and even managed an afternoon walk. Nothing to long or strenuous. No video today as still in recovery mode and those activities was enough to ware me down. I also spent a full day calbling my computer and still not yet finished. That experience involved a fair amount of OCD but needed for me to get the job done right.

Arrrr CLASSIC Move that one. Thanks for the reminder.

I hope you have a good day whilst I rest well.

Hang in there Sal ... we'll get past Xmas soon enough ;)

[Ponder]

Project Update:

I can't believe after all that the 4 fans pictured on the side of case like so need to be take off and turned around. Ussually I am pretty good with such details but this time around I got lost in the multitude of wired components and devices that I &^%$ed up big time as now I have to take out a LOT of stuff just to turn those fans around. Hence to say I will have a very good bonding session and know the schematics of my computer very well.

Because I am water cooling - I really need perfect these little thing off the bat as having to drain the loop in order to correct one cabling mistake would have be screaming in a fit. lol Narrrr ... all's good. I'll just use distilled water and save the expensive coolant until I have been through the yelling and scream a few times. Then I will have all I need to hack the pentagon computers.

So basically after taking these shots, I now go for a walk, come back pull out half the wiring, the inside bottom fans and front radiator and water cooling reservoir + a few other things and only then can I access those side fans. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Righto ... off for my walk.

https://i.ibb.co/D1vSM8C/Cabling.png

https://i.ibb.co/64V0WfK/Power-Supply-Door.png

https://i.ibb.co/gmqJF1H/Close-Up.png

https://i.ibb.co/ZW98wg7/Side-Door-Access.png

[Ponder]

Mowed part of the back yard - will do rest later. Feeling extremely fatigued for some reason. Have decided to put the computer off till tonight where I will spend a few hours then fixing the fans I mentioned then pack it all up to make space for Xmas lunch the day after tomorrow. No rush - so far is a good job because I am taking my time.

Still spitting out yellow clumpy bits in my spit. Chest is still congested. I think I will avoid the heat today. 31 degrees Celsius (88 Fahrenheit) partly cloudy.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Mowing in the heat has sapped me.

PS - Anyone interested - James Web Telescope Soon to be launched. 2 Days Time ... Something like that or maybe tomorrow?

[Ponder]

Vlog Day 28 - Enter At Own Risk


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnMgeE3StOA

[salvator here]

Just watched day 28 :)

I'm glad I'm nuts.

Yeah, hard to find a good doctor nowadays that won't over medicate and I like APRN or DO over an MD.

I Should be here, but if not, hope everyone is well with you and yours. No plans here, just hope its quiet. Haven't had ham in so long, but be salty.

[Ponder]

They are just so damn quick to dismiss always finding it hard to acknowledge that anyone else might be onto something re their own health. True that re the over medicating. You should of seen the look on one doctor's face when I told him I was quitting the anti psychotics. Like a prison warden watching someone escape. Absolutely zero encouragement but lots of demeaning and telling me I would fail. I don't like the word hate, but I have to admit it surfaces quickly when I think if doctors. They are the most indoctrinated people on the planet and used as high ranking pawns to keep people sick. I have to be in a real bad way to contemplate seeing one and near death to enter a hospital. Of course I am embellishing, however the feeling is very much like that. I detest society's medical system. The so called advances are simply not worth it. We are taught to fear death and in that space we live in fear from day to day.

Better to learn what we can for ourselves and use them as no more than dispensers being very careful when it comes to their advice. Of course most puppets of today worship them with drones in forums like these praising and worshiping them. hahahaha Talk about how much more one could not fit. "Must go see a doctor!" Heads Up - "Must go fuck yourself!" How you like the sound of them apples? hehe

Arrrr fuck it ... all is good. My daughter just got back from seeing a shrink in one of the neighboring towns about an hour + away. She has a cocktail of meds. I and her mum have 'suggested' that she simply play along regarding the meds. Given them the usual time to destroy the bodies defenses (as is exactly what takes place) during the atypical 6 weeks. Went of to educate for lack of a gentler word about the importance of only then reporting by way of phone the impact the medication is actually having in terms of Helpful, no change, and unhelpful symptoms and so on. Like me she has pretty all the rations of side-affects listed in the fine text not often found on the bottle or told by these over-educated so called professionals. Finished off by saying a little persistence with our ingrain dislike for these doctors can at times pay off with regards to societies labeling system that for rejects likes us it is best to have some form of certification otherwise live a life of eternal justifications, warranting and evidence searching. "You can always come off and go back on the meds as your experience builds ..."

God forbid they label a person without defining the condition without using meds. That's how fucking brainwashed and marketed doctors have become. It comes as no surprise that a shrink is now the first and foremost go-to regarding welfare insurance agency claims - that is to say your run of the mill westernized mental health claims. They emphasis is on such is to cut back to wave of instability created in the systems own wake whilst at the same time chemical controlling those who are warranted with any like condition. That's that fucking game!

At any rate - that shrink welcomes her case as the family makes a classical one when it comes to so called dysfunction. But oh how so little they know. Not to depute the instability. Fucking Oath ... was are classic cases of 'unable' in this fucked up world that they seem to think is advanced and evolutionary moving forward. What a small and narrow minded view they really have.

FACT - or at least my as I am best reading it more and more - Most humans of today on this fucked up de-evolving world have some form of mental illness that is more plagued than any demoralizing time in our brainwashed history as deceptively written.
__________________________________________________ ______________________________________

GOOD MORNING ALL. :)

Oh fuck ... did you say salt! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nervous/scared-and-sweating-smiley-emoticon.gif

God Fucking Damn it! ... I completely forgot about that.

That would truly something if I could not eat one slither of ham whilst it is sitting there in the fridge beckoning me.

RIGHTO - it's a done deal ... FUCK THE HAM TOO! FUCK this Xmas bullshit for now. I really need to prove I can do this. I've said no to so many things I am not going to fuck up now.

I'm worried about the impact of this so called vaccine on my health reclamation plans this time around. I think it may or may not be impacting on my metabolic process and thus it just another chemical constraint holding me back. This is a hard call because this is also the first time I am taking control of my health whilst being so fat and doing so with way WAY less exercise than I typically do. I am just going to have to ex\exercise patience instead. :)

Of course I will continue to take the jab. I do hope the my missing the second Jab due to being sick will be OK if I have it like a month later? I ponder to think if I have fucked up because of the timing involved. WTFE ... The amount of places we can no longer go is increasing every month with more and more sheep starting to write negative things about those that call the 'un-vaccinated' Us and Them rings loud on social media and out on the streets. I take it 100% under duress but then do my best to forget about it and remind myself of how many other things are toxic in this world.

Yet it does me little good when I think about the effort I know make to reclaim my health. In fact thinking about the vaccine and all the deception whilst doing so is not good for me at all.

Anyways ... that's all the dislike expelled.

I've been making small gains out on my walks by walking a little taller and angling my head more confidently whilst listening to topics and tunes that help with such. I've even received a few nods from others struggling themselves. Not talking about smiles from well to doos ... I avoid what I call wellbeing snobs. I'm careful not to let my head raise to high lest my nose be the first thing that comes tumbling down. lol That said I do feel we need to be accepting of all. I understand the sense in how it has to be in order for us all to connect on a level that is beneficial for all.

All this expelling is not to be taken literal as I even know I really don't know. It's just a view that changes from time to time depending on many dynamics of this world and that which I allow to take place in mine. To play the game rather than be played and thus view it as something else when the time comes.

OK - enough blubbering for now.

On with my day.

Take care ...

OH - Sal --- how did your session go with the therapist? Was it a decent connection for the both of you?

[salvator here]

You can defiantly do. I'll try to find some good pics and make the ham sound a gross and nasty as possible to help you. Instead of salt, sodium latent pig ... oink oink

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPZyjH7B4Kc

....................:D

God, isn't this awful when we have our triggers. When I watched your vid, there was that part of me when you mentioned the bottle of champagne, I was like ... I'll fly over there tonight and be happy to take it. Ugh, hate to say this, I used to be the first person to open up liqueur store along with a few local lushes. I can say, there is ZERO chance that would happen now, sometimes it crossed my mind because the mind never forgets; 2 more hours until it closes, 1 more hour, 15 minutes to catch a bus.

Was ok, I guess, we just chatted actually and he allow me to just vent now and that seams to help. Luckily we're on the same page with 90% just by chance. Most doctor and therapist are like you say, like a God like here. Hard to even switch and once shit gets into the records (have this problem) that haunts me. Hard to explain but I think you do get it.

Yeah, all kidding aside, we just have to get to next year as nothing is going to happen this year with the case, so just need to enjoy and "be" or whatever.

Middle of Jan or Feb and we'll start the process again, but, I did all I could this year to remain out of the hospital. Came very very close, but avoided it.

I like my therapist and she said she does like me to so that is good and she never judges and when I do off and get lost, she brings me back.

PS: so you didn't go with Cinnamon, I tried to Cinnamon distros (one today, actually) and its no good at all with this old clunker. Some ugly builds out there but I'm in no rush and will likely just go live dvd until I make up my mind.

[Ponder]

Had to put my response in the video. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Time of year is wearing me down with all the preparations going on around me and very hard to eat clean whilst living with others eating junk. The smells when cooking as well can be quite triggering ...

zzzzz


https://youtu.be/8i4snVZifC4

[salvator here]

Thinking of you; we'll get through this.

[Ponder]

Day 30 - I got through it rather well all things considered. Having done so I feel there is not much that can temp me throughout the whole year.

[Ponder]

Computer Water Cooling Project pretty much complete and despite my fears I can say has been worth it in the end. My graphics card GPU is indeed running cooler as to the VRam which I thought would not given the shoddy backplate. I may still upgrade to a better GPU water block but not so fussed about it right now. This project was in the end a win all round. Now I can turn my hyper focus onto my weight loss goals and new healthy regime.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kuLEHzxVZ4&amp;t=277s

[Ponder]

A New Focus for the New Year:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6ZXVG15qKA

[salvator here]

So glad you had a nice celebration with family, sounds like it was great. We made it though it.

Yeah, new focus sounds better than new start. I need to start walking again, in the house too much and getting weak. We can't change the world or other people, I guess, only our focus. I need to shift the focus on what is right and try to let go of what isn't so it won't drag me down. Will be start over with case again perhaps mid January. Sort of been hovering and avoiding because I was simply in no shape.

Same, new years isn't important and I don't "celebrate" those days are over now. I can watch the ball drop on youtube. Or, maybe, I'll watch my own balls drop ... hahah ... dropped a long time ago.

Please do keep me in mind for the new forum when you think the time is right.

Are you sure that monster computer won't become "self aware" and take over when your sleeping :D I swear my computers are aware. Sometimes if I do something wrong, it will send a shock through they keyboard to let me know its not happy.

...:)

EDIT: To tell you the truth, that time to leave this joint and put it behind us might come sooner rather than later. This place is now Romper Room unchained nonsense. Please keep in touch and take care

[Ponder]

I'm so glad we are friends Sal. You often put a smile on my face.

I think I will send you a link in about 24 hours from now. It may not be finished and look pretty rough but is better than sticking around here given the present state and how it's been for some time now.

I've been consumed with other things but today I will make it a priority to at least have another space that ticks all the boxes similar to here.

I best get my mind onto that now.

hehe ... You last post made me smile a dozen times. I really needed that. Thanks. :) :) :)

[Ponder]

You were so right in the timing of our new venture Sal ... Yes I am still awake. : )

Seeing this makes feel more vindicated for putting in so much work today. I have an email on the ready but waiting for my Video Introduction of the New Forum - Our New Space :)

It saddens me that we will most likely not share our new space on this forum due to such toxic behavior. Perhaps later when we have more time to block and remove but right now I sense it it best to leave well alone.

I email you shortly before I finally wind down. 1:15 am currently. Is all good - I had to put in the time learning about all the features and how to cut out a lot of main stream algorithm in the new place. I explain in the new video as plays into who we are and why we are there.

Talk to you soon in our new space. Going to give you Admin Rights now. Just image how easy it will be to deal with such childish behavior with one flick of your computer. I think there is even a way to block IPs. That kind of puts to rest the games being played here. In that light once we work that out we could then lave a link for those interested in having a genuine look.

For now ... lets just leave this space and let it carry on as it must.

It's been a good solid 8 years. Adios.

Bye Bye.

[Dahila]

Awake and the injection of "genetic therapy" does not belong in one sentence, I am so frigging dissapointed. it is hard to believe . Probably will not come here again Good bye

[Ponder]

I popped in on the off chance to see how things might be going whilst doing a Vlog and saw your comment. I have decided to reply as I think it is not just for you to pop in the way you have done the last couple of times. Going by your previous comment about how "Dave has potential ..." and now this latest one being as patronizing as the one before.

In this respect I too could say I am disappointed more than you, however my preference would be for another term as to imply what you should do with your life as no more than a means to satisfy me is simply just not in line with whom I want to be. The first comment about me 'having potential' leads into the spirit of this latest take you now give. Is it any wonder that a rift developed as it did?

No Dahila ... You are in no position to tell others if they are awake or asleep because that do not choose to do as you. Many people may choose to go with the flow for a myriad of reasons, none of which means they are blinded or deaf to the beating drums of others whom preach another form of doctrine just as toxic to that which they profess.

"genetic therapy" you say? Allow me to remind you much of that which you have been taking for years past is as chemically binding. The array of medication you no doubt ingest to stave off this or that and or to get your sleep as you would often say, is as unnatural as you can get. The food at the local grocery store is as generically modified as any vaccine. The very concept of one drum beating the tune of another creates mass marketed fear like religion but sold of as some new age construct of eternal resistance to what is. Basically ... that too is just as toxic.

In fact if you were to respond by saying your now off the drugs and living clean ... I could only say in context to the latter being where one judges another based on some online adopted narrative ... that doing so completely undermines those whom profess to be living so clean. The spirit in which they convey shows one's true colors. So it is that today we have so many wellbeing proponents who could not be more toxic and spreading cancer with they way in which they reach. That there ... is today's so called epidemic.

No Dahila ... someone getting vaccinated does not mean they are closed minded or have their eyes wide shut. Just as surely as I am not here to impress upon you or flower with my potential at just the right time when it pleases yourself or others ... You can be sure I am the same person who is just as awake before and after having been injected with whatever. I am just as deep and genuine as I was before. My view has not changed ... if it does, it only does so because nothing stays that same. It is not for you to tell me or others what we see, just because we did not choose as you. I get that you are frustrated and saw it long ago. The conflict of interest kept growing and I sense it was when I could no longer be whatever it was that I was meant to be ... that the distance grew.

Your last two comments have really brought to light just how deep that void now really be.

The difference between you and I, is that whilst you claim, one can only have 'certain terms within one sentence', I am all about allowing others, whatever terms the need for any sentence (let alone one) without the need to pass judgment by telling them they either have potential and or that I am disappointed.

I am pleased to say that for now I have found a new space ... but like I say ... it was best to explain how it is that I do not see as you and also say like so that anyone else who might of choses to do whatever can also feel that it is OK ... to do as they do without fear of being judged. Matters little if they do or don't. What does ... is how they choose to connect.

All the best.

OK - 9:30PM Final edited done.

[Ponder]

Just to clarify my disappointment and be done with it all ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cB02vG_-jcY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cB02vG_-jcY&t=1394s)